I kept one hand on the knife he had given me, but reached out my other hand to touch his thigh where it lay peeking from the covers.
"I forget sometimes that Darkness and the Killing Frost were not always paired beside the queen."
He put his hand over mine and gave me a smile that held everything I wanted to see in that moment: tenderness, love, and a gentleness that harked back to his first form that had skipped across the snow and decorated the world in icy beauty.
"There were small battles between the sidhe courts after that, and in those a very new Frost fought against me."
I turned to look at Doyle. "Are you saying the two of you fought each other directly?"
He smiled. "No, I saw him across the battlefield a time or two. He was a shining thing and hard to miss, but he was new to battle and they had not schooled him to arms as I would have before allowing a newly risen warrior to take the field."
"I believe that the Seelie saw me as an accident. I was the first lesser fey to become sidhe in a long time. You do not train lesser fey the way you train sidhe."
"True enough even among the Unseelie, but I believe they expected you to die in those small battles; no need to waste training on cannon fodder."
Frost started rubbing his thumb over my knuckles where I still touched his thigh. "You are probably right, but I survived and they began to teach me."
"If you were once Seelie, then how did you get exiled from them?"
"A human serving girl spilled hot soup on the king's hand. It would have healed in minutes, but he hit her, and when she didn't fall down and cower, but kept her feet and glared at him, he started to beat her." He rubbed my hand over and over, his eyes staring at nothing, empty with remembering.
"You saved her," I said.
"I stepped between them, because I could not watch him kill her, and I didn't understand the other nobles just watching."
"You hadn't been noble long enough," Doyle said. "You didn't understand the privileges of rulership."
"I still don't, but our queen taught me not to stand between her and her victims." He shivered, his broad shoulders huddling in upon himself as if the Frost could be cold, but some chills go beyond temperature and reach the heart and soul.
Doyle reached across me to touch Frost's shoulder. "We all learned not to risk the queen's mercy." It was a saying among the Unseelie; to be at the queen's mercy had come to mean any hopeless situation, and to avoid being at the real queen's mercy you would do much, or not do, as the case may be.
Frost looked up and met the other man's eyes. They looked at each other and there was such pain in Frost's face, and such long sorrow in Doyle's. It was as if I had caught a glimpse of the long centuries that had made them the men they were now, and the friends they were to each other. They had been forged in fires of battle and torment.
In that moment I was so glad they were mine, so glad I could keep them safe. Once Queen Andais had said that any man who wasn't father to my children would be forced back into her Raven guard, there to be celibate again except for servicing her. It showed how distracted her son's death had left her, that she believed she could make that threat and still have me come home to accept the crown, to force all the guards I had come to consider mine back to be tortured by a madwoman for all eternity. Everyone wants to be immortal--even I did--but there were times when living forever and healing most injuries could have serious downsides, and being tortured forever was one of those.
That thought made me say out loud, "Once the genetic tests come back and prove conclusively who the fathers are and aren't, do you think the queen will demand her Raven guards back?"
"She has stated that many times," Doyle said.
"But most of them have taken oath to Merry now," Frost said.
"Does one oath supersede the other?" Doyle asked.
"That's why Cathbodua did it," I said.
"You mean offered her oath?"
"Yes."
We all thought about it for a few moments, and then Doyle said, "The queen has been too busy trying to die to think about living, but if she believes either that she will live and need her guards, or that by demanding that all her Ravens come home we will help her die, then she might call all those who are not father to your children back to the Unseelie Court."
"What would we do?" Frost asked.
"I cannot send them back to death and torment," I said.
"Cathbodua was free to give her oath anew, because all the princes were dead, but the male guards shouldn't have been able to make such a vow to Merry while the queen still lived," Doyle said.
"You mean literally, the words wouldn't have come out their mouths, or that some curse for oathbreaking should have happened?" I asked.
"The latter."
"How do we know it has not?" Frost asked.
"Because Sholto and Merry are the ones who brought the Wild Hunt back to life, and that is what hunts oathbreakers among us, but you felt no sense of wrongness as they made oath to you, did you?"
I thought about it, and then shook my head. "No, nothing felt wrong, and Sholto was with us when it happened."
"How can the oath to the queen be mute?" Doyle asked.
"Did you take your oath willingly?" Frost asked.
Doyle nodded.
"I did not, but it was the only avenue left open to me, the only safety from the king's mad pride."
"You're saying if the oath was coerced, then it's not a true oath," Doyle said.
"Perhaps," Frost said.
"If they're oathed to me for real, then they can't be forced back to the queen."
"The oath can't force them back, but her rage and madness could."
We had a moment of just sitting there thinking about it all. I finally said, "Being held sounds very good right now."
"Then let us put away our weapons and huddle together," Doyle said.
"The Darkness does not huddle," Frost said.
"Nor does the Killing Frost," Doyle said.
"I promise not to tell; just hold me, and tell me how to keep the king out of my dreams."
I placed the relic, Aben-dul, on top of the headboard. We'd put it back in the weapons locker later. It was far too dangerous to leave lying about. Frost took back his knife, and we lay down with the two of them wrapped around me, and their long arms touching each other. The Darkness and the Killing Frost might not huddle, but I did, and unless there was a way to keep Taranis out of my dreams, I'd be doing more cuddling and less sleeping from now on. I'd never suffered from insomnia, but I was willing to learn.
CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN
THE BABIES WERE all asleep in their cribs. Once I calmed down from the dream, I had to see them. I knew in all reason that they were safe, but fear isn't always about reason; maybe fear is never about reason, but some fears are reasonable. I feared my uncle, and my aunt, that was reasonable, but I also feared that my babies had somehow been left inside my nightmare--not reasonable.
Kitto stood beside the crib with me. We held hands as we gazed down at Bryluen. She was curled into a tiny ball, as if she were still asleep inside me, trying to find room between her bigger siblings. We walked to Gwenwyfar, to see her white curls almost gleaming in the glow of the night light. Alastair was flopped on his back, arms and legs akimbo, as if he'd played hard and just collapsed where he was the way Liam did sometimes. Were boys so different from the very beginning than girls? I honestly didn't know; there'd been no babies around me growing up, so my learning was all books and classes, and on-the-job training.
Kitto wrapped his arm around my waist, and I slid my arm across his shoulders. They were broader than when he'd first come to me, from Doyle's insistence that the smaller man hit the weight room and even weapons practice. Kitto wasn't expected to take his place among my guards, but Doyle wanted all of us to be able to defend ourselves. I had even joined the practice until I got too big with babies to move well, and the doctors started worrying that some of the training might cause premature labor. A
s soon as I healed I'd be back to it, because defending myself sounded awesome after my dream about Taranis. But then I had defended myself, hadn't I?
"I swear to you, Merry, the babes have slept peacefully for hours."
I hugged him. "You need to sleep, too, you know?"
He smiled up at me and then gazed at the babies, our babies. "I never thought I'd belong anywhere. I was tolerated among the goblins as long as I served a stronger warrior or his lady as their submissive toy, but if they tired of me, or one got jealous of me with the other, then they could cast me out, and masterless I was anyone's meat."
I put both my arms around him and held him close, resting my head on the top of his black curls; they were soft in texture, not like pure goblin hair, which ran to coarseness. "You're ours now, Kitto."
He hugged me back. "I have a family like I read about in books."
"The goblins aren't much for reading," I said.
"Most are not, but my first mistress taught me how to read, and after that being able to read was an asset to my other masters and mistresses--as much as the sex sometimes."
"So you read them to sleep?" I asked.
"Or read contracts to them, or modern newspapers."
"I didn't know the goblins cared about what was happening in the outside world."
"Some do."
I held him close, rubbing my cheek in the softness of his hair. I thought about all the long centuries that he had managed to survive in a culture that valued brute strength and power on the battlefield, and sex. It sounded like a desperate and lonely existence.
I tried to lighten the mood, because I needed it, too. "Good that you are learned, and fabulous at sex."
"Sometimes I was too good at the sex," he said.
I moved back enough to look into his face. "What do you mean? It's not possible to be too good at sex." I smiled when I said it, but he didn't smile back.
"Several masters and mistresses became jealous that their lovers preferred me to them, and cast me out because of it."
I gave him wide eyes and tried to think my way through that. I finally said the truth. "I'm amazed the jealous lovers didn't just kill you for it."
"Some tried, but the lovers that valued me stopped them, or even fought them in my defense."
"You are very good in bed," I said.
He smiled up at me. "But not that good, you're thinking, not by goblin standards."
"They like it very rough," I said.
"In public, but in private many of them prefer gentler sex."
I'd experienced that difference myself with Holly and Ash, the other goblins in our lives. If anyone knew they enjoyed gentle sex, their reputation would be damaged, so I said nothing, not even to Kitto.
"And if their secret got out that they'd enjoyed that with you, they would be ruined."
"It would be seen as weakness, and that is always challenged among my people."
"Your mother was sidhe, Kitto; we are your people as much as the goblins."
He smiled, and it was a happier one this time. "I was not raised sidhe, Merry, so I will always think of myself as goblin. The sidhe were these impossibly beautiful, magical beings, and the fact that I carried their skin and hair appealed to the goblins that had a fetish for the touch of sidhe flesh."
"It is a serious fetish among the goblins," I said.
"It's what led to so many rapes in the wars between the two races. The sidhe will not voluntarily share themselves with a goblin."
I leaned over and kissed him softly, gently, but thoroughly. "This is one part-sidhe princess who volunteers eagerly."
His face lit up, filled with happiness. "And I will serve you in any way I can for as long as you will have me."
"Kitto, I'm not planning on casting you out, you know that, don't you?"
His happy looks slipped a little around the edges. "If my goblin king calls me home, Merry, there is nothing you can do but let me go."
"You are sidhe now; I have brought you into your power, which means the goblins can't call you from my side, Kitto."
He cuddled tighter against me, rubbing his cheek against the crook of my neck like a cat cuddling closer. He shivered, and not in a happy way.
I hugged him tight. "What's wrong, Kitto? What are you afraid of?"
"I am a goblin with a sidhe hand of power, but Holly and Ash have hands of power, too, and they have stayed in the goblin kingdom."
"They would be insane to try to join the Unseelie kingdom with the queen so unstable," I said.
"True, but the fact that they didn't try to join the sidhe after coming into their magic means that magic alone may not be enough to keep me at your side."
I buried my face in the softness of his curls. I breathed in the scent of him, felt the gentle strength of him, and thought about him not being here by my side. It was a painful thought.
"Has someone said something to you?"
"Have you asked what Holly and Ash are doing with the new hands of power that you helped give them?"
"No, should I?"
"Yes," he said, with his lips soft against my neck.
"Tell me," I said.
"If they find out that I told on them, they will not like it, and their hands of power are much stronger for combat than mine."
He turned in my arms, so he could cuddle even closer to me. He shivered, and it wasn't from happiness at being held. He was afraid of the twin warriors, and he should have been. It suddenly felt like Kitto wasn't close enough to me; sometimes even a robe and pajamas kept the skin hunger and comfort from being fed.
I let go of him enough to open my robe and reach for his shirt. He helped me take it over his head with a smile I could see from the pale glow of the night light. We wrapped our naked upper bodies around each other, his arms wrapping around my waist inside the thin shelter of my robe. The front of him, still in shorts, pressed against my thigh. I could feel that just that much undressing had made his body start to react, but I knew I didn't have to tell Kitto that there would be no sex tonight; he wouldn't push, but be content that I wanted to touch him so closely.
"Now, tell me," I whispered against his curls.
I felt his smile against my neck, and that made me smile in the dimness of the nursery where the babies lay content and safe, despite my dream.
"They are using their newfound magic to fight duels."
"I thought Holly and Ash were so feared even among the goblins that no one would challenge them."
"They are, but there are some insults that no goblin could allow to stand if he or she wanted to keep their reputation, and to lose your reputation is to sign your death sentence among us."
"You mean they're starting the fights," I whispered.
"I mean, they are goading others into challenging them to duels, for they are not only fierce and ruthless warriors, but much craftier than most give them credit for."
I held him in my arms, feeling the warmth and solidness of him, and was afraid for him. He felt so small, delicate as my own more mortal form, and I knew that I would have died quickly among the goblins if I'd had to defend myself from insults.
"They may be nearly as smart as they are strong," I said.
Kitto's breath was hot against my skin as he whispered, "Ash is; I'm not certain about Holly, but he follows where his brother leads and that is enough to save him from mistakes he would make otherwise."
"Do you think they will challenge Kurag, Goblin King, and win the throne from him?"
"They could," Kitto said.
"I have a treaty with Kurag, but not with the twins," I said.
"Yes," he whispered.
I moved back enough to look into his face. "You think they won't honor the treaty agreement," I said.
"I fear they might not."
"Sex with me awakened their hands of power, gave them the blessing of the Goddess," I said.
"Yes, and they are grateful, but I do not believe that Ash is ever so grateful that he would allow it to interfere with his own ambitions."
I nodded. "I know they mean to seat one of them on the goblin throne."
"Kurag knows it, too," Kitto said.
"Why does he not challenge them and be done with it, then?" I asked.
Kitto studied my face. "You know the answer to that as well as I do."
"He fears he will lose," I said.
Kitto nodded.
I let that thought roll around in my head for a minute, and then said, "He's right to be afraid."
"I believe he will lose if he fights them fairly and openly," Kitto said, voice still low so that we didn't wake the sleeping babes.
"Goblin society allows only fair and open fighting. A king who lets someone else do his killing is soon a dead king," I said.
"We must all fight our own battles, that is true; so a king could not hire an assassin, for to be found out would be a death sentence, and likely a long and painful death."
"So what are you saying, Kitto?"
"I am saying that not all assassinations are paid killings."
I frowned at him. "You're being too obtuse for me, Kitto."
He sighed and said, "Kurag is much smarter than he lets most see, and has used it to his advantage politically for years. I believe he might manipulate others into trying to kill the twins for him, and his hands would look clean of their blood."
"But you say the twins are manipulating people into dueling them already; doesn't that feed into what Kurag wishes?"
"No, for the twins are only finding fights with goblins they believe they can beat. They avoid the handful of warriors that they are unsure of on the battlefield."
"You think Kurag might try to arrange a fight between the twins and someone who might be able to kill them," I said.
Kitto nodded.
"Kurag is my ally only for another few weeks, and then the treaty with him ends," I said.
"Unless you bring over more of the half-sidhe among the goblins, yes," Kitto said.
"I am not allowed sex for six more weeks, according to my doctors," I said.
"And by that time the treaty will be over and Kurag will not have to help you against your uncle, or your aunt, if they decide to attack you and yours."