I tried to think. I tried to understand. I tried to see an escape to this madness. But my mind failed me on all three fronts. Instead, I began to panic, painful bits of the past pushing forward.
“The baby.” I looked out on the water, not turning when Tobey stepped closer, shuddering when his hand gently touched the top of mine. I pulled it away, and he didn’t come closer. “It’s gone.”
He didn’t respond. I needed a response from him. I needed to know how he felt, if he was as shaken as I was. I needed him to push through my resistance and pull me against his chest. I needed to sob and scream and break down, and I needed him to be the strong one, to pick up my pieces and put me back together. But he didn’t. He only stood there, next to me, both of us staring out into the dark, and said nothing.
“Rachel Frepp,” Dan said. “What do you know about her?”
Nothing. She’d gone to a few games. She worked as a valet. Was just like all of them, blonde and gorgeous. I shook my head, my hysteria rising. “I won’t tell anyone,” I whispered. “You can just go, right now. The police will never know. I promise.” In that moment, I meant it. I would let him go, would risk another woman’s life just to remove myself from danger. I stared him down and let him see the sincerity in my eyes. I was so close to finally leaving Tobey, to leaving this life, to being happy. I couldn’t die now, not when I was in reach of everything I’d ever wanted.
His expression soured, and I saw the minute his patience stopped.
“You misunderstand what I’m doing here, Ty. I’m here for you.”
“The issue was, when someone is blessed with things, like Tobey, you have to appreciate those things. Preserve those things. Whether Tobey Grant knew it or not, I was helping him. I was putting him on the right path, one that saved his marriage, one that saved his team. And I was in the perfect position to do that. Because I could see. I could see the mistakes before he made them. Take Rachel Frepp for example. If it wasn’t for me, he’d have never married Ty. He didn’t care about the baby, he was in love with Rachel. I knew it the first time I asked him about the engagement—could see that something was off, that he was a panicked man. It hadn’t taken much digging to find out who he’d been dating. Hell, who he was still dating, even with a pregnant Ty Rollins packing up her stuff and moving into his family’s mansion. She had to be eliminated. It was the only option.”
Dan Velacruz, New York Times
109
“Me?” The warnings of Detective Thorpe echoed in my mind, every slip of me past security, every time I argued for freedom—stupid decisions from a stupid girl. I had thought myself invincible. I had thought that just because I was happy, that I deserved life.
“Everything had finally come together. After Tiffany, Tobey had stopped. Had been faithful. And then you. You. You had to mess everything up.”
It was too many words, too much at one time, my brain slow in its filter. “Tobey had stopped?” I asked faintly. “Stopped what?” But I knew. April McIntosh’s Yankees’ pendant. Just like the one Tobey gave me, so many years ago, just after our wedding. Tiffany Wharton. A girl more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. Her bright smile growing each time Tobey stopped by HR. A department he had never needed to visit, until she was hired. The dark periods after each girl was found, each death affecting him much worse than me. I’d chalked it up to sensitivity, a quality I was grateful for in a husband.
“Do you know that when Rachel died, he didn’t even notice?” Dan reached out, the knife in hand, and ran the tip of it slowly across my neckline. “She disappeared, and he never even called the police. He didn’t realize she had died until the police started to tie the deaths together. He was going to leave you Ty, and he DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE her death.” His voice had changed, growing sharper and meaner, the hand holding the knife beginning to tremble, the line across my skin becoming jagged. I lifted my hands off the railing, and his eyes sharpened. “Put your hands behind you, Ty. Link your hands back there.”
April McIntosh had fought. I’d seen the photos myself, the defensive wounds on her palms. She’d also been the most disfigured, the one who’d taken the longest to die. I obeyed his directions, carefully moving my hands, behind my back, the backs of my hands bumping, at the moment before they linked, at the hard object in my back pocket. My phone.
I kept eye contact with him, pushing out my chest slightly as the fingers of one hand quietly slid into my back pocket, pulling at the edge of the phone, and sliding it carefully out.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hoping to distract him, hoping to cover my movements as I pressed my thumb against the home button of my phone. “I didn’t know—about Tobey. I didn’t know he was—”
“Of course you didn’t,” he crowed, his eyes on my face, a smirk playing at one corner of his mouth. “You were so focused on the team that you didn’t notice anything. That’s why you needed me. I was the one who watched. I was the one who saw everything. And your husband?” He dropped back his head with a laugh. “He did a terrible job of covering his tracks.” I moved my fingers blindly across the screen of my phone and prayed that I was opening up the phone app. Dan brought his chin back down, his laughter abruptly ending. “Almost as poorly as you. And that, Ty, just isn’t acceptable.”
“You’re crazy,” I choked out, tapping blindly at the front of my phone, praying for help, praying for a call, praying that someone would answer and understand everything. He must have seen me leave through this staircase. Followed me, then waited for me to come back.
“I’m not crazy,” he said simply, his free hand reaching out and sliding my shirt carefully over one shoulder, his fingers gentle as they ran over the exposed skin, as a painter would do with a fresh canvas. “I’m not crazy,” he repeated. “I’m dedicated to this team. To this family.” His touch hardened, and I stiffened as I felt those fingers slide up and wrap around my neck. He smiled then, a lift of two cheeks that didn’t match the cold look in his eyes. “Loyalty, dear Ty, is the key to success. I tried to keep Tobey loyal. For you. And then you went and—”
I swiftly brought up my knee, hitting the soft area between his legs, and twisted, his grip on my neck loosening as he wheezed. I shoved one hand forward at his chest. But when my foot stepped back, toward escape, there was nothing there but stairs, my ankle turning as one heel hit an edge, my arms pin-wheeling, my phone flying, and then I was falling. A shoulder slammed against one hard stair, and I tucked my head, my hands coming up to shield myself, the impact on the concrete landing the worst, most excruciating pain I had ever experienced.
When I opened my eyes, he was there, his eyes furious, his knife out. I inhaled and tasted blood, something in my mouth loose, my head pounding. He put one dress shoe on my chest, leaning hard, putting his weight on it as he reached forward with the knife. “You shouldn’t have done that, Ty. Not after everything I’ve done for you.” Around us, the stadium shook, a cheer going up, the trophy ceremony underway. He lifted his head and listened, a smile crossing his face. “I did that, Ty. I brought back Chase Stern, I got this team focused, and I won this Series for New York.”
“I’m sorry.” The apology gasped out of me, my lungs struggling for breath, his weight on my sternum a vice that barely allowed movement. Maybe he wouldn’t hurt me. Maybe he just wanted an audience, recognition.
“Me too, Ty.” I wished he would stop saying my name, his mouth caressing the short syllable. He leaned forward and brought the knife down, just under my ear. “I thought you were different. I thought you were such a good wife. I thought that, with Tobey behaving, you two could finally be happy. Now, it looks like you never will be.”
And I saw in his eyes, that this was the end.
110
“Run away with me,” Chase whispered, his leg wrapped around me, my body tucked into his chest, my cheek against the smooth muscle of his chest. The hotel room was dark, the sounds of the Bronx subdued.
“I can’t,” I said quietly. “You know I can’t.”
“He doesn’t love you like I do. He can’t.”
“It’s been four years, Chase. I was here that whole time.” And he hadn’t come. I had waited, in Tobey’s parents’ home, listening to every ring of the bell, every call on the phone. I had waited for Chase, and he had never come for me.
“I didn’t know about the baby, Ty. I thought—I thought you had just left me. Chose him.”
“I would never have chosen him.” I looked up at him, surprised to see his eyes wet with emotion.
“Then don’t choose him now.”
There was so much blood. All over the front of my shirt, the wet smear of it worsened by his hands, gripping at me, claws of contact, the knife swinging at me, wild, red, wet motions that were suddenly farther away, space between us as he was pulled away. Horace. I recognized his face, one of our security guards. Mitch. Another familiar face. There were more, the stairwell getting crowded, a glimpse of Dan’s face, eyes frenzied, through a space between black uniform and a pinstriped shirt. I held onto those eyes for the split second that was allowed. Then someone moved in front of me, said something to me, hands gentle as they raised my feet.
“Ty?” Dad’s voice, through the blood, through the pain. “TY!” he shouted at me, and I reached out for him, unsure of where he was, everything going dark.
111
Chase sat in the locker room, his hands on his head, trying to clear his head, to say a prayer of thanks, the weight of the last season, of the last decade, suddenly gone. They had won. He had her. Champagne sprayed, cold mist showering, and he was pulled to his feet, pushed into the center of the room, hands everywhere, on his back, his head, his arms. Smiles all around, love in the air. For the first time, since high school, he really felt the love, the bind, the feel of family. Funny how quickly hearts warmed when championships were won. Or maybe he was just now open to it, everything rosy when he had her in his future. He was gripped tightly and he smiled, a smile that hurt in its stretch. A chant started, and he tilted his chin back and yelled, a belt of joy that joined in on the chorus.
She was right. This team was a family. One she was leaving for him. The depth of the sacrifice warmed his heart, his devotion to her aching in its ferocity. All the more reason to start their own family. Together, with their love, they could have it all. Together, they would build it all.
For a moment where everything had finally come together, something felt off.
112
I had pictured the end of Tobey and I so many times. Early on in our marriage, I had contemplated running away. Everyone would wake, on Tuesday morning, and I’d be gone. There were times in our relationship where I didn’t think he’d even notice. Then later, our friendship weaving tighter and tighter with strands of love, it became harder. I didn’t know how difficult it was to leave a husband. But my business partner, my friend … over the years, it had become impossible. Until Chase.
I knew the minute our eyes met beside that plane, that I would leave Tobey. In that moment, it was no longer a choice, but a necessity. Regardless of whatever happened with Chase. Staying with Tobey when I loved another man so fiercely—it wasn’t fair to him.
In the months since that decision, I’d pictured the end of our marriage a handful of different ways. I’d rehearsed what to say. I’d pictured his reaction. I’d dreaded it all.
I never thought the end would come in a police station.
We sat next to each other in a small room, Detective Thorpe across the table, the case files spread out between us. The images I’d seen before, paper clipped to thick reports, thousands of words that captured none of the girls’ lives but every detail of their deaths. I took a deep breath, my chest burning, the stitches along my collar itching, a pile of gauze preventing my scratch. Twenty-nine stitches. Overkill for a surface wound, my blackout most likely caused by shock. Being cleared by the doc had taken two hours in the Yankees’ infirmary, my insistence at avoiding the hospital met with a fair amount of opposition. But, I couldn’t drag this out. I couldn’t lose focus. All I wanted, in my first minutes of rescued life, was to end the one I was living.
“We’ve gotten a full confession from Dan Velacruz,” Detective Thorpe said, his voice hard, no pride in the tones. “He says that you had relationships with each of the women.”
I shouldn’t be there. The detective had wanted to question Tobey privately, but he’d insisted I be present. Now, his hand tight on mine, I only wanted to run. I didn’t want to hear the details of Tobey’s affairs. I didn’t care. Maybe another wife would. Maybe another wife would feel hurt and betrayed. But that all seemed a little hypocritical when all I wanted to do was burst from this seat, sprint through the station, and out into the night. I wanted to find Chase, jump into his arms and escape. I didn’t want to see the guilt in Tobey’s eyes, hear the pain in his voice.
“Relationships is a fairly strong word, for some of the women.” Tobey swallowed, his hand tightening on mine. “For the first girls, yes. Rachel … I was in love with her. And April and I had a thing … for a while. Mostly sexual.” He turned to me, and I pulled my hand away, his eyes dropping to it before he returned to my face. “Ty, I stopped. Julie was nothing and after Tiffany, I swear to God, I stopped everything. I never even slept with Tiffany. I took her to lunch twice—nothing else. That man was crazy. I saw that after Tiffany.”
“Do you realize, had you shared this information with me earlier, years ago, how we could have saved their lives? Maybe caught the son-of-a-bitch?” Thorpe interrupted us, the hard edge of his voice caused Tobey’s face to stiffen.
Thorpe was right. What kind of asshole sat on that information? What kind of asshole sat next to me, in countless strategy sessions about the team, and allowed us to all think that the killings had to do with the Series? I half listened to Tobey’s sputter of defense, something weak and spineless. I wondered, absently, if he had broken a law. I wondered if they’d ever asked him if he’d known all of the victims. I didn’t think they ever asked me. Then again, when they had sat in our home, when we had pored over the case files, they would have probably assumed we would have mentioned it. Who wouldn’t have offered that from the start? Tobey.
My phone call, in that stairwell with Dan, went to my dad. His phone hadn’t rung, the call sent straight to voicemail, his eyes catching the indicator when it flashed on his screen. The voicemail was almost a minute long, Dan’s and my conversation clear, the acoustics of the concrete stairwell helpful in their search. That message played on repeat between countless parties. That voicemail saved my life. It also aired our secrets to every listener.
“I should have told you.” I didn’t know if Tobey was talking to me or the detective, but he was right. He should have told me that he wasn’t happy. He should have told me, when I was pregnant with Logan, that he was in love with Rachel. He should have told Detective Thorpe that the killing wasn’t about the World Fucking Series, or Chase Stern, at all. He should have told him that the girls all had one very clear connection to each other: him. I thought of Tiffany Wharton’s face, the blood staining her cream sweater, the unnatural bend of her elbows. Two meals with my husband had cost her her life. Damn him for not controlling himself. Damn him for keeping his affairs a secret … for what? To preserve our empty fucking shell of a marriage?
“I don’t mean to interrupt the questioning,” I said carefully, meeting Detective Thorpe’s eyes respectfully before turning to my husband. “But I have something I need to say to Tobey.”
Just six months ago, I thought I knew everything about this man. The glint in his stare when a spark of anger burned. The way he loved his steak, started on the grill and finished in the oven. The sound that hissed through his teeth when I took him in my mouth. Obviously, I was wrong. There were many signs I missed, or ignored. Secrets that he held close to his heart, lives he lived away from my side. But I still recognized the look in his eyes when he looked into my face. One long moment of connection, one that lasted for an eterni
ty. One where our relationship died in that tormented pause. “I’m leaving.”
The sigh tumbled out of him, loud and heavy, his shoulders sagging, as he lowered his head, that thick head of hair, wild and unkempt in the midnight hour, to my shoulder. And there, my husband, his hands fisting against my jeans, for the first time since I’d known him, silently cried.
I felt the shudder, the tremble of his shoulders, his grip on me more desperate, one long, wet inhale against my neck, his mouth close to the start of my bandage. The weight of him almost hurt, his hands heavy and hard against my thighs, his knees bumping against my own, and he hiccupped once, before turning his head, his cheek against my shoulder, and spoke.
“Please don’t,” he whispered.
Despite myself, I bent into him, wrapping my arms around him, hugging him as best I could, and closed my eyes, a few of my own tears leaking out. “I have to,” I said quietly.
I had always thought it would be hard, and I was right.
113
“Are you sure?” Tobey sat against the table, his hands in the pockets of his suit pants, us finally alone in the room. Detective Thorpe had excused himself, giving us a moment of privacy after telling me that I was free to go.
I met his eyes, the sadness in them pulling at every seam of my heart. “I am. You weren’t the only one unhappy. There’s…” I swallowed. “Someone else.”
He stopped breathing, his face tightening, an edge coming to his sorrow. “How long?”
Such a hard question to answer. It felt like I’d loved Chase since the day I was born. “A few months,” I managed.
“Chase Stern?” he asked, looking up at me.
I wondered how he knew. I wondered how transparent I’d been. I nodded tightly, but it was unneeded. He had seen the truth in my face as soon as he’d said the name.