“I’m not a fire-breathing dragon, Ava.”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m a… a bomb waiting to go off. The countdown is always on, and nobody can stop it. How does that help anyone? Where’s the good in that?”
“Well, if that bomb could destroy the very first vampire before he takes over and kills everyone, and oh, yeah, stops him from making more of those beasts, then voilà. The good in the bad.”
“But what about afterward?” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “What if the bomb keeps going off, and I can’t stop it?”
“What if you can?” I leaned closer to her. “Okay, Jess. Look at me. I drink blood. I mean, not regularly, but I want to drink blood. Something inside me craves blood. It’s part of who I am. It makes me feel strong and tough and amazing. It makes me feel alive. It’s like a drug. Growing up, I had never even heard of tainted nephilim. I had no idea who I was, and that craving for blood almost consumed me. When I was your age, I had a boyfriend. I loved him. I still care about him. I was a little older than you are now when we decided to sleep together for the first time. I had been hiding from my true self for so long that, faced with something new, I lost control and bit him. Then, I ran away.”
“Did he die?”
I shook my head. It was so hard to talk about Wesley sometimes. “Recently, I found out that I actually healed him, too. He didn’t have a clue what had happened between us. The point is, I panicked and ran for nothing, all because I was afraid of myself. And later… not so long ago, actually, I had to face up to this addiction. It was always there, and I learned to manage it. It wasn’t bigger than me once I faced it, but when I hid from it, it grew into this monster I couldn’t control. Do you understand?”
“You want me to face it? You want me to lose my temper?”
“How else are you going to get used to it? It’s easier to control something when you know the steps. When you aren’t used to how it feels, you panic, and it spins out of control. I promise I won’t let you hurt anyone, but I don’t think you will. In fact, I’m certain of it. I get a feel for people, Jess, and it’s not anger I feel in you. It’s fear. It’s a lot easier to run from your fears. Your dad’s been doing that your entire life.”
“I’m scared.”
“I was, too. And I made mistakes, but I have a functioning life now and friends that I’m no longer terrified I might freak out and bite. I’m not saying I’m perfect or that I have it all figured out, but I’ve realised that the things I can do exist for a reason, and just because somebody told me they were bad doesn’t mean I can’t use them. Losing your temper might be the one thing that saves your life someday. Don’t be afraid to use it when the time comes.”
She chewed on her thumbnail and drew one knee up to her chest. “I’ve almost lost fights because I’ve been so scared to lose my temper that I hesitate too long. Or hold back too much.”
“So you need to learn balance. That’s not as hard as it sounds. Me and you, Jess. We’ll figure it out together. But maybe don’t tell your dad. Just in case.”
She giggled. “Definitely not.”
I rose to my feet and held out my hand. “Come on. It’s time for us to see what you can do.”
After a moment’s pause, she grabbed my hand. “I’m ready.”
We ran through the moves her father had taught her first. They were fine, but she didn’t have much idea of how to fight dirty.
I danced around her, panting. “I mean, if you can make them stamp on Legos in their bare feet, then you do it. You use everything around you. Even if it seems lame. Even if it seems cowardly. Everything can help you. Everything is a weapon.”
“What are Legos?”
“Holy crap, you’ve had no childhood. Now, attack me!”
“I was kidding!” She stepped forward and kicked at me.
I blocked it easily. “You’re letting me see your moves before you make them. Stop making it so easy for me.”
She brushed some hair out of her face. “I’m trying!”
“Are you?”
“Ava, I said I’m trying, okay?”
I ran at her. She swung a fist, but I ducked out of the way by skidding onto my knees. Without hesitation, I grabbed her ankles, and threw her onto her arse.
I leapt out of the way. “Try harder.”
Her face turned red. As she got to her feet, I ran behind her and kicked her backside, sending her onto her hands and knees.
“Ava!”
I checked her eyes. Still green. I needed to be way more annoying. I should have woken up Peter. He was far better at being irritating.
She ran at me, head down. I shifted out of the way, sticking out my foot to trip her. She stumbled and yelled with rage. I burst out laughing. She turned to look at me, and I saw red flecks in her eyes.
“Come on, Jessie,” I whispered. “Come get me. If you can.”
The challenge sent her running at me. She threw a punch. I ducked and got kicked instead. Nice. She had a lot of force behind those twig legs. I threw myself on my back and kicked out with both feet, connecting with her stomach and at the same time realising how freaking much I was enjoying myself.
She let out an oomph and fell onto her back. She lay so still that I got up and knelt next to her. Her face was pale. She was obviously winded, but her eyes had turned bright red.
“You okay?” I asked hesitantly.
She boxed me in the cheek. I backed away from her flailing fists. She came after me, wearing a determined expression, as if I were the only person on earth, and I needed to be eliminated.
“I thought you were going to get me,” I taunted, whipping out a hand to slap her face.
Growling, she picked up a plastic garden chair and threw it at me. I moved out of the way, and the chair slammed into the wall.
I made a sad face. “Poor chair.”
She screamed and rushed me. I held my ground, ready to see what she was made of. She tackled me, lifting me in the process, and ran a couple of yards before dumping me onto the grass.
I rolled over, laughing. She grabbed my hair and dragged me across the ground. I kicked her, but she acted as though she didn’t even feel it. She climbed on top of me and pinned me down. She reared back, obviously intending to head-butt me, so I got in there first, moving my head forward so she would connect with hard bone instead of my nose.
She howled with frustration as I pushed against her. I freed one arm and pinched her until she let go. I twisted to the side and elbowed her in the face. Before she could react, I tackled her and rolled her over so that I was on top.
I pinned her wrists together and wrapped my hand around her neck. “You’re dead,” I said past my fangs. “You didn’t control your actions, and you lost the fight. Strength isn’t everything, Jess. You need to be smart. You need to know your moves and to have ones you make on instinct. You need to be aware of everything your opponent is going to do, and if you can, beat them to it.”
The red faded from her eyes, and she stopped struggling. “I’m no good at anything!” Her lower lip poked out, making her look like a pouty little kid.
“You lost control and brought it back,” I said. “I’m proud of you. Besides, I’ll be covered in bruises tomorrow. You really are strong.”
I stood and held out my hand. She smiled and took it, then kicked me in the groin. I doubled over, sucking in a breath, then stomped on her ankle. She cried out with pain.
“Totally worth it,” she said with a grin.
“That’s all that matters, you devious little brat.”
We both hobbled inside together. She slapped me on the back and went to the kitchen for some water. I headed into the living room to look for a hairclip. I glanced out the window and saw a figure in my front garden. I moved closer. Parker was walking away, through my front gate, his shoulders drooping.
I opened the door and ran out after him. “Hey, Parker!”
He slowly turned to face me. His dark brown eyes were sad, and I knew he would
end up back in the children’s home if I didn’t do something about it. I caught up to him on the road.
“Were you looking for Jess?” I asked.
“Yeah, then I thought it was too early, so…”
“We’ve been up for ages,” I said. “We were training out back. Pity you didn’t hear us, or you could have joined us. You might have liked seeing Jess lose her cool and kick my arse only to gain her control again. You both have that in common, right? Being afraid of what you can do. I told her this morning that we all have shit we’re not proud of, but if we don’t face up to it, it beats us.”
He cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable.
“Come on back to my place,” I said. “Jess could use the company. She’s bored with me, and she told me you were close on your travels.”
His eyes brightened a little. “She said that?”
“It’s not a lie, is it?” I clapped him on the back. “You’re welcome in my house anytime, Parker. This is where you live now. Nobody’s going to take you away.”
“It doesn’t feel like home. I don’t belong here. My grandfather wasn’t ever here. There are no memories of him. I thought it would be easier that way, but it’s not. It’s harder. I wish I could go home.”
“Hey, if you really want to go home, we can find a way. But Jess has to stay here for a while. Until we deal with Seth.”
“And if you don’t?” he asked. “Will she be here forever?”
“I thought you knew Jess,” I teased. “When she makes her mind up about something, it happens.”
He smiled, and I knew I had him.
“Come on. Jess is probably scrounging for food right now. Let’s go join her, and you can help me give her an education on childhood. She’s severely lacking in the fun stuff.”
“I know,” he said. “It’s pretty sad.”
We strolled into my house together and found Jess in the kitchen. She grinned broadly when she saw Parker.
“Hey,” she said. “I didn’t know you were here.”
I saw the way they looked at each other, and my heart did a little sigh. “He’s here to babysit you for a few minutes,” I said. “I just need to pop across the road for something.” Neither of them so much as glanced at me. I cleared my throat. “I said a few minutes, okay?”
Jessica turned to me, seeming confused. I was pretty certain she’d forgotten I was there.
“Never mind,” I said, smiling. Innocent teenagers rocked.
I headed over to Peter’s house. I knew he would be awake because Emmett had discovered the joy of early morning cartoons, and Peter liked to watch them with the boy to pretend he was young again. It was a thing.
Peter answered the door, his hair all over the place. He looked a lot younger first thing in the morning, kind of innocent even. “What’s wrong?” He moved me out of the way to scope out the street.
“Nothing.” I shoved him back onto his doorstep. “I think we should have a barbeque today.”
“Today? Hello, it’s supposed to rain.”
“We’ll figure something else out if it rains.”
He frowned. “Yeah, well, food things are Carl’s strength. Go tell him.”
“I will, Grumpy. I just wanted to tell you first.”
He gave me a lazy half-smile and leaned against the doorstep. “Why’s that?”
“I don’t know. I just needed an excuse to get out of my house, and you’re the only one who’s ever up this early. Jeez.”
“What’s wrong with your house?”
I smiled. “I’m giving the newest lovebirds in town a minute or two alone.”
He stared at me. “Tell me you’re not talking about the teenagers. You don’t leave teenagers alone, Ava.”
“You ruin everything. Not every teenager is a version of teenage you, you know.”
He smirked. “They wish. So what’s with the party idea? Doesn’t seem like the time to party. We’ve a lot of work to do.”
“And we can’t work and eat at the same time?”
He folded his arms. “Spit it out.”
“Parker doesn’t feel like this is his home.”
“That’s because it’s not. He’s staying in a stranger’s house.”
“Yeah, but it’s Carl. He makes friends with everyone he sees. He still goes for drinks with a taxi-driver who drove him home one night five years ago.”
“So… what, you feel sorry for the kid now?”
“Yes! Don’t you? And everyone’s so stressed that I thought maybe doing something together would bring back the family vibe to the place.”
He moved closer to me. “There are easier ways to bring family vibes to the cul-de-sac.”
I tried my best not to smile. “Is that so?”
“Yeah, I mean, Emmett feels like he lost his family, and you’re not rectifying that for him.” He gave me puppy-dog eyes, which looked kind of terrifying on his hunter-scarred face.
“Don’t try to be cute,” I said. “It never works.”
“It might be easier if you told me what would work.” He grinned.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“And you’re dragging this out for too long.” He rested his hands on my waist. “You want us back. You want to be a family again. You were happy with us.”
I had been, and I was tempted. I laid my hands on his, my head bent. Maybe I was cutting off my nose to spite my face. Maybe I had been angry for too long. But I was in a different place than I had been before, and I was sick of making important life decisions in the face of death.
“Peter, I—”
Emmett came running into the hallway. “Is that Ava?”
I pushed Peter’s hands away and reached for his son, instead. I couldn’t look to see Peter’s reaction.
Emmett came barrelling into my arms. I hugged him tightly, relishing the clean smell of his hair. It was growing out again, albeit with a few thin patches here and there, but his eyes were bright and happy.
“What are you doing here so early?” he asked, refusing to let me go.
“I was talking to your dad about having a barbeque today.”
He frowned. “That’s Carl’s job.”
“See?” Peter smirked.
“I just wanted you and your dad’s opinion on it. I didn’t mean to take you away from Transformers or anything.”
“On a break.” He shrugged. “Dad thinks it’s a good idea. Don’t you, Dad?”
Peter rolled his eyes. “Fine. It’s a good idea. We’ll be there.”
“Think you could help Carl with it?” I asked. “And Anka. I’ll take Emmett and Dita to my place, and—”
“Shut up,” Peter said. “I’ll help with your stupid barbeque, even though I have more important things to do.”
“Cool,” Emmett said. “I’ll go get my stuff.”
I leaned over and kissed Peter’s cheek. “Thanks, Peter,” I said shyly.
A wave of sadness passed over me. Once, I had yearned for him to accept me, but since he had, I had firm suspicions that it was just too late.
Chapter Sixteen
“Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea,” Peter said as he leaned against my front wall.
Emmett was on the other side of me. I had wrapped my arm around him, gaining comfort from him in a way I couldn’t from anyone else. The rest of the cul-de-sac people were standing around, conversing with each other and eating from Carl’s bounty in the rare bout of dry weather.
“It’s been all kinds of relaxing.” Surrounded by Emmett and Peter, I allowed myself to feel content, almost like part of the family again.
Peter gestured at Adam. “He doesn’t look very relaxed.”
“He doesn’t understand us. He wants us all to hide and feel scared all of the time. He doesn’t get how good we are at that. So good, we can relax at the same time.”
“And he doesn’t realise this is all part of your defiant act. Screw you, first vampire. We ain’t scared.” Peter grinned. “Adam’s going to take that girl and run a mile if you’re
not careful.”
“She won’t leave without Parker,” I said, watching the two teens partake in some harmless flirting. “And he seems the wisest out of the three of them. He hates it here, but he knows it’s safe, so he puts up with it. Everybody wins.”
Somebody started playing Ry’s old fiddle. That brought a tear to my eye.
“Hey,” Peter said softly, “don’t get upset.”
I blinked away the tears as best I could. It wasn’t just the memory of Ry. It was all of them, all the ones we had lost. Nobody had been safe. And by hiding a girl being chased by the very first vampire, I was inviting trouble yet again.
Emmett squeezed my arm. “I’m gonna go play.”
I watched him run over to Dita and pull her hair. Little shit. She shoved him then ran off with him giving chase.
“I can’t tell if they’re being evil or cute sometimes.”
“Let’s go with cute,” Peter said. “We’ve enough to worry about.”
I blew out a sigh.
“What’s wrong?” Peter asked.
“That whole thing of wondering if we’re doing what’s right or just being plain stupid.”
“It’s just the life we lead. Someday, it’ll be different.”
“Someday,” I echoed. “I wish someday would hurry the fuck up.”
“We’re getting somewhere with the research. I’m pretty sure Seth’s not a daywalker. I wish we could find someone who was around when he was being created.”
“I suppose I could crack open Hell and have a chat with the Big Daddy down there. Doubt I’d make it back here, but still.”
“Don’t even joke about that. It’s gonna be dark soon.”
I stared up at the sky. “Looks like it.”
A car trundled into the cul-de-sac and parked outside the twins’ home.
“Phoenix,” Peter said in a disgruntled tone.
“And Shay,” I added, seeing two people get out of the car.
They made their way toward the party. Phoenix stopped to hug Lucia, who looked delighted to see her father. Lorcan offered his hand, and Phoenix shook it soberly. Shay found Emmett and patted him on the head then exchanged a few words with him.