"That took you long enough," he said. "What's going on? Is Dad okay?"
"He's doing better," she said. "But he wants to talk to you."
"About what?" He put down his cookie. "I'm not in trouble, am I?"
"No, nothing like that. He wants to tell you what's going on."
"Why can't you tell me?" He sounded anxious, and Ronnie felt her heart contract with dread.
"Because he wants to talk to you alone. Like he did with me. I'll walk you over there and wait outside the door, okay?"
He got up from his seat and headed for the door, leaving her to trail after him. "Cool," he said as he passed her, and Ronnie suddenly wanted to run away. But she had to stay with Jonah.
Will continued to sit, unmoving, his eyes fixed on Ronnie.
"Give me a second, okay?" she called to Jonah.
Will stood up from the table, looking frightened for her. He knows, she suddenly thought. Somehow he already knows.
"Can you wait for us?" Ronnie began. "I know you probably--"
"Of course I'll wait," he said quietly. "I'll be right here for as long as you need me."
Relief rushed through her, and she gave him a grateful look, then turned and followed Jonah. They pushed open the door and headed into the otherwise empty corridor, toward the hustle and bustle of the emergency room.
No one close to her had ever died. Though her dad's parents had died and she remembered attending the funerals, she'd never known them well. They weren't the kind of grandparents that visited. They were strangers in a way, and even after they'd passed away, she'd never remembered missing them.
About the closest she'd ever come to something like this was when Amy Childress, her seventh-grade history teacher, was killed in a traffic accident the summer after Ronnie had finished taking her class. She'd heard about it first from Kayla, and she remembered feeling less sad than shocked, if only because Amy was so young. Ms. Childress was still in her twenties and had been teaching only a few years, and Ronnie remembered how surreal it had felt. She was always so friendly; she was one of the few teachers Ronnie ever had that used to laugh aloud in class. When she returned to school in the fall, she wasn't sure what to expect. How did people react to something like this? What did the other teachers think? She walked the halls that day, searching for signs of anything different, but aside from a small plaque that had been mounted on the wall near the principal's office, she saw nothing out of the ordinary. Teachers taught their classes and socialized in the lounge; she saw Mrs. Taylor and Mr. Burns--two of the teachers Ms. Childress often ate lunch with--smiling and laughing as they walked down the halls.
She remembered that it bothered her. Granted, the accident had occurred over the summer and people had already mourned, but when she went by Ms. Childress's classroom and saw that it was now being used to teach science, she realized she was angry, not only that Ms. Childress had died, but that her memory had been erased so entirely in such a short period of time.
She didn't want that to happen to her dad. She didn't want him forgotten in a matter of weeks--he was good man, a good father, and he deserved more than that.
Thinking along those lines made her realize something else, too: She'd never really known her dad when he was healthy. She'd last spent time with him when she was a freshman in high school. Now, she was technically an adult, old enough to vote or join the army, and over the summer, he'd harbored his secret. Who would he have been had he not known what was happening to him? Who was he, really?
She had nothing to judge him by, other than memories of him as her piano teacher. She knew little about him. She didn't know the novelists he liked to read, she didn't know his favorite animal, and if pressed, she couldn't begin to guess his favorite color. They weren't important things and she knew they didn't really matter, but somehow she was troubled by the thought that she would probably never learn the answers.
Behind the door, she heard the sounds of Jonah crying, and she knew he'd learned the truth. She heard her brother's frantic denials and the answering murmurs of her father. She leaned against the wall, aching for Jonah and for herself.
She wanted to do something to make this nightmare go away. She wanted to turn back the clock to the moment the turtles had hatched, when all was right with the world. She wanted to stand beside the boy she loved, her happy family by her side. She suddenly remembered Megan's radiant expression when she'd danced with her father at the wedding, and she felt a piercing ache at the knowledge that she and her dad would never share that special moment.
She closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears, trying to block out the sound of Jonah's cries. He sounded so helpless, so young... so scared. There was no way he could understand what was happening, there was no way he would ever really recover. She knew he'd never forget this awful day.
"Can I get you a glass of water?"
She barely heard the words but somehow knew they were directed at her. Looking up through her tears, she saw Pastor Harris standing before her.
She couldn't answer, but she was somehow able to shake her head. His expression was kind, but she could see his anguish in the stoop of his shoulders, in the way he gripped the cane.
"I'm very sorry," he said. His voice sounded weary. "I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Your dad is a special man."
She nodded. "How did you know he was here? Did he call you?"
"No," he said. "One of the nurses called me. I'm here two or three times a week, and when you brought him in, they thought I'd want to know. They know I think of him as my son."
"Are you going to talk to him?"
Pastor Harris eyed the closed door. "Only if he wants to see me." By his pained expression, she knew he could hear Jonah's cries. "And after talking to the two of you, I'm sure he will. You have no idea how much he was dreading this moment."
"You've talked about it?"
"Many times. He loves the two of you more than life itself, and he didn't want to hurt you. He knew the time would come, but I'm sure he didn't want you to find out like this."
"It doesn't matter. It's not like it changes anything."
"But everything has changed," Pastor Harris countered.
"Because I know?"
"No," he said. "Because of the time you've spent together. Before the two of you came down, he was so nervous. Not about being sick, but because of how much he wanted to spend time with you, and wanted everything to go well. I don't think you realize how much he missed you, or how much he really loves you and Jonah. He was literally counting the days. When I'd see him, he'd say, 'Nineteen days,' or, 'Twelve days.' And the day before you arrived? He spent hours cleaning the house and putting new sheets on the beds. I know the place isn't much, but if you'd seen it before, you'd understand. He wanted the two of you to have a summer to remember, and he wanted to be part of that. Like all parents, he wants you to be happy. He wants to know that you're going to be okay. He wants to know that you'll make good decisions. That's what he needed this summer, and that's what you've given him."
She squinted up at him. "But I haven't always made good decisions."
Pastor Harris smiled. "All that shows is that you're human. He never expected perfection. But I do know how proud he is of the young woman you've become. He told me that just a few days ago, and you should have seen him when he spoke about you. He was so... proud, so happy, and that night, when I prayed, I thanked God for that. Because your dad really struggled when he moved back here. I wasn't sure he'd ever be happy again. And yet, despite everything that's happened, I now know that he is."
She felt the lump in her throat. "What am I supposed to do?"
"I'm not sure there's anything you can do."
"But I'm scared," she said. "And my dad..."
"I know," he said. "And though both of you have made him very happy, I know your dad is scared, too."
That night, Ronnie stood on the back porch. The waves were as steady and rhythmic as always, and the stars were flickering with pinprick intensity,
but everything else about the world around her seemed different. Will was talking with Jonah in the bedroom, so there were three people here as usual, but somehow the house felt emptier.
Pastor Harris was still with her dad. Pastor Harris told her he planned to stay through the night, so she could bring Jonah back home, but she felt guilty nonetheless for leaving. Tomorrow, her dad had tests scheduled during the day and another meeting with his doctor. In between those things, he would be tired and she knew he'd need his rest. But she wanted to be there, she wanted to be at his side, even if he was asleep, because she knew the time would come when she couldn't.
Behind her, she heard the back door squeak open; Will closed it gently behind him. As he approached her, she continued to gaze out over the sandy beach.
"Jonah's finally asleep," he said. "But I don't think he really understands what's happening. He told me he's pretty sure the doctor will make his dad all better, and he kept asking when his dad could come home."
She remembered his cries from the hospital room, and all she could do was nod. Will slipped his arms around her.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"How do you think I'm doing? I just found out my father is dying and that he probably won't live to see Christmas."
"I know," he said gently. "And I'm sorry. I know how hard this is for you." She could feel his hands on her waist. "I'll stay tonight so if anything happens and you have to go, someone can be with Jonah. I can stay around here as long as you need me to. I know I'm supposed to be leaving in a couple of days, but I can call the dean's office and explain what's happening. Classes don't start until next week."
"You can't fix this," she said. Though she could hear the sharpness in her tone, she couldn't help it. "Don't you get that?"
"I'm not trying to fix it--"
"Yes, you are! But you can't!" Her heart suddenly felt as if it were going to explode. "And you can't understand what I'm going through, either!"
"I've lost someone, too," he reminded her.
"It's not the same!" She squeezed the bridge of her nose, trying to stifle her tears. "I was so mean to him. I quit the piano! I blamed him for everything, and I didn't say more than a few words to him for three years! Three years! And I can't get those years back. But maybe if I hadn't been so angry, he might not have gotten sick. Maybe I caused that extra... stress that did all this. Maybe it was me!" She pulled away from Will.
"It's not your fault."
Will tried to take her back into his arms, but it was the last thing she wanted, and she tried to push him away. When he didn't let go, she pounded his chest.
"Let me go! I can handle this alone!"
But still he held her, and when she realized he wasn't going to let go, she finally collapsed into him. And for a long time, she let him hold her as she cried.
Ronnie lay in her darkened bedroom, listening to the sound of Jonah breathing. Will was sleeping on the couch in the living room. She knew she should try to rest, but she kept waiting for the phone to ring. She imagined the worst: that her father had begun to cough again, that he'd lost more blood, that there was nothing anyone could do...
Beside her, on the bedstand, was her father's Bible. Earlier, she'd glanced through it, unsure what she would find. Had he underlined passages or folded down pages? As she flipped through the book, she'd found few traces of her father, other than a well-worn feel to the pages that suggested a deep familiarity with nearly every chapter. She wished that he'd done something to make it his own, something that left behind clues about himself, but there was nothing even to suggest that he'd found one passage more interesting than another.
She'd never read the Bible, but somehow she knew that she would read this one, searching for whatever meaning her father had found within the pages. She wondered if the Bible had been given to him by Pastor Harris or whether he'd bought it on his own, and how long it had been in his possession. There was so much she didn't know about him, and she wondered now why she'd never bothered to ask him.
But she would, she decided. If she soon would have only memories, then she wanted as many as she could collect, and as she found herself praying for the first time in years, she begged God for enough time to make it possible.
32
Will
Will didn't sleep well. Throughout the night, he'd heard Ronnie tossing and turning and pacing in her room. He recognized the shock she was feeling; he remembered the numbness and guilt, the disbelief and anger, after Mikey had died. The years had dulled the emotional intensity, but he could remember the conflicting desire for company and the need to be left alone.
He felt sadness for Ronnie and also for Jonah, who was too young to grasp it at all. And even for himself. During the summer, Steve had been incredibly kind to him, as they'd spent a lot more time at Ronnie's than they had at his house. He liked the quiet way he cooked in the kitchen and the easy familiarity he shared with Jonah. He'd often seen the two of them out on the beach, flying kites or playing catch near the waves, or working on the stained-glass window in quiet concentration. While most fathers liked to see themselves as the kind of men who made time for their kids, it seemed to Will that Steve was the real thing. In the short time he'd known him, he'd never once seen Steve get angry, never heard him raise his voice. He supposed that it could have had something to do with the fact that he knew he was dying, but Will didn't think that explained everything. Ronnie's dad was just... a good man at peace with himself and others; he loved his kids and somehow trusted that they were usually smart enough to make the right decisions.
As he lay on the couch, he reflected that he wanted to be the same kind of father someday. Though he loved his dad, he hadn't always been the easygoing man Ronnie had met. There were long stretches of Will's life during which he hardly remembered seeing his father as he worked to grow his business. Add in his mom's occasional volatility and the death of Mikey, which sent the entire family into depression for a couple of years, and there had been times when he wished he'd been born into a different family. He knew he was lucky, and it was true that things had been a lot better lately. But growing up hadn't been all cupcakes and parties, and he could remember wishing for a different life.
But Steve was an altogether different kind of parent.
Ronnie had told him that he would sit with her for hours as she learned to play the piano, but in all the time he'd been at the house, he'd never heard Steve talk about it. He hadn't even mentioned it in passing, and though at first Will thought it odd, he began to see it as a powerful indication of his love for Ronnie. She didn't want to talk about it, so he didn't, even though it had been a major part of their life together. He'd even boarded up the alcove because she didn't want to be reminded of it.
What kind of person would do that?
Only Steve, a man he'd grown to admire, a man he'd learned from, and the kind of man he himself hoped to be as he grew older.
He was awakened by the morning sunlight streaming through the living room windows, and he stretched before rising to his feet. Peeking down the hall, he saw that the door to Ronnie's room was open, and he knew that she was already awake. He found her on the porch in the same spot as the night before. She didn't turn around.
"Good morning," he said.
Her shoulders sagged as she turned toward him. "Good morning," she said, offering the slightest of smiles. She opened her arms, and he wrapped himself around her, grateful for the embrace.
"I'm sorry about last night," she said.
"There's no reason to be sorry." He nuzzled her hair. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"Mmmm," she said. "But thanks anyway."
"I didn't hear you get up."
"I've been up for a while." She sighed. "I called the hospital and talked to my dad. Though he didn't say as much, I could tell he's still in a lot of pain. He thinks they might keep him for a couple of days after his tests are done."
In almost any other situation, he would have assured her that everything would be fine, that it wou
ld all work out. But in this case, they both knew the words would mean nothing. Instead, he leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers.
"Were you able to get any sleep? I heard you wandering around last night."
"Not really. I finally crawled in bed with Jonah, but my brain just wouldn't shut off. But not just because of what's going on with my dad." She paused. "It was because of you, too. You're leaving in a couple of days."
"I already told you I could postpone it. If you need me to stay, I will..."
She shook her head. "I don't want you to. You're about to start a whole new chapter of your life, and I can't take that away from you."
"But I don't have to go now. Classes don't start right away--"
"I don't want you to," she said again. Her voice was soft but implacable. "You're going off to college, and it's not your problem. I know that might sound harsh, but it isn't. He's my dad, not yours, and that will never change. And I don't want to think about what you might be giving up, in addition to everything else that's going on in my life. Can you understand that?"
Her words had the ring of truth to them, even if he wished she were wrong. After a moment, he untied his macrame bracelet and held it out to her.
"I want you to have this," he whispered, and by her expression, he could tell that she understood how much her acceptance meant to him.
She flashed a small smile as she closed her hand around it. He thought she was about to say something when both of them heard the workshop door suddenly bang open. For an instant, Will thought someone had broken in. Then he saw Jonah clumsily dragging a broken chair outside. With enormous effort, he lifted it up and tossed it over the dune near the workshop. Even from this distance, Will could see the fury in Jonah's expression.
Ronnie was already moving off the porch.