He wriggled his eyebrows suggestively, like I was going to take her around the corner and screw her or something. “No. You didn’t interrupt a thing.” I turned my back on her then, and stayed turned. If she wanted to speak to me, she’d have to speak to my ass.
I heard her grunt in irritation, then heard her leave with Hookup. Good. Moments later, she was at the starting line, waiting for the light to change. Hookup dragged me to the van to watch her helmet cam. I didn’t want to, but it was hard to look away once the race started; the adrenaline of the crowd swept me up.
Felicia made it to the first two checkpoints before her rival, and the crowd was seething with energy, expecting a win from her. Hookup was bouncing up and down, his glee nearly uncontrollable. And that was when the unthinkable happened. Felicia was racing down a main street, when a car suddenly turned in front of her. She managed to swerve and miss most of it, but her rear tire clipped the tail end of the car, and then she was rolling and spinning, her helmet cam showing a dizzying display of alternating dark sky, bright lights, and black concrete. I was on my bike, speeding her way, before I consciously realized it.
When I got to where her bike and body were sprawled on the sidewalk, I skidded my motorcycle to a stop. Leaping off, I dropped to my knees beside her. “Felicia?” I asked, gently raising her visor. Her eyes were closed, and I couldn’t tell if she was breathing. Studying her face for signs of life, I said her name again. “Felicia?”
Her eyes fluttered, then opened, and a pained exhale left her. Smiling at me, she whispered, “You do care.”
Relief and irritation blasted me. “Not wanting to see you splattered all over the road doesn’t equal caring.”
Her smile only grew. “It doesn’t equal hate either.” I could hear sirens in the background, could tell that someone—probably the car parked on the other side of the street—had called the cops. We couldn’t stay here, but I couldn’t stop staring at her either. Her hand weakly came up to touch my helmet. “You feel something for me…” she whispered.
Grabbing her hand, I lowered it to the ground, away from me. “I do. I feel…regret.” Her smile dropped, and the delight in her eyes faded. Something sharp in my chest told me I wasn’t being entirely honest, but I pushed the feeling away. This wasn’t the time or the place. “Now let’s get you out of here before we both get fired.”
Felicia gingerly picked up her bike. I could tell she was hurt worse than she was letting on. Her tight jeans were torn open at the knees, and I was sure the skin beneath them was a mangled mess. Since she wasn’t wearing gloves, I was positive her hands were scratched to hell too. Luckily her bike was in relatively good shape, and started right away. Hopping back on my own bike, I motioned for her to follow me, then got us out of there as quickly as possible.
When it was clear that we weren’t being chased by police or good, law-abiding Samaritans, I started looking for an open convenience store. Felicia needed to be bandaged up before the long journey home, or possibly taken to the hospital if her wounds were bad enough.
Spotting something to my right, I quickly pulled into the parking lot beside it. Felicia followed, and parked her bike right beside mine. Removing her helmet, she asked, “What are we doing here?”
Removing my own helmet, I indicated her ripped clothes. “Making sure you’re really okay.”
Her smile was warm, pleased, and inviting. She liked it when I showed that I cared about her. It made a confusing ripple of emotions go through me. Irritation and resistance to any sort of fondness for her, followed closely by memories of a time not all that long ago when I had been extremely fond of her. Fond enough to want to make her my wife.
“Thank you, Hayden,” she murmured, her voice low and sultry. It spoke to the basest parts of me, and I hated that it did.
I wanted to respond to her by telling her that she could take a flying leap and it wouldn’t bother me any, but I knew that wasn’t the truth, so I remained silent. Seemed the safest course of action.
When we got inside the store, I had her stand still so I could examine her legs. Both knees had bloody road rashes that looked pretty nasty and probably stung like a bitch. While they’d bled quite a bit, I knew from experience that it was mostly superficial. We’d just have to clean and wrap them. There was a pretty deep gash in her palm, but it wasn’t anything a little superglue wouldn’t fix.
By Felicia’s content smile, you’d think we were on a date or something. Seeing that grin annoyed me just as much as it brought back happier times between us. We’d been best friends before we’d turned lovers, and sometimes it was hard to shake that association. But the fact that she’d basically dragged our relationship over the concrete just as harshly as her knees had been dragged made it easier to push the past aside. I just wished she’d quit smiling.
I started walking down the aisles, looking for the first aid section, without even checking to see if she was following, and I only stopped when I found what I needed—bandages, gauze, wraps, peroxide, and glue. A racer’s best friends.
As I picked up a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, I noticed Felicia discretely slipping a box of Band-Aids under her jacket. Her back was to the camera, but I glanced up at the front register anyway. The person behind the counter was engaged in a book, not paying any attention to us. “What are you doing?” I hissed at her.
She gave me a look that made it clear I had just said something strange and outlandish. “I don’t have anything on me, Hayden. Just my driver’s license, and that won’t buy Band-Aids.”
I gritted my teeth before telling her, “I’ll cover it.”
Felicia raised a defiant eyebrow; she hated it when I tried to pay for her things. It was such a familiar look, that my chest tightened and my heart surged. God, it had been forever since I’d seen that look…and in a sick way, I’d kind of missed it. “You’ll do no such thing. And besides…we used to do this all the time, Hayden. Remember?”
I did, and those memories were dragging me under, taking me back to a time when Felicia had been my entire world. I’d been so sure about her, about us…
Shaking my head, I told her, “We were kids.”
She immediately countered, “We still are.”
No, we’re not. “I walked away from this,” I stated, my voice firm.
“From what?” she asked. “From having fun? From letting go and living a little? If that were true, you wouldn’t be racing for Hookup.” I hated what she was saying, but damn if there wasn’t a small nugget of truth to it. I couldn’t deny that a very small reason why I still raced for Hookup was the fact that it felt good.
Maybe seeing that she was getting to me, Felicia’s voice grew animated. “You used to have fun, Hayden. We used to have fun. Don’t you remember?” I started to look away from her pleading eyes, but she leaned in, and the intoxicating smell of jasmine brought me back to her. Face firm, she said, “You act like your life is carved in stone, unchangeable, but it’s not, Hayden. You can change anything about yourself that you want. Anything.”
I knew with certainty that she wasn’t really talking about my life in general. No, she was referencing one very specific point, one she’d do anything to change. Felicia was basically telling me to choose her over Kenzie, to choose our past, our history, our shared connection. And there was a microscopic part of me that was tempted to go along with her desires. That was why when she handed me a bottle of superglue, I subtly slipped it into my jacket pocket instead of putting it back on the shelf.
Felicia gave me a crooked smile. “There’s the guy I used to know.”
Grabbing a few more things, I quietly told her, “Let’s go.”
She giggled as she darted for the door, but I couldn’t share her merriment. A disorienting blend of disgust and excitement was coursing through me, and I couldn’t decide if I was going to be sick, or if I was having a great time. All I knew was that everything I was doing right now was wrong. Really, really wrong. The second I was outside, I wanted to go back in and pay for all th
e crap we’d taken. It was too late though; there was no turning back.
We hurried to our bikes waiting for us in a dark corner of the lot. I tried not to think about all the ways I’d fucked up tonight as Felicia ducked between the bikes. My melancholy mood worsened as I wondered why she was kicking off her boots. When she started unbuttoning her jeans, I figured it out. “What are you doing?” I asked, knowing full well why she was undressing.
Felicia gave me an odd look, but didn’t stop removing her jeans. “You wanted me to get cleaned up. Can’t do much with super-tight denim wrapped around me.”
I was assaulted by the sight of her long legs and barely-there underwear. Jesus Christ, if Kenzie knew…if she somehow came across us…I was screwed. Thoroughly, royally screwed. God, I was a horrible person. I’m sorry, Kenzie.
Felicia had her hand out as I stood there staring in shock and wallowing in shame. She cleared her throat and I finally realized what she wanted. As quickly as I could, I handed her the first aid stuff, then turned my back on her. Her deep throaty laugh met my ear. “I don’t care if you look, Hayden. I like it when you look.”
Heat rushed through my chest and up to my face, and I honestly couldn’t tell if I was embarrassed for getting caught staring, or if I was enticed by her comment. I tried to bring the image of Kenzie in her underwear to my mind. It was surprisingly difficult to do…my mind was too full of the “now.”
I heard Felicia hiss in a sharp breath, and turned my head to look at her. She was struggling with pouring the peroxide on her knees and wiping away the blood. Cursing under my breath, I shifted so I could help her. Grabbing the peroxide and gauze pad from her hands, I squatted down to get closer to her knees. Even though the dabbing and burning was obviously causing her discomfort, she flashed pained smiles at me whenever she could. Once she was as clean as I could get her, I gauzed and wrapped her knees. “Okay, you can put your pants on now,” I murmured, avoiding looking at her lean, smooth legs.
“You sure?” she asked, her fingers threading through my hair.
Instantly, I stood all the way up, took a step back, and turned around. I hadn’t been fast enough though. A tingle of excitement ran down my spine, which only made me feel worse. “Positive. Put on your pants so I can fix your hands.”
She sighed, but I could hear her complying with my request. When she was decently dressed, I looked back at her. She had her palms out to me, almost in supplication. “I’m yours,” she whispered. “Fix me.”
I had to swallow a lump in my throat as her words struck a nerve. No, you were mine, and I had thought I could fix you, keep you, make you happy enough to stay. But that hadn’t been the case, and it will never be the case. You belong to no one but yourself. And I need more than that.
I finished cleaning her up in silence. There was nothing more to say anyway.
***
CHAPTER 14
~Kenzie~
Time was moving so slowly, and yet, at the same time, it was speeding by faster than I could handle. It was already mid-July, and we were in Monterey, California for the fourth race of the season. The fourth race… There was only one left after this. One left, and I hadn’t raced at all. I was missing everything. The hole inside me had grown so large, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. My dream was gone, my family was shattered beyond repair, and I was earning a living visually entertaining men. I sickened myself. I didn’t even have Hayden to fall back on anymore. Not one hundred percent. He’d kept things from me, and the sting of that betrayal went deep.
Trust was such a funny thing. There were moments we were together when I would have flung myself into the abyss, trusting that Hayden would catch me. Then there were other times, darker times, when I doubted if he even wanted to be with me. It was a constant sword in my gut being pulled, pushed, prodded, and jostled; every direction I moved hurt, and there was no relief. Ever.
Obviously, today was one of the darker days.
“Hey, how are you doing, Kenzie?”
I looked over to see Myles and Nikki both giving me worried glances. Indicating the skimpy outfit I was wearing, I sarcastically said, “I’m great. Can’t you tell?”
Myles’s eyes drifted down my body. I could tell seeing me like that didn’t please him though; he was scowling. “You should be out there riding, Kenzie. You should be right on my ass, chasing me to the final five. It should be you…not Hayden.”
He still hadn’t warmed to my boyfriend, and I didn’t blame him. Besides the fact that Myles only briefly saw him at events, I was sure Nikki had told him everything about Felicia and Hayden’s little texting habit. God, I hoped he wasn’t still texting her. I’d considered stealing his phone and going through it on several occasions, but I hadn’t stooped to that level yet.
“Hayden deserves it too, Myles. He’s worked just as hard.” He was currently sitting in third place, right behind Myles and Jimmy. Felicia was in fourth. Something I tried very hard not to think about.
Myles rolled his eyes and looked away, annoyance clear on his face. Instead of placing blame with my father, a man Myles deeply respected, Myles was laying one hundred percent of the blame on Hayden. I supposed it was easier that way for him. Being disappointed by someone you cared about left ugly scars across the soul.
“So,” Nikki said, clearing her throat. “We’re all going out tonight, right?” She looked at me when she said it. Myles was already in; he’d probably picked the place.
I shook my head. “Hayden won’t be. He has a thing with Keith.” I couldn’t keep the sneer out of my voice. I was getting really sick of Keith stealing my boyfriend all the time. And parading him around at parties…it was a flimsy excuse, one that stretched my trust to its limits.
Nikki scoffed, like her trust had already snapped. “Right…well, guess it’s the three musketeers then.”
Over Nikki’s shoulder, I saw Felicia walk by, a satisfied smile on her face. The three of us were sitting on a patch of grass in what was considered neutral territory, so Keith wouldn’t bust Myles’s ass. Felicia was holding two coffees, one in each hand. She was clearly walking back to the Benneti garage to get ready for the autograph session. Was one of those coffees for Hayden? Better not be.
Nikki saw my attention shift and looked over to see what I was looking at. She glanced back at me with a calculating expression on her face, then yelled, “Hey, Felicia! Come here!”
I almost reached out and smacked her. “What are you doing?” I hissed.
“Giving you peace of mind,” she told me.
Right. As if that was possible anymore.
Felicia looked confused at first; Nikki didn’t talk to her much, and I never talked to her. She glanced around like she was searching for an attacker, then she slowly sauntered our way. “What’s up?” she asked, suspicion in her voice.
Nikki’s smile was saccharin sweet. “We’re all going out tonight, and we thought it would be great if you came along.” I had to grab my hand and hold it in my lap to keep from socking her in the arm. What the fuck was Nikki doing?
Felicia’s eyes widened in shock, then she smiled. “That’s very sweet…but I can’t. Keith is taking me to some party thing tonight. Sorry.” She shrugged, then walked away. I felt like that hole in my chest had just tripled in size; next to nothing was holding me together now. She was going to Keith’s thing too? What the fuck?
Eyes wide, I locked gazes with Nikki. She grimaced, and her face turned empathic. “Well, that backfired. I’m so sorry, Kenzie. I didn’t know Keith took them both to these things.”
Standing up, I brushed the grass off my ass. “I didn’t either.” Hayden had always sworn it was just him. When had that changed? And why the hell hadn’t he told me?
When I found Hayden, he was just leaving a meeting with Keith and his crew chief. His green eyes sparkled with joy at seeing me. Then he noticed the look on my face. “Hey…you all right?”
“Funny thing,” I snipped. “Nikki got a wild hair up her ass and invited Felicia to go o
ut with us tonight.”
Hayden’s brows drew together. “Why the hell would Nikki invite Felicia? And where are you guys going? You know I’ve got that thing…”
“With Keith. Yeah, I know. That’s the funny part…Felicia said the exact same thing. She’s going with you,” I hissed, my fingers digging into my palms. The only reason I’d been semi-okay with all of this, was because he’d been going alone with Keith. Now he was going to be with Keith and Felicia, and knowing Keith, he probably wouldn’t be around much. It would be Hayden and Felicia…alone…all night.
Hayden closed his eyes and sighed. Annoyance and irritation morphed his face before it smoothed into resignation. Reopening his eyes, he told me, “It’s the first time he’s invited her. But it’s just a work thing, Kenzie. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Of course it doesn’t,” I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm. “The texts, the interviews, the onscreen kiss, and now the private parties—of course it all means nothing. What the hell was I thinking.”
I spun on my heel and stormed off. I heard Hayden following me, calling my name, and I turned again with my hands out, stopping him. “Don’t. Just leave me alone. I can’t…I can’t do this right now.”
Hayden stopped where I’d asked him to, his shoulders sagging in defeat. A part of me knew he hated this just as much as I did, but I was too ticked off to care. As far as I could tell, Hayden was getting his cake and eating it too. He was still racing. He was on top of the world. He had me by his side, and his ex following closely on his heels. I had nothing, and he had the world in his pocket. It wasn’t fair.
Not knowing where else to go, I returned to Nikki and Myles. They were both standing now, looking concerned. I hated people looking at me that way. I was fine. But as I stared at the question in their eyes, I began to reconsider whether I should go out with them tonight. Maybe I should hang back, stay close in case something happened with Hayden and Felicia at the party. Like I would know? Like I could do anything to stop it? Unless I wanted to spy on Hayden and follow him to the shindig, I couldn’t do anything. And I wasn’t about to resort to spying. Yet.