Unable to sleep, Deidre paced, trying hard to shake the sensations clouding her head. Her body was on fire, her hands shaking, her thoughts so scattered, she wasn’t able to think. All it took was a kiss from Gabriel, and the words that thrilled her.
I’ll touch and kiss you whenever I feel like it.
She sighed dreamily then shook her head. She was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. She didn’t understand how humans could feel so much and still function when she was overwhelmed. She wasn’t going to fall under the spell of Gabriel’s strong body, his passion, his taste. Her first kiss as a human obliterated any resistance she had to him. He tasted as good as he smelled. Those huge hands had started to explore her body in a way that left her feeling feminine, delicate, and willing to let him take control in a way she never permitted him before.
With a frustrated growl, she threw herself into bed. It was bedtime on her side of the world, but dawn was breaking the sky outside her windows. Her eyes went to the green glow of souls again. The sight dulled her desire. She walked to the French doors.
There had to be millions of lost souls to create that vibrant of a glow. She’d broken the rules from the time-before-time for a chance with Gabriel. What else had she broken to cause Gabriel so much hardship? Lost souls, shut out of the underworld, was the greatest nightmare for Death. The innocent were vulnerable to creatures like Darkyn.
Deidre struggled to remember if this had ever happened before and if so, how it was fixed. Her memory was stunted by whatever Darkyn did to her. Without them, she’d never know for sure. How did Gabriel get souls back to the underworld if he wasn’t allowed there?
In the meantime, the lost souls were stuck in a lake in the mortal world. She’d taken her duty seriously, even if it caused everyone around her to hate her. But she protected her souls. They never once suffered because of what choices she made.
Until now. The underworld was cracked when she left; that much she remembered. It was the sign it was time to resign, for her power was nearly gone. Gabriel was the only person she trusted to take over.
Deidre watched the sunrise, awed by the colors that filled the sky. The verdant pines outside the fortress wall were beautiful, and she watched their long pine needles stir in an early morning breeze. When the sun was up, she retreated from the French doors, troubled by the lost souls and what she did to make Gabriel’s life worse, when she’d hoped to make it better.
A knock at her door drew her attention from her thoughts. She waited. If it was Gabriel, he’d made it clear he’d walk in. When no one did, she crossed to the door and opened it, startled by who stood before.
“Andre!” she exclaimed.
The Immortal offered a polite smile. Deidre recalled dealing with him many times before without remembering exactly what they’d discussed. The only calm, civilized Immortal on the Council That Was Seven, she had sought him out rather than try to reason with the irrational leaders of the Council.
“I brought you breakfast,” he said. His French accent rolled off his deep voice in a way that made her smile.
She realized he was holding a tray of food. Deidre opened her door to him and closed it behind him.
“Gabriel raised you?” she asked curiously.
“He did a few days ago.”
“My Gabriel. Breaking all the rules.” She was proud of him. He used to frown at her when she acted outside the Immortal Laws, unable to appreciate that a deity charged with managing a domain often had to take steps outside the rules to protect one’s underworld.
He had no idea how many rules she broke in her time as Death. That he understood now how he needed to break rules from time-to-time to preserve his domain was gratifying after years of him judging her for it.
“Becoming a deity makes one different, I am certain,” Andre said. He set down the tray on the small table near the blazing hearth and sat. “Come. Sit with me.” He poured them both tea.
Until that moment, she thought him there to visit. Deidre crossed her arms as she went to the other chair before the hearth. The air around her felt heavier as she sat. She shook her head, her body relaxing involuntarily. In the distance, an alarm sounded.
Andre was a mind reader.
The warning instinct faded, leaving her pleased to see him again. Deidre accepted her tea.
“He’s learning what it means to be a deity,” she said. “Why did he bring you back?”
“To help him track demons.”
“Ah, of course.” She reached forward for a croissant and bit into it, almost groaning at the buttery, flaky, airy bread. “This is heavenly!” she exclaimed when she’d swallowed her first bite. “I can’t get over how incredible the human world is. The colors, the food. Why did no one tell me there was so much pleasure?”
“Deities view the world differently?”
“Very,” she said emphatically. “It’s … grey. The colors are faded, the flavors nonexistent. When you touch someone, you feel nothing, not the warmth of their skin or the smoothness.” She dwelled on Gabriel’s touch, lost momentarily.
“You are happy now?” Andre asked. He sipped his tea.
“This, too, is different. I feel Andre. Emotions. Real ones. As a deity, it was not so. The only emotions I felt had to be so intense and when they were, they still felt nothing like those I know now,” she explained. “I loved Gabriel, but I know now that love was nothing compared to what I feel now.”
She heard herself talking. A lot. She didn’t usually talk this much, but something about Andre put her at ease. The alarm sounded in the back of her mind.
Mind reader.
The air grew heavier in response, and it faded once more. She wolfed down the rest of the croissant.
“Before we chat, he asked me to verify your tumor is gone. May I do so quickly?” Andre asked.
“Yes.”
“Be still. It’ll take a few seconds only.” Andre leaned forward and rested the fingertips of one hand on her temple.
She closed her eyes at the cool touch. A ripple of cold energy floated through her head and made her shiver. Even this sensation she loved. True to his word, he removed his fingers and leaned back. Deidre opened her eyes.
“Not there, right?” she asked.
“No, it’s not,” he agreed. He didn’t smile this time but sipped his tea, eyes on her. “Are you feeling well?”
“Very.” She ate another croissant. “Except I can’t remember anything beyond my twenty-six years.”
“I may be able to help you with that,” he offered. “You do seem very …different from the other night when we talked.”
Deidre struggled to recall what happened, when human-Deidre had last seen Andre. Vaguely, she recalled human-Deidre sat with Andre in the penthouse. She recalled no emotions, though, to indicate if that exchange was good or bad. She doubted it was bad. Andre was an Immortal, a friend of Gabriel.
“Yes. That night I went to Darkyn for him to remove my tumor,” she said.
Andre was listening patiently, relaxed and interested.
Deidre shook her head. The air grew heavier. She wasn’t certain what was wrong with her, but she didn’t want to lie to Andre. She needed to tell him the truth. The urge was beyond her control.
“I mean … she went to Darkyn,” she said. “I was in her head. I guess we went to Darkyn.”
“She?”
“The human I created twenty six years ago. I made her to carry me and to bring us together. Except …” Deidre strained. She didn’t want to tell him. But she did. “Darkyn was supposed to find us sooner. I made him a private deal. I made Zamon, his predecessor, a private deal first … I …” Her head hurt from struggling.
“Relax. Have more tea,” Andre said and poured her more.
She took it, grateful for the warmth and sweetness.
“You made a deal with the past-Dark One,” Andre prompted after a moment. “I need you to concentrate hard. I can see your memories are there, and I can see that they have been bound beyond your normal reach. I’ll h
elp you access them, but we must both focus.”
Deidre nodded. She drew a deep breath and thought hard. It was strange to struggle against her own mind. She felt Andre in her head with her, and together, they pushed away the dark wall that stood between her and her memories.
“A private deal,” she said. “Everyone knew Darkyn was beyond a threat. His predecessor, Zamon, knew he was about to be defeated. With the power of Hell behind him, Darkyn could raise an Army of Souls to wipe out the mortal realm. Zamon and a few others sought me out, offered me a private deal, one that would give me what I wanted and possibly stymie Darkyn.”
“What was it you wanted?”
“Gabriel. I, uh, couldn’t have him when I was Death,” she murmured. “I waited tens of thousands of years for one of us to have the mating tattoo appear. It never did. Fucking Fate told me it was because I was destined for someone else. When Zamon came to me, I jumped at the opportunity.”
Andre was quiet. Deidre sipped her tea, her head aching. She pushed at the black wall again, wanting to remember.
“Private deals are dangerous,” she added. “I’m lucky Zamon and Darkyn both followed through.”
“What did Zamon offer you?”
“A way to make Gabriel my mate and a way to prevent Darkyn from destroying everything. At least, that’s what we hoped happened. I’m still not certain it’ll work, but that chain of events is in motion.”
“How?” Andre asked, gaze sharpening.
“I made a human into a deity’s mate,” she paused, thinking hard. “I created one by implanting part of my soul into hers. She was supposed to attract Gabriel, until I was brought back, and then she was to be turned over to Darkyn as his mate. This was Zamon’s plan, to offer Darkyn something capable of distracting him, of shifting his focus. He’s unstoppable otherwise,” she explained. “We had to get Darkyn to take the bait. The deal couldn’t come from Zamon. I made the agreement with Zamon and then dangled the carrot in front of Darkyn.”
“The carrot being the human you created,” Andre murmured. “Why would something as cruel as Darkyn want a mate?”
“Because it’s the one thing he couldn’t ever have,” she said. “The Dark One is the only deity without a predestined mate. Darkyn is ambitious. He wanted to be a deity, and he wanted what he couldn’t have. When I was reincarnated, the human I created became the only deity’s mate without a deity.” She shrugged. “Zamon didn’t say why he thought this would work, and I didn’t ask. When the Dark One seeks you out for a deal, you’d be a fool to say no. He knew what I wanted. I understood why he needed to defang Darkyn. It was a simple deal.”
“The other Deidre is Darkyn’s mate.”
“Yes. She went to him for him to save her life. He removed me, raised me, and accepted his mate as payment,” she replied. “My deal with Zamon is complete. My deal with Darkyn is complete, and I get Gabriel.”
“Darkyn isn’t just going to kill her?”
“It was a risk.” She struggled to remember. “If he doesn’t kill her, she might be what prevents him from building his Army of Souls. The deities plotting against him – and me, the sons of bitches – will salvage the mortal realm. If he does, I guess they’ve got to create a new plan.”
“So you left Deidre in Hell at the mercy of the Dark One.”
She looked up from her tea at the note in his voice. She wasn’t able to muster any concern, not with the heaviness of the air around her. Andre didn’t appear to be judging her.
“Yes,” she said simply. “I didn’t think I’d meet her before I left Hell.”
“She knew at that point.”
“She did. We made a deal …” Deidre drifted off. This memory was recent and came easily. “I was angry and upset. I shouldn’t have agreed. I have to win over Gabriel in a week. I think she thought that if I failed, she’d get him back. She doesn’t understand how unlikely that is. Darkyn doesn’t lose deals. Or battles. He won’t lose his mate, even if he chooses to kill her rather than give her up. He went after Sasha when Sasha hurt his daughter and didn’t stop raiding the Immortals until Sasha was dead. Darkyn doesn’t lose.”
Andre’s hand was over his mouth. He studied her.
“I, um, didn’t realize how intense the human world is,” she continued, troubled. Her hand went to her neck, and her thoughts grew disturbed. “I can’t help thinking I hope he doesn’t hurt her. But I mean, of course he will. It’s what Darkyn does. It makes me feel…”
“Remorse?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Zamon manipulated you and Darkyn.”
“Maybe.” She frowned then nodded. “I got what I wanted. The only thing I didn’t count on was Darkyn giving me the choice of my power or Gabriel when I left Hell. I chose Gabriel.”
“The world of deities is messy,” Andre said. “It is a shame to involve the innocent in such dealings.”
“It is. But sometimes, it’s necessary,” she replied. “What is one life in exchange for saving the mortal realm? Zamon phrased it thusly.”
“On the surface, it’s a fair argument. It grows harder when you meet that one life, doesn’t it?”
She nodded, gaze going to her tea. “Gabriel loved her.”
“Gabriel has loved you since the beginning,” Andre said. “She was much like you, though neither of you were able to gain his trust, for reasons I believe are understandable.”
She flushed at his gentle chiding.
“He doesn’t know all this, does he?” Andre asked.
“No,” she answered. “Probably won’t help him trust me if he did.”
“Trust is earned. It takes more than a week,” he said with some amusement. “Lying to him about what happened in Hell is going to break bad for you, Deidre.”
“I … can’t tell him, Andre,” she said. “He’d never forgive me.”
“A secret this size – where the Dark One takes a mate – is not going to stay secret long.”
She searched his face. “You won’t tell him.”
“I am a man of discretion.”
“I risked everything to get to this point. I even gave up my power, my domain, everything. But I won’t risk losing him,” she said. “Can you not see that?”
“I can,” he agreed. “But can he?”
Deidre was silent. She tried to deny it, but she knew Gabriel too well. He was honorable and good. He wasn’t going to understand what she’d done. She won a bet but backed herself into a corner.
Wynn was right. She’d have to throw herself at Gabriel’s mercy.
“No,” she said out loud. “I can make this work. I’m a former deity. I ruled Death’s domain for countless millennia. I can make it as a human. I can win him over.”
“It is your choice, of course. If any part of you believes he loved the human you created, you will realize you must tell him what happened to her. If there is any way to save her, he will find it,” Andre said.
“There’s not. This is Darkyn. She was damned the moment she stepped into Hell,” Deidre said firmly. “By now, he’s found a way to keep her there, even if she wins our deal. Or he’s killed her. Darkyn does not hesitate.”
Andre said nothing.
Deidre avoided his gaze. The oppressiveness of the air around her faded, leaving her confused as to what they’d been talking about. Until she remembered his other gift: mind manipulation. Andre pulled the truth out of her in a way that reinforced how weak she’d become.
What did she tell him? Deidre drank the rest of her tea but had lost her appetite. She knew Andre to be discreet, but could even he withhold these secrets from Gabriel, the deity who raised him from the dead-dead?
Remorse. Heavy in her mind was the thought that there might’ve been something Gabriel could’ve done to save the other Deidre. What if there was? What if her assumption about Darkyn was wrong?
What if it was her fault the human Gabriel loved died?
“I need some fresh air,” she mumbled. “My head is killing me.”
“I can walk you outside, if you’d like.”
She nodded and rose. Andre waited as she put on shoes. He led her through the stronghold and into the courtyard and garden area between the walls and the fortress. Deidre’s eyes were caught by the gardens but drifted to the pine trees beyond the walls.
“I believe Cora is staying with you,” Andre said.
Deidre glanced over her shoulder, not really caring at that moment, not when she felt like her world was squeezing the life out of her. She headed for the door in the wall that led from the gardens to the exterior of the compound.
She was able to breathe easier when she stood outside the massive fortress that sat on a clearing the size of two football fields. Deidre gazed at the strange human forest, whose trees weren’t alive like those of her underworld. These didn’t move out of her way when she started into them. She stopped and gazed around, spotting a small dirt trail a few feet away.
Deidre started down the trail, holding out her hands to the pine trees. The needles were long and soft, their vibrant green coloring leaving her breathless. The forest air was cool and damp. It smelled of earth and sunshine. She walked slowly, taking in everything from the patches of blue sky visible through the trees to the spring flowers sprinkling the forest floor.
She traded everything for this moment, and Gabriel wasn’t beside her.
Were Wynn and Andre both right about telling him?
Did it matter, if doing as they said cost her Gabriel?
Deidre walked deeper into the forest, wrestling with herself mentally. After half an hour, she grew tired of the internal argument. She wasn’t able to win either way. She loved human emotion, but she hated the doubt and insecurity she felt.
“Gabriel.” She didn’t know why she summoned him, except that right now, she wanted to see him, to reassure herself.
Chapter Five