Julian leaned forward, letting his thumb slide against the inside of Cameron’s wrist. “I can,” he confirmed.
“You did. Carried me down,” Cameron said in broken sentences to save his throat. “Oh God, Julian, what if you fell?”
“Then I’d have called an ambulance,” Julian responded calmly. “And cried.”
Cameron sighed, trying not to laugh. His eyes didn’t waver from Julian’s face. “My hero,” he rasped.
“At your service,” Julian murmured with a hint of a smile, though it was tempered by the worry in his dark eyes as he stared down at their linked fingers. He looked up at Cameron and met his eyes. “I’ve not been that terrified in quite some time,” he whispered, unashamed.
Cameron’s chest ached with more feeling than pain, but he couldn’t name it. He turned his free hand to press his palm to Julian’s cheek. “I’m okay,” he said softly.
Julian looked down and nodded jerkily.
Cameron gazed at him, stroking his cheek. He was content just having Julian there. “I feel better already.”
“We need to talk,” Julian told him abruptly.
Cameron’s body grew cold with dread, but he licked his parched lips and nodded. “Okay.”
“I was afraid… I feared you’d been hurt because of me,” Julian told him, his words measured.
Cameron frowned, not trying to hide his confusion. “What do you mean ‘because of you’?”
Julian broke the eye contact again with a sigh.
Cameron frowned. “Julian?” he prodded.
“What do you think I do, Cameron?” Julian asked, not looking up.
Letting his head turn to the side against the pillows, Cameron thought about it. “I guess a detective of some sort. I don’t know. Some investigative kind of job.” He shrugged. “At one time I thought you might be a male escort,” he added with a soft laugh.
Julian looked up quickly in surprise. “A what?” His voice edged up into a near squeak.
“Just that one night, when the woman came into the restaurant and made the joke about being a prostitute,” Cameron admitted, trying not to smile at Julian’s reaction. “I didn’t know anything about you, and some of the things you said…” He flushed and shook his head. “I didn’t seriously think that,” he said as he backpedaled.
Julian blinked at him, mulling that over. “That’d make a pretty good cover,” he muttered to himself finally.
Cameron stifled a laugh, and it came out as a snort. “You could certainly pull it off,” he said.
“Shut up,” Julian said with a soft laugh.
Smiling, Cameron reached out and slid his fingers along Julian’s cheek. “Who could resist you?”
Julian pursed his lips and lowered his head so Cameron wouldn’t have to shift to touch him. “I deal with some dangerous people,” he said as his eyes darted to the door of the hospital room. “I was afraid someone had found out about you.”
Cameron watched Julian’s face, something he’d taken to doing to try to learn to read the other man, who wasn’t exactly forthcoming with information, much less many emotions. Hearing him say something so specific was unnerving. “Which would put me in danger?” he asked awkwardly. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer.
“Yes,” Julian whispered without looking up.
Cameron could tell Julian was serious. Very much so. He forced himself to swallow and flinched when it hurt. “What kind of danger?”
“Are there different kinds?” Julian asked.
Cameron tensed. “I suppose there’s getting-hurt danger, and then there’s the end-up-dead kind of danger,” he said shakily.
Julian was silent, his head still lowered as if he was afraid to look up.
Cameron drew his hand back, watching it tremble. “Is this… this fear, is it what you deal with every day?” It hurt. It scared him to think that Julian might live in fear day in and day out.
“Every day but Friday,” Julian answered without pause.
Cameron pressed his lips together, at this point hurting and more afraid for his lover than for himself. “Julian, please look at me.”
Julian winced and looked up slowly, meeting Cameron’s eyes regretfully.
Cameron had a difficult time understanding the conflict in those black eyes. He’d never seen the emotion there before. But then, he’d never seen Julian afraid before. “Is it worth it? Spending time with me?”
Julian winced again and shook his head disbelievingly. “You’re asking me if spending time with you is worth you getting hurt?” he asked.
“You already made that decision. Didn’t you?” Cameron pointed out evenly, although his heart was pounding anxiously. “Just by asking me to take a walk in the snow on Christmas Eve.”
Julian pulled away as if Cameron had smacked him, and he sat back in the chair in a daze.
Cameron watched his reaction solemnly. “I wouldn’t change it,” he said. “Not for anything. I hoped… you felt the same.”
“I can’t say that I do,” Julian breathed in an offended voice. “I wouldn’t have you hurt.”
A no-win situation, for sure. Cameron’s breath caught painfully, and he had to look away to blink through the upset as he tried to draw in air without coughing. When he thought he had it under control, he spoke. “So now what?” came out in a clogged rasp. It wasn’t logical that he would choose Julian over his own safety, Cameron knew. He would, though, and logic be damned.
“I should have told you from the beginning,” Julian told him softly. “I should have let you know the danger, and I’m sorry for not doing it. I can’t make your choices for you, though.”
Cameron would have laughed if he could have gotten enough air to do it. Julian was talking himself in circles, obviously struggling with the topic just as much as he was. “No, you can’t,” he said weakly before finally having to cough hard as Julian watched him helplessly. Gasping for breath, Cameron closed his eyes after the effort. “I wouldn’t change it,” he whispered, opening watery eyes to look at Julian. “Please don’t make me.”
Julian lowered his head to try to hide the relief in his eyes. “I won’t,” he promised with difficulty.
Struggling through several shortened breaths, Cameron curled his hands into the sheets and tried to relax again. He could feel the threat of tears, which was the last thing he wanted or needed, so instead he let the choppy breaths take his energy.
“What if something happens to you?” Julian asked suddenly, obviously unable to let the topic go just yet.
Letting out a shaky breath as fear of the unknown clutched at his throat, Cameron realized he had no answer. “I don’t know,” he responded bluntly. “What if something happens to you?”
Julian blinked in surprise. “To me?” he asked.
Cameron exhaled in disbelief. “Yes, Julian. What if something happens to you?”
“Nothing will happen to me,” Julian assured him softly, seeming to fall back into his natural confidence.
Cameron raised an eyebrow disbelievingly and looked at the scrapes on Julian’s cheek pointedly. “You asked ‘what if’ first.” He sighed heavily. “You’ll just have to protect me, won’t you?” he finally said, lifting his hand to his bare throat where the necklace usually hung. He’d taken it off days ago when applying copious amounts of Vicks and hadn’t put it back on.
The motion drew Julian’s eyes, and he stared at the spot where the warrior’s cross should have been for a long moment of silence. Finally his lips twitched slightly. “Does that mean I have to protect your dogs as well?” he asked as he looked back up to meet Cameron’s eyes.
Biting his lip on a laugh, Cameron tried to look appropriately sober. “I don’t know. They’re awfully ferocious on their own.” He couldn’t help the heartfelt desire in his eyes from showing. He wanted to be with Julian, no matter the risk of some nebulous danger that might not ever happen. He’d found someone he wanted, and that someone wanted him in return. Cameron wouldn’t give that up without a fight.
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Julian leaned forward again and ran his fingers along Cameron’s cheek. He stared for a long moment, and then he stood and bent over him to kiss his temple carefully. “I have to go,” he said regretfully.
Cameron covered Julian’s hand, and his eyes fell shut as he felt Julian’s lips. “I’ll be here.”
“Take care of yourself,” Julian whispered into his ear.
Opening his eyes just in time to see Julian pass through the door, Cameron sighed shakily. “You do the same,” he said to the empty room.
“So what have we learned from this little escapade?” Julian asked as he broke the bag inside his instant ice pack and shook it angrily.
“Down doesn’t always mean dead, sir,” Preston answered obediently.
“And if the mark is wearing body armor?” Julian asked irritably as he pressed the ice to his temple and closed his eyes.
“Always take the head shot, sir,” Preston rattled off, obviously trying to hide the fact that he was smiling as he drove.
“Of course it’s funny,” Julian snapped. “You’re not the one who got tackled by fucking Lazarus!”
“Twice, sir.”
“Twice!”
“He certainly had an impressive ability to get back up, sir,” Preston pointed out.
“You think maybe you just missed him the first two times you shot at him?” Julian asked as he pressed the ice pack harder against his head.
“I don’t miss, sir,” Preston assured him confidently as he took the turn into Blake’s driveway. “I do, however, sincerely apologize for the failure, sir,” he added with as much sincerity as Preston’s flat delivery was able to convey. “It’s my job to deal with any protection detail, and—”
“Preston?” Julian interrupted tiredly as he saw Blake standing out on the stone steps of his house, waiting for them.
“Yes, sir?”
“Don’t ever apologize to me again,” Julian ordered with a small smile.
“Yes, sir. Terribly sorry, sir,” Preston responded with a straight face as he put the car in park and got out. “Won’t happen again, sir,” he called just before shutting the door.
“What have you done to yourselves this time?” Blake called from the front door of his house.
“We’re just making sure you stay in practice,” Julian claimed as he started toward Blake. He stopped as his head began to spin, and his balance faltered.
Preston was at his side in an instant, supporting him easily and helping him the short distance into the house.
“Come on then,” Blake muttered. “I’ve got the medical kit and the Valium all ready.”
“I don’t need any Valium,” Julian told him as he held the ice pack to his head.
“It’s not for you,” Blake responded with a smirk as he led them to his study, where he always stitched them up when they ran into trouble. He walked straight to the sideboard and opened a bottle. “You’re the most god-awful patient known to man. Your doctor gets the Valium. So does the nurse. Preston?” he offered cheekily.
“Thank you, sir,” Preston responded, managing to keep a straight face as he took the glass of whiskey Blake handed him.
“I hate you both,” Julian muttered as he covered his eyes with his icepack.
Cameron sat on a quilt on the floor, grinning as the four puppies tumbled all around and over his legs, each vying for his attention. He laughed at their antics; it was a warmer and healthier sound, if still a bit garbled. He’d just gotten home, courtesy of Miri, who’d picked him up at the hospital and shuttled him and the dogs home.
“Do you have any idea how much of a mess these little monsters make?” Miri asked grudgingly. “I can’t tell you how much hair is all over my apartment.”
“I told you that you had to brush them.” Cameron laughed again as the dogs cavorted. “But they’re worth it. Did you ever remember their names?”
Miri rolled her eyes. “No. I called the yellow one No, the red one Bad Dog, the white one Get Off That, and the blue one Stop It,” she said drolly, referring to the colors of their tiny woven collars.
“That’ll do,” Cameron said as he picked up Saffron and cuddled her close.
“All right. Lunch,” Miri said to change the subject. “I brought several dinners from Jean-Michel, and he said if you want anything specific, anything at all, just call the restaurant, and he’ll send it over.”
“You all take such good care of me,” Cameron told her, preoccupied by being made into terrain by sixteen tiny feet. Miri smiled from where she stood at the bar and started unpacking the bags.
Cameron ran his fingers through the puppies’ soft coats as he leaned back against the couch, taking it easy. He was tired after the trip home. He could tell he was much improved, but he was under doctor’s orders to stay at home at least another week. He wondered what he’d do, besides Tuesday night and Friday.
That turned his mind to Julian. What Julian had said at the hospital bothered Cameron. He was concerned and a little afraid of the hints at some mysterious danger. It was so much easier to remain ignorant of what Julian did when he wasn’t around. Because when Cameron began wondering and asking questions, even if he never actually voiced them out loud, he grew tense and worried. Sometimes, though, he couldn’t help himself. What if what Julian did was illegal? Cameron already knew his job was dangerous, despite Julian’s assurances that he would be okay. And every time he saw Julian hurt, Cameron got a little more scared for his lover. And now, perhaps the smallest bit for himself. Julian seemed fearless. If he was frightened for Cameron, shouldn’t Cameron be afraid as well?
He snapped out of his thoughts when the phone rang. The handset was just within reach, so he waved Miri off and stretched out to pick it up. “Hello?”
“How are you?” Julian’s soft voice questioned.
Cameron’s eyes flew across the room to check on Miri. She was busy in the kitchen, unwrapping things.
“I’m doing better now. Still taking it slow, though.” His voice warmed as he spoke. He’d missed Julian since their last visit in the hospital, where he’d ended up staying for a total of four days. Julian hadn’t come back to visit him, even on Friday, and Cameron had tried not to worry.
“That’s good. What are you doing right now?”
“Playing with the puppies while Miri fixes me some lunch. Jean-Michel sent over all my favorites, enough food for an army.”
The line was silent for some time. “She’s treating you well?”
While Cameron was mostly used to Julian’s long pauses, he was also accustomed to having Julian in front of him when they occurred. It was hard enough to decipher Julian’s emotions in person. On the phone, it was virtually impossible. So the pause and the question caught Cameron off guard.
“Yeah, she’s great,” he answered sincerely. “I could probably even get her to do my laundry.”
“Good.” The word had so many meanings when Julian said it, depending on the way he said it or the look in his eyes. Cameron realized this was the first time he’d ever spoken to his lover on the phone. He wasn’t sure he liked it.
“Uh-huh,” Cameron responded, shaking his head a little. “Any particular reason you ask?” he asked carefully.
Another quiet spell met Cameron’s query. “I’m afraid to tell you,” Julian mumbled.
“Why?” Cameron asked slowly. Their last conversation had been very emotional, something unusual for Julian, and Cameron still thought about it with some shiver of foreboding. He found himself wary of asking questions now, and when he did, more and more hesitant to ask anything that Julian might not answer.
“Because you’ll laugh at me,” Julian told him with a slight huff. “I’m jealous,” he admitted. “I can make soup,” he muttered. He sounded uncharacteristically cranky.
Cameron stayed quiet for a long moment as he reveled in the happiness those words gave him. Julian didn’t talk about himself much at all, and he rarely, if ever, admitted to many emotions or faults. “I’m not laughing,” he said gent
ly.
“Yeah, you are,” Julian grumbled. “You sound better,” he added. Cameron thought a smile was evident in his voice.
“I feel better,” Cameron agreed. “Except—”
“What?” Julian asked.
“I miss you,” Cameron said. “This is the longest I’ve gone without seeing you in months.”
“I miss you too,” Julian responded immediately, though he didn’t offer an excuse for his absence.
Cameron smiled happily. “Two more days to get through until Tuesday.”
The silence stretched on. Then finally, “I’ve got to go out of town Monday. I may not be back.”