hands balled. “You can stand there and laugh, because you’re either a jerk-face or in complete denial, but I saw the way you looked at her—”
“The way I looked at her?” Incredulous, I stared at her.
“When she first showed up on the quad, you stared at her like you—you never expected to see her again.”
“Because I really was hoping not to,” I admitted, brows furrowing.
“I totally understand that. I mean, trust me, I get it.” Her arms folded across her stomach. “Seeing someone you want and can’t have—”
“That’s not the reason, Josie. I am not in love with Alex.” I stared at her a moment. “I was never in love with her. It wasn’t like that between us.”
“You’re saying there wasn’t anything there? That you felt nothing for her?” she challenged.
Part of me couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. Turning away, I shoved my hand through my hair, clasping the back of my neck. “Of course I felt something for her, but it wasn’t that. It wasn’t what she felt for Aiden or he felt for her.”
“Maybe you don’t even realize it,” she said after a moment, her voice quiet. “But I see it. I get—”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re seeing.” I whipped around, chest rising heavily. “It has nothing to do with her—with Alex! It has nothing to do with you.”
Closing her eyes, she shook her head as she turned her cheek, and there was a second where I realized that if I let her believe this, everything would be easier, but that’s not what I did.
“Gods, Josie. Do you really think I see you and her as the same? Alex is Alex and my past with her is in the past, but you—you are everything.”
Her blue eyes were so big they nearly swallowed her face. “I’m everything? If that’s the case, then I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you want to be with me? Why would—” Her voice cracked, and I hated that, and couldn’t stop myself. I stepped toward her, but she held up her hand. “How could I be everything to you when you broke my heart?”
“What?” I stopped. Everything stopped as I stared at her.
Josie shook her head as she pressed the heel of her hand to her chest. “I can’t be your everything. You would be with me. You would, and I wouldn’t be feeling like this. My heart wouldn’t be broken.” Eyes glittering like sapphires, she took a step back. “If I was everything to you, you’d love me as much as I love you.”
Chapter 18
Josie
Oh my God.
My words echoed in the silence, bouncing back and forth between us. I couldn’t believe I’d said that out loud. What was I thinking? I had no control over what I was going to say.
I was going to punch my own mouth.
Seth tilted his head to the side as he stared at me. “What did you just say?”
Taking another step back, I glanced at the door. Could I make a run for it? Seth could definitely catch me, but right now, he probably didn’t want to.
“Josie?”
My heart stuttered at the raw quality of his voice. I wanted to deny that I’d uttered those words, but I couldn’t. How could I when it was the truth, and it wasn’t like I could take those words back. I couldn’t.
Lowering my hand, I drew in a shallow breath. “I love you; I’m in love with you.”
Seth jerked like I’d punched him. “You can’t love me.”
My mouth dropped open. “There you go again! Telling me what I can do and not do! Telling me how I feel. Stop doing that.”
“But I . . .” He shook his head. “I’m at a loss to what to say.”
“Well, that’s a first,” I said dryly, but the fact he had no idea what to say stung as if I’d stepped on a hornets’ nest. “I don’t even know why I told you that. Not like I haven’t embarrassed myself enough when it comes to you. I don’t even know why I’m in love with you. You’re an ass. And I have shitty taste in—”
“Stop.” He shot in front of me, moving so fast I didn’t see him until we were face to face. “Please just . . . I . . . I don’t know what to say, Josie.”
I winced, feeling what he was saying all the way to the core. “That . . . that says everything, Seth, because if you don’t—” My voice cracked, right along with what was left of my heart. “If you don’t know what to say, then that’s it.”
“You don’t understand.” His voice was low.“I don’t understand anything.” Heart aching, I stepped to the side, but Seth followed.
“Please, just let me go. We can forget we even had—”
He clasped my cheeks in a gentle grasp. “No one has ever told me that before.”
“What?” I whispered after a moment.
His eyes were wide, slightly dilated. “No one has ever said they loved me or were in love with me, and actually meant it.”
I couldn’t believe that. Not even his mother? Yes, that was a different kind of love, but then I remembered how his mom was and once again I found myself wishing she was alive so I could bitch-slap her into eternity. But to live the years he had, and to never experience any kind of love wasn’t just wrong, it was sad. I wished it wasn’t so.
Seth’s hands slid down my neck, stopping where his thumbs pressed against my pulse. “But you . . .”
I had a choice here. I recognized that. I could save face and let this go. I could pull away and walk out of this room, but I was hurting for myself and despite everything that had gone on between us, I was still hurting for him. Maybe that. “But I love you.”
Seth’s hands shook—his hands. Hands that were always so steady in battle, but they trembled now, touching me. “I don’t deserve that from anyone, but especially from you.” Voice rough and heavy, he searched my face intently. “That is a precious gift that I . . . that I am not worthy of.”
I sucked in air. Oh gosh, that hurt. Hearing him say that tore me up, ripped me right apart, and it struck me then. I knew why he had backed off. Him pushing me away had nothing to do with Alex or with me. It was because of him, because of how he believed he deserved nothing more than punishment.
That he sincerely believed that the only thing he had was to atone for his past sins.
Tears pricked my eyes as I folded my hands over his wrists. I had to prove what he believed wasn’t true.
Prove that he was the total of everything he’d done and not just the dark things he was ashamed of, and I would do so, because I loved him and accepted him for who he was, for all his faults. That was what love meant.
Love fostered courage.
Stretching up on the tips of my toes, I braced myself, gripped his wrists tighter and leaned in, kissing him softly. He stiffened and then tried to pull back, but I followed, the whole time my stomach twisting and fluttering like a hundred hummingbirds had taken flight.
“You’re wrong,” I told him, settling back on my feet. “You’re so wrong about so much, Seth.”
Thick lashes lowered, shielding those extraordinary eyes that held a wealth of secrets. I lowered his hands and started walking backward, toward his bedroom. I didn’t let myself think of what I was doing, what I was about to initiate.
“You deserve me,” I told him, and he didn’t argue. He appeared to be struck silent. “I’ve told you that before, in this very room. I wasn’t lying then. Nothing has changed. You deserve me.”
He flinched once more. “Josie, I—”
I silenced him with a kiss and I threw everything I was feeling into it, every ounce of love and hope and all the hurt I felt when he’d pushed me away and all the ache his words created now. I kissed him like I would never do it again.
“You’re worthy of love.” My pulse was all over the place as I pushed him back and down on the edge of the bed. “You’re more than worthy of my love.”
Seth watched me with bright eyes as I placed a knee on either side of him and climbed into his lap. I lowered myself down and I felt him, hard and straining against the rough material of his tactical pants.
Letting go of his wrists, I took
a deep breath and grabbed the hem of my soiled shirt. I pulled it off over my head before I lost the courage. Seth’s chest rose with a sharp inhale as I let the material fall to the side.
He said nothing, but his hands landed on my hips. I took that as a positive sign.
Fingers trembling, I reached behind and unhooked my bra. I held my breath as the straps slipped down my arms and then fell to the floor. Wasn’t like he hadn’t seen all of this before, but I was never the initiator and I’d never felt more vulnerable in my life. My newfound courage would falter if he pushed me away now.
Seth didn’t move for several moments, and then his eyes closed. My heart skipped a beat. He lowered his head, pressing his cheek against my breast. The slight stubble along his jaw abraded the sensitive skin, causing me to shiver.
“You . . . you are truly a goddess,” he said, his hands sliding off my hips to my lower back. “Sometimes I’m not entirely convinced you’re real.”
My lips parted on a soft inhale. “I’m real.”
“You feel like a dream.” He turned his head slightly, nuzzling the hollow between my breasts. “Like I’m going to wake up one day and realize none of this was ever real.”
I cupped the back of his head, threading my fingers through the short strands of his hair as I lowered my chin, kissing the top of his head. I didn’t trust myself to speak then because I was afraid I’d start crying and that would really deter where I was trying to go with all of this.
“Or that this,” he continued, lifting his head and looking up at me, “will turn into a nightmare and you will end up hating me with every fiber of your being.”
“Never,” I promised, sliding my hand to his cheek.
His eyes glowed. “And you can be so sure of that, Josie?”
Instead of answering, I found one of his hands and brought it to my breast. My heart pounded so fast that I feared demigods could have heart attacks.
Seth’s gaze dropped to his hand, and when I let go, he didn’t. He drew his thumb over the tip, eliciting a gasp from me. “What are we doing?”
I thought it was pretty obvious. “I want you.”
He groaned as if he were in pain. “Not as badly as I want you.”
I shivered at his words. “Then have me.”
A long moment of silence passed between us, and I had no idea which way he was going to go with this. Sex wasn’t a cure-all. I’d progressed enough in my psychology studies to know that, and hey, I had some common sense, but it was the most . . . perfect way for me to show just how much I did love him.
Seth’s gaze lowered, a moment passed, and he said, “I can do this.”
I didn’t really understand what he meant and I didn’t get the chance to ask either, because he stood suddenly, lifting me into the air like I weighed nothing and I sure as hell weighed something. Gasping, I held onto his shoulders and wrapped my legs around his hips as he turned around so my back was to the bed.
One hand fisted my hair and he dragged my head down so our mouths were lined up. “Are you sure?”
It was crazy. We’d barely talked for weeks and when we did, we’d argued. I didn’t think my first time would be like this. Maybe after dinner or a movie or after snuggling, but none of that mattered to me. Seth mattered to me. Proving to him that love was a gift which he was worthy of mattered to me.
I closed my eyes. “I’ve never been more sure.”
Seth had me.
One second he was holding me and then he was kissing me, his tongue tangling with mine, and there was no slow build-up. Our teeth gnashed together, but I didn’t care. He let go of my hair and both hands gripped my hips. He lifted me away from him and in a split second my back hit the bed.
And he was on me.
It was rather impressive how quickly he got my pants off, even when they’d gotten hung up around my sneakers. My panties came next and then his boots and pants. He stepped away long enough to grab a condom out of the nightstand, tossing it on the bed beside us.
Seth stood at the end of the bed, his erection jutting out, so thick and hard that for a moment I felt a nugget of trepidation. This . . . this might be a wee bit painful.
Worth it.
But painful.
He reached down, wrapping his hand around my foot. “There isn’t an inch of you that I don’t want to savor.” He drew my legs apart, baring everything, and I fought the natural urge to hide myself. “Not a single inch of skin that I don’t want to taste.”
“Oh. Oh my . . .” That was all I could say. My brain broke.
One side of his lips kicked up, proving that the Seth I knew was still there. That cocky half-grin was as infuriating as it was sexy.
I watched, muscles tightening low in my stomach, as he came at me from the foot of the bed. He started at my ankle, kissing and licking his way up my leg, lingering at the surprisingly sensitive spot behind my knee before continuing up my thigh. My breath was coming out in sort-of pants, and when he reached the crease of my thigh, he ran his tongue along the crease, creating a rush of dampness. Then he started all the way down on the other leg.
He made a sound against my inner thigh, like a purr, and then he nipped at the skin. My hands fisted the comforter and my hips rolled. Seth moved up, dropping those hot, wet kisses over my belly and then my breasts. His fingers and then his tongue moved on the hardened nipples, and it wasn’t long before I was grasping the back of his head, my body moving restlessly, wanting and seeking oh-so-much more.
“Seth,” I urged, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him down on me.
“I’m savoring.” He worked his way back down, his tongue dipping into my belly button. “Patience, Josie.”
I was breathing heavy. “I’m out of patience.”
He chuckled against the fluttering section just below my navel. “We’re going to have to work on that.”
“No,” I protested. “We do not need to work on that right now.”
Seth paused just over the space between my thighs and lifted his head. The slow grin that tugged at his lips sort of made me want to kiss him . . . and punch him. “You sure about that?”
“Yes.”
One brow rose as he curled a hand around my thigh, spreading my legs further. “Now, Josie, you know what they say.”
“I don’t care what anyone says right now.”
“You should. Good things come to those who wait.”
A laugh caught in my throat. “I’ve waited. You’ve waited. It’s time for the good things.”
Seth’s gaze dropped. “Damn. I so agree on that.”
He dipped his head and my back arched as a strangled cry erupted from my throat. Good gods, I couldn’t breathe as he teased and tasted, nipped and sucked. There was no room for thinking, only feeling, and with each thrust of his tongue, my body rose. Moans escaped me. Desire pounded through me, mixing with something far deeper. Emotion swelled in my chest, and when he lifted his head again and pierced me with those amber eyes, I knew there would never be anyone else for me.
“There has only been you,” I told him even as warmth splashed across my cheeks. “There will only be you, Seth.”
His features sharpened and then he surged over me, that hungry near-haunted gaze fixed on mine. I trembled as he reached for the condom. I ached as I watched him roll it on.
He held my stare as he reached between us, easing a finger through the gathering wetness. “This is mine.”
It wasn’t a question. Oh gods, that was a statement, but I nodded, because it was his. I was his. Like my skin was branded with his scent and aura, I was his.
He circled his fist around the base of his erection. “This is yours.”
I was more than thrilled to hear that.
Seth brought his mouth to mine, his tongue delving, matching the thrusts of his finger and then his fingers, quickly working me back to the point where I felt like I would explode into nothing. He pulled away just before, and I whimpered, but then I felt him, just the tip, pressing against me.
My heart pounded wildly as his gaze found mine once again. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, voice hoarse as he moved his hand away. “It’s the last thing I want to do.”
“I trust you.”
Skin puckered between Seth’s brows as he squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t move, and I wasn’t even sure he breathed. He was going to pull back. I sensed it, and I couldn’t let him do that.