Again the warmth of what they shared together worked its way through Ashley. She would never for a minute take for granted the love in the Baxter family. And never be anything but grateful for her place in it. Then she remembered the scrapbook her father had mentioned, the one with copies of their mother’s letters.
“Hey, Dad—” Ashley rested her forearms on the table—“so what about those letters of Mom’s? Are you really going to get some of them copied so we can have a set?”
Their dad’s expression changed. He sat up a little straighter and blinked twice. “The letters?”
Ashley had the sudden feeling she’d said something she shouldn’t have. But why would she feel that way? What was it about the letters that flustered her father so? It was the same feeling she’d had when her father had caught her in his closet that afternoon. As if she were doing something wrong, when all she wanted was to read some of the letters her mother had written through the years, letters that would give them an additional piece to remember her by.
Brooke looked from Ashley to their father. “Letters?”
“Yes.” Ashley gave her sister a look. “Mom has a whole box of letters in her closet.” She turned to her dad again. “You said you’d make a scrapbook of some of the better ones so we could see them, right?”
“Right.” Their dad coughed and seemed unable to make eye contact with any of the girls. “I’ll do it soon, Ashley. I . . . I haven’t had time.”
“No rush.” Ashley hated pushing him. He looked so uncomfortable. If this was how he reacted every time she brought up the letters, then maybe she should wait a year and ask then. She stood, went to her father, and put her arm around him. “Hey, Dad, sorry.”
The others were quiet, watching the scene.
“No, sweetheart.” He looked up and covered her hand with his. “It’s just . . . well, going through those letters will be tough. It might take a while.”
She kissed his cheek and gave him a side hug. “Take your time, Dad. But when you do, just remember we’d like a scrapbook, okay?”
Brooke nodded. “That would be wonderful.” She looked at Kari. “I didn’t know she had a box like that in her closet.”
“Me, either,” Kari replied.
Ashley sat back down. Her father had gotten enough scrutiny. It was time to change the subject. She raised her eyebrows at Landon and smiled. “You’re not finished packing, are you?”
“Not yet.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “But that’s okay.” He winked at the others. “I like getting ready in a rush.”
Ryan raised his glass. “Spoken like a true firefighter.”
Everyone laughed, and the somber feeling from a minute ago lifted. Sometime after eight o’clock, the party broke up, and one at a time Ashley’s family took turns saying their good-byes to Landon and her. Cole had his things with him, and he was going home with Kari and Ryan and their kids tonight.
Ashley and Landon wanted a private good-bye with Cole, so the others waited in the entryway. All along Cole had been thrilled about the idea of spending a week with his aunt and uncle and cousins. But when the moment finally came to say good-bye, his eyes welled up. He hugged Landon first, tight around the neck, long enough that Ashley was pretty sure he was crying.
“Hey, buddy, come on,” Landon whispered against his face. “It’ll be okay. You’ll have so much fun with Aunt Kari and Uncle Ryan you won’t even miss us.”
Cole only nodded against Landon’s shoulder. “A week . . . is a long time.”
Landon looked at Ashley, his own eyes watery. He hugged Cole close again. “It’ll be a long time for us too. But we’ll call, all right?”
Cole nodded twice and pulled back. “Okay.” Then he turned to Ashley, and a fresh batch of tears brimmed. “Mommy . . . are you sure you wanna go?”
“Coley.” She held out her arms and he ran to her. The lump in her throat was too thick for her to say anything at first. Instead she held his little body against hers, memorizing the feel of him, six years old and not nearly her little baby anymore. How long would he still need her this way? How many short years before he would be blazing a trail into middle school and high school and off to college?
God, get me through this. Please. She closed her eyes and felt the Holy Spirit leading her away from thoughts of his high school graduation. Not when they still had half the summer ahead of him before he would enter first grade. She sniffed. Thank You, Lord. You’re here. I feel You here.
“It’s like Daddy said, honey.” She pulled back and searched his eyes, willing him to understand, to be brave the way he’d felt the day before. “You’ll have so much fun you won’t even miss us.”
Cole dragged his fists across his cheeks. “I know.” He took a few quick breaths. “Aunt Kari said we can make meat loaf one day.”
His words caught Ashley off guard and she laughed. Next to them, Landon laughed too. Though neither of her men could’ve known what had made her lose composure.
“Why are you laughing, Mommy?” Cole giggled too, the sadness lifting. “’Cause meat loaf is funny stuff?”
“No.” She held him close and allowed another round of laughter. “Because I had the picture of you making meat loaf standing on your hands.”
Cole tossed his head back this time, busting up and holding his stomach from laughing so hard. “You’re funny, Mommy.” His laughter faded to giggles. “I wouldn’t make meat loaf standing on my hands, silly.”
“Yes.” Landon rubbed small circles into the low part of her back. “Mommy’s very silly.” He grinned at her.
“Okay.” Ashley gave Cole a cheerful but pointed look. “You need to go, Coley. So say good-bye.” She thought of something else. “Hey, wait. What should we bring you from our trip? A captain’s hat or maybe a T-shirt?”
Cole thought for a minute and his eyes got shiny. “How about a baby?”
Ashley felt her mouth drop open. She looked at Landon. His smile took up his whole face. “Did you have something to do with this?” she whispered.
He shook his head, his face a mask of mock innocence. Then Ashley turned to Cole. “Honey, we can’t bring a baby home from our trip. What made you think that?”
“’Cause Daddy says babies take a long time, and then they come to live with you.” He shrugged. “And you guys are gonna be gone a long time, so I thought maybe you could bring me home a baby.” He thought for a second. “A baby brother.”
“Honey, it takes a lot longer than a week for a baby to come.”
Cole’s smile let up a little. “Oh.”
Landon stooped down to Cole’s level. “But, hey, buddy, we’ll keep that in mind, okay?” He gave Ashley a sly grin, one that Cole missed.
“Okay, Daddy.” Cole seemed better now, not thrilled with the fact that they were leaving but much more content than he’d been a few minutes earlier. “Bye. Have fun with Mommy.”
“I will.” Landon stood and waited next to Ashley.
This time Cole turned to her and jumped into her arms. He was heavier now, almost too heavy. In a year she wouldn’t be able to hold him this way. She rubbed noses with him. “You have a great time with Aunt Kari and Uncle Ryan, all right?”
“All right, Mommy. I love you.”
“I love you too.” She kissed him, fighting the lump in her throat. And with that she set him back down and watched him run into the next room. Ashley and Landon followed, and another quick round of good-byes took place before Kari and Ryan and the kids left.
Ashley and Landon were the last ones to go. Her father walked them to the door. “Your mother would be so happy you’re taking this trip.” He kissed Ashley on the cheek. “She never wanted her sickness to stop you from having a honeymoon.”
Ashley hugged her father. “I wish I could tell her about it.”
“I’m sure she knows.” Her dad smiled, but something in his eyes remained sad. He shook Landon’s hand and then pulled him in for a hug. “We’ll have another barbecue after you get back so we can hear all about it.”
&nb
sp; “Thanks.” Landon took a step toward the door. “And thanks for dinner. It was great as always.”
They were halfway home, the car quiet without Cole’s constant chatter, when Ashley turned to Landon. “So what should we really get Cole? He’d like a captain’s hat; don’t you think?”
“I sort of like his first idea.” Landon reached out and took her hand. “A baby brother.”
John Baxter watched Ashley and Landon pull away, and for a long while he stood in the doorway, absorbed by the quiet. This was the time when he and Elizabeth would take a walk or make their way out onto the front porch. They would share a cup of coffee and rehash the conversation from dinner.
Together they would sift through the details of their children’s lives, rejoicing over the positives and reflecting on the areas that needed more prayer. They would laugh at the funny things the grandchildren said and comment about how fast they were growing up. Elizabeth would remind him that all of life went far too fast, and John would agree. The evening would fade, the sun would set, and they’d have the night to share each other’s company.
But here, in the setting sun, he was alone. More alone than he’d felt in a long time. He wandered out onto the porch and took his seat in the rocker next to hers. He gave a light push with his heels and set the chair in motion. These were their golden years, weren’t they? The ones where they would watch their children raise families and have endless hours of laughter and conversation?
Elizabeth had been right about something she said in her final hours, the hours before cancer claimed her life. She had told him she wouldn’t really be gone, that he’d see her in Hayley’s determination and Ashley’s paintings and Cole’s laughter. It was true; he saw her in all of them.
But it didn’t ease the loneliness of a moment like this, a moment when the house still echoed with the sounds of conversation and laughter, a night when the quiet was deafening without her.
He leaned his head back and gazed at the darkening sky. If she were here, he’d tell her that the letters were causing a problem. He didn’t want to hide the whole box, but he wasn’t ready to go through them yet either. And though he’d hidden the letter she’d written to their firstborn son and the letter he’d written to her when Luke was born, certainly there were other letters in the box that would give away their secret.
A long sigh drifted over his lips.
It would be a year next Monday, a year since she’d left them. More and more he found himself reliving her final weeks, that crazy emotional roller coaster when the best and worst of times came together in a kaleidoscope of dark shadows and brilliant colors. Ashley and Landon’s wedding and the family reunion and Elizabeth’s death, all within days of each other.
The more he remembered, the more he wondered about her last prayer to find their firstborn son. How sad that God hadn’t granted her that last wish, even when she cared so much she’d convinced herself that in her final hours the boy had come. That he was tall, an actor named Dayne. Kind and forgiving with a face like Luke’s.
Hallucinations, for sure. But the memory of her certainty made him wonder.
Was that what Elizabeth would’ve wanted from him? That he do everything in his power to locate their grown son, the one they’d never known, the one Elizabeth had held for only a few minutes before giving him up?
He let the thought rest for a while in the comfortable places of his mind. The idea sounded good until he played it out. What would he tell the other kids? And how would they handle the news about their parents’ moral failure? No, the thought of finding their firstborn was too much, more than he could imagine. More than Elizabeth would’ve wanted them to know.
Once in a while since Elizabeth’s death, he’d thought about telling Pastor Mark Atteberry at church, asking him for advice about what he should do and whether there was another option for finding the young man.
But he would get cold feet before he picked up the phone. Having that child was something so far in the past it seemed like another lifetime ago. And since Elizabeth was gone, it wasn’t as important as it had been last year. Wherever he was, he would have his own life, his own family by now. He probably wouldn’t appreciate the disruption in his life any more than Kari and Brooke and Ashley and Erin and Luke would appreciate the disruption into theirs.
The sky was darker now, and John stopped rocking. With a heavy heart he stood and made his way slowly to the front door. When Elizabeth was alive he had felt young and vibrant, perfectly intent on living another thirty years by her side. But these days he felt slow, tired, as if half his heart had stopped beating right along with hers.
He searched the sky for a little longer, then went into the house and turned off the lights. With heavy feet he trudged up the stairs to his bedroom—their bedroom. As he was falling asleep in their bed, he ran through his earlier thoughts. He would have to sort out the letters sooner rather than later. Otherwise one of the girls might get to them first, and if there was a letter in that box he didn’t know about, something that might refer to their firstborn son, then what?
John felt sick at the thought.
The last thing he could imagine was his precious children feeling that he and Elizabeth had lied to them. Especially when the truth about their older brother was never, ever supposed to get out. No, he couldn’t let them know about the young man, not ever.
He’d have to take care of the letters tomorrow. Before anyone else got to them.
Sleep came slowly, the way it had for the past year. But when it caught him, it was with good thoughts, happy thoughts. Thoughts of a lifetime of love with the greatest woman he’d ever known.
Elizabeth Baxter.
It was the third day of their cruise, and Ashley couldn’t have been happier. She and Landon had known each other so long—years while they took turns fighting the way they felt. But when they finally found each other, when it was clear that God was going to give them a lifetime together, they’d made a promise to Him and to each other.
They would wait until they were married.
Ever since saying their vows, their love had been something beyond Ashley’s greatest imagination, beyond what she dared dream about married love. Their honeymoon was further proof—loving Landon was something that had started beautifully, something that would grow stronger with every passing year.
They ate well and danced every night, but they always turned in early. Their cabin had a private balcony. Sometimes they’d get up at two o’clock in the morning and sit outside in their terry-cloth bathrobes, admiring the silver moon on the water and the magic of love the way God—from the beginning of time—had designed it.
They slept in every morning and spent their days lounging in reclining chairs, facing the open sea. It was a magical experience, and Ashley could hardly believe it was half-over.
This afternoon she turned to Landon and pressed her finger against his tanned stomach. “You’re not burning, are you?”
“Not me.” He rolled onto his side so he could see her better. “How ’bout you? Need more sunscreen on your back?”
She smiled. “I’m okay.” For a while she looked at him, taking in the sight of him, storing away the memory for some far-off winter afternoon when she would find it again and re-create it on canvas. She drew a slow breath, squinting in the bright sun. “You know what I hope?”
“What?” He laced his fingertips with hers. “That we’re bringing Cole home a baby brother?”
Her smile reached to the center of her heart. “Okay, that too.” She waited a beat, and her tone grew more serious. “I hope God gives us windows in heaven.”
Landon thought about that for a little while. The ocean breeze brushed against their faces, bringing just enough coolness to keep the heat manageable. Finally he turned to her. “I like that.”
“Yeah.” She brought his fingers to her lips and kissed them. “I’m not getting as sad as I used to, because that’s what I believe.” She looked at the deep blue above them. “That way Mom can look down
at us anytime she wants.” Another smile tugged at her lips. “Isn’t that a nice thought?”
“It is.”
“With a window in heaven, she could celebrate our good times with us and pray for us when things are tough.”
“Hmmm.” Landon bit his lip. “Sounds like the sort of thing God would give His people.”
“I think so.” She pressed the backs of her fingers against his ribs. “Hey, you’re burning up, Landon Blake.”
He let his eyes take in the length of her. “You too, Mrs. Blake.”
“Let’s swim.”
“Another good idea.” Landon’s eyes sparkled even in the heat of midday. “But I like your other one better.”
She gave him a happy sort of frown. “The one about windows in heaven?”
“No, that one was good, but I was thinking of the first one.”
“The first one?”
“Yeah, you know, Ash . . . the one about bringing a baby brother home for Cole.”
Four weeks had passed since Katy left town, and Dayne could hardly believe how dramatically life had changed. Kelly Parker was given the part in Dream On, something that lifted her spirits and made her treatment from the overdose that much easier.
He, of course, was the other part of her recovery.
The two of them were together now. She’d moved in with him a few days after accepting the part, at first under the guise of friendship and recovery and her desire to not be alone in her house. But after a couple weeks, it went in the inevitable direction, the way both of them had known it would go. She wound up in his bed one night and never left.
Now they were in preproduction meetings almost every day, and Dayne was busier than he’d been in months. Only once in a while did he have time to wonder why he didn’t feel happier.
It was ten o’clock at night, and Kelly was asleep inside. Summer was coming to an end; he could feel as much in the air. He stood on his deck, leaning on the railing and staring at the moon’s reflection on the water. Everything should’ve been fantastic.
He was about to make a hit comedy movie with one of the brightest talents in Hollywood, and more than that, she was his current lover. If anyone asked her, she would’ve said they were serious. Very serious.