CHAPTER XXIX
EXIT CAPITAN TIAGO
Talis vita, finis ita
Capitan Tiago had a good end--that is, a quite exceptionalfuneral. True it is that the curate of the parish had venturedthe observation to Padre Irene that Capitan Tiago had died withoutconfession, but the good priest, smiling sardonically, had rubbedthe tip of his nose and answered:
"Why say that to me? If we had to deny the obsequies to all whodie without confession, we should forget the _De profundis_! Theserestrictions, as you well know, are enforced when the impenitent isalso insolvent. But Capitan Tiago--out on you! You've buried infidelChinamen, and with a requiem mass!"
Capitan Tiago had named Padre Irene as his executor and willed hisproperty in part to St. Clara, part to the Pope, to the Archbishop, thereligious corporations, leaving twenty pesos for the matriculation ofpoor students. This last clause had been dictated at the suggestion ofPadre Irene, in his capacity as protector of studious youths. CapitanTiago had annulled a legacy of twenty-five pesos that he had leftto Basilio, in view of the ungrateful conduct of the boy during thelast few days, but Padre Irene had restored it and announced that hewould take it upon his own purse and conscience.
In the dead man's house, where were assembled on the following day manyold friends and acquaintances, considerable comment was indulged inover a miracle. It was reported that, at the very moment when he wasdying, the soul of Capitan Tiago had appeared to the nuns surroundedby a brilliant light. God had saved him, thanks to the pious legacies,and to the numerous masses he had paid for. The story was commentedupon, it was recounted vividly, it took on particulars, and wasdoubted by no one. The appearance of Capitan Tiago was minutelydescribed--of course the frock coat, the cheek bulged out by thequid of buyo, without omitting the game-cock and the opium-pipe. Thesenior sacristan, who was present, gravely affirmed these facts withhis head and reflected that, after death, he would appear with hiscup of white _taju_, for without that refreshing breakfast he couldnot comprehend happiness either on earth or in heaven.
On this subject, because of their inability to discuss the eventsof the preceding day and because there were gamblers present, manystrange speculations were developed. They made conjectures as towhether Capitan Tiago would invite St. Peter to a _soltada_, whetherthey would place bets, whether the game-cocks were immortal, whetherinvulnerable, and in this case who would be the referee, who would win,and so on: discussions quite to the taste of those who found sciences,theories, and systems, based on a text which they esteem infallible,revealed or dogmatic. Moreover, there were cited passages from novenas,books of miracles, sayings of the curates, descriptions of heaven,and other embroidery. Don Primitivo, the philosopher, was in hisglory quoting opinions of the theologians.
"Because no one can lose," he stated with great authority. "Tolose would cause hard feelings and in heaven there can't be anyhard feelings."
"But some one has to win," rejoined the gambler Aristorenas. "Thefun lies in winning!"
"Well, both win, that's easy!"
This idea of both winning could not be admitted by Aristorenas,for he had passed his life in the cockpit and had always seen onecock lose and the other win--at best, there was a tie. Vainly DonPrimitivo argued in Latin. Aristorenas shook his head, and that toowhen Don Primitivo's Latin was easy to understand, for he talked of _angallus talisainus, acuto tari armatus, an gallus beati Petri bulikussasabungus sit_, [63] and so on, until at length he decided to resortto the argument which many use to convince and silence their opponents.
"You're going to be damned, friend Martin, you're falling intoheresy! _Cave ne cadas!_ I'm not going to play monte with you any more,and we'll not set up a bank together. You deny the omnipotence ofGod, _peccatum mortale!_ You deny the existence of the Holy Trinity--three are one and one is three! Take care! You indirectly deny thattwo natures, two understandings, and two wills can have only onememory! Be careful! _Quicumque non crederit anathema sit!_"
Martin Aristorenas shrank away pale and trembling, while Quiroga,who had listened with great attention to the argument, with markeddeference offered the philosopher a magnificent cigar, at the same timeasking in his caressing voice: "Surely, one can make a contract for acockpit with Kilisto, [64] ha? When I die, I'll be the contractor, ha?"
Among the others, they talked more of the deceased; at least theydiscussed what kind of clothing to put on him. Capitan Tinong proposeda Franciscan habit--and fortunately, he had one, old, threadbare, andpatched, a precious object which, according to the friar who gave it tohim as alms in exchange for thirty-six pesos, would preserve the corpsefrom the flames of hell and which reckoned in its support various piousanecdotes taken from the books distributed by the curates. Although heheld this relic in great esteem, Capitan Tinong was disposed to partwith it for the sake of his intimate friend, whom he had not been ableto visit during his illness. But a tailor objected, with good reason,that since the nuns had seen Capitan Tiago ascending to heaven in afrock coat, in a frock coat he should be dressed here on earth, norwas there any necessity for preservatives and fire-proof garments. Thedeceased had attended balls and fiestas in a frock coat, and nothingelse would be expected of him in the skies--and, wonderful to relate,the tailor accidentally happened to have one ready, which he would partwith for thirty-two pesos, four cheaper than the Franciscan habit,because he didn't want to make any profit on Capitan Tiago, who hadbeen his customer in life and would now be his patron in heaven. ButPadre Irene, trustee and executor, rejected both proposals and orderedthat the Capitan be dressed in one of his old suits of clothes,remarking with holy unction that God paid no attention to clothing.
The obsequies were, therefore, of the very first class. There wereresponsories in the house, and in the street three friars officiated,as though one were not sufficient for such a great soul. All therites and ceremonies possible were performed, and it is reportedthat there were even _extras_, as in the benefits for actors. It wasindeed a delight: loads of incense were burned, there were plentyof Latin chants, large quantities of holy water were expended, andPadre Irene, out of regard for his old friend, sang the _Dies Irae_in a falsetto voice from the choir, while the neighbors suffered realheadaches from so much knell-ringing.
Dona Patrocinio, the ancient rival of Capitan Tiago in religiosity,actually wanted to die on the next day, so that she might order evenmore sumptuous obsequies. The pious old lady could not bear the thoughtthat he, whom she had long considered vanquished forever, should indying come forward again with so much pomp. Yes, she desired to die,and it seemed that she could hear the exclamations of the people atthe funeral: "This indeed is what you call a funeral! This indeed isto know how to die, Dona Patrocinio!"