From her position on the back porch, Zoe listened to her mother and Hawk talk as they cleaned up the kitchen after dinner. “I’ve been doing some physical conditioning to get back up to speed, now that I can run again,” he said.
He’d never stopped training, just running. She had grown accustomed to his daily schedule in the last few weeks. Even though he’d had to pamper his knee, he hadn’t missed a morning in the rec room lifting weights or of late using the exercise bicycle.
He had more discipline, was more deeply committed to his job, than anyone else she knew. Could he commit himself to her with half as much resolve?
Everything grew quiet. Her mother came out onto the porch. She sat next to Zoe on the glider and sighed as she set it in motion.
“I’ve missed this,” Clara said. “I think you’re right, this is the best room in the whole house.” She tilted her head back against the top of the glider and closed her eyes. “Are you and Hawk having an affair?”
Zoe’s stomach lurched. She wasn’t ready for this. She stared out at the large, orange, ball-shaped sun that hung on the horizon before turning to look at her mother. “We’ve gotten really close. He’s been a rock for me, for Brett.”
Her mother opened her eyes and looked at her. “And me. You don’t have to sing his praises to me, Zoe. I know he’s a good man.”
“But?” Zoe heard the defensiveness in her own voice.
“No, buts.” Clara met her gaze head on. “You’re an adult, this is your business. I just want you to be careful.”
Careful. It was too late for careful. “How did you do it, Mom? How did you watch Dad leave and not die inside every time? How did you not resent the fact that he wanted the Marine Corps more than he wanted us?”
“That isn’t true, Zoe.”
The shock in her mother’s expression, her voice, had Zoe studying her features.
“Your father never wanted to leave us, Zoe. He loved us. He didn’t want to go.” Clara grasped her arm. “That last time--You weren’t completely recovered, and he knew we needed him home. But he had a commitment to his men. They were depending on him.”
Zoe pushed back that small part of her that urged her to ask, “Why weren’t we first?”
“Your father believed in what he was doing, Zoe. I knew when I married him he was a Marine. It was important to him. As important as being a SEAL is to Hawk.”
Zoe stopped the glider as she leaned forward to prop her head in her hands. “The team is Hawk’s family. He’s been in the Navy since graduating college. I think it’s taken the place of the real family he didn’t have.” Who else did he have? Her stomach clenched at the thought. She looked up. “I know it’s more than that. He thrives on the camaraderie, the connection he has with his men. He has to protect and serve his country. It’s his life.”
She sat back and ran restless fingers through her hair dragging it back from her face. Could she share him with his unit? If she stayed with Hawk, she had to find a way to deal with these feelings of abandonment. She couldn’t project that resentment onto him. It would eventually destroy their relationship.
Her mother laid a hand on her arm, and Zoe looked up. “Now that Brett is awake, they’ll discharge him from the hospital pretty quickly. You said you wanted to stay out here with him, but if you need time to think, you could go back to help Sharon for a few weeks.”
An empty ache hollowed Zoe’s stomach and squeezed her heart at the idea. How could she ever think she could leave him? God, she loved him so much.
“How many more weeks before Sharon can drive?” she asked.
“Three.”
Zoe swallowed. “The doctor’s already released Hawk to go back to full duty. A few weeks or months after that his unit could be called up.” She closed her eyes against the urge to cry. “I want to spend as much time with him as I can.”
Clara nodded. “I understand.”
She really did. Zoe read it in her mother’s expression, in her eyes. “This is really hard, Mom.”
“We don’t pick the people we love, Zoe. We just love wherever our heart takes us. I love Hawk too, you know.”
“Yeah, I know.” Zoe moved to lean her head against her mother’s shoulder and Clara grasped her hand tightly in hers.
“You’ve done hard before. If it came easy, it wouldn’t mean as much. Your father and I crammed as much loving into our lives, in the months he was home each year, as most people do in a lifetime, Zoe. I don’t have any regrets. I always knew he loved me.”
“Is that why there’s never been anyone else?” Zoe asked.
“He was a hard act to follow. And I had you, Sharon, and Brett to think about. Brett’s so like his father.”
Zoe squeezed her mother’s hand. “Yes, he is. He’ll come back from his head injury and get back to his unit. I know he will.”
Clara drew a deep breath. “Sharon’s going through a depression because of the hysterectomy. She’s going to bounce back, but it’s going to take time.” She pressed her cheek against Zoe’s forehead. “We’ve all done hard,” Clara said. “I just wish we could do easy a little more often.”
“Me too, Mom. Me too.”