Eyes wide, Izzy scanned the room. Feeling like she needed me, I left Felicia’s side and put a hand on Izzy’s shoulder. She reached up to grab it with an iron grip that only got tighter with every passing second. “No…she can’t have… She’s only three years old…and today’s her birthday…and she just can’t…” She swallowed, then nodded. When she spoke again, her voice was flat, dead. “Of course, we’ll come in tomorrow. What time?”
She listened to something, then hung up the phone without even saying goodbye. My heart was thundering now as I looked at her; her expression was void, numb, but I knew it wouldn’t stay that way. “Izzy? What is it? What’s wrong with her?”
Izzy looked up to meet my eyes, and, as she stared at me, the orbs filled to the brim with tears. “They still need to do more tests, but they’re fairly certain…they think she’s got leukemia…” Her voice trailed off, but the word she’d just spoken thundered inside my head with the ferocity of a raging storm. The tears spilled from Izzy’s eyes as her face crumpled in desolation. “Hayden…my baby’s got cancer…”
She completely fell apart then, dropping into my arms so heavily, I struggled to keep her upright. Racking sobs that were too big for her small body left her, and I felt my eyes sting with tears, felt the hot trails rolling down my cheeks. From behind me, I heard Felicia begin to cry, as her arms wrapped around Izzy and me. Hookup was cursing, then sniffling, then falling to his knees with his head buried in his hands.
No…it couldn’t be true. It had to be something else—anything else. She was only three years old…
* * *
Weeks passed, taking the hope I’d been cultivating, and morphing it into complete and utter crap. Antonia was sick. Really, truly, devastatingly sick. Izzy was scared out of her mind that she was going to lose her. Fuck. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to lose her. She’d only been a part of our lives for three years, but she’d changed me, touched me; I couldn’t imagine my life without her now. I didn’t want to.
Oddly, out of all of us, Antonia was the one handling it best. Of course, she was too young to completely understand the situation. All she knew was that the nurses at the children’s hospital in San Diego were nice, and that they lavished her with love, toys, games…whatever made her visits more bearable. Whenever she did get scared—usually when needles were involved—they were right there for her, soothing her with humor and kind words. They were great. I wished they could have soothed and comforted me with silly stories, because I sure could have used it.
Izzy didn’t see Hookup much after the diagnosis. He disappeared, immersing himself in gambling, women, alcohol—whatever he needed to dull the pain. I dulled my own with Felicia. I held off asking her to marry me—now was definitely not the right time—but every free minute I had, I spent with her, usually in bed. Sex was as good a distraction as any, and besides the occasional street race with Hookup, it was all I had to keep me busy.
Panting, spent, I rolled off Felicia and stared up at the cracked ceiling of our apartment. My body was still flooded with endorphins, and for one moment in time, everything in the world was perfect.
Beside me, Felicia let out a satisfied groan. “God, Hayden, that was just… God…”
I knew exactly what she meant. I wasn’t sure if it was the ramped-up emotions swirling all over the place, but the sex between us lately had been hot, passionate, all-consuming—two lit torches burning down the bed. I knew things would probably settle down again, but for now, I’d gladly take the heat.
But even as I thought that, a heaviness started weighing down the room. I felt it, and I knew Felicia felt it too. As the passion faded away, as our breaths returned to normal, a sense of unease clamped around my heart. Things weren’t perfect. They were far from perfect.
“So…did you still want to go with me? Antonia is finally home from the hospital. I want to see how she’s doing, give Iz a hug. I’m sure she needs one.”
I thought she’d say yes right away, but she hesitated. When I looked over at her, she was chewing on her lip. She stopped as soon as she saw me watching. “Yeah, when did you want to go?”
Tossing the covers aside, I told her, “Now is good.”
She shivered as the colder air hit her, her skin pebbling, her nipples hardening. For a moment, I reconsidered leaving. What harm would it do if we indulged in another go-around? If we delayed the inevitable just a little longer…
Knowing procrastination wouldn’t help the situation any, I shook the vague erotic idea out of my head and got up. I hurried to get dressed, but Felicia stayed there on the bed, naked and exposed, staring up at the ceiling like she was lost in thought. That knot in my stomach tightened as I studied her face. “Hey, you okay?”
She instantly tossed on a smile as she snapped her eyes to mine. “Of course. Just feeling lazy.” She ran her hand down her body in a suggestive way, and I knew it wasn’t just laziness she was feeling. Like me, she was wanting to avoid reality for a little longer. It would be so easy to cave, to stay…but Izzy and Antonia, they needed me. It was time to grow up, time for both of us to grow up.
Not giving in to the small, sensual smile on her face, I reached out for her hand and started pulling her up. “Come on, sleepy, we’ve got places to be.”
She sighed, but stood up.
There was a thickness in the air as we walked to our bikes, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong…something bigger than Antonia. As we were putting on our helmets, I asked her again, “You sure you’re okay?”
Again, she smiled and nodded. “Yep, I’m fine.”
I wanted to believe her, I really did, but there was a haunted look in her eyes. Felicia didn’t like being pressed—me either—so I left it at that and hopped on my bike. She would tell me when she was ready. I just hoped she didn’t freak out first. Felicia had a habit of running when things got hard. Without a word to anyone, she’d up and disappear. Vanish, like smoke. Her foster parents would freak out when they realized she was gone. They’d call the police, and because I was her boyfriend, I’d be brought in for questioning. Izzy and Hookup would be questioned, too—any “known associate” of Felicia who they could find…but it would never lead to anything. Felicia was a pro at becoming a ghost. But then, a couple days later, she would come back, acting perfectly fine, like nothing in the world had happened. Like she hadn’t just freaked out everyone around her. That usually led to a nasty fight between the two of us. And some pretty spectacular makeup sex.
It was a gorgeous early evening in San Diego, the perfect night for a drive, but I wasn’t enjoying a moment of it as Felicia and I rode north out of the heart of the city, toward Izzy’s place. Things had been so intense lately, and in a really bad way. Felicia’s eighteenth birthday had been a week ago today, and normally we all would have celebrated the hell out the momentous occasion of her freedom from the reins of foster care…but we hadn’t even gone out. Izzy had wanted to stay with Antonia, and Hookup had left town with Grunts to bet on a boxing match.
I hadn’t felt like doing anything, but I would have if Felicia had wanted to. All she’d wanted was a copious amount of sex, and while I’d been more than happy to give it to her, I felt like we’d missed an opportunity. A small way for all of us to temporarily put aside what was going on, and celebrate a life event. It would have lifted all our spirits, recharged us, given us a much needed second wind, but instead, we’d dwelled, avoided, and ignored the problem plaguing us. And now it was beginning to feel inescapable.
When I opened the door to Izzy’s apartment, the mood inside felt just as somber as it had back at my place. Maybe it was me. Maybe I was carrying melancholy around with me, changing the tension wherever I went. As I gave Izzy a hug, I would have given anything to be able to lighten the feeling in the air. But jokes wouldn’t work, good-natured ribbing wouldn’t work; nothing would work. It was what it was, and it fucking sucked.
Felicia seemed to shrink inside herself as she absorbed the underlying feelin
g of hopelessness. She gave Izzy a hug after I did, but there was clearly a wall being erected; her full heart wasn’t in the embrace. It worried me to see Felicia retreating, but if I asked her what was wrong again, she’d only tell me nothing. Felicia was always great, even when she wasn’t great.
“Where’s Antonia?” I asked, as Izzy and Felicia separated. Izzy had always been small, but she seemed downright frail now. I should come by more often, make sure she was eating enough. I was being selfish with my sexual indulgence.
Izzy half-smiled at me. “She’s lying down. Her counts were good, so they let us check out, but now she’s feeling sick. Doctor said that might happen off and on…a side effect of the chemo. I just have to watch for fevers. She could have stayed there a few more days though…maybe she should have… I don’t know, she’s been there for so long, I thought she’d want to be home, but maybe I was wrong. Fuck, I don’t know what I’m doing, Hayden. What the hell do I do? How the hell do I pay for all this? I can’t work, I can’t leave her… I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do…”
I could see her struggling, see her emotional walls crumbling. I knew she couldn’t do this on her own, and I also knew she didn’t need to do it on her own. She had me. Pulling her into my arms, I soothed her fears as best I could. “Hey, hey, hey, you’re doing great, Izzy. No one knows how to deal with this shit. And don’t worry about money. I’ve got you covered. I’ll call Hookup, have him enter me in every single race he can find, and all my winnings will go to you. I’ve got your back, Iz, and I’m not going anywhere.”
She started sobbing against my shoulder, simultaneously thanking me and wishing there was another way. The street racing made her nervous. It was a no-brainer for me, though. She needed money, a lot of it, and racing was an easy way to get it. As I held Izzy, I looked over at Felicia. If she raced with me, we could earn twice as much money for Antonia. Felicia had a strange expression on her face—one I couldn’t read. It was a mixture of shock, fear, pride, and…something else I couldn’t name.
Once Izzy had composed herself, the three of us went to check on Antonia. She looked tiny in her bed, like a doll instead of a human. The chemo had already ravaged her, and most of her thick, dark hair was gone. She was lightly snoring as she slept, but the rest was doing nothing to restore her pallor. She seemed drained, like she was only half-alive. Clutching her throw-up bowl in one hand, she had her American Girl doll clenched tightly in the other. Izzy said she never let it leave her sight. God, if I thought it would help her, I’d buy a thousand of those damn dolls. A million, if that was what it took.
As I stood beside the bed, one arm around Izzy, watching Antonia sleep, I heard Felicia breathing heavier. When I looked over at her, I saw that her dark eyes locked on Antonia were filled with unshed tears. Bringing shaking fingers to her mouth, she murmured, “She’s so…she looks so…”
Releasing Izzy, I walked over to Felicia. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, babe.”
Swiping under her eyes, she glanced at Izzy before shifting her attention to me. Forced smile on her face, she told me, “I know.”
I wanted to know what was on her mind, but I knew the answer wouldn’t be something Izzy needed to hear, so I didn’t even ask. I just pulled her in for a silent hug. Izzy watched us with a small smile on her face, then we heard Antonia stir. She groaned in her sleep, just before green vomit started spewing from her lips. Izzy rushed to her side and helped turn her head into the bowl. She heaved a few times, then stilled; she never even woke up.
Izzy took the bowl into the bathroom to wash it out. When she returned, she looked anxious and tired. “Hayden, I hate to ask this…but could you stay tonight? I’d really…I’d really like some help with this.”
My answer was instant. “Of course.” Then I turned to Felicia. “Is that…okay?”
She nodded, her face composed, but her eyes still bright. “Yeah, of course. I’ll just…I’ll see you in the morning.”
I nodded, then leaned over and gave her a kiss. To my surprise, she grabbed my face and deepened the moment. There was almost a desperate frenzy to the contact, and instead of turning me on…it kind of freaked me out. Pulling back, I grabbed her arms. “Everything’s gonna be okay. We’ll get through this. Together.” She nodded, but her face fell a little. I gave her a kiss on the cheek, hoping some sweetness would bring her around. She smiled, but I wasn’t sure if it really worked.
Felicia stayed with us for another half hour, then she gave me a kiss goodnight and headed home. I made a meal for Izzy, then made her eat it. After that, I shuffled her off to bed. “I’ll watch over Antonia tonight. You need rest.”
Izzy protested for a long time, but finally I—and exhaustion—won, and she headed to bed. I did exactly what I promised I’d do, and kept watch over Antonia all night long. I sat in a chair beside her bed, watching her sleep, occasionally emptying her vomit bowl, and praying that everything really would be okay.
Antonia was still sleeping when Izzy woke up in the morning. She came into her daughter’s room to find me trying not to nod off in the stiff-backed chair that had been my ass’s home for the last several hours. “You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” she asked.
Shaking my head, I told her, “I told you’d I watch her all night, and I keep my word.” And I would always keep my word when it came to Antonia. If I couldn’t fix what was wrong with her, then I’d fix everything else.
A genuine smile warmed Izzy’s face. “Yeah, you do. You should go home, though…get some sleep.”
Frowning, I looked over at Antonia’s sleeping body. She hadn’t thrown up in a long time, and I was taking that as a good sign, but I’d still feel better if I saw her eyes open, saw her smile at me. “I’d like to stay until she wakes up.”
Putting a hand on my shoulder, Izzy looked down at me with the concerned eyes of a mother. “I’m fine now, Hayden. I can handle this. For today. But Felicia…something is off with her. I feel like…I feel like she’s gonna run again. Go to your girlfriend, get her to talk to you. Then get some sleep.”
I knew she was right, but even still, a part of me didn’t want to leave. Sometimes I needed reassurance too, and seeing Antonia awake and happy would be very cathartic. Izzy was right though; something was going on with Felicia. She needed me too, and I needed to be there for her. “Yeah, all right. I’ll get out of here for a little bit, get some sleep. If you need me to come back—if you ever need me to come back—just text me, Iz. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know,” she said with a smile, then kissed my cheek.
On my way home, I worried. Worried about Izzy, worried about Antonia, and worried about Felicia. How did everything fall apart so fast? But no…it hadn’t fallen apart, it had just cracked. And I could fix cracks.
I struggled to keep my eyes open the entire ride home, and when I pulled into the driveway, I debated if I could go to bed first, and talk to Felicia when I woke up. No, even I knew that wasn’t a good idea. She was my priority, and I should treat her as such. I’d talk to her first…then go to bed. As I twisted the knob, another thought occurred to me, a much happier one. I’d been waiting for a good time to ask Felicia to marry me, but there hadn’t been the perfect moment; I was beginning to think there never would be one. So, what if I chose the wrong moment instead? What if doing it now—when we were at our lowest—was the best for everyone? It would give Felicia something positive to think about, brighten Izzy’s spirits, and possibly Antonia’s too. What little girl didn’t love weddings?
My mind made up, I decided the first thing I’d do when I saw Felicia was drop down on one knee. I should give her the ring, too, though. I’d sneak into the bedroom, grab it from my underwear drawer, then drop down on one knee. It would be perfectly imperfect.
Plan in mind, I was quiet when I entered the house. She might be in the bedroom, of course, which would make things harder, but I was sure I could do it. I had quick hands.
Stealthily closing the d
oor, I started heading for the bedroom. Something felt different in the apartment, but I couldn’t put my finger on it…like the air felt stale. When I got to the bedroom, I poked my head in to see if Felicia was there. She wasn’t, so I began tiptoeing to the dresser. I stopped when I noticed something…odd. The top two drawers on Felicia’s side of the dresser were cracked open, the bottom one was completely open, and empty.
Straightening my stance, I instantly forgot about being sneaky. Walking over to the dresser, I started yanking open drawers. Felicia’s were all empty. What the fuck? I switched to my side of the dresser…but everything of mine was still there, including Felicia’s engagement ring.
I checked the closet beside the dresser, and found the same thing—Felicia’s stuff was gone, but all my crap hadn’t been touched. An icy feeling started clenching my chest, making it hard to breathe. Did she fucking run again? She hadn’t done it in a while…I thought for sure she’d outgrown the compulsion. I hurried to the bathroom, but it was the same as everything else—void of her. Goddamn it. How could she bail on us now?
Maybe she hadn’t left yet. Maybe I could fix this. “Felicia? Babe? You here?”
There was a panicked edge to my voice. I hated hearing it, but I couldn’t help it. Felicia had never taken all of her stuff before. She’d always just fled with whatever she had on her at the time. Everything about this felt wrong. It felt pre-meditated. Felt…permanent. Fuck, this wasn’t just Felicia running away for a few days to get her head on straight. This was Felicia running away…for good.
No. She wouldn’t do that to me. We’d been best friends since I was ten years old. Something else was going on here. It had to be something else…