Lileem was so intoxicated, by both the wine she’d consumed and the mind-altering effect of prolonged breath-sharing, she already felt as if reality was falling apart. The only thing that existed in the world was the combined essence of herself and this har. She had never felt like this with Mima. He put his hand beneath her shirt and she was sure her skin would be scorched. Flakes of it would turn black and float away, up into the night sky, to mingle with the cinders of the fires burning in the palace gardens.
She pulled away from his mouth, gulping for breath, feeling the night air sear her lungs. She could barely see: boiling specks of light occluded her vision. With great effort, she ordered her thoughts: remember what Mima said. Remember it! Her head was aching so much she thought it might explode, while her body ached in a different way that was not pain. She pushed Terez onto his back, lunged to nip his throat, ripped open his shirt. In the dim light, his skin seemed to glow. He was perfect. He seemed to be half-conscious and barely moved as she scrabbled to remove his clothing. For a moment she knelt over him, debating for the final time whether she could or should do this. Ultimately, reason had no say in the matter. She opened her trousers and pushed them down.
He made a strange sound as she entered him and his body shuddered beneath her. Lileem could not concentrate on observing effects. Neither could she be like Mima had been and bring this to conclusion swiftly. It was too sweet.
Dear, beautiful Aru, she thought, god of all gods.
Around her, the air was cracking open. She smelled an alien wind. So be it. Let it happen. She raised her head and her hair whipped around her face, tangled by cosmic breezes. There was a place. It was dark, so dark, and the sand there was scoured by an incessant storm. Booming sounds, like gargantuan machinery. An opening in the ground. Steps. Covered in sand. And the smell: like nothing. There is no smell like that. She felt she was climbing a ladder. A ladder of five rungs and when she reached the final rung, something would burst open, and there’d be another space beyond, and the rungs would be invisible in white light. It was the cauldron of creation and it would take them to this other place, the place of sand. In this place, all questions were answered.
At that moment, the tongue of her ouana-lim shot forth like the tongue of a snake and made contact with the fifth energy centre within Terez’s body. There was nothing she could do to prevent this. They both reached a climax and the otherworld shut down, like a series of great doors slamming, one by one.
Lileem poised shuddering, her upper body reared above Terez. She saw a shower of spectral light flecks falling down like snow. When they touched the ground, they disappeared.
Terez uttered a long, sighing groan. Lileem pulled away from him and lay by his side, cradling his head. His forehead and hair were damp. He was shaking and she thought it was from pain. She’d torn him, hurt him. ‘Terez,’ she murmured. ‘Say something. Speak to me.’
For a moment, he was silent, then he said, ‘Did you see that place?’
‘Yes.’
‘Where is it?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It was so real. And we were there. Nearly. Not a good place.’
‘It was just different.’
‘No. Bad. I know it.’
He went limp against her and she held him tight. The dark place. He’d been there before. She thought it was the place where he’d been trapped after Mima had snatched him from the Uigenna.
For an hour, Terez slept, his head on Lileem’s chest. She lay on her back, staring up at the treetops and the stars beyond them. For a few short moments, she had been among the stars. She had not been in this world. Was this terrifying? No. It was wondrous. It was perhaps the reason for her existence. She had a power, and only with hara could she access it. There were rumours that parazha had somehow disappeared completely, but that was because they were ignorant and afraid. Lileem did not feel that way. If she could get Terez and herself there, she could also bring them back. What was that place? She was convinced it was of great importance. It was the secret landscape that became accessible only if conditions were right. It might exist, right here and now, all around her, but invisible to her mundane perceptions. It was not like the otherlanes, not a rushing void, but a different world. She wanted to walk upon it. She wanted to descend the steps she had seen and find out what lay at the bottom.
Eventually, Terez stirred. He sat up and rubbed his face for several minutes, pressing his fingers deep into his eye sockets. Lileem was afraid he’d gouge out his own eyes. Then he shook his head wildly and stretched. ‘That, I presume,’ he said, ‘was what you meant about squishy reality.’
‘Yes. Wasn’t it amazing?’
Terez made a non-committal sound. ‘I wish we’d brought something to drink with us. I feel like I could drain the lake.’
‘It’s really important,’ Lileem said. ‘It’s something we need to know. All of us.’
‘Mmm,’ Terez murmured, in a way that signified: absolutely not.
‘Tell me you’re not interested. Go on – be like all the little hara who just do what they’re told and believe what they’re told. Tell me this isn’t yours for the taking.’
She could feel his attention riveted upon her.
‘What exactly did you see, Terez?’
‘It felt, for a while, like I was back in that hideous no place,’ Terez said, ‘but now, I don’t know. There’s something underground.’
‘I know. We have to find it.’
She could barely see him, but she could tell he was still staring at her. She could feel the stream of his thoughts. Whatever he might say, Terez wasn’t afraid. He didn’t fear anything. He was the only one. ‘I couldn’t stop myself,’ she said, ‘but we finished it too quickly. Somehow, we have to go beyond that, and not lose control.’
‘And if we get there? What then?’
‘We take a look around and come back.’
‘How, exactly?’
‘The same way we got there.’
He was silent.
‘Terez,’ Lileem said, ‘we can live in Roselane, safe little lives, and then die. Or we can take a risk and do this, and perhaps find out something important. I feel this so strongly. Don’t you think this was meant to happen? You and me drawn to one another, the only two hara in the world who aren’t stupid and scared, and are willing to take a chance?’
‘You flatter me,’ he said dryly. ‘I’m scared shitless.’
‘But that doesn’t mean you won’t do it.’
‘No, it doesn’t mean that.’ He groaned. ‘We can’t do this tonight. I’m sore and possibly bleeding.’
‘I’m not,’ Lileem said. ‘Mima said it was more powerful when she was soume. That’s what we have to do. You’re more experienced than I am. I’m sure there are more than five centres in the soume-lam. You could hold the moment and go beyond the fifth centre.’
He laughed. ‘Not sure many hara are that experienced, Lee. What you’re talking about – it sounds like conception. I’ve heard that there are two more energy centres, but they are only accessible during the intense aruna involved in creating harlings. Beyond the fifth centre, we are no longer just in our own bodies. It is communion with the source of all things, inside us and outside us too. We could give birth to rather more than another world here.’
‘I don’t care. In some ways, that would be a bonus, and a right smack in the eye to Tel-an-Kaa and her righteous kind, who say hara and parazha can’t come together.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Never mind. I’ll explain another time. Are you brave enough, Terez? Are you as brave as I am?’
‘Your strategy is transparent,’ he said, ‘and if I do this, it’s not because I’m trying to prove anything.’
‘I know. It’s because you want the knowledge, as I do. You were given a glimpse of something once, and you’ve never understood it. This is a way to find the answers.’
Ulaume was not really surprised when he realised Flick was no longer around. He lo
oked up at the mountains and there was a white spectre galloping up one of the hillsides. Even from this distance, Ulaume could tell it was Astral. The horse moved like no other: a sigh of vapour over the land.
Sighing, Ulaume went back to their original table, but all his friends had gone. Time to think. He had tried hard over the last few weeks to reach Flick, to claw out the root of the problem. Even Ulaume didn’t really believe it was anything to do with Terez. But Flick was unreachable. He was distracted all the time, eaten up by something of which he could not speak. It had got to the point where there was no contact between them, and Ulaume lay awake many nights, with what seemed like yards of cold bed between him and Flick, knowing Flick was also awake, a thousand troubling thoughts cascading through his mind. Did he now have to accept that his chesna-bond with Flick was over? Should he move out of the house? Should he find somehar with whom to spend the night? He rested his forehead against the table and groaned. It seemed an age ago when he and Flick had talked about being chesna. Simply by voicing it, Ulaume was sure he’d somehow killed it stone dead. And perhaps the first signal of the real trouble: the night when Terez had arrived and Flick had told Ulaume he loved him.
‘Go home,’ Ulaume told himself aloud. Think of the sand, of the silence, of Lianvis. Go back to him with a thousand new experiences to tell over a crackling camp fire.
But he knew he could never be happy among the Kakkahaar again. Lianvis probably wouldn’t even recognise him and no doubt had installed another har in Ulaume’s place years ago.
A hand on his shoulder prompted him to raise his head. Not for one moment did he think it would be Flick, but he was sure it would be Lileem. Instead, he saw Tel-an-Kaa towering over him. She was clearly surprised to see him upset. ‘Are you all right?’
‘No,’ he said. ‘If you’re looking for Lee, I’ve no idea where she is.’
Tel-an-Kaa sat down. ‘I can find her later. Don’t worry. What’s wrong?’
Ulaume knew he was about to open his heart to the Zigane, and once this was done, he’d have to make plans for the future. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but before the first words came out, Mima threw herself down beside him. ‘Lor, need to talk,’ she said.
‘Don’t we all,’ he muttered.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Tel-an-Kaa asked Mima.
‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘Family stuff.’ She paused meaningfully.
Tel-an-Kaa got to her feet and raised her hands. ‘Get the message. I’ll go and look for Lileem.’
‘Do,’ said Mima and her voice was cold.
Ulaume waited until the Zigane was out of earshot, then said, ‘What’s the matter?’
Mima scraped a hand through her hair, which was matted and wild from her frenzied dancing. Her breath smelled of wine. ‘Not sure,’ she said, ‘maybe nothing. Lor, Lee’s missing and so’s Terez.’
‘So? They might have gone home. You know what Lee’s like. She sometimes can’t hold her drink. Also, this is a massive crowd. You might simply have missed her. Nothing bad can happen to her here, Mima. Don’t worry.’
‘She’s not here, Lor, I know it.’
Ulaume shrugged. He really didn’t care. His whole life was lying in shattered little bits around his feet. ‘What do you want me to do about it?’
‘I think… I think she and Terez have gone off together. I think she’s going to do something stupid.’
‘Don’t be daft.’
‘I’m not. You must have noticed the way they are with each other.’
‘It’s just play. Terez knows Lileem is different. He wouldn’t desire her, Mima. No har would.’
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Mima snapped. ‘How can you be so… so… blind, prejudiced and pompous! Not all hara think we’re disgusting freaks!’
‘Hey, I never said that!’
‘Didn’t you? How dare you! How fucking dare you!’
‘Mima…’ Ulaume began, but then she smacked him in the face. Instinctively, he smacked her back, on his feet in an instant. He could feel his hair stir around his shoulders and he could smell burning. ‘You’ll never be har,’ he said. ‘You’ll never have what you want. Look on me and weep, sister!’
Mima stared up at him, her eyes wide. He could see lamplight reflected in them. They were bright with tears. She blinked. ‘The woods are burning.’ Her voice was a ragged croak.
Ulaume had no idea what she meant by that. He uttered a sound of contempt and began to walk away, but Mima grabbed hold of his shirt. ‘The woods are burning!’
He turned to look out over the lake and beyond it, he saw a strange purple red glow among the trees, like an autumn sunset. Other festival-goers were beginning to notice it too. They moved towards the lake, talking excitedly and pointing, perhaps thinking the light heralded the beginning of another firework spectacle. It was an aurora, hanging amid and over the tall trees: a dancing curtain of light. If you looked at it with half closed eyes, it seemed as if the very air was cracking and the radiance was pouring through from another world.
Mima jumped to her feet. ‘By Aru!’ she cried.
‘What?’
She began to run towards the trees, dragging Ulaume with her. He didn’t even attempt to ask where they were going or why. Mima’s fear streamed off her in hot waves.
Many other hara and parazha had been drawn to investigate the source of the light, but Mima and Ulaume reached it first. In the trees, beyond the lake and far from the party, they found a nest of radiance, emanating from within a thicket of ancient bushes. Mima let go of Ulaume and threw herself in among the tangled branches, tearing them apart fiercely. Ulaume pushed his way in behind her. He had a glimpse, just a brief, blinding glimpse of two creatures of light, which became one creature of light. Then the whole night exploded with a tearing crash and the light shot outwards. Ulaume and Mima were blown backwards into the bodies of those who had followed them. For a moment, Ulaume thought the world had ended, but then there was only blackness, intense blackness, and a terrible silence.
He was lying on the ground, on his back. His spine hurt and he felt movement beneath it, realised he was lying on Mima’s legs. She crawled out slowly from beneath him, staggered to her feet and went to investigate the thicket. Others were doing likewise, their voices low and frightened. A parage came forward with a lantern she must have taken from the side of the lake. This she gave to Mima, who disappeared among the branches. Ulaume could hear rustling, as if she was pawing through dry leaves.
After a few moments, she re-emerged. ‘Nothing,’ she said.
‘What was it?’ the lantern parage demanded.
‘I don’t know,’ Mima replied, ‘there’s nothing left to tell us.’
Ulaume knew at once she was lying. Whatever differences he and Mima might have recently had, he knew they had to close ranks now. Mima didn’t hand the lantern back to the parage who’d given it to her, even though she held out her hand to take it. It was clear Mima didn’t want anyone else investigating the bushes. ‘It must just have been a phenomenon conjured by the celebration,’ Mima said, ‘an earth light, an expression of the festival.’
In the lamp light, Ulaume could see that few were convinced by this. Some spoke of going to find Opalexian, even though she hadn’t been spotted all evening. ‘Yes, do that,’ Mima said.
The onlookers began to wander back to the party and Mima drew Ulaume away from them. ‘Where’s Flick?’ she asked.
‘Off riding in the night,’ Ulaume said. ‘What happened there, Mima?’
‘We have to find him,’ she said. ‘At once. Terez and Lee have gone.’
‘What?’
Mima glanced at the last few stragglers, who glanced back at them. ‘Not here,’ she said. ‘Do you know where Flick is?’
‘I saw Astral on one of the hills earlier. I think I know what direction he headed in, but…’
‘Then we have to commandeer a couple of Kalalim horses for the rest of the evening.’
‘Mima…’
&n
bsp; ‘They’ve gone, Lor, don’t you get it? She took aruna with him. The worst has happened.’
‘Where are they? Where have they gone?’
‘Aru, I don’t know!’ Mima snapped. ‘Somewhere else. Out of this world. Just gone.’
‘You don’t know that for sure. I saw something, but I wasn’t sure what it was.’
Mima sighed heavily. ‘Lor, I just hid their clothes, as best I could. It was them.’
‘Can we bring them back?’
‘I don’t know! I need Flick. Why am I so stupid? I should have known this would happen.’
If it was true, Mima seemed relatively calm, but Ulaume was aware of the fire in her eyes. She appeared calm because she was actually hysterical inside. He couldn’t take it in. He couldn’t believe it. But he knew that when any of them felt frightened, unsure or confused, they turned to Flick for sense and clarity. ‘We’ll find Flick. You’re right. He’ll know what to do. Come on. Some horse rustling is in order.’
Chapter Thirty Two
Flick’s only intention that night was to put a stop to the madness, to try and put right all that had gone wrong in his life. He hadn’t learned from his own mistakes and now was the time to change that.
He had seen Pellaz maybe half a dozen times since the first meeting, but what sent him out into the mountains, day after day, wasn’t pre-arranged engagements, but only the hope of finding Pellaz in the place where they’d meet. It was like an addiction, destructive and selfish, and recently Flick had had the sense to admit to himself it was similar to how he’d felt about Cal. Pellaz wasn’t damaged by the secret liaisons: Flick was. Their friendship wasn’t about love, as Lileem had suspected, or even aruna. It was as if a mighty fiery angel had descended from the centre of the universe to talk with Flick alone, and he craved it. His senses wanted to feast themselves upon the Tigron, not Pellaz Cevarro. Because even sitting near Pellaz, Flick was filled up with his power, his light, his energy. The sad thing was, he couldn’t enjoy the fruits of this proximity, because it had to remain secret, when all he wanted to do was climb on to the roof of the house and shout it out to the whole of Shilalama. If he spoke at all, he would betray himself. So, it was better to be uncommunicative and moody, to hide behind that disguise. Keeping this from Ulaume was the hardest thing of all. But Pellaz was determined on that point. And, oh, how he needed to talk.