There's really no way to explain why I need to know that she's okay, at least now, even though I have taken steps that will put an end to that.
For once, though, someone seems to understand. Jesse stares out the window of the car. "Leave it to me," he says.
*
We were eleven and fourteen, and we were training for the Guinness Book of World Records. Surely there had never been two sisters who did simultaneous headstands for so long that their cheeks went hard as plums and their eyes saw nothing but red. Kate had the shape of a pixie, all noodle arms and legs; and when she bent to the ground and kicked up her feet, it looked as delicate as a spider walking a wall. Me, I sort of defied gravity with a thud.
We balanced in silence for a few seconds. "I wish my head was flatter," I said, as I felt my eyebrows scrunch down. "Do you think there's a man who'll come to the house to time us? Or do we just mail a videotape?"
"I guess they'll let us know." Kate folded her arms along the carpet.
"Do you think we'll be famous?"
"We might get on the Today show. They had that eleven-year-old kid who could play the piano with his feet." She thought for a second. "Mom knew someone who got killed by a piano falling out a window."
"That's not true. Why would anyone push a piano out a window?"
"It is true. You ask her. And they weren't taking it out, they were putting it in." She crossed her legs against the wall, so that it looked like she was just sitting upside down. "What do you think is the best way to die?"
"I don't want to talk about this," I said.
"Why? I'm dying. You're dying." When I frowned, she said, "Well, you are." Then she grinned. "I just happen to be more gifted at it than you are."
"This is a stupid conversation." Already, it was making my skin itch in places I knew I would never be able to scratch.
"Maybe an airplane crash," Kate mused. "It would suck, you know, when you realized you were going down . . . but then it happens and you're just powder. How come people get vaporized, but they still manage to find clothes in trees, and those black boxes?"
By now my head was starting to pound. "Shut up, Kate."
She crawled down the wall and sat up, flushed. "There's just sleeping through it as you croak, but that's kind of boring."
"Shut up," I repeated, angry that we had only lasted about twenty-two seconds, angry that now we were going to have to try for a record all over again. I tipped myself sunny-side up again and tried to clear the knot of hair out of my face. "You know, normal people don't sit around thinking about dying."
"Liar. Everyone thinks about dying."
"Everyone thinks about you dying," I said.
The room went so still that I wondered if we ought to go for a different record--how long can two sisters hold their breath?
Then a twitchy smile crossed her face. "Well," Kate said. "At least now you're telling the truth."
*
Jesse gives me a twenty-dollar bill for cab fare home; because that's the only hitch in his plan--once we go through with this, he isn't going to be driving back. We take the stairs up to the eighth floor instead of the elevator, because they let us out behind the nurse's station, not in front of it. Then he tucks me inside a linen closet filled with plastic pillows and sheets stamped with the hospital's name. "Wait," I blurt out, when he's about to leave me. "How am I going to know when it's time?"
He starts to laugh. "You'll know, trust me."
He takes a silver flask out of his pocket--it's one my father got from the chief and thinks he lost three years ago--screws off the cap, and pours whiskey all over the front of his shirt. Then he starts to walk down the hall. Well, walk would be a loose approximation--Jesse slams like a billiard ball into the walls and knocks over an entire cleaning cart. "Ma?" he yells out. "Ma, where are you?"
He isn't drunk, but he sure as hell can do a great imitation. It makes me wonder about the times I have looked out my bedroom window in the middle of the night and seen him puking into the rhododendrons--maybe that was all for show, too.
The nurses swarm out from their hive of a desk, trying to subdue a boy half their age and three times as strong, who at that very moment grabs the uppermost tier of a linen rack and pulls it forward, making a crash so loud it rings in my ears. Call buttons start ringing like an operator's switchboard behind the nurse's desk, but all three of the night-duty ladies are doing their best to hold Jesse down while he kicks and flails.
The door to Kate's room opens, and bleary-eyed, my mother steps out. She takes a look at Jesse, and for a second her whole face is frozen with the realization that, in fact, things can get worse. Jesse swings his head toward her, a great big bull, and his features melt. "Hiya, Mom," he greets, and he smiles loosely up at her.
"I am so sorry," my mother says to the nurses. She closes her eyes as Jesse stumbles upright and throws his sloppy arms around her.
"There's coffee in the cafeteria," one nurse suggests, and my mother is too embarrassed to even answer her. She just moves toward the elevator banks with Jesse attached to her like a mussel on a crusty hull, and pushes the down button over and over in the fruitless hope that it will actually make the doors open faster.
When they leave, it is almost too easy. Some of the nurses hurry off to check on the patients who've rung in; others settle back behind their desk, trading hushed commentary about Jesse and my poor mother like it's some card game. They never look my way as I sneak out of the linen closet, tiptoe down the hall, and let myself into my sister's hospital room.
*
One Thanksgiving when Kate was not in the hospital, we actually pretended to be a regular family. We watched the parade on TV, where a giant balloon fell prey to a freak wind and wound up wrapped around a NYC traffic light. We made our own gravy. My mother brought the turkey's wishbone out to the table, and we fought over who would be granted the right to snap it. Kate and I were given the honors. Before I got a good grip, my mother leaned close and whispered into my ear, "You know what to wish for." So I shut my eyes tight and thought hard of remission for Kate, even though I had been planning to ask for a personal CD player, and got a nasty satisfaction out of the fact that I did not win the tug-of-war.
After we ate, my father took us outside for a game of two-on-two touch football while my mother was washing the dishes. She came outside when Jesse and I had already scored twice. "Tell me," she said, "that I am hallucinating." She didn't have to say anything else--we'd all seen Kate tumble like an ordinary kid and wind up bleeding uncontrollably like a sick one.
"Aw, Sara." My dad turned up the wattage on his smile. "Kate's on my team. I won't let her get sacked."
He swaggered over to my mother, and kissed her so long and slow that my own cheeks started to burn, because I was sure the neighbors would see. When he lifted his head, my mother's eyes were a color I had never seen before and don't think I have ever seen again. "Trust me," he said, and then he threw the football to Kate.
What I remember about that day was the way the ground bit back when you sat on it--the first hint of winter. I remember being tackled by my father, who always braced himself in a push-up so that I got none of the weight and all of his heat. I remember my mother, cheering equally for both teams.
And I remember throwing the ball to Jesse, but Kate getting in the way--an expression of absolute shock on her face as it landed in the cradle of her arms and Dad yelled her on to the touchdown. She sprinted, and nearly had it, but then Jesse took a running leap and slammed her to the ground, crushing her underneath him.
In that moment everything stopped. Kate lay with her arms and legs splayed, unmoving. My father was there in a breath, shoving at Jesse. "What the hell is the matter with you!"
"I forgot!"
My mother: "Where does it hurt? Can you sit up?"
But when Kate rolled over, she was smiling. "It doesn't hurt. It feels great."
My parents looked at each other. Neither of them understood like I did, like Jesse did--that no matter w
ho you are, there is some part of you that always wishes you were someone else--and when, for a millisecond, you get that wish, it's a miracle. "He forgot," Kate said to nobody, and she lay on her back, beaming up at the cold hawkeye sun.
*
Hospital rooms never get completely dark; there is always some glowing panel behind the bed in the case of catastrophe, a runway strip so that the nurses and doctors can find their way. I have seen Kate a hundred times in beds like this one, although the tubes and wires change. She always looks smaller than I remember.
I sit down as gently as I can. The veins on Kate's neck and chest are a road map, highways that don't go anywhere. I trick myself into believing that I can see those rogue leukemia cells moving like a rumor through her system.
When she opens her eyes, I nearly fall off the bed; it's an Exorcist moment. "Anna?" she says, staring right at me. I have not seen her look this scared since we were little, and Jesse convinced us that an old Indian ghost had come back to claim the bones buried by mistake under our house.
If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?
I crawl onto the bed, which is narrow, but still big enough for both of us. I rest my head on her chest, so close to her central line that I can see the liquid dripping into her. Jesse is wrong--I didn't come to see Kate because it would make me feel better. I came because without her, it's hard to remember who I am.
THURSDAY
You, if you were sensible,
When I tell you the stars flash signals, each one dreadful,
You would not turn and answer me
"The night is wonderful."
--D. H. LAWRENCE, "Under the Oak"
BRIAN
WE NEVER KNOW, AT FIRST, if we are headed into a cooker or a smudge. At 2:46 A.M. last night, the lights went on upstairs. The bells went off, too, but I can't say that I ever really hear them. In ten seconds, I was dressed and walking out the door of my room at the station. In twenty, I was stepping into my turnout gear, pulling up the long elastic suspenders, and shrugging into the turtle-shell of my coat. By the time two minutes passed, Caesar was driving the engine onto the streets of Upper Darby; Paulie and Red were the can man and the hydrant man, riding behind.
Sometime after that, consciousness came in small bright flashes: we remembered to check our breathing apparatus; we slid on our gloves; dispatch called to tell us that the house was on Hoddington Drive; that it appeared to be either a structure fire or a room and contents fire. "Turn left here," I told Caesar. Hoddington was only eight blocks away from where I lived.
The house looked like the mouth of a dragon. Caesar drove around as far as he could, trying to get me a view of three sides. Then we all piled out of the engine and stared for a moment, four Davids against a Goliath. "Charge a two-and-a-half inch line," I told Caesar, tonight's motor pump operator. A woman in a nightgown ran toward me, sobbing, three children holding her skirt. "Mija," she screamed, pointing. "!Mija!"
"?Donde esta?" I got right in front of her, so that she couldn't see anything but my face. "?Cuantos anos tiene?"
She pointed to a window on the second floor. "Tres," she cried.
"Cap," Caesar yelled, "we're ready over here."
I heard the approaching whine of a second engine, the reserve guys coming to back us up. "Red, vent the northeast corner of the roof; Paulie, put the wet stuff on the red stuff and push it out when it's got somewhere to go. We've got a kid on the second floor. I'm going in to see if I can get her."
It was not, like in the movies, a slam dunk--a scene for the hero to go win his Oscar. If I got in there, and the stairs had gone . . . if the structure threatened to collapse . . . if the temperature of the space had gotten so hot that everything was combustible and ripe for flashover--I would have backed out and told my men to back out with me. The safety of the rescuer is of a higher priority than the safety of the victim.
Always.
*
I'm a coward. There are times when my shift is over that I'll stay and roll hose, or put on a fresh pot of coffee for the crew coming in, instead of heading straight to my house. I have often wondered why I get more rest in a place where, for the most part, I'm roused out of bed two or three times a night. I think it is because in a firehouse, I don't have to worry about emergencies happening--they're supposed to. The minute I walk through the door at home, I'm worrying about what might come next.
Once, in second grade, Kate drew a picture of a firefighter with a halo above his helmet. She told her class that I would only be allowed to go to Heaven, because if I went to Hell, I'd put out all the fires.
I still have that picture.
In a bowl, I crack a dozen eggs and start to whip them into a frenzy. The bacon's already spitting on the stove; the griddle's heating for pancakes. Firemen eat together--or at least we try to, before the bells ring. This breakfast will be a treat for my guys, who are still showering away the memories of last night from their skin. Behind me, I hear the fall of footsteps. "Pull up a chair," I call over my shoulder. "It's almost ready."
"Oh, thanks, but no," says a female voice. "I wouldn't want to impose."
I turn around, brandishing my spatula. The sound of a woman here is surprising; one who's shown up just shy of seven A.M. is even more remarkable. She is small, with wild hair that makes me think of a forest fire. Her hands are covered with winking silver rings. "Captain Fitzgerald, I'm Julia Romano. I'm the guardian ad litem assigned to Anna's case."
Sara's told me about her--the woman the judge will listen to, when push comes to shove.
"Smells great," she says, smiling. She walks up and takes the spatula out of my hand. "I can't watch someone cook without helping. It's a genetic abnormality." I watch her reach into the fridge, rummaging around. Of all things, she comes back with a jar of horseradish. "I was hoping you might have a few minutes to talk."
"Sure." Horseradish?
She adds a good wad of the stuff to the eggs, and then pulls orange zest off the spice rack, along with some chili powder, and sprinkles this on as well. "How's Kate doing?"
I pour a circle of batter on the griddle, watch it come to a bubble. When I flip it, it's an even, creamy brown. I've already spoken to Sara this morning. Kate's night was uneventful; Sara's wasn't. But that's because of Jesse.
There is a moment during a structure fire when you know you are either going to get the upper hand, or that it's going to get the upper hand on you. You notice the ceiling patch about to fall and the staircase eating itself alive and the synthetic carpet glued to the soles of your boots. The sum of the parts overwhelms, and that's when you back out and force yourself to remember that every fire will burn itself out, even without your help.
These days, I'm fighting fire on six sides. I look in front of me and see Kate sick. I look behind me and see Anna with her lawyer. The only time Jesse isn't drinking like a fish, he's strung out on drugs; Sara's grasping at straws. And me, I've got my gear on, safe. I'm holding dozens of hooks and irons and poles--all tools that are meant to destroy, when what I need is something to rope us together.
"Captain Fitzgerald . . . Brian!" Julia Romano's voice knocks me out of my own head, into a kitchen that's rapidly filling with smoke. She reaches past me and shoves the pancake that's burning off the griddle.
"Jesus!" I drop the charcoal disk that used to be a pancake into the sink, where it hisses at me. "I'm sorry."
Like open sesame, those two simple words change the landscape.
"Good thing we've got the eggs," Julia Romano says.
*
In a burning house, your sixth sense kicks in. You can't see, because of the smoke. You can't hear, because fire roars loud. You can't touch, because it will be the end of you.
In front of me, Paulie manned the nozzle. A line of firefighters backed him up; a charged hose was a thick, dead weight. We worked our way up the stairs, still intact, intent on shoving this fire out the hole
Red had put in the roof. Like anything that's confined, fire has a natural instinct to escape.
I got down on my hands and knees and started to crawl through the hallway. The mother said it was the third door on the left. The fire rolled along the other side of the ceiling, racing to the vent. As the spray attacked, white steam swallowed the other firefighters.
The door to the child's room was open. I crawled in calling her name. A larger shape at the window drew me like a magnet, but it turned out to be an oversized stuffed animal. I checked the closets and under the bed, too, but nobody was there.
I backed into the hallway again and nearly tripped over the hose, fist-thick. A human could think; a fire couldn't. A fire would follow a specific path; a child might not. Where would I have gone if I were terrified?
Moving fast, I started poking my head into doorways. One was pink, a baby's room. Another had Matchbox cars all over the floor and bunk beds. One was not a room at all, but a closet. The master bedroom was on the far side of the staircase.
If I were a kid, I'd want my mother.
Unlike the other bedrooms, this one was leaking thick, black smoke. Fire had burned a seam at the bottom of the door. I opened it, knowing I was going to let in air, knowing it was the wrong thing to do and the only choice I had.
Predictably, the smoldering line ignited, flame filling the doorway. I charged through it like a bull, feeling embers rain down the back of my helmet and coat. "Luisa!" I yelled out. I felt my way around the perimeter of the room, found the closet. I knocked hard and called again.
It was faint, but there was definitely a knock back.
*
"We've been lucky," I tell Julia Romano, quite possibly the last words she'd ever expect to hear me say. "Sara's sister watches the kids if it's going to be a long haul. For shorter runs, we swap off--you know, Sara stays with Kate one night at the hospital, and I go home to the other kids, or vice versa. It's easier now. They're old enough to take care of themselves."
She writes something down in her little book when I say that, and it makes me squirm in my seat. Anna's only thirteen--is that too young to stay alone in a house? Social Services might say so, but Anna's different. Anna grew up years ago.