“We need to talk.” His voice was firm, but not angry.
“I'm not really in the mood.” I kept my eyes straight ahead, which might have been a good way to keep myself from getting distracted...if it hadn't meant I was staring at his chest. He wasn't wearing anything particularly tight or sexy, but even his simple flannel shirt couldn't stop me from remembering his firm muscles and the light dusting of dark hair on his chest, how it all felt under my hands, against my cheek.
“Look at me.” His tone softened. “Please, Shae.”
I didn't want to, but I found myself unable to resist. I raised my head slowly until I was looking straight into his clear gray eyes. My breath caught in my throat and my heart began to pound. It didn't matter how angry I was at him. I still wanted him.
“Talk to me.”
I pulled my arm back, and he let my wrist go. My skin was warm and tingling where he touched me, and I had to resist the urge to rub it.
“I think we've talked enough.” I kept my face up, but my eyes slid away so I didn't have to see that earnest gaze.
“We didn't talk, Shae. You yelled and told me to get out.”
I crossed my arms and took a step back, needing to put some space between us. I could smell him, his spicy aftershave, the detergent we both used. And him. That scent that was just him, that could turn my stomach inside-out. That told me he was mine.
“Look, I don't even care that you read that file. I believe you that you didn't look at anyone else's. None of that is the point.”
“Then what is the point, Jasper?” I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. “Because I've had a very long morning answering questions about things I'd rather not think about. I just want to go home and try to forget all about this miserable weekend.”
“I want you to listen to me.” Frustration tinged his words. “I want us to find out the truth about what happened. The two of us. Together. We're stronger together.”
He was right about that, at least for me. I was stronger when I was with him. But I couldn't be with him, no matter what I wanted.
“I gave the file to the cops. Along with the email you sent and Allen's letter.”
“Dammit, Shae! I didn't send an email to Allen. Not like the one you're talking about. And I don't know what the hell was in that file, but it wasn't mine. I want to find out what's going on, but I need you to believe me.”
I wanted nothing more than to tell him that I believed him, to ask him to take me home, and curl up in his arms and spend the rest of the weekend there.
But I couldn't. I didn't truly know who I could trust or what to believe. I'd trusted Allen for most of my adult life, and then I discovered that he'd lied to me about being sick. That he'd committed suicide. And I knew Jasper had lied at least about being involved in that deception because he'd admitted it. Part of me thought the fact that he'd admitted the first lie meant that I should believe him when he said he was telling the truth now. But I couldn't help remembering the other thing he'd kept from me.
For eight years.
I couldn't let myself think about that. It was too much.
This was all too much.
“I can't do that.” I shook my head. “Please, just let me go.”
“Shae,” he started to protest.
I pushed his shoulder and felt him start in surprise. Then he stepped back, giving me a clear path. I didn't look at him as I hurried past, and I made sure I didn't touch him. If I touched him, it would all be over. One gesture like that, and I'd be completely undone. I needed to be away from him.
I wanted to look back at him, but I resisted. I kept my eyes on my car and didn't let myself go until I was safe inside. I put my forehead against the steering wheel and closed my eyes. I felt so drained. My muscles were limp, emotions wrung out. I didn't even have the strength to cry. I was tired. So tired. I just wanted to go home, and go to sleep. Sleep and forget about everything other than a few hours of blissful ignorance.
Chapter 4
The room was dark, but I could feel him there. I could always feel him. In my mind's eye, he was as clear as he'd ever been. Thick tawny hair, sparkling hazel eyes. He had a strong jaw, a lean build. I could feel his muscles beneath my fingers, smell the minty mouthwash he always used.
Allen had been my first lover. He'd taught me all of the different ways my body could bring me pleasure. He'd shown me how to make love, how to fuck. The difference between the two.
His hand slid up my side, fingers dancing along my bare skin. I ran my fingers through his hair as his mouth made a trail across my collarbone, and then down between my breasts. He pressed wet, open-mouthed kisses on my flesh, then closed his lips around a nipple. I moaned, back arching as he gently sucked on the sensitive flesh. It tightened and he flicked his tongue across the tip.
“I miss you so much,” I whispered as he moved his free hand down between my legs.
I closed my eyes, letting myself feel his touch, feel his body. I had missed him. His finger slid into me, stroking my walls. The pull of his mouth went straight through me, making my core pulse with desire. I felt the pressure growing inside me, and knew he could make me come just like this, from only his finger and his mouth.
“What do you want, Shae?” Allen whispered against my skin. He blew gently on my wet nipple and I shivered. “What do you want?”
“You.” I tightened my hand in his hair, pushing at his head, trying to get him to move lower. “I want you. Always want you.”
He let me push him down as I spread my legs wider to accommodate his lean shoulders. He settled between my thighs, and his mouth took the place of his finger. His tongue danced there, dipping and licking at every inch of sensitive flesh. I moaned and writhed, trying to get closer, impossibly closer. I wanted him inside me, a part of me. If he was part of me, I could never lose him again.
“Come for me, Shae.” He slid two fingers into me, curling and twisting them.
His tongue teased around my clit for a moment, and I whimpered.
“Come for me,” he repeated. “I want to feel you come around my fingers, come on my tongue.”
My free hand found my breast, fingers tugging and pulling on my nipple even as his mouth latched onto my clit. Pleasure coursed through my body, feeding the fire in my belly. He rubbed the tips of his fingers against that spot inside me and I came apart.
I was still coming even as he moved over me. His cock slid into me with one long, uninterrupted stroke and I cried out. My nails dug into his shoulders as he began to drive into me with slow, steady thrusts, each one pushing me higher.
“I love you, Shae,” he murmured as his hips rocked against me. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” Tears burned as they coursed down my cheeks. “I thought I'd never feel you inside me again.”
“I'm so sorry, baby. I never meant to hurt you.” He cupped my face between his hands.
“You left me.” Even as I sobbed, my body moved against his, desperate for the feel of him moving inside me, the slow burn of pleasure building. “You left me.”
“I didn't want to, my love.” He pressed his lips against my neck, my jaw. “I never wanted to leave you. I wanted us to be together forever.”
“Then why did you do it?” I looked up at him even though I knew I couldn't see him in the darkness. My fingers traced the lines of his face. I never wanted to forget them, never wanted to forget him. “Why did you leave me, Allen?”
“I had to.”
I could feel his tears dripping on my face, mingling with my own, and still he moved, sliding in and out of me with perfect rhythm. I hovered near the edge, not so close that I couldn't think, but close enough that I knew he could push me over any time he wanted.
“You didn't have to,” I protested. “Jasper lied. You weren't sick. He let you kill yourself. He took you from me.”
“No, baby. You know he didn't.” Allen rained kisses across my cheeks. “It was my choice. And I'm so sorry I hurt you. But you know Jasper.”
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“I don't want to think about Jasper.” I slid my hands down his back to cup his firm ass. “I just want you.”
“And I want you.” He brushed his lips against mine. “Always.”
He took my mouth as he moved faster. His tongue plundered, tasting, exploring every inch even as he drove into me hard enough to make me forget everything we'd been talking about. All I could think about was how he rubbed against me, how the base of his cock pressed against my clit, creating the most delicious friction.
I gasped and moaned, and he swallowed each sound. His arms slid around me, and he crushed me against his chest, his body covering every inch of mine. I was surrounded by him, full of him. He was in me, around me, filling me. I breathed him in, tasted him.
“Come for me one last time, my love.” His mouth was against my ear. “I want to feel you come apart under me, feel you squeeze my cock until I come inside you. Let me come inside you one last time.”
I squeezed my eyes closed more tightly. I couldn't think about it. One last time. I didn't want it to be one last time. I wanted to stay here forever, stay like this forever. When I'd married him, I'd thought we'd be growing old together, that I wouldn't have to worry about being without him until we were both gray.
“Come for me, Shae.” He lightly bit down on my earlobe, and it sent me over the edge.
I called out his name as I came again, pushing up against him. He pushed deep, my name a groan on his lips as he spilled himself inside me. I clung to him, riding out the pleasure, desperate to keep him inside me, keep our bodies together. I never wanted to let him go.
As he rolled us onto our sides, I hooked my leg over his hip, pulling him closer. He reached out and tucked some hair behind my ear.
“It's time, Shae.”
I shook my head. “No.” I put my hand on his cheek. “We promised to be together forever.”
“No, sweetheart.” He put his hand over mine and pulled it down, twining our fingers together. “We promised until death parted us.”
I winced.
“It's okay that you fell in love again.”
“But, Jasper...”
He leaned forward and stopped a sentence with a firm kiss. “You have the best heart, Shae. You need to listen to it.”
“But what about...”
“No.” Allen was firm. “What does your heart tell you?”
I sniffled. “That I love you.”
“No, sweetheart. You loved me. And a part of you always will, but it's okay that you love someone else now.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “What does your heart tell you about Jasper?”
I didn't want to think about it, but I knew Allen was waiting for me to answer. “I love him.” The words caught in my throat. “And he loves me.”
“He does,” Allen agreed.
“And he loved you.”
“He did.”
The truth hit me hard enough to make me gasp, and I knew it had been there all along. I just hadn't wanted to see it because I'd been scared. Scared of loving him. Scared of losing him like I'd lost Allen. So I'd pushed him away before I could get too close. I'd used what I'd seen as an excuse even though I'd known in my heart that something was wrong, that there had to be a better explanation.
“He'd never do anything to hurt you,” I said.
“And he never would have hurt you, not for a million dollars. Not for anything.” He brushed his hand over the tears on my face. “You have to tell him.”
“I will,” I promised. I wrapped myself around him. “But not yet.”
“Yes, sweetheart.” Allen grasped my shoulders and pulled me back so he could look at me. “It's time.”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, not yet. I don't want to lose you again.”
“I'm already gone, Shae.” He gave me a sad smile, and I didn't think about why I could see him now. I just wanted to stare at him forever.
“Stay with me.”
He looked so sad. “It's time to say goodbye.”
“I don't want to.” I touched his lips.
“Neither do I,” he said. “But you need to move on. Let yourself love Jasper. Let him love you.”
Something inside me released.
I leaned forward and gave him a soft, slow kiss. Then I leaned back and met his eyes. I brushed my fingers through his hair and held his face between my hands.
“Goodbye, Allen.”
I jerked awake even as I heard Allen whisper, “Goodbye, Shae.”
My cheeks were wet with tears as I leaned back on my pillows. My heart was pounding, and there was an ache deep inside me. It wasn't the pain of loss though. It was something new, something different. It was something cleansing and freeing.
I'd finally let him go.
But that wasn't all I was feeling. There was something missing.
Someone missing.
And I knew who it was.
I rolled over and grabbed my phone. I didn't care that it was late, and I knew he wouldn't either. I dialed his number from memory even as I fumbled at the lamp.
“Shae.” Jasper's voice came through after the first ring. “What's wrong?”
“I'm so sorry.” The words were almost a sob. “I'm so sorry.”
“Shae, love, talk to me.” He sounded wide awake.
“I know you didn't do anything to hurt Allen. I knew it all along. I was just scared. I shouldn't have looked in his file, and I definitely shouldn't have believed anything I read. I should have talked to you, believed you.”
“It's okay.” He tried to talk over me, but I wouldn't let him.
“No, it's not okay. You have every right to be furious with me, but I'm asking you to forgive me.”
“Of course.”
“Please come home.” I rubbed the back of my hand across my cheek, but I hadn't been crying new tears. “Will you please come home?”
“Home?” The word was tentative.
“Come back to me. Come home.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I want you here. I need you here.”
“Shae...”
“I love you, Jasper.”
Chapter 5
I showered while I waited for him to come over because I knew if I didn't, I'd spend the entire time pacing. I twisted my hair up behind my head and pulled on my robe. My face was still a bit puffy from me crying and my eyes were red-rimmed, but I could see the difference in my reflection. I looked lighter, as if a weight had been lifted off of me, and I supposed, in a way, it had.
It wasn't only that the dream had made me see what I'd already known about Jasper, but that it had given me what I hadn't gotten. A chance to say goodbye. It didn't matter that it had just been in a dream. I had closure.
With that part of my life anyway.
There were questions that needed to be answered, problems that needed solving. I knew all of those things would still be there in the morning. I also knew that an apology from me and a declaration of love weren't going to magically make things okay between me and Jasper.
But he was coming home.
My heart gave an unsteady thump when I heard the car coming up the driveway, and I was almost at the door when it opened.
His hair was tousled, his cheeks unshaven. He had bags under his eyes, and he wore a t-shirt and sweats, both wrinkled, as if he'd thrown on the first thing he'd found. He stood there for a moment, looking at me, and then crossed the distance between us in two long strides.
He took my face in his hands and rested his forehead against mine. We stood there, not speaking, not moving, but I didn't need him to say anything right now. It was enough to have him here, with me.
And then he was kissing me, his lips moving hungrily with mine as he buried his hands in my wet hair, taking it out of the twist and letting it tumble over my shoulders. His tongue slid into my mouth, and I fisted my hands in his shirt, pulling him closer, needing him closer.
I wasn't sure when he undid the belt to my robe, only that I suddenly felt the cold November breeze against my bare skin as he
pushed the robe from my shoulders, and I realized that the door was open. I didn't care. Not as long as he kept touching me. His hands were hot as they slid over my skin, a delicious contrast to the air.
“The door,” I finally murmured as his mouth pulled away from mine to start kissing along my jaw. “Close it.” I moaned as he nipped at my earlobe. “Someone could see.”
He made a low growling sound in my ear and his hands settled on my hips, fingers digging into my flesh.
“No one gets to see you like this but me.” His breath was hot against my skin.
My stomach flipped at the possessive note in his voice. “Then you might want to close the door.”
I let out a half-strangled squeak as he swept me up into his arms. He chuckled and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kicked the door shut, his laugh turning into a low rumble as I nuzzled a spot under his ear.
“I missed you,” I whispered, running my fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. “I missed you so much.”
He gently set me down on the bed, his eyes darkening as they ran down my naked body. He pulled his shirt off without a word and his sweats quickly followed.
Fuck. He wasn't wearing anything underneath.
Before he could say or do anything else, I was up off the bed and going to my knees in front of him. I heard him catch his breath, and when I looked up, he was watching me, desire clear on his face.
“I'm so sorry, Jas.” I reached out and put my hands on his hips.
“Shae...”
“Let me show you how much I love you.” I leaned forward, flicking my tongue across the tip of his cock. “Let me show you how sorry I am.”
I didn't wait for him to answer or argue.
I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock and began to lick every inch of him. His skin was soft, salty, and perfect. He moaned even as his shaft thickened and my stomach clenched with pride. I loved that I could do this for him. To him.
A part of me wanted to lose myself in the feel of him, in his taste, his scent, but a bigger part wanted to stay aware of every moment. I wasn't doing this to forget or for comfort. This was for him, and I wanted him to know I was here – body, mind, and soul. The last little bit of Allen I'd been holding onto was gone, and I belonged only to the man in front of me.