I was pissed at myself for the nightmare. They were rare now, but I couldn’t seem to loosen their grip on me. It was always the same. Those horrible images that left me sweating and gasping and forgetting that I wasn’t a child anymore. Staring at my mother’s body, my father’s not too far away with his face blown open by a bullet.
I had been through therapy before, but maybe it was time to go back. I didn’t want to, but if the choice was therapy or having nightmares, I was going to pick therapy every time. Taylor had been through it too, so I knew she would be supportive if I told her I wanted to.
I thought about it a lot on Monday during class. Summer had to poke me with her pen a few times to get my attention to focus again.
“You are definitely in another place today,” she said as we ate lunch between classes. I hadn’t shared my Tragic Backstory with her yet, but she was perceptive enough to figure out that I had some sort of sad history. She didn’t ask me about it, for which I was grateful.
“Yeah, I have rehearsal tonight,” I said. Last year I’d joined the Maine Steiners, the all-guy acapella group at UMaine. Dusty had joined too, thanks to his sick beat-boxing skills. I’d shamelessly used the Steiners when I proposed to Taylor and I was forever grateful that they went along with it.
“No, that’s not it, but I’ll let it slide,” she said with a smile. “Would you like me to take your mind off it? Or would you like me to sit here quietly and let you ponder?”
I wasn’t sure.
“Take my mind off it,” I finally said.
“Okay, cool. So. This is the lesson plan I’m working on,” she said, and proceeded to outline our latest assignment in great detail. I’d already finished mine, but hers was much better. I’d have to go back and revise if I was going to get a decent grade.
“And now I have to go,” she said with a smile as she got up to dump her tray. “Did that work?”
“Yeah, thanks,” I said and she gave me a wink before she headed off to her next class.
****
Since the Steiners were an institution and part of the whole UMaine experience, we had our own room in the Student Union to practice in. I got there early and said hello to all the guys as they filed in. Dusty barreled in with a minute to spare, huffing and puffing. “Sorry. Got caught up at the library.”
Kent called us all to order and we started with our ridiculous vocal warmups. I would never let anyone outside of this room know that I had done them.
We went through our songs from last year and then Kent handed out the sheet music for some of our new songs. We liked to mix new pop hits with older classics to reach a wider audience. Sometimes the songs were a little corny, but what could you do?
After we tried a few and voted on the set list, we had an open forum where anyone could suggest a song, or an idea about arrangement.
“What about some more mashups? People go nuts for those,” Trent, one of the seniors, said.
“Good plan. How about everyone finds two songs to mashup for next week and we’ll give them a shot,” said Kent. Great. Just one more thing on my plate. Thankfully rehearsal ended before Kent noticed my lack of enthusiasm.
“See you in about five minutes,” Dusty said, getting into his VW Golf. I waved and got into my car. He really should just move in with us, but Renee would probably have a litter of kittens if he did. Because then that would mean her little sister was actually having sex on a regular basis and we couldn’t have that.
The house was quiet when I got back. Some evenings we were all there and crawling around on top of each other, and sometimes there were only one or two of us.
I found Taylor in the living room, reading a book. I savored staring at her as her eyes scanned her e-reader for a moment before I stepped forward and sat next to her.
“Hey, Missy,” I said, offering my lips for a kiss. She held an index finger up and I waited as she finished the chapter she was on. She sighed happily and then kissed me.
“Sorry, I was right in the middle. How was your day?” She rubbed my close-cut hair and I pulled her feet into my lap.
“Fine. Summer was telling me about her lesson plan and I’m pretty sure I have to redo mine because it sucks balls in comparison.” I made a face and she smiled at me.
“You know that’s not true. You’re smart and pretty and sexy and I totally love your brain. It’s my favorite brain of all the brains,” she said and I pinched one of her toes.
“Hey! I was giving you a compliment.” I growled at her and she just pretended to scowl at me. Dusty banged through the door a few minutes later and waved at us as he headed down to the basement where Jos’ room was.
“Hey, so I had a thought,” Taylor said. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me and she started fiddling with the ends of her hair.
Hm.
“Uh huh,” I said, motioning for her to go on.
“I was thinking that maybe you’d want to take a trip to Texas,” she said the words all in a rush, each one strung to the next.
I had no idea what to say to that. What did I say to that?
“Are you mad?” she asked and I shook my head.
“No. I’m not mad. I don’t know what to think, honestly. It never really occurred to me. My life is here, my family is here.” What family I still had. My parents had been buried in Texas, but I’d never had the urge to visit their graves.
“I know. But I thought maybe going back to the past might help you move forward. Ugh, I sound like a shrink from TV. But you know what I mean?” I did know what she meant, but I didn’t know if that was the answer.
“It was just an idea. You can say no, of course, and I’ll never bring it up again,” she said in a rush. I surged forward and silenced her with a kiss.
“I love how much you care about me. How much you care about everyone. I’ll think about it.” Her forehead was still creased with worry when she pulled away and I tried to use my fingers to smooth it away.
“I mean, we don’t even have to go right now. Maybe this summer?” I laughed.
“Oh, Missy, a Texas summer would eat you alive. Your pretty face would melt, my Maine girl.” I cupped her cheek and she scowled at me.
“I think I could hack it,” she said.
“Well, maybe we’ll find out.” She sighed and then stood up.
“My turn to make dinner. You want to help?”
I took her hand.
“Always.”
Since my last class got cancelled I took some time to play my guitar the next afternoon, looking for some good mashup songs, and coming up empty. I had the house to myself, which was both eerie and almost annoying. I didn’t have anyone to talk to.
After a while, I just started playing the songs I wanted and that made me feel better. I also played what I called “Taylor Songs” which were the ones that I sang just for her. I had quite a list of them going now and I added more all the time. As a joke, I started mashing Taylor Swift songs together. Seven would get a kick out of them the next time I visited. I wouldn’t share that one with the Steiners. Something told me that they wouldn’t appreciate it nearly as much as my sweet cousin. Which was a shame, because Taylor Swift had some really good stuff.
I was so lost in the music that I didn’t notice when Jos flopped down on the couch next to me. It was only her loud sigh that alerted me to her presence. Stopping mid-song, I turned toward her.
“Long day?” I asked. She rolled her eyes.
“You could say that.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I prompted. Sometimes she was like a steel trap.
She fiddled with the sleeves of her shirt. “Not particularly.”
“Okay then,” I said and started strumming again.
“It’s just that…” she said, trailing off. I’d had a feeling she would do that.
“Uh huh,” I said, trying to get her to go on.
“I want to move in with Dusty.” I had a feeling that was what it was going to be.
“Yeah? And you’re worried abo
ut Renee. Because she’s definitely not going to let you move into that POS apartment he has now, and she’s going to be equally opposed to him moving in here. So you’re kinda stuck, aren’t you?” Sighing, she picked at her nails.
“Yup, that’s pretty much it. And I have no idea how to even start talking to her about it because I know she’s going to fly off the handle if I even try to bring it up. She’s just so unreasonable sometimes.” Yes, that was true, but at least she was doing it from a good place. Jos and Renee came from another messed-up family situation. Their parents had multiple divorces and kids between them and Jos and Renee got overlooked for the younger ones. That was the main reason Jos had come to live with us in the first place. Because their mom didn’t know how to deal with Jos’ depression over losing her best friend. Yeah, the best friend who turned out to be Dusty’s half-brother.
Small fucking world.
“Yeah, I have no idea about that one. Maybe talk to Paul? He’d have a better idea of what words to say so she doesn’t go nuclear. If there are any words that involve Dust moving in that won’t make her lose her shit.” I laughed a little and Jos gave me a sad smile. Since Dusty had come into her life, she’d been so much happier. I understood Renee’s hesitation, but hell, Dusty made Jos smile and that was pretty epic.
“The other option,” I continued, trying to look nonchalant, “is to basically go behind her back, do it, and deal with the consequences afterward. I mean, if you’re asking me, I’m fine with him moving in. I know he’s not a slob and he would do his fair share. The house is big enough.” One of the reasons I loved this house so much (and not just because we were down the street from THE Stephen King) was that I could offer someone like Dusty a place to live. I remembered what it was like to be ripped from the only home I’d ever known in Texas and sent to Maine to live with my relatives and how jarring and intense that had been. If it wasn’t for the love of my aunt, uncle and cousins, I didn’t know how I would have gotten through it.
Family was important. Bottom line. And right now, Jos was Dusty’s family and he was part of hers.
“I’m sure that would go over really well,” Jos said. The door opened and my girl came in. The minute she saw me, her face broke into a smile.
“Hey, my love.” She skipped over and gave me a kiss. My heart went crazy. Every single time.
“What are you two up to?” she asked, as I moved the guitar aside so she could sit with me on the chair.
“Just trying to figure out how we can get Dusty to move in without Renee finding out about it,” I said. Taylor snorted.
“Well, good luck with that. You’re lucky she lets him spend the night now,” Taylor said to Jos.
“I know, I know. I’m lucky and blah, blah, blah.” Whatever else she wanted to say was interrupted by the arrival of Darah, then Mase, then Paul. Renee had a late lab, so she was going to roll in after most of us had gone to bed.
“If you want to talk to everyone about it, this is your chance,” I said in a low voice to Jos. “Just an idea.” She bit her lip and then got up to go give Dusty a kiss. He wrapped his fingers in her hair and beamed at her.
“Hey, Red.”
“Hey, Dusty,” she said, gazing up at him. He held her and kissed her thoroughly before they headed downstairs together. I didn’t need more than one guess to figure out what they were going to do before dinner.
“So, do you have any ideas?” I asked Taylor that night when we were in bed. These were my favorite times. When she was soft and warm and in my arms. I could talk about anything with her, and it was amazing.
“I really don’t know. Renee is a tough cookie to crack. She’s just so overprotective, which is a good thing and a bad thing to have in an older sister.” She rolled her eyes and I chuckled. I still remembered the first time I’d met her older sister, Tawny. I’d been wearing a towel and she’d threatened my junk with irreparable harm. She still wasn’t a huge fan of me, but we got along okay. It was as good as I could expect, probably.
“I could talk to her, I guess. But then I’m worried that she’ll go after Jos and we don’t need them fighting again. It’s miserable around here when they’re at odds.” It was moments like these when I knew, without a doubt, that she was going to be an amazing mother. Hell, she already mothered most of us anyway.
I couldn’t wait to be married to her. To be living in a house together and to see her with our first child. Fuck, that was going to be amazing. Part of me wanted to fast-forward to that and part of me wanted to freeze this moment just the way it was.
“We’ll figure it out,” I said, adjusting my arms around her. Some of her hair was in my face, but it smelled so good that I didn’t want to move it.
“Yeah, I guess. Are you feeling better today?” I took a deep breath.
“I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out if I have another nightmare.” I definitely wasn’t looking forward to trying to fall asleep. I’d debated trying to stay awake, or taking some medicine so I would sleep. Maybe everything would be fine. I hoped so.
“Well, if you do, I’ll be right here to wake you up,” she said, tilting her head up and kissing the underside of my jaw.
“You take such good care of me.”
“Same, Hunter. Same.”
He had another nightmare that night. And the next. I had no idea what the hell had triggered them, but neither of us was getting much sleep and I was starting to get crabby and pissy with everyone and the dark circles etched under his eyes were worrying.
At a loss for what to do, I took a moment between classes and called Hope. The only people who knew Hunter better than I did were his family. I’d thought about talking to Mase, but I just needed to talk to… a mom. I needed to talk to a mom who would have excellent advice. Hope definitely fit that description. She was the textbook definition of a mom. She could bake dozens of cupcakes for the PTA, organize a fundraiser, wash laundry and look fabulous while doing it. She was incredible.
The phone rang twice before she picked up.
“Taylor, how are you?” Her southern drawl was a ray of sunshine. I just adored her.
“I’m good. I just… I wanted to talk to you about Hunter.” There was a sharp intake of breath. “If you have time. You can just call me back if you’re in the middle of something.” Now I felt like an idiot.
I heard her say something in a low voice.
“Hold on, I’m just at lunch but I’m going outside.” I started to tell her that she didn’t have to do that, but she ignored me.
“There. Now, what can I do for you, honey?”
This had been a bad idea. Now she was going to worry about him when there really wasn’t anything to worry about. I didn’t think.
“He’s been having nightmares again, and I’m just worried about him.” She sighed sadly.
“Oh no. I’d thought he was getting over those. They were so bad when he first moved in. I don’t think I slept for two whole months for worrying about him.” I could picture that. Hunter may not have been her biological son, but that didn’t stop her from treating him like one of her own.
“He had them here and there when he first moved into the dorms, but they mostly stopped. He hasn’t had any for a while and then they just started up again. He’s also been getting distracted and he seems, I don’t know, distant? It’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to ask you if there was something I could do for him.”
“Oh, sweetheart. I know how much you love him. It’s one of the reasons we love you. You’re a part of our family now, and not just because you’re marrying Hunter. Have you talked to him?” I told her about my conversations I’d had with Hunter and what he’d said.
“Well, I think the only thing you can do is be there for him and tell him how much you love him. Would you like me to call and check in on him?” Those were the magic words.
“Would you? And if you can leave the fact that we’ve had this conversation out of it, that would be great.” It felt like lying, but I didn’t want him to know that I’d
gone behind his back like this.
“Sure, honey. I’ll call him and ask him if he wants to come down for another visit. Harper is always dying to see him. And we’d love to see you to, Taylor. You’re welcome anytime, with or without him. You know that, right?” My eyes got a little damp.
“Thanks, Hope. That means a lot. Thank you so much for everything.” I wiped my eyes and sniffed a little.
“Oh, Taylor, you call me whenever you want. Day or night. Or you can just show up on my doorstep and I’ll make you a glass of sweet tea.” Before I met her, I didn’t know that sweet tea was such a big deal in the south.
We hung up and I did feel a little better. Still, I wished I could do more. If only there was some way I could reach into Hunter’s dreams and fight his battles for him. I would do it. I’d do anything for him.
I didn’t want to be obvious in asking if Hunter had heard from Hope, so I just did a lot of lurking and waiting the next few days. We were both crazy busy with projects, work and, in Hunter’s case, the Steiners. He’d been trying mashups out on us for days, but wasn’t satisfied with any of them. I’d agreed to sing with him and, hours later, was now in danger of losing my voice.
To make the process more scientific, Renee had suggested that we write down each combo and then rate them on a scale of ten. Of course then Mase went and made paddles for everyone to hold up, like it was some kind of reality show. It was all fairly ridiculous, but Hunter was taking it very seriously.
“I just want it to be perfect,” he said, frowning at the list.
“It’s not going to be perfect, Hunter. Nothing is perfect. You just have to find two songs that don’t seem like they’d go together and then make them go together. Kind of like us. Doesn’t seem like we’d go together, but we do.” That made him smile and kiss me, which had been my goal.
“Hey, have you gone on YouTube and looked up other mashups?” Jos suggested. “I can search for you if you want.” She dashed downstairs and was back with her laptop.