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Wintersmith Tiffany was speechless, but only for a moment. She pointed. "Weve got to stop this ship from hitting that iceberg!"
"Just that? Nae problemo!" Rob looked past her to the looming ice giantess and grinned. "Hes got yer nose just right, eh?"
"Just stop it! Please?" Tiffany pleaded. "Aye-aye! Cmon, lads!" Watching the Feegles working was like watching ants, except that ants didnt wear kilts and shout "Crivens!" all the time. Maybe it was because they could make one word do so much work that they seemed to have no problem at all with the Jolly Sailors orders. They swarmed across the deck. Mysterious ropes were pulled. Sails moved and billowed to a chorus of "A Good Smoke!" and "Crivens!" Now the Wintersmith wants to marry me, Tiffany thought. Oh, dear. Shed sometimes wondered if shed get married one day, but she was definite that now was too soon for "one day. " Yes, her mother had been married when she was still fourteen, but that was the sort of thing that happened in the olden days. There were a lot of things to be done before Tiffany ever got married, she was very clear about that. Besides, when you thought about it…yuk. He wasnt even a person. Hed be too— Thud! went the wind in the sails. The ship creaked and leaned over, and everyone was shouting at her. Mostly they shouted, "The wheel! Grab the wheel right noo!" although there was also a desperate "A Good Smoke in Any Weather!" in there too. Tiffany turned to see the wheel spinning in a blur. She made a snatch at it and got thumped across the fingers by the spokes, but there was a length of rope coiled nearby and she managed to lasso the wheel with a loop and jerk it to a halt without sliding along the deck too much. Then she grabbed the wheel and tried to turn it the other way. It was like pushing a house, but it did move, very slowly at first and then faster as she put her back into it. The ship came around. She could feel it moving, beginning to head a little bit away from the iceberg, not directly for it. Good! Things were going right at last! She spun the wheel some more, and now the huge cold wall was sliding past, filling the air with mist. Everything was going to be all right after— The ship hit the iceberg. It started with a simple crack! as a spar caught on an outcrop, but then others smashed as the ship scraped along the side of the ice. Then there were some sharp splintering noises as the ship ground onward, and bits of plank shot up on columns of foaming water. The top of a mast broke off, dragging sails and rigging with it. A lump of ice smashed onto the deck a few feet away from Tiffany, showering her with needles. "This isnt how its supposed to go!" she panted, hanging on to the wheel. Marry me, said the Wintersmith. Churning white water roared across the foundering ship. Tiffany held on for a moment longer; then the cold surf covered her…except that it was suddenly not cold, but warm. But it was still stopping her from breathing. In the darkness she tried to fight her way to the surface, until the blackness was suddenly pulled aside, her eyes filled with light, and a voice said: "Im sure these mattresses are far too soft, but you cant tell Mrs. Ogg a thing. " Tiffany blinked. She was in bed, and a skinny woman with worried hair and a rather red nose was standing by it. "You were tossing and turning like a mad thing," the woman said, putting a steaming mug on the small table by the bed. "One day someone will suffikate, mark my words. " Tiffany blinked again. Im supposed to think: Oh, it was just a dream. But it wasnt just a dream. Not my dream. "What time is it?" she managed. "About seven," said the woman. "Seven!" Tiffany pushed the sheets back. "Ive got to get up! Mrs. Ogg will be wanting her breakfast!"
"I shouldnt think so. I took it to her in bed not ten minutes ago," said the woman, giving Tiffany a Look. "And Im off home. " She sniffed. "Drink your tea before it gets cold. " And with that she marched toward the door. "Is Mrs. Ogg ill?" asked Tiffany, looking everywhere for her socks. Shed never heard of anyone who wasnt really old or very ill having a meal in bed. "Ill? I dont think shes had a days illness in her life," said the woman, managing to suggest that in her opinion this was unfair. She shut the door. Even the bedroom floor was smooth—not made smooth by centuries of feet that had worn down the planks and taken all the splinters out, but because someone had sanded and varnished it. Tiffanys bare feet stuck to it slightly. There was no dust to be seen, no spiderwebs anywhere. The room was bright and fresh and exactly unlike any room in a witchs cottage ought to be. "Im going to get dressed," she said to the air. "Are there any Feegles in here?"
"Ach, no," said a voice from under the bed. There was some frantic whispering and the voice said: "That is tae say, theres hardly any o us here at a. "
"Then shut your eyes," said Tiffany. She got dressed, taking occasional sips of the tea as she did so. Tea brought to your bedside when you werent ill? That sort of thing happened to kings and queens! And then she noticed the bruise on her fingers. It didnt hurt at all, but the skin was blue where the ships wheel had hit it. Right… "Feegles?" she said. "Crivens, yell nae be foolin us a second time," said the voice from under the bed. "Get out here where I can see you, Daft Wullie!" Tiffany commanded. "Its real hagglin, miss, the way ye always ken its me. " After some more urgent whispering, Daft Wullie—for it was indeed he—trooped out with two more Feegles and Horace the cheese. Tiffany stared. All right, he was a blue cheese, so he was about the same color as a Feegle. And he acted like a Feegle, no doubt about that. Why, though, had he got a grubby strip of Feegle tartan around him? "He kinda found us," said Daft Wullie, putting his arm around as much of Horace as was possible. "Can I keep him? He understands evera word I say!"
"Thats amazing, because I dont," said Tiffany. "Look, were we in a shipwreck last night?"
"Oh, aye. Sorta. "
"Sort of? Was it real or wasnt it?"
"Oh, aye," said the Feegle nervously. "Which?" Tiffany insisted. "Kinda real, and kinda not real, in a real unreal sorta way," said Daft Wullie, squirming a bit. "I dont have the knowin o the right wurdies…. "
"Are all you Feegles okay?"
"Oh aye, miss," said Daft Wullie, brightening up. "Nae problemo. It wuz only a dream ship on a dream sea, after a. "
"And a dream iceberg?" said Tiffany. "Ach, no. The iceberg was real, mistress. "
"I thought so! Are you sure?"
"Aye. Were good at the knowin o stuff like that," said Daft Wullie. "Thats so, eh, lads?" The other two Feegles, in total awe of being in the presence of the big wee hag without the safety of hundreds of brothers around them, nodded at Tiffany and then tried to shuffle behind each other. "A real iceberg shaped like me is floating around on the sea?" said Tiffany in horror. "Getting in the way of shipping?"
"Aye. Could be," said Daft Wullie. "Im going to get into so much trouble!" said Tiffany, standing up. There was a snapping noise, and the end of one of the floorboards leaped out of the floor and hung there, bouncing up and down with a rocking-chair noise. It had ripped out two long nails. "And now this," said Tiffany weakly. But the Feegles and Horace had vanished. Behind Tiffany someone laughed, although it was maybe more of a chuckle, deep and real and with just a hint that maybe someone had told a rude joke. "Those little devils cant half run, eh?" said Nanny Ogg, ambling into the room. "Now then, Tiff, I wants you to turn around slowly and go and sit on your bed with your feet off the ground. Can you do that?"
"Of course, Mrs. Ogg," said Tiffany. "Look, Im sorry about—"
"Poo, whats a floorboard more or less?" said Nanny Ogg. "Im much more worried about Esme Weatherwax. She said there might be something like this! Ha, she was right and Miss Tick was wrong! Therell be no living with her after this! Shell have her nose so far in the air, her feet wont touch the ground!" With a spioioioiiing! sound, another floorboard sprang up. "And it might be a good idea if yours didnt either, miss," Nanny Ogg added. "Ill be back in half a tick. " That turned out to be the same length of time as twenty-seven seconds, when Nanny returned carrying a pair of violently pink slippers with bunny rabbits on them. "My second-best pair," she said as, behind her, a board went plunk! and hurled four big nails into the
far wall. The boards that had already sprung up were beginning to sprout what looked a lot like leaves. They were thin and weedy, but leaves were what they were. "Is it me doing this?" asked Tiffany nervously. "I daresay Esme will want to tell you all about it herself," said Nanny, helping Tiffanys feet into the slippers. "But what youve got here, miss, is a bad case of Ped Fecundis. " In the back of Tiffanys memory Dr. Sensibility Bustle, D. M. Phil. , B. El L. , stirred in his sleep for a moment and took care of the translation. "Fertile Feet?" said Tiffany. "Well done! I didnt expect anything to happen to floorboards, mind you, but it makes sense, when you think about it. Theyre made of wood, after all, so theyre tryin to grow. "
"Mrs. Ogg?" said Tiffany. "Yes?"
"Please? I havent got a clue what youre talking about! I keep my feet very clean! And I think Im a giant iceberg!" Nanny Ogg gave her a slow, kind look. Tiffany stared into dark, twinkling eyes. Dont try to trick her or hold anything back from those eyes, said her Third Thoughts. Everyone says shes been Granny Weatherwaxs best friend since they were girls. And that means that under all those wrinkles must be nerves of steel. "Kettles on downstairs," said Nanny brightly. "Why dont you come down and tell me all about it?" Tiffany had looked up "strumpet" in the Unexpurgated Dictionary, and found it meant "a woman who is no better than she should be" and "a lady of easy virtue. " This, she decided after some working out, meant that Mrs. Gytha Ogg, known as Nanny, was a very respectable person. She found virtue easy, for one thing. And if she was no better than she should be, then she was just as good as she ought to be. She had a feeling that Miss Treason hadnt meant this, but you couldnt argue with logic. Nanny Ogg was good at listening, at least. She listened like a great big ear, and before Tiffany realized it, she was telling her everything. Everything. Nanny sat on the opposite side of the big kitchen table, puffing gently at a pipe with a hedgehog carved on it. Sometimes shed ask a little question, like "Why was that?" or "And then what happened?" and off theyd go again. Nannys friendly little smile could drag out of you things you didnt know you knew. While they talked, Tiffanys Third Thoughts scanned the room out of the corners of her eyes. It was wonderfully clean and bright, and there were ornaments everywhere—cheap, jolly ones, the sort that have things like "To the Worlds Best Mum" on them. And where there werent ornaments, there were pictures of babies and children and families. Tiffany had thought that only grand folk lived in homes like this. There were oil lamps! There was a bath, made of tin, hanging conveniently on a hook outside the privy! There was a pump actually indoors! But Nanny ambled around in her rather worn black dress, not grand at all. From the best chair in the room of ornaments, a large gray cat watched Tiffany with a half-open eye that glinted with absolute evil. Nanny had referred to him as "Greebo…dont mind him, hes just a big old softie," which Tiffany knew enough to interpret as "hell have his claws in your leg if you go anywhere near him. " Tiffany talked as she hadnt talked to anyone before. It must be a kind of magic, her Third Thoughts concluded. Witches soon picked up ways of controlling people with their voices, but Nanny Ogg listened at you. "This lad Roland who is not your young man," said Nanny, when Tiffany had paused for breath. "Thinking of marrying him, are you?" Dont lie, her Third Thoughts insisted. "I…well, your mind comes up with all kinds of things when youre not paying attention, doesnt it?" said Tiffany. "Its not like thinking. Anyway, all the other boys Ive met just stare at their stupid feet! Petulia says its because of the hat. "