His eyes grew wet and he blinked twice. “Me too.”
She traced his brow and his cheekbone. “I only know that nothing will change if I stay here.”
He nodded. “You’ll have email?”
“I will.” She didn’t want to commit to writing. Life in Afghanistan or Iraq, depending on where they stationed her, would plunge her into a different way of living. Besides, it would only hurt worse to keep Shane on the line as a pen pal. “I don’t know how often I’ll write.”
Her words were one more blow, and she watched them hit their mark somewhere inside him. “Don’t take risks, Lauren. There’s nothing valiant about going places where the military warns you to stay out.”
“I know. I’ll have my jacket and helmet, my gear. I’ll be careful.” It was what she had to say, what all reporters told their families and loved ones. But they both knew the truth was something else. If the story meant going to areas of conflict, then she’d go — same as her colleagues. They all lived and worked with the understanding that they were observers, the ones who captured the news, never the ones who made it.
But after being shot at that day at the Afghanistan orphanage, Lauren knew better. Constant danger was a very real part of the job. Many journalists had died covering the war. She could only promise to be as careful as possible, nothing more.
“Hey — ” Shane put his hands on either side of her face — “did I ever tell you what I thought that first day, when I came down the airport escalator and walked into the baggage area, and there you were? Standing next to Emily?”
She smiled, even as another layer of tears clouded her vision. “I don’t think so.”
“I thought I was dreaming.” He drew her close. “Because all my life I looked for you, Lauren. The month before Emily called, I was supposed to get married.”
“I know.”
“But I never told you why I broke up with her.”
Lauren waited, savoring the feel of his arms around her, knowing this would be the last time they held each other for a long time. Maybe forever. “She wanted you to be a politician, right?”
“Yes, but that wasn’t why we broke up.” He looked past her, as if he were seeing those days again. “I kept a picture of you in my top drawer, the way you looked when you were seventeen. And at night, in my dreams, I would imagine how you must look now, nearly twenty years later.” He paused. “I’d be walking downtown or at the mall or at the gym, and I’d see a blonde woman with your profile, and I’d chase her down.”
“What?” Lauren couldn’t keep from giggling.“Are you serious?”
“Yes.” He smiled, but again his expression held more sorrow than laughter. “I’d get just close enough to call out your name, and the woman would turn around and I’d know. It wasn’t you.” He narrowed his eyes. “The last time I did that was the night Ellen and I announced our engagement.”
“Shane, that’s terrible.” She tried not to sound jealous. She hadn’t heard the details of the story before, but her heart hurt even imagining him that close to another woman. “What happened?”
“I was heading up in the elevator and the door opened a few floors shy of where the party was about to start. Through the doors I saw a blonde woman who looked like you. At least, I thought she did.” He brushed his thumb against her cheek. “I slipped out and chased after her, ran down the hall and into the indoor pool area. I must’ve looked like some sort of crazy man, running in there dressed in a three-piece suit.”
“What did she say?” She was flattered and sad all at the same time. He cared so much for her. How could she leave him? “Did she know you were following her?”
“I stopped just inside the pool deck area. She had two teenage boys with her, and an older guy with gray hair came up and kissed her. That was the first time I saw a clear view of her face, and I knew two things. First, that it wasn’t you.”
“And second?”
“I couldn’t get married. Not when my heart had never let go of the dream, the hope of finding you.”
The story filled her heart. She pressed her head against his chest, and for a long while she listened to his heartbeat. “I didn’t know.”
“So when I saw you that day in the airport, at first you were just one more blonde woman who looked like my Lauren. I was about to rush up to you and ask if you were her, when I spotted Emily. Emily who looks so much like you and so much like me. And that’s when I knew. Every prayer I’d ever uttered on your behalf had been answered.”
She closed her eyes. Every prayer but one. Because his prayers had been like hers, like Emily’s. That if they ever found each other again, they would find the same love they’d shared before. That they would never say good-bye again.
Only here they were.
She was about to tell him they should get going, she had to pack before she caught her flight in the morning. But he beat her to it. “I guess we better get it over with.”
Already something in his voice had changed, something that told her he was steeling himself to the pain that lay ahead for both of them. The beginning of letting her go. She stared into his eyes and tried to memorize the look there, tried because there would be dark days ahead when the only way she might hear God’s voice, understand His wisdom, was by remembering this moment.
They kissed, and when they came up for air, they were both quietly crying. “I love you, Lauren. Take that with you, okay?”
“I love you too, even if — ” she sobbed twice — “even if I’m the most stupid woman on the planet for letting you go.”
His lips touched hers one last time, and when he pulled back, he wore the look of a broken man. He mouthed the word, “Goodbye,” and for a long time held her gaze. Then he turned and made his way back to his car.
She watched him go, and with every bit of distance that came between them, she felt herself grow weaker, until finally she dropped to her knees and sat back on her heels. Don’t go, Shane … tell me I’m wrong! Make me stay! She wanted to shout at him that it wasn’t too late. He could still talk some sense into her. But the words wouldn’t come. Almost as if her mind knew better than her heart what needed to happen next.
He looked at her one final time before he drove away, and even from her place on the ground, she could see he was crying. Not just teary-eyed or choked up, but weeping. And she knew then that this was the hardest thing either of them had ever done.
It was one thing to say good-bye back when they were teenagers, when the decisions were being made for them. But they were adults now who had found their way back together. And this good-bye was of their own choosing. Or of her own choosing. And in that moment, as a torrent of tears filled her heart and overflowed onto her face, she wondered if maybe Shane was right after all. Maybe everything about the last season of her life had been nothing more than a wonderful, terrible dream, from which it was inevitable that one day they would both awake. And they’d be right back where they started.
Alone in the world and wondering what would’ve happened if they’d never had to say good-bye in the first place.
TEN
Justin had their final day together all planned out.
Neither of them had any commitments, nothing to do but spend the time together. He was going to miss celebrating Christmas with Emily, so he took some money he’d been saving and stopped by a jeweler at Tiffany’s in downtown Seattle’s Pacific Place, a store they’d visited a few times on their dates there. What he found was perfect for Emily, and maybe — just maybe — wearing it would help the time go by faster.
Fall was in the air, but the days were still long and sunny. Emily had asked where they were going, but he kept it a surprise. “Trust me, it’ll be perfect.”
“I know.” Emily had told him that the night before. “I just wish it wasn’t happening so soon.”
He made some joke to lighten the mood, and they both laughed. Because laughing felt so much better than crying. But now the day was here, and he was minutes away from leaving to pick her up.
Everything was all set and loaded in his Jeep. The last thing he grabbed before he left his barracks was his camera. All summer he’d been good about taking pictures. It was part of what was going to make this day special.
He had just enough time to do one more thing. He sat down at his desk and pulled out a piece of lined paper. His words would come easily. With her, they always did.
Dear Emily …
He stopped there and remembered how this rollercoaster had all started. At the office of public information.
Nothing had changed about Vonda. Back at the beginning of August, she looked at them one day, clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, and shook her head. “Now listen here.” She aimed her eyes at Emily. “Don’t go acting like you’re not in love. The whole office knows about it.”
“But this is work.” Emily grinned at her. “There can’t be fraternizing at work, right?”
She brushed her hand like she was swatting at a pesky fly. “Fraternizing? You two wouldn’t know how to fraternize if it meant a pay raise.” She pounded her fist on the counter. “I say life’s too short. If two people are in love, then don’t hide it. In fact — ” she stormed over and jerked her thumb in Justin’s direction — “get up, young man.”
Justin did as she said, chuckling under his breath. She made a big show of sliding his chair to an open computer next to Emily’s. “This is your new work space.” She took Justin’s hand and led him to his chair. “Go on, take it.” She rolled her eyes at Emily. “I have to tell you two everything.” She waited until Justin was sitting down. “Good. This way you two lovebirds don’t have to keep puttin’ on a show, and you can hold hands when you want to.”
She gave a firm nod of her head.
From that point on, Justin sat next to Emily. It was better that way, because Vonda was right. Being with her at work and pretending she wasn’t sitting on the other side of the room was by then almost impossible. Love had caught him off guard and now it consumed him, especially at work when they’d tried so hard to keep their feelings hidden, to separate their jobs from life outside the office.
Justin looked out the window, the memories still playing in his mind. He’d had his last day at the office on Friday, and Emily and Vonda threw him a surprise farewell party. Afterward, when it was time for him to go, Vonda gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then she waved her hand at him. “Go on, get out of here.” She drew back and froze, her eyes never leaving his. Suddenly her expression changed. Her chin began to quiver and her eyes welled up. Then she brought her hand to her mouth, and two trails of tears overflowed onto her cheeks. “Now look at me! All blubbery and everything.” She wiped at her eyes, took hold of his shoulders, and looked straight at him. “Justin Baker … you come back now, you hear? That’s an order.”
His throat thick, he saluted her. “Yes, ma’am.”
She gave Emily a hug. “I’m the one who told you about him, so you make sure you do your praying, got it? We all gotta do our praying.”
Before he left, she pressed a tissue first to one eye, then the other.“You’re a good boy, Justin. I’ve seen my fair share of kids go off to war and never come back. But that ain’t you, understand? This old world needs the likes of you, and I mean it. So don’t do anything to get yourself killed.”
He wasn’t sure how to react. Vonda was always the strong one, the most blunt woman he knew. But now she was showing a side he hadn’t seen. He hugged her, and when he and Emily were out in the hall, he realized Vonda wasn’t the only one crying. Emily was too.
“Hey.” He pulled her into a hug. “What’s all this?”
“I don’t know.” She pressed her head against his chest. “I just want it to be March.”
“It will be, sweetie. Soon enough.”
But no matter how strong he acted around Vonda or Emily or the teens at the center or even his parents, deep inside he was waging a different kind of war. The one against fear. Before when he’d gone to Iraq, he had nothing to lose. He only wanted to do his part, fight for the United States, and make the war effort that much stronger. But when he left back then, he left with his whole heart and soul and mind.
Not so this time.
He looked at the paper before him and tried again.
Dear Emily,
I can’t believe the worlds you’ve opened up to me this past summer. Things I never would’ve dreamed have come true and …
The words flowed as if she were standing before him and he was getting one last chance to tell her everything he felt. When he finished writing, he folded the page and tucked it in an envelope. There. Now he was ready to go. He hadn’t overlooked a single thing.
So he was a little afraid. That was something he’d have to live with. Because Emily was worth longing for, and that’s exactly what he would do. Every day while he was in the desert, no matter how important the work, he would long for her.
And one day very soon, he would come back home, and if he had his way, never — as long as he lived — leave her side again.
ELEVEN
Emily had steeled herself for this day, prepared for it by praying and journaling and taking long walks across campus just so she could think. With her mother back in the Middle East, her entire world felt like it was spinning out of control. And now this — her last day with Justin. When she woke that morning, she had tears on her cheeks even before she stepped out of bed.
Her parents had failed. Sure, they told her they might have another shot at a relationship someday. Sometime. But the dream of seeing them married was over. Even still, today was harder. Justin was leaving. There could be nothing sadder than that.
He picked her up a little after noon, and from the moment she joined him inside his Jeep, she felt something different between them, a sorrow that neither of them had allowed until this day.
“I have a few surprises for you.” He grinned at her as he drove off the campus and entered the freeway. He wore his dress uniform, and he’d never looked more handsome.
“Me too. For you.” She turned her eyes to the road because it hurt too much to look at him, to imagine him with grime on his face and mud on his boots, working the front line and kicking in doors. Her heart felt heavy inside her, and it remained that way until they pulled into a parking spot near Seattle’s waterfront. She laughed, because if she didn’t, the tears were bound to come. “The same place?” She slipped her bag onto her arm. “You’re taking me to the same place we went for our first date?”
“Sort of.” He swung a backpack over his shoulder and held her hand.
Even the air felt the same as it had the first time they were there. They walked past tourists and burly fishermen lugging buckets and poles over their shoulders. A chorus of seagulls filled the air, and every once in a while, Justin’s eyes met hers as they strolled along. She savored the sights and smells, breathing them in. She would remember this day forever. When they reached the water, instead of going to the restaurant where they’d shared their first meal, he took her out onto Pier 55, to the place where a three-level white cruise ship was loading.
“Justin, are you serious?” She stopped and stared at the ship. “You’re taking me on a cruise?”
“Yeah, well.” He rubbed his knuckles on his shoulder.“The Bahamas seemed a little far for an afternoon ride, so, you know — ” he grinned — “I settled for this.”
She’d heard from a few of the kids on campus that the lunch and dinner cruises that made their way around Elliott Bay and Puget Sound were worth every penny. The perfect place for a romantic date. But she and Justin had been forced to catch their moments between their other commitments. Though some of the cruises lasted only an hour, most were longer, and besides that, they were expensive.
Before they boarded, Justin snagged an older couple strolling past on the pier. “Please … could you take our picture?”
Both of them lit up. The man held out his hand. “Absolutely, young man.” He gave Justin a handshake before taking the camera from him. “And thank you for th
e fine job you and your guys are doing for our country.”
Emily’s heart swelled with pride. He was doing a fine job, even going to Iraq showed what sort of man Justin was, what sort of man he was going to become in later years.
“Thank you, sir.” Justin took Emily’s hand and moved her back a few steps so they were standing with the cruise ship behind them. “Okay, whenever you’re ready.”
Before the man snapped the picture, his gray-haired wife leaned in and smiled. “Oh, dear, aren’t they the most adorable couple? Just like you and me at that age.”
“The way we looked an hour ago.” The man grinned and then looked at them. “Okay, one … two … three.” He snapped the picture and handed the camera back to Justin. “Someday, when you’re old and gray like us, you’ll look back on that picture and understand about the passing of time. Don’t blink, young people!” He jabbed his finger in the salty air and smiled. “Enjoy every minute.”
“Thank you. We will, sir.” Justin waved to them and then turned to her. “Good advice.”
Emily could only nod. Could the man possibly have known how accurate he was or how timely his message? They boarded the ship and spent the first hour eating a lunch of grilled chicken. After that, they went up on deck and found a secluded bench on one side, a spot where the view was breathtaking. The ocean air felt wonderful, and with the design of the ship, the wind wasn’t too strong.
“I can’t wait another minute.” He set his backpack down and went to unzip it.
“Wait.” She put her hand on his. “Let me go first. Please.”
He grinned at her, and the sun on the water made his eyes look greener than ever before. He sat up straight again. “Okay. You go.”
Her heart beat hard. Gifts weren’t always her thing, but she’d thought long and hard about this one. She pulled the wrapped item from her bag and handed it to him. “Here.”