The articles were heavy with meaning and memories, and since Carly's death, Alex had added nothing to the safe, except for the letters that Carly had written. One had been addressed to him. The second had no name on it, however, and it remained unopened. He couldn't open it--a promise, after all, was a promise.
He pulled out the letter he'd read a hundred times, leaving the other in the safe. He'd known nothing about the letters until she'd handed the envelopes to him less than a week before she died. By that point, she was bedridden and could only sip liquids. When he carried her to the bathroom, she was light, as if somehow she'd been hollowed out. He spent her few waking hours sitting quietly beside her. Usually, she would fall asleep again within minutes, and Alex would stare at her, afraid to leave in case she needed him and afraid to stay in case he might rob her of rest. On the day she gave him the envelopes, he saw that they had been tucked into the blankets, appearing as if by magic. Only later would he learn that she'd written them two months earlier and her mom had been holding them.
Now, Alex opened the envelope and pulled out the much-handled letter. It was written on yellow legal paper. Bringing it to his nose, he was still able to discern the scent of the lotion she often wore. He remembered his surprise and the way her eyes pleaded with him for understanding.
"You want me to read this one first?" he remembered asking. He pointed to the one inscribed with his name and she nodded slightly. She relaxed as he pulled the letter out, her head sinking into the pillow.
My dearest Alex,
There are dreams that visit us and leave us fulfilled upon waking, there are dreams that make life worth living. You, my sweet husband, are that dream, and it saddens me to have to put into words the way I feel about you.
I'm writing this letter now, while I still can, and yet I'm not sure how to capture what I want to say. I'm not a writer, and words seem so inadequate right now. How can I describe how much I love you? Is it even possible to describe a love like that? I don't know, but as I sit here with pen in hand, I know that I have to try.
I know you like to tell the story of how I played hard to get, but when I think back on the night we first met, I think I realized even then that we were meant to be together. I remember that night clearly, just as I can recall the exact sensation of your hand in mine, and every detail of the cloudy afternoon at the beach when you dropped to one knee and asked me to become your wife. Until you came along, I never knew how much I'd been missing. I never knew that a touch could be so meaningful or an expression so eloquent; I never knew that a kiss could literally take my breath away. You are, and always have been, everything I've always wanted in a husband. You're kind and strong and caring and smart; you lift my spirits and you're a better father than you know. You have a knack with children, a way of making them trust you, and I can't express the joy it has brought me to see you holding them as they fall asleep on your shoulder.
My life is infinitely better for having you in it. And that's what makes all of this so hard; it's why I can't seem to find the words I need. It scares me to know that all of this will be ending soon. I'm not simply scared for me, though--I'm scared for you and our children, too. It breaks my heart to know that I'm going to cause you all such grief, but I don't know what I can do, other than to remind you of the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place and express my sorrow at hurting you and our beautiful children. It pains me to think that your love for me will also be the source of so much anguish.
But I truly believe that while love can hurt, love can also heal... and that's why I'm enclosing another letter.
Please don't read it. It's not meant for you, or our families, or even our friends. I highly doubt that either of us has met the woman to whom you will give this letter. You see, this one is meant for the woman who eventually heals you, the one who makes you whole again.
Right now, I know you can't imagine something like that. It might take months, it might take years, but someday, you'll give that letter to another woman. Trust your instincts, just as I did on the night you first walked up to me. You'll know when and where to do that, just as you'll know which woman deserves it. And when you do, trust me when I say that somewhere, somehow, I'll be smiling down on both of you.
Love,
Carly
After reading the letter again, Alex slipped it back into the envelope and returned it to the safe. Beyond the window, the sky was filled with moonlit clouds and it glowed with an eerie incandescence. He stared upward, thinking of Carly and of Katie. Carly had told him to trust his instincts; Carly had told him that he would know what to do with the letter.
And Carly, he suddenly realized, had been exactly right, about half of it, anyway. He knew he wanted to give the letter to Katie. He just wasn't sure whether she was ready to receive it.
28
Hey, Kevin." Bill gestured to him. "Can you come into my office for a minute?"
Kevin had almost reached his desk, and Coffey and Ramirez followed him with their eyes. His new partner, Todd, was already at his desk and offered a weak smile, but it faded quickly before Todd suddenly turned away.
His head was throbbing and he didn't want to talk to Bill first thing in the morning but Kevin wasn't worried. He was good with witnesses and victims and knew when criminals were lying and he made lots of arrests and the criminals were convicted.
Bill motioned for him to sit in the chair and though Kevin didn't want to sit, he took a seat and wondered why Bill wanted him to sit because usually he stood when the two of them were talking. The pain in his temple felt as if he were being stabbed with a pencil, and for a moment Bill simply stared. Bill finally got up and closed the door before propping himself on the edge of his desk.
"How are you doing, Kevin?"
"I'm fine," Kevin answered. He wanted to close his eyes to lessen the pain, but he could tell that Bill was studying him. "What's up?"
Bill crossed his arms. "I called you in here to let you know that we received a complaint about you."
"What kind of complaint?"
"This is serious, Kevin. Internal Affairs is involved, and as of now, you're being suspended pending an investigation."
The words sounded jumbled, making no sense at all, not at first, anyway, but as he concentrated, he could see Bill's expression and wished he hadn't woken with a headache and didn't need so much vodka.
"What are you talking about?"
Bill lifted a few pages from his desk. "The Gates murder," he said. "The little boy who was shot through the floor? Earlier this month?"
"I remember," Kevin said. "He had pizza sauce on his forehead."
"Excuse me?"
Kevin blinked. "The boy. That's how we found him. It was horrible. Todd was pretty shaken up."
Bill furrowed his brow. "An ambulance was called," he said.
Kevin breathed in and out. Concentrating.
"It came for the mom," Kevin said. "She was upset, obviously, and she went after the Greek who'd fired the bullet. They struggled and she fell down the stairs. We called it in immediately... as far as I know, she was taken to the hospital."
Bill continued to stare at him before finally setting the pages aside. "You talked to her beforehand, right?"
"I tried to... but she was pretty hysterical. I tried to calm her down, but she went crazy. What else is there to tell? It's all in the report."
Bill reached for the papers on his desk again. "I saw what you wrote. But the woman is claiming that you told her to push the perp down the stairs."
"What?"
Bill read from the pages. "She claims you were talking about God and told her, quote, 'The man was a sinner and deserved to be punished because the Bible says Thou shalt not kill.' She says that you also told her that the guy was probably going to get probation, even though he killed her kid, so she should take matters into her own hands. Because wrongdoers deserve to be punished. Does any of this ring a bell?"
Kevin could feel the blood in his cheeks. "That's ridiculous," he sai
d. "You know she's lying, right?"
He expected Bill to immediately agree with him, to say that he knew Internal Affairs would clear him. But Bill didn't. Instead, his boss leaned forward.
"What exactly did you tell her? Word for word."
"I didn't tell her anything. I asked her what happened and she told me and I saw the hole in the ceiling and went upstairs and I arrested the neighbor after he admitted to firing the gun. I cuffed him and started bringing him down the stairs; the next thing I know, she went after him."
Bill was silent, his gaze locked on Kevin. "You never talked to her about sin?"
"No."
He held up the paper he had been reading from. "You never said the words Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."
"No."
"None of this sounds familiar at all?"
Kevin felt the anger rising but forced it back down. "Nothing. It's a lie. You know how people are. She probably wants to sue the city so she can get a big payday."
Bill's jaw muscle was flexing and it took a long time before he spoke.
"Had you been drinking before you talked to the woman?"
"I don't know where this is coming from. No. I don't do that. I wouldn't do that. You know my clear rate. I'm a good detective." Kevin held out his hands, almost blind from the throbbing pain in his head. "C'mon, Bill. We've worked together for years."
"That's why I'm talking to you instead of firing you. Because in the past few months, you haven't been yourself. And I've been hearing rumors."
"What rumors?"
"That you're drunk when you come into work."
"It's not true."
"So if I gave you a Breathalyzer, you'd blow a zero, right?"
Kevin could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He knew how to lie and he was good at it but he had to keep his voice steady. "Last night, I was up late with a buddy and we were drinking. There might still be some alcohol in my system, but I'm not drunk and I didn't drink before coming into work this morning. Or that day, either. Or any day, for that matter."
Bill stared at him. "Tell me what's going on with Erin," he said.
"I've already told you. She's helping a friend in Manchester. We went to the Cape just a few weeks ago."
"You told Coffey that you went to a restaurant in Provincetown with Erin, but the restaurant closed six months ago and there was no record of you checking into the bed-and-breakfast you mentioned. And no one has seen or heard from Erin in months."
Kevin felt his head filling with blood, making the pounding worse. "You checked up on me?"
"You've been drinking on the job and you've been lying to me."
"I haven't--"
"Stop lying to me!" the captain suddenly shouted. "I can smell your breath from here!" His eyes flared anger. "And as of now, you're suspended from duty. You should call your union rep before you meet with Internal Affairs. Leave your gun and your badge on my desk and go home."
"How long?" Kevin managed to croak out.
"Right now, suspension is the least of your worries."
"Just so you know, I didn't say anything to that woman."
"They heard you!" Bill shouted. "Your partner, the medical examiner, the crime scene investigators, the boyfriend." He paused, visibly trying to regain his calm. "Everyone heard you," he said with finality, and all at once, Kevin felt as though he'd lost control of everything and he knew it was all Erin's fault.
29
August rolled in, and although Alex and Katie were enjoying the hot, slow summer days they spent together, the kids were beginning to get bored. Wanting to do something unusual, Alex took Katie and the kids to see the rodeo monkeys in Wilmington. Much to Katie's disbelief, it turned out to be exactly what it sounded like: monkeys, dressed in cowboy outfits, rode dogs and herded rams for almost an hour before a show of fireworks that rivaled the Fourth of July. On their way out, Katie turned toward him with a smile.
"That has to be the craziest thing I've ever seen," she said, shaking her head.
"And you probably thought we lacked culture in the South."
She laughed. "Where do people come up with these ideas?"
"I have no idea. But it's a good thing I heard about it. They're in town for only a couple of days." He scanned the parking lot for his car.
"Yes, it's hard to imagine how unfulfilling my life would have been had I never seen monkeys riding dogs."
"The kids liked it!" Alex protested.
"The kids loved it," Katie agreed. "But I can't figure out whether the monkeys liked it. They didn't look all that happy to me."
Alex squinted at her. "I'm not sure I'd be able to tell whether a monkey was happy or not."
"My point exactly," she said.
"Hey, it's not my fault that there's still another month until school, and I'm just about out of new things for the kids to do."
"They don't need to do something special every day."
"I know. And they don't. But I don't want them watching television all the time, either."
"Your kids don't watch a lot of television."
"That's because I take them to see the rodeo monkeys."
"And next week?"
"That's easy. The carnival will be in town. One of those traveling things."
She smiled. "Those kinds of rides always made me sick to my stomach."
"And the kids love them, anyway. But that reminds me. Are you working next Saturday?"
"I'm not sure. Why?"
"Because I was hoping you'd come to the carnival with us."
"You want me to be sick to my stomach?"
"You don't have to go on the rides if you don't want to. But I would like to ask a favor."
"What's that?"
"I was hoping you'd watch the kids later that evening. Joyce's daughter is flying into Raleigh, and Joyce asked if I could drive her to the airport to pick her up. Joyce doesn't like to drive at night."
"I'd be glad to watch them."
"It'll have to be at my place, so they go to bed at a reasonable hour."
She looked at him. "Your place? I never get to spend time at your house."
"Yeah, well..."
He didn't seem to know what to say next and she smiled. "No problem," she said. "That sounds like fun. Maybe we'll watch a movie together and have some popcorn."
Alex walked in silence for a few steps before he asked, "Do you ever want to have kids?"
Katie hesitated. "I'm not sure," she finally said. "I haven't really thought about it."
"Ever?"
She shook her head. "In Atlantic City I was too young, with Kevin I couldn't bear the idea, and I've had my mind on other things the last few months."
"But if you did think about it?" he persisted.
"I still don't know. I guess it would depend on a lot of things."
"Like what?"
"Like whether I was married, for starters. And, as you know, I can't get married."
"Erin can't get married," he said. "But Katie probably could. She has a driver's license, remember."
Katie took a few steps in silence. "She might be able to, but she wouldn't do it unless she met the right guy."
He laughed and slipped his arm around her. "I know that working at Ivan's was just what you needed at the time you took the job, but did you ever think about doing something else?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Going back to college, getting a degree, finding a job that you really love."
"What makes you think I don't love waiting tables?"
"Nothing." He shrugged. "I was just curious as to what you might be interested in."
She thought about it. "Growing up, like every other girl I knew, I loved animals and I thought I'd be a veterinarian. But there's no way I'd be willing to go back to school for that now. It would take too long."
"There are other ways to work with animals. You could train rodeo monkeys, for instance."
"I don't think so. I still haven't decided whether the monkeys liked it."
>
"You've got a soft spot for those monkeys, don't you?"
"Who wouldn't? I mean, who on earth came up with that idea in the first place?"
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I heard you laughing."
"I didn't want to make the rest of you feel bad."
He laughed again, pulling her even closer. Ahead of them, Josh and Kristen were already slumped against the jeep. She knew they would probably fall asleep before they got back to Southport.
"You never answered my question," Alex said. "About what you want to do with your life."
"Maybe my dreams aren't that complicated. Maybe I think that a job is just a job."
"What does that mean?"
"Maybe I don't want to be defined by what I do. Maybe I'd like to be defined by what I am."
He considered the response. "Okay," he said. "Then who do you want to be?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"I wouldn't have asked you otherwise."
She stopped and met his gaze. "I'd like to be a wife and mother," she finally said.
He frowned. "But I thought you said that you weren't sure whether you wanted to have children."
She cocked her head, looking as beautiful as he'd ever seen. "What does that have to do with anything?"
The kids fell asleep before they reached the highway. It wasn't a long trip back, maybe half an hour, but neither Alex nor Katie wanted to risk waking the kids with their conversation. Instead, they were content to hold hands in silence as they made the drive back to Southport.
As Alex pulled to a stop in front of her house, Katie spotted Jo sitting on the steps of her porch, as if waiting for her. In the darkness, she wasn't sure whether Alex recognized her, but at that moment Kristen stirred and he turned around in his seat to make sure she hadn't woken up. Katie leaned over and kissed him.
"I should probably talk to her," Katie whispered.
"Who? Kristen?"
"My neighbor." Katie smiled, gesturing over her shoulder. "Or rather, she probably wants to talk to me."