Or maybe this was just a practice run.
Maybe.
You aim to tell her?
Yessir, I guess I do.
Well.
What do you think she'll say?
Well, I expect you might come out of it a little better than what you think.
Yessir, Bell said. I surely hope so.
X
He said I was bein hard on myself. Said it was a sign of old age. Tryin to set things right. I guess there's some truth to that. But it aint the whole truth. I agreed with him that there wasnt a whole lot good you could say about old age and he said he knew one thing and I said what is that. And he said it dont last long. I waited for him to smile but he didnt. I said well, that's pretty cold. And he said it was no colder than what the facts called for. So that was all there was about that. I knew what he'd say anyways, bless his heart. You care about people you try and lighten their load for em. Even when it's self-ordained. The other thing that was on my mind I never even got around to but I believe it to be related because I believe that whatever you do in your life it will get back to you. If you live long enough it will. And I can think of no reason in the world for that no-good to of killed that girl. What did she ever do to him? The truth is I never should of gone up there in the first place. Now they got that Mexican up here in Huntsville for killin that state trooper that he shot him and set his car afire and him in it and I dont believe he done it. But that's what he's goin to get the death penalty for. So what is my obligation there? I think I have sort of waited for all of this to go away somehow or another and of course it aint. I think I knew that when it started. It had that feel to it. Like I was fixin to get drug into somethin where the road back was goin to be a pretty long one.
When he asked me why this come up now after so many years I said that it had always been there. That I had just ignored it for the most part. But he's right, it did come up. I think sometimes people would rather have a bad answer about things than no answer at all. When I told it, well it took a shape I would not have guessed it to have and in that way he was right too. It was like a ballplayer told me one time he said that if he had some slight injury and it bothered him a little bit, nagged at him, he generally played better. It kept his mind focused on one thing instead of a hundred. I can understand that. Not that it changes anything.
I thought if I lived my life in the strictest way I knew how then I would not ever again have a thing that would eat on me thataway. I said that I was twenty-one years old and I was entitled to one mistake, particularly if I could learn from it and become the sort of man I had it in my mind to be. Well, I was wrong about all of that. Now I aim to quit and a good part of it is just knowin that I wont be called on to hunt this man. I reckon he's a man. So you could say to me that I aint changed a bit and I dont know that I would even have a argument about that. Thirty-six years. That's a painful thing to know.
One other thing he said. You'd think a man that had waited eighty some odd years on God to come into his life, well, you'd think he'd come. If he didnt you'd still have to figure that he knew what he was doin. I dont know what other description of God you could have. So what you end up with is that those he has spoke to are the ones that must of needed it the worst. That's not a easy thing to accept. Particularly as it might apply to someone like Loretta. But then maybe we are all of us lookin through the wrong end of the glass. Always have been.
Aunt Carolyn's letters to Harold. The reason she had them letters was that he had saved em. She was the one raised him and she was the same as his mother. Them letters was dog-eared and tore and covered with mud and I dont know what all. The thing about them letters. Well for one thing you could tell they were just country people. I dont think he'd ever been out of Irion County, let alone the State of Texas. But the thing about them letters was you could tell that the world she was plannin on him comin back to was not ever goin to be here. Easy to see now. Sixty some years on. But they just had no notion at all. You can say you like it or you dont like it but it dont change nothin. I've told my deputies more than once that you fix what you can fix and you let the rest go. If there aint nothin to be done about it it aint even a problem. It's just a aggravation. And the truth is I dont have no more idea of the world that is brewin out there than what Harold did.
Of course as it turned out he never come home at all. There was not nothin in them letters to suggest that she had reckoned on that possibility.
Well, you know she did. She just wouldnt of said nothin about it to him.
I've still got that medal of course. It come in a fancy purple box with a ribbon and all. It was in my bureau for years and then one day I took it out and put it in the drawer in the livin room table where I wouldnt have to look at it. Not that I ever looked at it, but it was there. Harold didnt get no medal. He just come home in a wooden box. And I dont believe they had Gold Star mothers in the First World War but if they had of Aunt Carolyn would not of got one of them either since he was not her natural son. But she should of. She never got his war pension neither.
So. I went back out there one more time. I walked over that ground and there was very little sign that anything had ever took place there. I picked up a shellcasin or two. That was about it. I stood out there a long time and I thought about things. It was one of them warm days you get in the winter sometimes. A little wind. I still keep thinkin maybe it is somethin about the country. Sort of the way Ellis said. I thought about my family and about him out there in his wheelchair in the old house and it just seemed to me that this country has got a strange kind of history and a damned bloody one too. About anywhere you care to look. I could stand back off and smile about such thoughts as them but I still have em. I dont make excuses for the way I think. Not no more. I talk to my daughter. She would be thirty now. That's all right. I dont care how that sounds. I like talkin to her. Call it superstition or whatever you want. I know that over the years I have give her the heart I always wanted for myself and that's all right. That's why I listen to her. I know I'll always get the best from her. It dont get mixed up with my own ignorance or my own meanness. I know how that sounds and I guess I'd have to say that I dont care. I never even told my wife and we dont have a whole lot of secrets from one another. I dont think she'd say I'm crazy, but some might. Ed Tom? Yeah, they had to swear out a lunacy warrant. I hear they're feedin him under the door. That's all right. I listen to what she says and what she says makes good sense. I wish she'd say more of it. I can use all the help I can get. Well, that's enough of that.
When he walked in the house the phone was ringing. Sheriff Bell, he said. He made his way to the sideboard and picked up the phone. Sheriff Bell, he said.
Sheriff this is Detective Cook with the Odessa police.
Yessir.
There's a report we have here that is flagged with your name. It has to do with a woman named Carla Jean Moss that was murdered here back in March.
Yessir. I appreciate you callin.
They picked up the murder weapon off of the FBI ballistics database and they traced it down to a boy here in Midland. The boy says he got the gun out of a truck at a accident scene. Just seen it and took it. And I expect that's right. I talked to him. He sold it and it turned up in a convenience store robbery in Shreveport Louisiana. Now the accident where he got the gun, it took place on the same day as the murder did. The man that owned the gun left it in the truck and disappeared and he aint been heard from since. So you can see where this is goin. We dont get a lot of unsolved homicides up here and we damn sure dont like em. Can I ask you what was your interest in the case, Sheriff?
Bell told him. Cook listened. Then he gave him a number. It was the investigator of the accident. Roger Catron. Let me call him first. He'll talk to you.
That's all right, Bell said. He'll talk to me. I've known him for years.
He called the number and Catron answered.
How're you doin Ed Tom.
I aint braggin.
What can I do you for.
&n
bsp; Bell told him about the wreck. Yessir, Catron said. Sure I remember it. There was two boys killed in that wreck. We still aint found the driver of the other vehicle.
What happened?
Boys'd been smokin dope. They run a stopsign and hit a brand new Dodge pickup broadside. Totaled it out. The old boy in the pickup he climbed out and just took off up the street. Fore we got there. Truck had been bought in Mexico. Illegal. No EPA or nothin. No registration.
What about the other vehicle.
There was three boys in it. Nineteen, twenty years old. All of em Mexican. The only one lived was the one in the back seat. Apparently they was passin around a doober and they went through this intersection probably about sixty mile a hour and just T-boned the old boy in the truck. The one in the passenger side of the car, he come through the wind-screen head first and crossed the street and landed on a woman's porch. She was out puttin some mail in her box and he didnt miss her by much. She set off down the street in her housewrapper and haircurlers just a hollerin. I dont think she's right yet.
What did you all do with the boy that took the gun?
We cut him loose.
If I come up there you reckon I could talk to him?
I'd say you could. I'm lookin at him on the screen right now.
What's his name?
David DeMarco.
Is he Mexican?
No. The boys in the car was. Not him.
Will he talk to me?
One way to find out.
I'll be there in the mornin.
I look forward to seein you.
Catron had called the boy and talked to him and when the boy walked into the cafe he didnt seem particularly worried about anything. He slid into the booth and propped up one foot and sucked at his teeth and looked at Bell.
You want some coffee?
Yeah. I'll take some coffee.
Bell raised a finger and the waitress came over and took his order. He looked at the boy.
What I wanted to talk to you about was the man that walked away from that wreck. I wonder if there's anything that comes to mind about him. Anything you might remember.
The boy shook his head. Naw, he said. He looked around the room.
How bad was he hurt?
I dont know. It looked like his arm was broke.
What else.
Had a cut on his head. I couldnt say how bad he was hurt. He could walk.
Bell watched him. How old a man would you say he was?
Hell, Sheriff. I dont know. He was pretty bloody and all.
On the report you said he was maybe in his late thirties.
Yeah. Somethin like that.
Who were you with.
What?
Who were you with.
Wasnt with nobody.
The neighbor there who called in the report, he said there was two of you.
Well, he's full of it.
Yeah? I talked to him this mornin and he seemed to me to be about as unfull of it as they come.
The waitress brought the coffee. DeMarco poured about a quarter cup of sugar into his and and sat stirring it.
You know this man had just got done killin a woman two blocks away when he got in that wreck.
Yeah. I didnt know it at the time.
You know how many people he's killed?
I dont know nothin about him.
How tall was he would you say?
Not real tall. Sort of medium.
Was he wearin boots.
Yeah. I think he was wearin boots.
What kind of boots.
I think they might of been ostrich.
Expensive boots.
Yeah.
How badly was he bleedin?
I dont know. He was bleedin. He had a cut on his head.
What did he say?
He didnt say nothin.
What did you say to him?
Nothin. I asked him was he all right.
You think he might of died?
I got no idea.
Bell leaned back. He turned the saltcellar a half turn on the tabletop. Then he turned it back again.
Tell me who you were with.
Wasnt with nobody.
Bell studied him. The boy sucked his teeth. He picked up the coffee mug and sipped the coffee and set it down again.
You aint goin to help me, are you?
I done told you all I know to tell. You seen the report. That's all I know to tell you.
Bell sat watching him. Then he got up and put on his hat and left.
In the morning he went to the high school and got some names from DeMarco's teacher. The first one he talked to wanted to know how he'd found him. He was a big kid and he sat with his hands folded and looked down at his tennis shoes. They were about a size fourteen and had Left and Right written on the toecaps in purple ink.
There's somethin you all aint tellin me.
The boy shook his head.
Did he threaten you?
Naw.
What did he look like? Was he Mexican?
I dont think so. He was kindly dark complected is all.
Were you afraid of him?
I wasnt till you showed up. Hell, Sheriff, I knew we shouldnt of took the damn thing. It was a dumb-ass thing to do. I aint goin to set here and say it was David's idea even if it was. I'm big enough to say no.
Yes you are.
It was all just weird. Them boys in the car was dead. Am I in trouble over this?
What else did he say to you.
The boy looked around the lunchroom. He looked almost in tears. If I had it to do over again I'd do it different. I know that.
What did he say.
He said that we didnt know what he looked like. He give David a hundred dollar bill.
A hundred dollars.
Yeah. David give him his shirt. To make a sling for his arm.
Bell nodded. All right. What did he look like.
He was medium height. Medium build. Looked like he was in shape. In his mid thirties maybe. Dark hair. Dark brown, I think. I dont know, Sheriff. He looked like anybody.
Like anybody.
The kid looked at his shoes. He looked up at Bell. He didnt look like anybody. I mean there wasnt nothin unusual lookin about him. But he didnt look like anybody you'd want to mess with. When he said somethin you damn sure listened. There was a bone stickin out under the skin on his arm and he didnt pay no more attention to it than nothin.
All right.
Am I in trouble over this?
No.
I appreciate it.
You dont know where things will take you, do you?
No sir, you dont. I think I learned somethin from it. If that's any use to you.
It is. Do you think DeMarco learned anything?
The boy shook his head. I dont know, he said. I cant speak for David.
XI
I got Molly to run down his relatives and we finally found his dad in San Saba. I left to go up there on a Friday evenin and I remember thinkin to myself when I left that this was probably another dumb thing I was fixin to do but I went anyways. I'd done talked to him on the phone. He didnt sound like he was waitin to see me or he wasnt waitin but he said to come on so here I went. Checked in a motel when I got there and drove out to his house in the mornin.
His wife had died some years back. We set out on the porch and drunk iced tea and I guess we'd of set there from now on if I hadnt of said somethin. He was a bit oldern me. Ten years maybe. I told him what I'd come to tell him. About his boy. Told him the facts. He just set there and nodded. He was settin in a swing and he just rocked back and forth a little and held that glass of tea in his lap. I didnt know what else to say so I just shut up and we set there for quite some time. And then he said, and he didnt look at me, he just looked out across the yard, and he said: He was the best rifleshot I ever saw. Bar none. I didnt know what to say. I said: Yessir.
He was a sniper in Vietnam you know.
I said I didnt know that.
&n
bsp; He was not in no drug deals.
No sir. He was not.
He nodded. He wasnt raised that way, he said.
Yessir.
Was you in the war?
Yes I was. European theatre.
He nodded. Llewelyn when he come home he went to visit several families of buddies of his that had not made it back. He give it up. He didnt know what to say to em. He said he could see em settin there lookin at him and wishin he was dead. You could see it in their faces. In the place of their own loved one, you understand.
Yessir. I can understand that.
I can too. But aside from that they'd all done things over there that they'd just as soon left over there. We didnt have nothin like that in the war. Or very little of it. He smacked the tar out of one or two of them hippies. Spittin on him. Callin him a babykiller. A lot of them boys that come back, they're still havin problems. I thought it was because they didnt have the country behind em. But I think it might be worse than that even. The country they did have was in pieces. It still is. It wasnt the hippies' fault. It wasnt the fault of them boys that got sent over there neither. Eighteen, nineteen year old.
He turned and looked at me. And then I thought he looked a lot older. His eyes looked old. He said: People will tell you it was Vietnam brought this country to its knees. But I never believed that. It was already in bad shape. Vietnam was just the icin on the cake. We didnt have nothin to give to em to take over there. If we'd sent em without rifles I dont know as they'd of been all that much worse off. You cant go to war like that. You cant go to war without God. I dont know what is goin to happen when the next one comes. I surely dont.
And that was pretty much all that was said. I thanked him for his time. The next day was goin to be my last day in the office and I had a good deal to think about. I drove back to I-10 along the back roads. Drove down to Cherokee and took 501. I tried to put things in perspective but sometimes you're just too close to it. It's a life's work to see yourself for what you really are and even then you might be wrong. And that is somethin I dont want to be wrong about. I've thought about why it was I wanted to be a lawman. There was always some part of me that wanted to be in charge. Pretty much insisted on it. Wanted people to listen to what I had to say. But there was a part of me too that just wanted to pull everbody back in the boat. If I've tried to cultivate anything it's been that. I think we are all of us ill prepared for what is to come and I dont care what shape it takes. And whatever comes my guess is that it will have small power to sustain us. These old people I talk to, if you could of told em that there would be people on the streets of our Texas towns with green hair and bones in their noses speakin a language they couldnt even understand, well, they just flat out wouldnt of believed you. But what if you'd of told em it was their own grandchildren? Well, all of that is signs and wonders but it dont tell you how it got that way. And it dont tell you nothin about how it's fixin to get, neither. Part of it was I always thought I could at least someway put things right and I guess I just dont feel that way no more. I dont know what I do feel like. I feel like them old people I was talkin about. Which aint goin to get better neither. I'm bein asked to stand for somethin that I dont have the same belief in it I once did. Asked to believe in somethin I might not hold with the way I once did. That's the problem. I failed at it even when I did. Now I've seen it held to the light. Seen any number of believers fall away. I've been forced to look at it again and I've been forced to look at myself. For better or for worse I do not know. I dont know that I would even advise you to throw in with me, and I never had them sorts of doubts before. If I'm wiser in the ways of the world it come at a price. Pretty good price too. When I told her I was quittin she at first didnt take me to mean it literally but I told her I did so mean it. I told her I hoped the people of this county would have better sense than to even vote for me. I told her I didnt feel right takin their money. She said well you dont mean that and I told her I meant it ever word. We're six thousand dollars in debt over this job too and I dont know what I'm goin to do about that either. Well we just set there for a time. I didnt think it would upset her like it done. Finally I just said: Loretta, I cant do it no more. And she smiled and she said: You aim to quit while you're ahead? And I said no mam I just aim to quit. I aint ahead by a damn sight. I never will be.