Eleanor
When she saw Park standing at the bus stop on Monday morning, she started giggling. Seriously, giggling like a cartoon character … when their cheeks get all red, and little hearts start popping out of their ears …
It was ridiculous.
Park
When he saw Eleanor walking toward him on Monday morning, Park wanted to run to her and sweep her up in his arms. Like some guy in the soap operas his mom watched. He hung onto his backpack to hold himself back …
It was kind of wonderful.
Eleanor
Park was just her height, but he seemed taller.
Park
Eleanor’s eyelashes were the same color as her freckles.
Eleanor
They talked about The White Album on the way to school, but just as an excuse to stare at each other’s mouths. You’d think they were lip-reading.
Maybe that’s why Park kept laughing, even when they were talking about ‘Helter Skelter’ – which wasn’t the Beatles’ funniest song, even before Charles Manson got a hold of it.
CHAPTER 30
Park
‘Hey,’ Cal said, taking a bite out of his Rib-a-Que sandwich. ‘You should come to the basketball game with us Thursday. And don’t even try to tell me you don’t like basketball, Spud.’
‘I don’t know …’
‘Kim’s going to be there.’
Park groaned. ‘Cal …’
‘Sitting next to me,’ Cal said. ‘Because we’re totally going out.’
‘Wait, seriously?’ Park covered his mouth to keep a chunk of sandwich from flying out. ‘Are we talking about the same Kim?’
‘Is that so hard to believe?’ Cal opened his carton of milk completely and drank out of it like a cup. ‘She wasn’t even into you, you know. She was just bored, and she thought you were mysterious and quiet – like, “still waters run deep.” I told her that sometimes still waters just run still.’
‘Thanks.’
‘But she’s totally into me now, so you can hang out with us if you want. The basketball games are a blast. They sell nachos and everything.’
‘I’ll think about it,’ Park said.
He wasn’t going to think about it. He wasn’t going anywhere without Eleanor. And she didn’t seem like the basketball game type.
Eleanor
‘Hey, girl,’ DeNice said after gym class. They were in the locker room, changing back into their street clothes. ‘So I’ve been thinking, you’ve got to go to Sprite Nite with us this week. Jonesy’s got his car fixed, and he’s got this Thursday off. We are going to do it right, right, right, all through the night, night, night.’
‘You know I’m not allowed to go out,’ Eleanor said.
‘I know that you’re not allowed to go to your boyfriend’s house either,’ DeNice said.
‘I heard that,’ Beebi said.
Eleanor should never have told them about Park’s house, but she’d been dying to tell somebody. (This was how people ended up in jail after committing the perfect crime.) ‘Keep it down,’ she said. ‘God.’
‘You should come,’ Beebi said. Her face was perfectly round, with dimples so deep that when she smiled she looked tufted, like a cushion. ‘We have so much fun. I’ll bet you’ve never even been dancing before.’
‘I don’t know …’ Eleanor said.
‘Is this about your man?’ DeNice asked. ‘Because he can come, too. He don’t take up much space.’
Beebi giggled, so Eleanor giggled, too. She couldn’t imagine Park dancing. He’d probably be really good at it, if all the Top 40 music didn’t make his ears bleed. He was good at everything.
Still … She couldn’t imagine the two of them going out with DeNice or Beebi. Or anybody. Thinking about going out with Park, in public, was kind of like thinking about taking your helmet off in space.
Park
His mom said that if they were going to hang out every night after school, which they definitely were, they had to start doing homework.
‘She’s probably right,’ Eleanor said on the bus. ‘I’ve been faking it in English all week.’
‘You were faking it today? Seriously? It didn’t sound like it.’
‘We did Shakespeare last year at my old school … But I can’t fake it in math. I can’t even … what’s the opposite of faking it?’
‘I can help you with your math, you know. I’m already through algebra.’
‘Gosh, Wally, that’d be dreamy.’
‘Or not,’ he said. ‘I could not help you with your math.’
Even her mean, smirky smile made him crazy.
They tried to study in the living room, but Josh wanted to watch TV, so they took their stuff into the kitchen.
His mom said it was okay; then said she had stuff to do in the garage. Whatever.
Eleanor moved her lips when she read …
Park kicked her gently under the table, and threw crumpled-up pieces of paper into her hair. They were almost never alone, and now that they almost-practically were, he felt kind of frantic for her attention.
He flipped her algebra book closed with his pen.
‘Seriously?’ She tried to open it again.
‘No,’ he said, pulling it toward him.
‘I thought we were studying.’
‘I know,’ he said, ‘I just … we’re alone.’
‘Sort of …’
‘So we should be doing alone things.’
‘You sound so creepy right now …’
‘I meant talking.’ He wasn’t sure what he meant. He looked down at the table. Eleanor’s algebra book was covered with her handwriting, the lyrics to one song wrapped and coiled around the title of another. He saw his name written in tiny cursive letters – your own name always stands out – and hidden in the chorus of a Smiths song.
He felt himself grin.
‘What?’ Eleanor asked.
‘Nothing.’
‘What.’
He looked back at the book. He was going to think about this later, after she went home. He was going to think about Eleanor sitting in class, thinking about him, carefully writing his name someplace she thought only she would see.
And then he noticed something else. Written just as small, just as carefully, in all lowercase letters. ‘i know your a slut you smell like cum.’
‘What,’ Eleanor said, trying to pull the book away. Park held onto it. He felt the Bruce Banner blood rushing to his face.
‘Why didn’t you tell me that this was still happening?’
‘That what was still happening?’
He didn’t want to say it, he didn’t want to point to it. He didn’t want their eyes on those words together.
‘This,’ he said, waving his hand over the words.
She looked – and immediately started scrubbing the bad writing out with her pen. Her face was skim milk, and her neck went red and blotchy.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he said.
‘I didn’t know it was there.’
‘I thought this had stopped.’
‘Why would you think that?’
Why had he thought that? Because she was with him now?
‘I just … why didn’t you tell me about this?’
‘Why would I tell you?’ she asked. ‘It’s gross and embarrassing.’
She was still scribbling. He put his hand over her wrist. ‘Maybe I could help.’
‘Help how?’ She shoved the book toward him. ‘Do you want to kick it?’
He clenched his teeth. She took the book back and put it in her bag.
‘Do you know who’s doing it?’ he asked.
‘Are you going to kick them?’
‘Maybe …’
‘Well …’ she said, ‘I’ve narrowed it down to people who don’t like me …’
‘It couldn’t be just anyone. It would have to be somebody who could get to your books without you knowing about it.’
Ten seconds ago, Eleanor had looked mean as a cat. Now she
looked resigned, slumped over the table with her fingertips at her temples.
‘I don’t know …’ She shook her head. ‘It seems like it always happens on gym days.’
‘Do you leave your books in the locker room?’
She rubbed her eyes with both hands. ‘I feel like now you’re intentionally asking me stupid questions. You’re like the worst detective ever.’
‘Who doesn’t like you in gym class?’
‘Ha.’ She was still covering her face. ‘Who doesn’t like me in gym class.’
‘You need to take this seriously,’ he said.
‘No,’ she said firmly, squeezing her hands into fists, ‘this is exactly the sort of thing I shouldn’t take seriously. That’s exactly what Tina and her henchgirls want me to do. If they think they’re getting to me? They’ll never leave me alone.’
‘What does Tina have to do with this?’
‘Tina is the queen of the people in my gym class who don’t like me.’
‘Tina would never do anything this bad.’
Eleanor looked hard at him. ‘Are you kidding? Tina’s a monster. She’s what would happen if the devil married the wicked witch, and they rolled their baby in a bowl of chopped evil.’
Park thought of the Tina who sold him out in the garage and made fun of people on the bus … But then he thought of all the times that Steve had gone after Park, and Tina had pulled him back.
‘I’ve known Tina since we were kids,’ he said. ‘She’s not that bad. We used to be friends.’
‘You don’t act like friends.’
‘Well, she’s dating Steve now.’
‘Why does that matter?’
Park couldn’t think of how to answer.
‘Why does it matter?’ Eleanor’s eyes were dark slits in her face. If he lied to her about this, she’d never forgive him.
‘None of it matters now,’ he said. ‘It’s stupid … Tina and I went together in the sixth grade. Not that we ever went anywhere or did anything.’
‘Tina? You went with Tina?’
‘It was the sixth grade. It was nothing.’
‘But you were boyfriend and girlfriend? Did you hold hands?’
‘I don’t remember.’
‘Did you kiss her?’
‘None of this matters.’
But it did. Because it was making Eleanor look at him like he was a stranger. It was making him feel like a stranger. He knew that Tina had a mean streak, but he also knew that she wouldn’t go this far.
What did he know about Eleanor? Not much. It was like she didn’t want him to know her better. He felt everything for Eleanor, but what did he really know?
‘You always write in lowercase letters …’ Saying this out loud seemed like a good idea only for as long as the words were on his tongue, but he kept talking. ‘Did you write those things yourself?’
Eleanor paled from pale to ashen. It was like all the blood in her body rushed to her heart, all at once. Her speckled lips hung open.
Then she snapped out of it. She started stacking her books.
‘If I were going to write a note to myself, calling myself a dirty slut,’ she said it matter-of-factly, ‘you’re right, I might not use capital letters. But I would definitely use an apostrophe … and probably a period. I’m a huge fan of punctuation.’
‘What are you doing?’ he asked.
She shook her head and stood up. He couldn’t for the life of him think of how to stop her.
‘I don’t know who’s been writing on my books,’ she said coolly. ‘But I think we just solved the mystery of why Tina hates me so much.’
‘Eleanor …’
‘No,’ she said, her voice catching. ‘I don’t want to talk anymore.’
She walked out of the kitchen, just as Park’s mom was coming in from garage. His mom looked at Park with a face he was beginning to recognize. What do you see in this weird white girl?
Park
That night, Park lay in bed thinking about Eleanor thinking about him, writing his name on her book.
She’d probably already scribbled that out, too.
He tried to think about why he’d defended Tina.
Why did it matter to him whether Tina was good or bad? Eleanor was right, he and Tina weren’t friends. They weren’t anything like friends. They hadn’t even been friends in the sixth grade.
Tina had asked Park to go with her, and Park had said yes – because everybody knew that Tina was the most popular girl in class. Going with Tina was such powerful social currency, Park was still spending it.
Being Tina’s first boyfriend kept Park out of the lowest neighborhood caste. Even though they all thought Park was weird and yellow, even though he had never fit in … They couldn’t call him a freak or a chink or a fag because – well first, because his dad was a giant and a veteran and from the neighborhood. But second, because what would that say about Tina?
And Tina had never turned on Park or pretended he didn’t happen. In fact … Well. There were times when he thought she wanted something to happen between them again.
Like, a few times, she’d come over to Park’s house on the wrong day for her hair appointment – and ended up in Park’s room, trying to find something for them to talk about.
On homecoming night, when she came over to have her hair put up, she’d stopped in Park’s room to ask what he thought of her strapless blue dress. She’d had him untangle her necklace from the hair at the back of her neck.
Park always let these opportunities pass like he didn’t see them.
Steve would kill him if he hooked up with Tina.
Plus, Park didn’t want to hook up with Tina. They didn’t have anything in common – like, nothing – and it wasn’t the kind of nothing that can be exotic and exciting. It was just boring.
He didn’t even think Tina really liked him, deep down. It was more like she didn’t want him to get over her. And not-so-deep down, Park didn’t want Tina to get over him.
It was nice to have the most popular girl in the neighborhood offering herself to him every now and then.
Park rolled onto his stomach and pushed his face into his pillow. He’d thought he was over caring what people thought about him. He’d thought that loving Eleanor proved that.
But he kept finding new pockets of shallow inside himself. He kept finding new ways to betray her.
CHAPTER 31
Eleanor
There was just one more day of school left before Christmas vacation. Eleanor didn’t go. She told her mother she was sick.
Park
When he got to the bus stop Friday morning, Park was ready to apologize. But Eleanor didn’t show up. Which made him feel a lot less like apologizing …
‘What now?’ he said in the direction of her house. Were they supposed to break up over this? Was she going to go three weeks without talking to him?
He knew it wasn’t Eleanor’s fault that she didn’t have a phone, and that her house was the Fortress of Solitude, but … Jesus. It made it so easy for her to cut herself off whenever she felt like it.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said at her house, too loudly. A dog started barking in the yard next to him. ‘Sorry,’ Park muttered to the dog.
The bus turned the corner and heaved to a stop. Park could see Tina in the back window, watching him.
I’m sorry, he thought, not looking back again.
Eleanor
With Richie at work all day, she didn’t have to stay in her room, but she did anyway. Like a dog who won’t leave its kennel.
She ran out of batteries. She ran out of things to read …
She lay in bed so much, she actually felt dizzy when she got up Sunday afternoon to eat dinner. (Her mom said Eleanor had to come out of her crypt if she was hungry.) Eleanor sat on the living room floor next to Mouse.
‘Why are you crying?’ he asked. He was holding a bean burrito and it was dripping onto his T-shirt and the floor.
‘I’m not,’ she said.
Mouse held th
e burrito over his head and tried to catch the leak with his mouth. ‘Yeh oo are.’
Maisie looked up at Eleanor, then back at the TV.
‘Is it because you hate Dad?’ Mouse asked.
‘Yes,’ Eleanor said.
‘Eleanor,’ her mother said, walking out of the kitchen.
‘No,’ Eleanor said to Mouse, shaking her head. ‘I told you, I’m not crying.’ She went back to her room and climbed into bed, rubbing her face in the pillow.
Nobody followed her to see what was wrong.
Maybe her mom realized that she’d pretty much forfeited the right to ask questions for all eternity when she dumped Eleanor at somebody’s house for a year.
Or maybe just she didn’t care.
Eleanor rolled onto her back and picked up her dead Walkman. She took out the tape and held it up to the light, turning the reels with her fingertip and looking at Park’s handwriting on the label.
‘Never mind the Sex Pistols … Songs Eleanor might like.’
Park thought she’d written those awful things on her books herself.
And he’d taken Tina’s side against hers. Tina’s.
She closed her eyes again and remembered the first time that he kissed her … How she’d let her neck bend back, how she’d opened her mouth. How she’d believed him when he said she was special.
Park
A week into break, his dad asked Park if he and Eleanor had broken up.
‘Sort of,’ Park said.
‘That’s too bad,’ his dad said.
‘It is?’
‘Well, it must be. You’re acting like a four-year-old lost at Kmart …
Park sighed.
‘Can’t you get her back?’ his dad asked
‘I can’t even get her to talk to me.’
‘It’s too bad you can’t talk to your mother about this. The only way I know how to land a girl is to look sharp in a uniform.’
Eleanor
A week into break, Eleanor’s mom woke her up before sunrise. ‘Do you want to walk to the store with me?’
‘No,’ Eleanor said.
‘Come on, I could use the extra hands.’
Her mom walked fast, and she had long legs. Eleanor had to take extra steps just to keep up. ‘It’s cold,’ she said.
‘I told you to wear a hat.’ Her mom had told her to wear socks, too, but they looked ridiculous with Eleanor’s Vans.