“Thank you,” I said. “For distracting me.”
He smiled and kissed the tip of my nose. “We're just getting started. I plan on distracting you all night.”
He made good on his promise.
Dinner was amazing. Everything had been cooked to perfection. The wine was excellent. We made small talk about things that had nothing to do with legal issues or my job or anything important. We talked about how things were going at the clinic, and what we wanted to do for Thanksgiving. When we were done, he cleaned off the table while I finished my wine.
I figured we'd spend the rest of the night watching tv, just enjoying time together. Instead, Jasper held out his hand and led me back to the bedroom. He didn't say a word as he undressed me, taking me out of the yoga pants and sweatshirt I'd put on earlier, his eyes darkening when he saw that I hadn't bothered with new undergarments.
“You are so beautiful.” He looked up at me from where he was on his knees. He kissed my hip and I shivered. He smiled as he put his hand on my knee. “Hold on to me.”
I put my hand on his shoulder as he lifted my leg, putting it on his other shoulder. The movement spread me open and, for a moment, I felt a flash of embarrassment, but then I saw the look on Jasper's face and forgot to be embarrassed. He cupped my ass in his hands and leaned forward, pressing his mouth against me.
My head fell forward and I moaned. His tongue danced over my skin, then darted inside, tasting me. I wanted to move, to press myself closer to his mouth, but he held me tight as he continued to lick every inch of me except the one place I desperately wanted him.
Then he was there, tongue and lips focused on that little point of nerves. He teased and sucked until I was crying out, my hands digging into his hair as I came. And even then he didn't let up, driving me from one orgasm into the next, holding me as my legs gave out.
My entire body was limp as he stood and eased me onto the bed. He stripped off his clothes quickly, then stretched out next to me, propping himself up on his elbow. His expression was strangely serious as his fingers traced patterns on my stomach.
“I told you I was going to make you forget about today, take you out of your head.” His eyes met mine. “Do you trust me?”
My stomach clenched and I nodded. I may have questioned my faith in him before, may have thought perhaps I'd misjudged him, and that he wasn't the man I knew him to be.
Not anymore. I didn't just love him. I trusted him. And I was going to show him.
“Roll over.”
I rolled onto my stomach.
“Spread your legs.”
As I did what he asked, I felt his fingers brush against the insides of my thighs, then two slid inside. I moaned, but his fingers weren't there long, only two quick strokes and then his fingers were moving up higher.
“Shit,” I breathed as the tip of one finger circled my anus.
“Have you...?”
The question trailed off, but I didn't need him to ask the rest of it. “No.” I shook my head.
“You tell me to stop, and I will,” he promised.
I nodded to indicate that I understood.
He took it slow, easing his finger into me and working it until the burn eased. When he added a second finger, I closed my eyes, focusing on keeping my breathing even, my muscles relaxed. It was a strange sensation, feeling his fingers moving inside that place, stretching things that had never been stretched before.
When his hand disappeared, I felt the mattress shift as he moved between my legs. I clenched my hands together and waited.
“Just say the word and I'll stop.” Jasper's voice was soft. He put his hand on the small of my back. “Relax and let me take care of you.”
I nodded again.
Something blunt and much bigger than his fingers pushed against me. I exhaled as my body resisted, then stretched. I made a strangled sound as the head of his cock popped past the ring of muscle and he stilled, one hand on my hip.
“I've got you, love.” He slid his hand underneath me, his fingers gently rubbing my clit. “Let me in.”
I still had that uncomfortable feeling of fullness, but the pleasurable sensations coming from my clit began to spread out, and I felt my body relax, letting his cock slip further in. He rocked his hips, easing himself deeper even as his fingers continued to rub my clit.
“Almost there, baby,” he said. “You're going to feel so good, I promise.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. My fingers were curled in the sheets, tears burning my eyes, but I wasn't going to ask him to stop. It wasn't painful exactly, not with his fingers giving me pleasure to merge with the pain. But I was so full. I didn't know if it could actually feel good, but I was going to trust him.
When he was finally all the way inside, he waited, one hand still underneath me, the other running up and down my spine. Finally, he began to move, drawing back, then easing forward. I let out a shuddering breath as he repeated the move. I couldn't say it felt pleasant yet, but the burn had lessened.
I lost track of time as it narrowed down to the sensation of him moving in and out of me, of his fingers keeping constant pressure on my clit. Soon, the pain became something else, something more intense than what I'd felt before. He began to thrust faster, and I could feel the familiar pressure beginning to build.
“I want you to come, baby.” His voice was rough. “You think you can come like this?”
If he'd asked me when we'd first begun, I would've told him no. Now, I wasn't so sure.
“Come for me, Shae.”
I gasped as he slid a finger into my pussy, his thumb continuing to move over my clit.
“I want to feel you come.” He drove in hard enough to make me cry out. “I want you to come. Feel you squeeze my cock, my finger.”
He twisted his hand at what had to have been a nearly impossible angle, his knuckle pushing against my g-spot even as he pushed his cock deep into my ass, putting extra pressure on the finger inside me. I shuddered as I hit the edge and then keened as he did it again and I came. He grabbed my hips, driving into me over and over again, overloading me on sensation. And then he was coming, calling my name as he emptied himself into me.
Later that night, after we'd cleaned up and crawled back into bed, I snuggled up to him, resting my head on his chest. He put his arm around me, his fingers making small circles on my upper arm.
“Thank you,” I said.
“For what?”
I turned my head to kiss his chest. “For doing exactly what you promised. Making me forget.”
He was quiet for a moment, then asked, “Did you...like it?”
I raised my head and gave him a questioning look. “Seriously? You did feel me come, right?”
“I wasn't sure...” His voice trailed off as he turned his head away.
“Jas,” I said his name gently. “I don't fake it.”
He looked down at me, a vulnerable expression on his face. “It's just...I don't want you to think I only...I mean...”
“Jas.” I pushed myself up and kissed him. “If I hadn't wanted to do it, I would've said so. Did it hurt? A bit. Was it worth it? Yes.” I settled back down on his chest. “I love you.”
His arm tightened around me. “I love you too.”
Chapter 14
Since I didn't have to worry about work for a while, or even grading papers over the holiday, I decided to spend the Wednesday before Thanksgiving focused on making my first real holiday without Allen more than just bearable. I knew I'd been fortunate in the timing of Allen's death when it came to holidays. I'd had some time to heal. I knew there would be things about the holidays that would make me sad, but it wasn't going to ruin them.
Jasper and I talked it over and decided we wanted to do a small Thanksgiving here. I called Mitchell first thing this morning to invite him to come, but he'd told me he'd been seeing someone for a few weeks and she'd invited him to spend Thanksgiving with her family. Since he'd never mentioned that he'd been dating someone, I suspected he
'd made it up to have an excuse for not having to spend the day pretending that things weren't strained between the three of us. I didn't call him on it though. There was always the chance he just hadn't told me about his new girlfriend.
While I loved my brother, I had to admit that I felt some relief that he wouldn't be there. I had so much else going on, so much I needed to deal with, having Mitchell there would just be one more thing on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was spend all of Thanksgiving wondering if Mitchell was going to make some ignorant comment to or about me and Jasper.
Jasper hadn't even considered going to his parents' house. When I'd asked him about it, he'd simply said that when he'd quit working at his father's practice, his father had made it perfectly clear that Jasper's decision was the same as choosing me over his family. Knowing that Jasper's relationship with his family was rocky, I hadn't pressed the matter.
Instead of worrying about our families or any of the other stuff going on in our lives, I focused on getting the house ready for the next day and planning the menu. I'd planned half a dozen Thanksgiving meals for Allen, Jasper, Mitchell and myself, but I wanted this one to be different. I didn't want Jasper to feel like he was a replacement for Allen by keeping everything else the same.
I didn't decorate as much as I had in the past, but I did get into one of the closets to get out a few things. While Jasper was in at the clinic, I put out the decorations and got to work cleaning. I scrubbed the place from top to bottom, letting myself get lost in the physical activity of it. By the time I was done and showered, my entire body was aching. Adding in how sore certain parts of my anatomy were from the previous night, I was glad I had leftovers from what Jasper had made yesterday so I didn't have to cook anything else.
Jasper and I kept it casual, eating in the living room while we watched the news. While I'd thoroughly enjoyed how we'd spent the night before, I was glad for some down time where all we were doing was sitting on the couch, holding hands, leaning on each other. Sitting like this, planning what we wanted to eat tomorrow, what we were going to do, made me feel almost normal.
We woke late for us the next morning, but still early enough to enjoy the parade while we ate the cinnamon rolls I'd bought specifically for today. After breakfast, we put on a football game in the background even though neither of us were particularly interested in either team playing. Jasper was a Colts fan and this hadn't been their year. I could pretty much take or leave the game. Still, football and Thanksgiving went hand-in-hand.
The turkey went into the bottom oven so it'd be ready late afternoon. The top was reserved for switching between toasting the bread and baking the pre-made pumpkin pies I'd bought. We went back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, checking on food, commenting on the score or various plays.
When everything was ready, we headed into the dining room to eat. The food turned out amazing and we spent the first few minutes in silence, simply enjoying the meal.
“You know, the only good holidays I had were the ones I had with you and Allen.” He took another sip of his wine. “Holidays with you two were the only ones where I knew I didn't have to worry about who was going to say what, or pretend to be someone I wasn't.”
I reached over and put my hand over his. He flipped his over, and threaded his fingers through mine.
“I don't have any good memories of holidays with my family,” he said quietly. “Not one. Not even before I pulled all that shit as a teenager and they had an excuse to treat...” His voice trailed off.
My heart ached for him, for the child he'd been. I'd known only bits and pieces about his childhood, enough to know that it hadn't been a happy one. His parents seemed to be those kinds of people who wanted the world to think they had the perfect family, and anyone who didn't fit that mold didn't belong.
“Thank you for doing this today. I know it couldn't have been easy for you.” His fingers tightened around mine.
“I miss him,” I said honestly. “But it's different than how it was. It's not so much that I wish he was here because I can't be happy without him, but I do miss him.”
“I do too.” He raised our hands and brushed his lips across my knuckles. “I know exactly what you mean. I love you and I know if he was here, we wouldn't be together, but a part of me still wishes he was here.”
I wanted to reassure him, to tell him that if Allen hadn't died, we still would've ended up together, but I couldn't say it. Allen's death had changed me, and it was that change that had brought Jasper and I together. If Allen was still alive, I wouldn't be me, not this me. And I would still have loved him.
“It messes with my head sometimes,” Jasper admitted. “Like how I can wish Allen wasn't dead, when I know that if he was still alive, I wouldn't have you? But how can I be happy I have you, without being happy Allen's dead?”
“I get it,” I said. “It's hard to separate everything.”
He nodded. “And that's always going to be there, isn't it?”
“I think so,” I said.
He was quiet for a moment, thoughtful. “How do you deal with it?”
We'd talked about Allen, shared memories of our times together. We'd both talked about how Allen would've wanted us to be happy and would have wanted me to love again. We hadn't talked about this though. We hadn't objectively discussed how we each balanced missing Allen with our new happiness. Because I was happy, despite all of the other stuff going on around me. Jasper made me happy, made me feel safe.
I shrugged. “I admit I can never reconcile those two things. I loved Allen and I miss him, but I love you and I'm happy with you.”
He gave me a soft smile. “I love you too.”
After a moment, I turned back to my plate. “Do you have anything that you normally do the day after Thanksgiving? Black Friday shopping?”
He shook his head. “I always just worked, even if it was volunteering at the ER.”
“You worked a lot over the holidays,” I said, remembering.
“I never had any reason not to,” he said. “I liked to let other people spend the holidays with their families since I never wanted to be with mine, and I only had a couple hours with you and Allen.”
“Well, you have a family to be with now,” I said. “So no working Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.”
“Agreed.” He smiled. “Do you want me to close the clinic tomorrow? We could stay home and decorate for Christmas.”
My stomach tightened as I thought of decorating the house for my favorite holiday. Allen and I always did that together the day after Thanksgiving. We'd spend the night before watching movies together, and then we'd sleep late the next day. After breakfast, we'd take down the fall decorations, and then start putting up the Christmas ones...
“Did I say something wrong?” Jasper's voice was concerned.
“No.” I shook my head. “Sorry. I was just thinking about how Allen and I used to decorate the day after Thanksgiving...”
“We don't have to,” Jasper said quickly. “Whatever you want. We can decorate a different day, or you can do it whenever. A bit at a time.”
“I don't know,” I said. “I'm just not sure if I can handle a big Christmas. I mean, I want to do Christmas. With you. But I don't know if I can do all of the things...I mean, decorating, and hosting a party and...”
“Hey.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips firmly against mine. “We don't have to do any of that. Even if it's just you and me exchanging gifts Christmas morning, that's enough.” He smiled. “Hell, we don't even have to do that. I just want to be able to wake up next to you and know that I finally get to spend Christmas morning with the person I love.”
I smiled back, grateful for his understanding. I wanted to give him a wonderful Christmas, just like we were having a great Thanksgiving. I didn't know if I'd be able to do it, but for Jasper, I was willing to try.
Chapter 15
Part of me was glad that Jasper had decided to work the day after Thanksgiving. More of me was glad that he
decided to go in late because he woke me up with one orgasm and then fucked me into another. All in all, it was a great way to wake up and I couldn't deny that I'd thoroughly enjoyed watching him getting dressed after. I liked him getting undressed even more, but I wasn't going to ask him to spend the day in bed, no matter how tempting it was.
After he left, I got up and spent the rest of the day cleaning up from yesterday. We had plenty of leftovers so I nibbled as I packed it up in separate containers, each one enough for a meal. We'd be good through the whole weekend. I'd gone a bit overboard with the food, but it wouldn't have felt like Thanksgiving otherwise.
It was strange, taking down the fall decorations and not putting up the Christmas ones I knew were sitting in boxes upstairs. A part of me still wanted to go up and get the decorations, put them all in their usual places. I wanted to stand in the living room and see the place where the tree would go, see the stockings hanging up...
Shit. I sat down on the edge of the couch. I couldn't do it. I couldn't put up the decorations Allen and I had bought together. I couldn't put up my stocking without seeing his matching one, even if it was only in my imagination. And the tree. We'd gotten a fake plastic one our first year together and even though it had been a fairly cheap one, we'd kept it. And then there were the ornaments. Some of them were ones I'd gotten as a child and teenager, but a lot were ones that Allen and I had bought together. I didn't think I could look at those either. Not today at least.
While I didn't get any decorating done, I did manage to put a dent in my Christmas shopping online. Not that I had a lot of people to buy for anymore, I suddenly realized. There was Mitchell and Jasper, of course. Mitchell's girlfriend if she really existed and still existed at Christmastime. But unless the two of us happened to become best friends before then, the best I could do for her would be something vague and impersonal. I'd be buying something for Gina and Junie too. I usually bought something small for Principal Sanders and did a fruit tray for all of the teachers, but if I wasn't back to work by then, I wasn't about to go out of my way to buy anything for them.