His jaw tightened, and I could tell he was struggling with what to say to me. “I don’t want to end this. I love you…” He started to reach out for me, then stopped himself. “Please, Kenzie. I gave you time, I gave you space, but I need you. Can we just…talk about this?”
I could feel my eyes watering, my throat tightening. I was barely holding on, and a “talk” right now wouldn’t go well. “There’s nothing to talk about, Hayden. We’re over.”
His mouth popped open, before closing and firming. “I don’t want to be over.”
My heart was pounding in my ribcage, but I lifted my jaw in defiance. “Then you shouldn’t have lied to me.”
His eyes grew fiery. “I did it for you. To get you the track back. To give you Cox Racing, which I did.”
Knowing that his motives were pure only made everything harder. “Was meeting up with Felicia behind my back for me too?” I asked, my voice cold.
Hayden sighed, the anger fading from him. “I never planned for that part. I never wanted that part.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I made myself ask, “And when she followed you home the night we broke up…did you want that?”
I was purely guessing about her following him home, but by the way his eyes widened, I knew I’d hit the nail on the head. “Nothing happened,” he whispered.
The thudding in my chest hurt so hard, I almost wanted to flag down a nurse and tell her I was having a heart attack. She really had gone over there. I’d known it…but knowing something in your gut and hearing a confession were two entirely different things. She’d gone over there. And nothing had happened. That part, I couldn’t believe. “Nothing?” I whispered, my voice hot.
Hayden’s eyes drifted to the ground, just for a second, but the guilt on his face was enough to confirm my suspicions. Something had happened. God, I was going to be sick. “Kenzie, it’s not what you—”
I interrupted him with quick, clipped words. I didn’t want to hear about his romantic reunion with his ex. “Thank you for the track, Hayden. For giving me back my dream. I really can’t ever repay you for that. But you and I…we will never be together again so, please, stop trying. Stop calling, stop texting, stop asking about me, stop everything.”
I backed away with my hands raised, and then, when I was positive he wouldn’t follow me, I turned and fled. As I was leaving, I heard him softly say, “I’ll never stop, Kenzie.”
When I got outside, I hunched over my knees, drawing deep breaths like I’d just run a marathon. My chest burned, my stomach roiled. He’d done something with her. He’d touched her, kissed her, caressed her…had told her he loved her, made love to her—something. I felt the bile rise in my throat, and had to swallow several times to stop my stomach from emptying. Was this really happening?
Needing to clear my head, my heart, and my soul, I climbed on my bike, started it, and tore out of there. Away. I needed away. Hours passed as I lost myself to the curve of the road. The sun sank beneath the waves of the ocean, leaving the Earth dark and dreary. I pressed my bike faster and faster, my speed dangerous on this winding road, but at the moment, I didn’t care. Concentrating on the asphalt stopped my mind from thinking about anything else; it was cathartic.
I didn’t slow down until I saw something that shocked me—the Golden Gate Bridge. Somehow, in my torment, I’d driven all the way to San Francisco…and Myles.
A small smile brightened my mood as I pulled into a rest area so I could call him. He answered almost immediately. “Hey…Kenzie. What’s up?”
There was an oddness to his voice that I instantly recognized. He probably wondered if I knew about him sleeping with Nikki, and if I was about to berate him for it. While that wasn’t a bad idea, it wasn’t why I’d called. “Hey, Myles. I’m in town…can I come over?”
“You’re in San Francisco? Why?”
“It’s a long story. Where’s your house?” He rattled off an address followed by directions, and I told him I’d see him in a few. When I put my phone away and replaced my helmet, I hoped I could keep the numbness at bay for just a little while longer. It would be so much easier to find Myles’s place if I wasn’t searching for it through a haze of tears.
Even with his directions, it took me a while to find where his duplex was hidden. When I knocked on the door and he let me inside, I was shocked by what I saw, or what I didn’t see—the place was spotless. “Myles…do you have a housekeeper?”
Myles laughed, then nervously ran a hand through his dark hair. “No, I just remembered what you—and Nikki—said about my messy tendencies. I’m trying to do better.” He looked sheepish a second, then added, “I’ve been cleaning since you called.”
A small laugh escaped me, but the look on Myles’s face grew more concerned at seeing it. “What’s wrong? You look like you’re about to have a meltdown.”
“I think I am,” I said, collapsing on his couch with a sigh. His face was a mask of confusion as he sat beside me, so I tried to explain it as best I could—without breaking into sobs. “Well, you know Hayden and I broke up…” Just saying it made my insides feel like I’d swallowed razorblades. Would it ever not hurt?
Myles looked shocked at my admission. “You did? When?”
Ignoring his question, I said, “And you know Hayden and my father worked together to get me Cox Racing back, right?”
He again looked startled. “What? That’s…odd…but amazing. Congratulations, Kenzie.”
Seeing that he clearly didn’t know anything, I sighed and said, “You still haven’t spoken to Nikki, have you?”
His delight instantly shifted to guilt. “Not since Monterey. Things are kind of—well, we kind of…”
“I know,” I said, interrupting his sad attempt at an explanation. “You guys had sex and now things are weird.” I understood the feeling, since Hayden and I had started out in a similar way. We just hadn’t been friends first. Or ever.
Myles’s dark eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets. “She told you? And you didn’t say anything?”
Frowning at the almost insulted tone to his voice, I said, “I haven’t had time.” And that was something they really needed to work out for themselves. Shaking my head, I told him, “But I need you guys to figure it out, because I really need both of you right now.”
My voice turned soft, distant, and Myles could easily see the hurt I was dealing with. “Okay, Kenzie. I’ll talk to her. What do you need from us?”
Smiling at his answer, I told him, “I want to race in the final race of the year…in New Jersey. Nikki has already agreed to be my mechanic. She actually quit Keith’s and came over to my side without me even having to ask her. She’s pretty amazing.”
A small smile lifted Myles’s lips after I said that. “Yeah, I know.” Clearing his throat, he shifted uncomfortably. “If you’re asking me to race Jersey with you, I don’t think I can. Luke’s a dick, but I’m under contract. And…I could win this thing, Kenzie. I’m so close.”
I knew all of that, and I never would have asked him to switch it up like that with only one race left. “No, no, stay with Stellar for Jersey…but come race with me next year?”
Suddenly scared, I bit my lip. If Myles won the championship with Luke, he might not want to leave Stellar. Racers could be very superstitious, after all, and clearly, he had a good thing going on over there, even if he did hate almost everyone.
Myles was quiet for a long time as he studied me. He was trying to think of a way to let me down easy, that was the only explanation for his delay. Well, he didn’t need to do that. I was a big girl. And besides, I’d dealt with a lot of disappointments this year. What was one more?
“It’s okay, Myles. I get it. You’re happy.”
Myles started laughing. “Happy? I hate 99% of those fuckers. I’m yours, Kenzie. Next season, I’m a Cox Racer again. And I’m betting anything, I can get Kevin and Eli to come with me too. We’ll have most of the band back together.”
His answer overjoyed me. I flung my arms
around his neck, then pulled back and smacked him in the arm. “Why did you wait so long to answer me?”
He laughed again as he rubbed his arm. “I was just building the anticipation. Maybe I took it a little too far.”
“A little,” I scoffed.
Myles smiled, but then it faded. “I’m sorry about you and Hayden. Okay, I never really liked him, so I’m not all that sorry to see him gone…but I know you did, and I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
His words made tears instantly cloud my vision. God, how I wanted to stop feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat. “Thank you,” I mumbled.
Myles pulled me in for a hug, and just the friendly feeling of comfort lifted my spirits. Wanting to shift the subject in any way I could, I pulled back and told him, “By the way, Nikki said it was the best sex she’s ever had. Like, can’t-stop-thinking-about-it good.” That made me nauseous for a completely different reason, but it did alter the mood in the room.
Leaning back further, Myles gave me a cocky grin. “Really? She said that?”
The giddy, boyish smile on his face made me roll my eyes. “You’re an idiot. You both are.”
A strange expression passed over his face. “I know…” he murmured, his voice haunted. I expected him to say something mocking or teasing, but he didn’t. He just sat there, his expression thoughtful and serious. And a little sad.
***
CHAPTER 21
~Kenzie~
A little over a month later, Dad, Nikki, and I were in New Jersey, getting ready for the last race of the year—my first and only race of the year. I couldn’t wait to be back on my bike, chasing a victory, but it had been forever since I’d truly competed, and nerves and excitement rampaged inside me. Strangely enough, the emotions were a welcome change; they helped block out all how lonely the last several weeks had been for me.
If it hadn’t been for this race, for spending every spare moment preparing myself mentally and physically for it, I would have been a blubbering mess, barely leaving my couch. Hayden and Dad’s gift had given me hope and vigor, just when I’d needed it most, a fact that filled me with even more conflicting emotions; it was odd and unnatural to simultaneously feel gratitude and anger. Hopefully one day I’d only feel one emotion at a time.
With only three of us on the newly revised Cox Racing Team, it felt strangely hollow and empty in our large garage bay at the event track. I kept looking around the mainly vacant space, waiting to see things that I normally saw before a race: Ralph about to throw up, Eli cracking lude jokes, Kevin blushing and apologizing, Myles laughing at it all. Next year.
“Hey, Nik, Dad and I have to go to a mandatory meeting before the autograph session. Are you good here with the bikes?” Nikki was obsessively cleaning and organizing her tools; she did that sometimes before a race. It was so good to see her in Cox blue and white again; I never wanted to see Benneti colors on my best friend again.
Nikki nodded absentmindedly and answered without looking up at me. “Yeah, yeah…it’s all good…all good.” She started mumbling something else, but I couldn’t understand her. She’d been acting really weird the last couple of days. She must be going through a bad bout of nerves too. This weekend would be the first time since Monterey that she’d seen Myles.
I’d made her call him several weeks ago. She’d just kept putting it off and putting it off, and, without my interference, they’d probably still be giving each other the silent treatment. That forced call had been awkward and silent at the beginning, but by the end they’d been laughing and chatting just like old times. And so long as they didn’t wind up in a bed together again, physically interacting shouldn’t be any different than their frequent phone conversations.
“Hey, you and Myles are going to be fine. You know that, right?” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder.
When she finally looked up at me, there were tears in her eyes. “Think so?”
Surprised by the emotion I saw on her face, I wrapped my arms around her in a quick hug. “I know so.”
Dad cleared his throat behind me, but didn’t say anything. That was his not-so-subtle reminder that we had somewhere to be and this sappy stuff could wait. I’d never in a million years thought my dad could hold his tongue about anything, but so far in our business arrangement, he’d only offered advice when he’d felt it was needed, then he’d step back and let me handle the information in whatever way I saw fit. It was a bizarre new reality I’d been thrust into, but I had to admit I loved it.
Letting Nikki go, I looked back at Dad and gave him a stiff nod to let him know that I understood his message. Just as we were moving toward the door, someone walked through it who surprised me: Dad’s ex-pit crew chief, John Taylor.
His presence stopped me dead in my tracks. My dad hadn’t had any luck convincing him to join us. Me neither. “John, what are you…? Are you here to…help us?” I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I could feel the anticipation rising.
John crossed his arms over his chest and cast a slow glance around the quiet garage. It took a solid minute for his eyes to finally rest on me. “You gonna see this through to the end?” he asked, his voice gruff.
Resolution firmed my spirit. I would never see Cox Racing die again. “The very end.”
A faint smile graced his lips, and he gave me a small nod of approval. “Then I’ll help you in whatever capacity I can.”
Relief coursed through me in a wave. Thank God. “Good,” I said, keeping most of my glee contained so I appeared somewhat professional. “We were just about to head to a meeting. Join us?”
John nodded, and fell into step behind Dad. I flashed a quick glance back at Nikki, and a wide grin burst out of me. We were one person closer to where we used to be.
While it was the same old meeting I’d been to several times before, it felt different this time. I wasn’t just a rider, I was an owner. This was my business now, not just my job, and that put a different spin on things. I felt more secure, more confident, and more at peace with my world. This was where I was meant to be. Even Keith glaring at me with murder in his eyes all meeting long couldn’t diminish my fire. My dream was alive again, and I was back where I belonged.
During the meeting, my eyes scanned the crowd of owners and riders. Whenever I caught myself doing it, I immediately forced my gaze back to the speaker. I was searching for Hayden, and that was something I didn’t want to do. He wasn’t here anyway. He’d quit. He was done. His dream was over. And as angry as I was at him, the fact that he’d given up this world killed me. Hayden belonged on a bike just as much as I did. Maybe Keith would take him back next year? But even as I thought it, I knew it wouldn’t matter if Keith wanted him. Hayden had cut ties with his boss, so he must have finally gotten sick of the man’s meddling. Hayden had given up everything Keith had offered him—stability, a home, a bike, a future. If Hayden had walked away, he must have had good reason, and that reason would probably keep Hayden away for good. So, unless someone else was willing to take a chance on the former street racer, Hayden’s days of racing were over.
And knowing I could give Hayden the chance he needed only made me feel even more conflicted. I couldn’t work with him though. I just couldn’t.
After the meeting, I headed to the autograph session while Dad and John headed back to the garage. Since I’d been out most of the year, I wasn’t sure if I’d have any fans today, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a line already waiting for me when I got to my assigned spot. Most of them were wearing T-shirts proudly displaying my racing number—22—and several were holding presents and cards; one young girl even had flowers. Tears pricked my eyes as I went to sit down. They’d missed me.
I was an emotional mess for the first few people in line. I could barely say thank you without my voice warbling. When the girl with the flowers finally made it to the front, I had to wipe away the tears. It was the best welcome I could have asked for, and I again thanked fate that I could be here today. It might not matter in the rankings
if I raced or not, but to my soul, it meant everything.
About thirty minutes into endlessly signing my name across multiple 8x10 glossies of my face, another familiar, unexpected person stepped in front of me. “Antonia?” Her dark-brown eyes and dark-brown hair—that was now long enough to put into two tiny ponytails—was as unmistakable as her effervescent smile. “What are you doing here?”
Immediately standing up, I gave her a hug, and that was when I noticed who she’d come here with. Hayden. My heart instantly started racing as I drank him in. He was dressed in street clothes, jeans and a T-shirt, and had a baseball cap pulled low over his dirty-blond hair. His eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses, but there was a small, sad smile on his lips. My chest ached at the sight of him, and every nerve was instantly pulsing with pinpricks of pain, like I’d just jumped into an icy lake. I hadn’t seen him since that night at the hospital, when I’d told him to never contact me again. He hadn’t…and while that was what I’d wanted, what I’d needed, it kind of broke my heart.
I was still stretched over the table, holding Antonia tight, eyes locked on Hayden. Antonia giggled and squirmed to get free, and I instantly remembered that I was holding her. I tried to ignore Hayden and focus on her, but that was impossible; it was like trying to ignore a spotlight being directed at my face, blinding me.
Letting her go, I pulled back and peered down at her sweet face. “What are you doing here?” I asked again. My skin felt on fire as the intensity of Hayden’s gaze burned me.
Her joyous smile reminded me of the day she was finally released from the hospital, the day she’d finally fought off the infection that had crippled her for so long. She was one tough cookie, there was no denying that. With a playful shrug, she told me, “I wanted to see you race.”