“You expect me to believe that?” She bit off the words one by one.
“It’s true! The chance to find Bee was all I thought of. ”
Her look softened slightly. No, I had imagined that, for her next words were, “And knowing that, you did not think to immediately come to me, the Skillmistress, to seek my advice and expertise in this matter?” She folded her lips tightly, then, as if against her will, asked me, “Do you have any respect for me at all?”
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“Of course I do!”
“You love me as your daughter. I don’t doubt that. But respecting my knowledge and ability, I doubt that—” She stopped herself suddenly. She was still for a moment and then asked me calmly, “What was the word to open Shine?”
“He didn’t tell me. ”
She nodded gravely. “Perfect. ” She pointed to the door. “Now go. I have work to do here. ”
“I can help. He trusts me. I know the shape of him, I can find him and bring him back. ”
“No. You can’t. Even now, you are spilling and you don’t even know it. You are tangled with him somehow. And he is holding on to you, trying to pull you with him. ”
I opened myself, trying to feel if what she said was true. Was there a tugging? Pulling me in or …?
“Stop that!” Nettle hissed at me, and I snapped my walls back into place.
“Pull me back,” Chade said quietly. Every hair on my body stood erect.
“Verity?” I whispered. I took an inadvertent step toward him, looking into his green eyes, seeking the dark-brown gaze of the king I had served. My mind darted back to a Skill-dream, of my weary king crouched by a river of pure and shining magic, plunging his hands and arms into the silvery burning flow. And then begging me to help him, to pull him back from the draw of that liquid magic.
“Stay back, boy!” he cautioned me as my daughter stepped between Chade and me. She put both her hands on my chest.
“Da. Look at me!” she commanded, and when my gaze met hers, she promised, “If I must, I will call the guard and have you removed from this room. If I must, I will force elfbark tea down your throat until you cannot muster even a thread of Skill. I will not lose you. I need you and my sister needs you. ”
“Bee,” I said quietly, and as a wave retreats from the beach, all desire for the Skill ebbed from me. I looked at Chade’s glittering eyes and felt ill.
“Save him,” I begged her. “Please. Save him. ”
Then I turned on my heel and left them there.
Chapter Twenty
Marking Time
Taking an unSkilled person through a portal can be accomplished, if it is absolutely necessary. But the dangers to both the Skilled escort and those being transported cannot be exaggerated. The focus of the Skilled one must be divided between the destination and those he escorts. Close physical contact can make the transition easier. Simply holding hands may be sufficient for two who know each other well, and is the recommended method.
On very rare occasions, it may be necessary for an escort to take more than one unSkilled person through one of the corridors. The hazard to both Skilled one and those who accompany him will increase with each additional person or creature. An apprentice should never attempt this. A journeyman, no more than two beings, and only in dire circumstance. The limit for a master is not set, but no more than five living beings are advised.
The dangers are several: That the journey will not be completed, and all will be lost within the passage. That the Skilled one will emerge exhausted, even to the point of dying shortly afterward (recall the account, by Skill-journeyman Bells, of the death of Skillmaster Elmund). That those accompanying the Skilled one will emerge deranged in mind. Or not emerge at all.
There are several ways to make a successful transition more likely. It is best if the Skilled one has used that particular portal and passage before and is familiar with it. It often seems that if the Skilled one and those with him are well known to one another, the passage is safer.
On no account should a pregnant woman make any passage. She will emerge with her womb empty. Transporting an unconscious person is to be avoided, and very small children are little better. Curiously, animals seem to fare better in passages than humans do.
—Skill-Pillars and Passages, Skillmaster Arc
The best way I know to stop thinking is to pick up an axe and attempt to kill someone with it. I had no potential targets in the vicinity, but I’ve always had a vivid imagination. I took myself down to the practice yards and looked for Foxglove.
The day was clear and cold. She was well bundled, but had her charges already steaming as they went through drill after drill. She carried a wooden practice sword and employed it without restraint as she wandered down the rows of her combatants. “This arm is unguarded, flopping about and begging to be cut off,” she told one as I arrived and gave him a sound thwack to remind him of it. I stood at the edge of her territory and waited for her to notice me.
I think she was aware of me for some time but let me watch what she was doing before she approached me. It seemed to me that she had already added five new recruits to my Bastard’s badge. She gave all of them permission to breathe and crossed the practice yard to me. “Well. I can’t exactly be proud of my work yet, but they’re coming along. I immediately put out the word that we’d be willing to take on some experienced guardsmen. We’ve attracted some who were put out of their units as being a bit too old or too damaged by old wounds. I’ll give them a chance and we’ll see who we will keep. ”
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“Any axemen?” I asked her.
She lifted one brow. “Lily there told me she used an axe. I’ve not seen her with one yet, so I can’t say. Vital looks as if he might be one. Someday. Why? Do you feel as if we’ll have need for that sort of guardsman in your company?”
“I thought I might find a practice partner. ”
She stared at me for a moment. Then she took in a breath through her nose, stepped forward, and with no hesitation felt my upper right arm and then my forearm. Her backhand to my belly took me by surprise but I didn’t lose my wind. “Are you sure you want to do this? It’s not very princely. ” I looked at her and after a moment, she nodded. “Very well. Lily!”
The woman she summoned was my height and well muscled. Foxglove sent her off for practice axes with weighted wooden bits. Then she asked me, “In those garments?”
I didn’t want to go back up to my chambers and change. Too much time, too many thoughts nagging to explode in my brain. “It will be fine,” I said.
“No. It won’t. I think there are some leather jerkins in the equipment storage. Go now so you don’t keep Lily waiting. ” As I turned to go, she added, “Here’s something to think about. Your mind will remember how to do something and you will think you can still do it. Your body will try. And fail. Don’t hurt yourself today. It will come back to you. Not quickly, and not all of it, but enough. ”
I didn’t believe her. But long before the end of her practice drills with her recruits, I did. Lily thrashed me. Even when I imagined her as one of the Chalcedean mercenaries who had taken my little girl, I could not defeat her. The wooden practice axe, weighted with lead to give it heft, weighed as much as a horse. I was not sure if it was mercy or pity that made Foxglove summon Lily to work with Vital. As soon as Lily left, she suggested I go to the steams and then rest. I tried not to slink as I left the scene of my defeat. The work had done its task of keeping me unaware of whatever Skill-cure they were working on Chade, but left me in a pit of bleakness that made my elfbark darkness look like a merry sleigh ride. I’d just proved to myself that even if I had the opportunity this moment to reclaim my daughter, she’d probably watch me die in the attempt. I think my morose expression kept anyone from speaking to me in the steams. I might appear to be the midst of my fourth decade of life to others, but it had been more than thirty years si
nce I’d been the muscled oarsman and warrior I’d been in my twenties. My body reflected the life I’d lived for the past twenty years as a gentleman farmer.
When I stumped up to the door of my chamber, I found Steady leaning against the door. I unlocked it and without a word he followed me inside. When I closed the door behind us, he spoke. “That’s going to be an amazing black eye by tomorrow. ”
“Probably. ” I looked at Burrich and Molly’s son. The bottom of my despair opened and I fell through it. Burrich’s eyes, Molly’s mouth … “I don’t know how to save your little sister. Today, for one moment, we had that chance with Chade. And it’s gone now. I don’t know where Bee is and even if I did, I doubt I can win her back. My Skill is tattering, I can’t wield a blade like I used to. Just when she needs me most, I can’t help her. ” The useless, stupid words tumbled from my mouth. His face went almost blank. Then he took two short steps toward me, seized me by my upper arms, and put his face close to mine. “Stop it,” he snarled. “You’re drowning us all in hopelessness when we need to be strong. Fitz, after my father died, you came to us. And you were the one who taught me to be a man. In El’s name, live up to that! Get your walls up! And hold them. ”
I felt like a man who suddenly realizes his purse has been cut. That sudden surprise and moment of checking to see if I could be mistaken. No. My walls were down and indeed I’d been letting my emotions overflow like a river in flood. I slammed them up and then realized that I’d drawn on Steady’s strength to do so. True to his name, he stood before me like a rock, clutching my arms. “Have you got them?” he asked me gruffly, and I nodded. “Hold them, then,” he ordered, and released me, stepping back. I thought he staggered a little, but at my concerned look he smiled. “I caught my heel on your rug. That’s all. ”
I sat down on the edge of my bed and checked my walls again. “Are they tight enough?” I asked him and he nodded slowly. “I’m not myself,” I said, hating the feeble excuse.
“No. You’re not, Tom … Fitz. We all hate that we have to wait and hope for word, but it’s all we can do. No one blames you for what happened. How could anyone have foreseen it? We are up against a magic as unstoppable as when the Red Ships were Forging our towns. ” He smiled small. “Or so I suspect. That was before my time. ”
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I nodded at him, unconsoled.
He sat down beside me. “Do you remember anything unusual about your passage through the stones?”
“I think Chade fainted just as he pulled me into the stone, so he was not using his Skill to help us make the passage. ” I didn’t like to remember it. “I was aware that we were in a passage. Aware of my identity in a way I hadn’t been before when traveling through the stones. I was trying to hold on to Chade and keep him together. But to do that, I had to let down my own walls. If you know what I mean. ”
He nodded, his brow furrowed. He spoke slowly. “You know that I’m not talented in the Skill. I sense it. I have a lot of strength that I can lend, but I can’t do much in the way of directing it. I can help someone else, but not really initiate it. ”
I nodded.
“I’m not really sure that I’m Skilled at all. I think I’m just a person who can give strength. Like my father. ”
I nodded again. “Burrich excelled at that. ”
He swallowed. “I scarcely knew my little sister. Withywoods was far away, and she seemed to not really be a part of my life. I saw her a few times, but she seemed, well, too simple. As if she’d never really be a person. And so I didn’t get to know her. I regret that now. I want you to know that if you need my strength in any way, you’ve but to ask me for it. ”
I knew he was sincere. And I knew there was precious little he could do for me. “Then look after your older sister and protect her in any way you can. I do not know what lies ahead for me. Be here for her and protect her. ”
“Of course. ” He looked at me as if I were slightly daft. “She’s my sister. And I’m part of the King’s Own Coterie. What else would I do?”
What else indeed? I felt a bit foolish. “When you left Chade, was he better?”
His face grew grave. He looked down and then lifted his eyes to meet my gaze squarely. “No. He’s not. ” He ran his fingers back through his hair, then took a deep breath and asked me, “How much do you know of his activities with the pillars and stones?”
My heart sank. “Next to nothing, I imagine. ”
“Well, he has always had a very keen interest in Aslevjal. He was convinced that the Elderlings had left a great amount of knowledge behind in those little blocks of memory stone and in the carvings on the walls. And so he would go there. At first, he would let the coterie know where he was going and how long he expected to be gone. But as his visits became more frequent, Nettle endeavored to restrict him, saying that as Skillmistress she had the right to do so. He countered that the knowledge he was gaining was well worth the risk to ‘one old man’ as he put it. It took King Dutiful stepping in to stop his travels.
“Or so we thought. He was no longer leaving Buckkeep and going up to the Witness Stones. No. He had discovered from his studies of the markings that there was another passage-stone, one that apparently been incorporated into the building of Buckkeep Castle itself. Or perhaps it was originally there. We have hints that sometimes portal-stones were actually inside strongholds. There is some information that leads us to believe there was a circle of passage-stones built into the Great Hall of the Duke of Chalced’s throne room. Long since toppled, our spies say … Oh. Sorry. Down in the dungeons of the keep, in one wall, there is a stone and on it is carved the rune for Aslevjal. He had been using it, and often. To conceal his use of it, he would leave Buckkeep late at night, and return by morning. ”
My nails were sinking into my palms. It was the worst and most dangerous way to use the stones, according to Prilkop. Years ago, he had cautioned me against making such a passage twice in the space of less than two days. I had not listened, and I had been lost in the stones for weeks as a result. Chade had been taking very grave risks indeed.
“We only discovered it when he went missing. For a day and a half we could not find him, and then he came staggering up out of the dungeons, half out of his mind, with a sack of memory stones slung over his shoulder. ”
I knew a jolt of anger. “And no one thought to tell me this?”
He looked surprised. “That would not have been my decision. I know nothing of why you were not told. Perhaps he begged them not to. Nettle, Dutiful, and Kettricken were extremely angry and frightened by the incident. That, I think, was when he truly stopped his experiments. ” He shook his head. “Except for the amount of time he was spending delving into the cubes of memory stone he had brought back. He had them in his apartments, and we think he was using them in lieu of sleep. When Nettle confronted him about his absentmindedness, he explained what he was doing. When she ordered them removed to the library, and limited his access to them, he was furious. But not as a man is furious: more like a child deprived of a favorite toy. That was over a year ago. We thought he had mastered his thirst for the Skill. Perhaps he had, but maybe these last two trips, too close together, woke it again. ”
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I thought of the times Chade had come to see me. Of how he had brought Riddle through. Nettle, I decided, had known of those visits if Riddle had gone with him. Hadn’t she?
“Does he know what is happening to him? Is he aware he’s doing it?”
“We can’t tell. He isn’t making a lot of sense. He talks. He laughs and speaks of things from the past. Nettle feels he is experiencing his old memories, and then releasing them to the Skill-stream.
“I was sent to you for two reasons. The first was to help you set your walls more tightly; Nettle is afraid that Chade will cling to you and pull your awareness with him as he goes. The second reason is to ask you for delvenbark. The strong stuff from the Out Islands. Th
e kind that completely quenched your Skill when it was fed to you. ”
“I don’t have very much left. We used most of it at Withywoods. ”
He looked concerned but said, “Well, whatever remains is what we’ll have to use. ”
It was still in my traveling bag. It had not been unpacked since they’d all but carried Chade and me to our rooms. I found it, and Bee’s dream book, in the bottom of my pack. I rummaged carefully and took out all but two packets. I looked at the herb packets then reluctantly surrendered them. It was hard to come by. Would the dose save Chade? What if it destroyed the precious ability with the Skill that he had so painstakingly built up over the years? If he could not Skill, how could he help me find Shine in the Skill-stream and use her keyword to unlock her? I clenched my jaw. It was time to trust Nettle. Time to cede respect for her hard-won knowledge. Still, I could not keep from saying to him, “Be careful. It’s very strong. ”
He hefted the little pouches. “That’s what we are hoping. Nettle thinks that if we can cut him off from the Skill, he may be able to find his center again. That perhaps we can keep whatever is left of him. Thank you. ”
He left me there, staring at the door he closed behind him. Whatever was left of him … I rose, Bee’s book in my hands, and then sat down slowly. As Chade was, he certainly could not help me find Shine. The first step had to be to stabilize him and persuade him to share Shine’s word with us. And I could not help with that. Until then I had to wait.
I was sick with waiting. Waiting had scraped me raw. I could not think about Bee. It was agonizing to imagine what she might be going through. I had told myself, over and over, that it was a useless torment to dwell on thoughts of her in pain, terrified, cold, or hungry. In the hands of ruthless men. Useless. Put my mind to what I might do to get her back. And how I would kill those who had put hands on her.
I was gripping her book savagely. I looked at it. My gift to her, a bound set of good paper between sturdy leather covers with images of daisies pressed in. I sat down with it on my lap and opened the first page. Did I break confidence with her to look at her private writings? Well I knew how often she had spied upon mine!