I moved as quickly as I could so she would not be frightened at the sound of footsteps. When I looked in on her, I saw she was lying and staring up at the ceiling just as she had been doing when I had first seen her this morning, and, just as I had suspected, she hadn’t eaten her sandwich. In fact, it was still wrapped.
“Mother,” I called, and started toward the bed. She didn’t reply or turn to look at me. “Mother, I’m here. I didn’t go,” I began. “I see you haven’t eaten, either.”
I unwrapped the sandwich and put it on the plate.
“You have to eat something, Mother.”
She didn’t turn to me. I paused. Something was different about her. I put the plate down and touched her arm. It felt cold. I shook her.
“Mother!”
She didn’t move.
It struck me first in the stomach and then moved up my body like a sheet of ice, freezing me so that I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak, either. Gradually, by inches at a time, I lowered myself to lean toward her and put my lips to her cheek. It was like kissing a statue. My eyes went to the night table and the bottle of tranquilizers. It was over on its side. I picked it up and looked in it.
It was empty.
And Mother was gone. She had taken them all at once. It felt as if someone or something was beating on my bones. The reverberation shook my very brain.
I looked at Mother’s tranquil face and her glassy eyes staring at nothing. Her mouth was slightly opened.
The screams I heard sounded as if they were coming from outside the room, coming from someone else.
When they were actually coming from me!
Sorrow
I FUMBLED FOR the phone. My fingers seemed detached, but I managed to tap out Cassie’s cell-phone number. It rang and rang and rang until her answering service came on. I didn’t want to talk to some machine, so I tried to call again, and again it rang and rang, and again the answering service started. I sat there for what must have been close to a half-hour, calling continuously, crying, hanging up at the sound of the answering service, and calling again. Finally, she answered, and for a moment, all I could say was, “Cassie.”
“What is it, Semantha? Daddy has just introduced the governor. We’re running a little late. Semantha?”
“It’s … Mother …”
“What about her? Hey, don’t move that, please. We want that there!” she shouted at someone. “What, Semantha? You didn’t go up too early and get her upset, did you?”
“No, I waited, Cassie. Cassie …”
“What, already? By the time you tell me why you’re calling, I’ll be on social security.”
“She’s not moving; her eyes are open, but she won’t move, and she feels cold.”
Cassie was silent.
“Cassie, did you hear me?”
“What are you saying, Semantha?”
“I think … Mother’s dead. The pills are all gone. The bottle is empty. She took too many pills!”
“Now, listen to me, Semantha. Don’t go in there. Go to your room and wait.”
“Are you going to tell Daddy?”
“No.”
“What?”
“I can’t tell Daddy that now. Are you crazy? He’s on the stand with the governor of Kentucky, a senator, and a mayor. I’ll tell him after it’s all over. Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe she’s just in a deep sleep.”
“Cassie …”
“Do what I said, Semantha. Don’t call anyone else. Just go to your room. Semantha! Are you listening to me?”
“Yes. Oh, Cassie … Mother …”
“Look, as soon as I can, I’ll call Dr. Moffet. Stay in your room. I’ll call you when I reach him. Okay?”
“Okay.”
She hung up. I sat holding the receiver for minutes, not moving, afraid that if I did, I would fold up on the floor as if all my bones had turned to jelly. I looked back at Mother, who still hadn’t moved a muscle. I couldn’t just stay there staring at her, so I ran from her room to mine, throwing myself onto the bed. I sobbed and sobbed until my ribs ached. Then I curled up in a fetal position and held myself tightly.
Maybe Cassie was right, I hoped. I supposed I could be mistaken. What she said made sense, I told myself. Mother’s just in some sort of a coma or deep sleep. Mother can’t be … gone. The doctor will be here soon, and he’ll make her better. Surely, it was all just a misunderstanding. I’m such a fool to panic like that. I deserve to be blamed, bawled out. I’m no doctor. Just because someone feels cool doesn’t mean she’s gone. Yes, I convinced myself, I made a mistake, a terrible mistake. It’s good that Cassie hasn’t called back yet. I’ll have time to do something, and then, when Mother shows she’s all right, I’ll call Cassie again and tell her not to worry.
I leaped up, wiped my cheeks dry, and headed back to Mother’s bedroom. Seeing that she still hadn’t moved at all sank my heart again, but I charged forward and seized her hand to pump her arm and wake her.
“Mother, it’s Semantha. I’m sorry I left you. You’ve got to try to wake up. Please, please.”
I was shaking her whole body now, but she didn’t move. Her eyes remained opened, locked in that ghastly gaze. How could she be in a deep sleep with her eyes open? I asked myself, and then remembered seeing someone in a coma on television, a woman who had her eyes open. The medicine simply had Mother out cold. I had to get her to hear me, to come back. I dropped her hand to the bed and started to unwrap her sandwich.
“Listen to me, Mother. You have to eat something. That’s what’s wrong. You lack energy. Just take a small bite. Please, Mother,” I begged, holding the sandwich close to her mouth. I stood there holding it for a few more moments, and then I nodded, imagining that I knew what was wrong.
“Oh, I know. You don’t like what Cassie made. Yes, it looks dry. There’s some freshly made chicken. I’ll go make you a new sandwich. It’s no problem. I’ll be right back.” I charged out of the room, practically running down the hall and down the stairway to the kitchen.
“Maybe I’ll cut it into the perfect four squares Daddy likes. You like it that way, too, sometimes, don’t you, Mother?” I muttered as I prepared the sandwich. “Cassie does it so well, but this doesn’t look bad. Oh, I’ll put a slice of pickle on the plate. You like that.”
When I was finished, I held it out and admired it as an artist might admire his newest painting or sculpture.
“Very good. As good as Cassie’s sandwiches, if I say so myself,” I declared, and went back up to her room.
Cassie had still not called back to tell me about Dr. Moffet. I wished she would now, so I could tell her I had prepared a new sandwich for Mother and was making new efforts to get her to come out of her coma. I hurried to her bedside.
“Look, this is a better sandwich, Mother. See the perfect four squares? You’re still not hungry yet? That’s all right. I’ll wait,” I said.
I put the plate down and pulled a chair closer to the bed.
“Actually, I’m glad we’re alone, Mother. I have so much to tell you, things I’ve been a little afraid of telling you. I never told you everything about my first date with Kent Pearson and what happened. I wanted to tell you, but Cassie made me feel as if I had done a bad thing, and I was a little ashamed. I know we should have had more mother-daughter talks like this. I wanted them, but Cassie always seemed to be between us. She’s not here now, so we can talk. Oh, I have so much to tell you about school, about my crush on Kent, about … oh, about the car accident. I wasn’t supposed to tell you, but I’m fine, and I learned a lot from it. It’s not right to hide things from you, anyway, Mother.”
I reached out and took her cold hand into mine, hoping mine would warm hers. As I held it, I went on and on until my throat ached. I don’t remember how long I sat there or what I actually got to tell her before I leaned forward and fell asleep holding Mother’s hand, but suddenly, I felt some strong hands waking me and lifting me out of the chair. I turned to see Daddy and Dr. Moffet. Daddy’s eyes were flooded with tea
rs. Dr. Moffet rushed to Mother’s bedside and began to examine her.
“Semantha,” Daddy said. Once again, I felt as if all the bones in my body had turned into jelly. I collapsed in his arms, and all went black.
When I woke up, I found myself in my bed. The door was open, and I could hear the voices of Dr. Moffet, Uncle Perry, Cassie, and Daddy. There were strange voices, too. A short time later, I heard footsteps drawing closer and saw Daddy come in with a short, stocky man in a jacket and tie. Daddy looked exhausted, so drained he seemed barely able to stand. His face was gray with sorrow.
“How are you doing, Semantha?”
I didn’t answer. I looked at the stranger instead.
“This is Detective Reynolds. The police had to be called. Can you tell him what you know about what happened?”
“How’s Mother? Did Dr. Moffet get her to wake up?”
Daddy shook his head. “She’s gone, honey. I’m afraid we’ve lost her.”
“I made her a better sandwich,” I said. “I thought if she ate something …”
I felt a trembling in my face. It was as if my body was in its own earthquake. Daddy sat on my bed and embraced me. He rocked me, and my tears flowed over my cheeks onto his shoulder. Then he lowered me to my pillow again and wiped my hair back from my forehead just the way Mother would.
“Can you tell Detective Reynolds what you remember, Semantha?” he asked. “Tell him what happened.”
I took a deep breath.“I don’t know what happened. I was downstairs waiting until it was two o’clock before I went up to see her.”
“Why did you wait until two?” Detective Reynolds asked.
“We didn’t want Mother to know I was home.”
“But why not, Semantha?” Daddy asked.
Before I could answer, Cassie came to the doorway and stood looking in at us.
“I waited until two, just as Cassie told me to,” I said. “I did, Cassie.” I looked at Daddy. “Cassie said it would upset Mother if she knew I hadn’t really gone to the gala, and she would call you, and you would be upset, and you had so much to do.”
“I didn’t mean for you to neglect her so long,” Cassie said. “I just told her to stay away long enough for Mother to think she had gone, Daddy.”
“But you said … I thought you said to wait until two, Cassie.”
“She’s just confused, Daddy.”
“Oh, God,” Daddy said, bringing his right thumb and index finger to his temples. “I should have insisted we have someone here.”
“It’s not your fault, Daddy. It’s mine,” I said.
“No, no, it’s not your fault or Cassie’s, Semantha. Both of you were doing what you thought best,” Daddy said. “I was simply too distracted with this opening.”
“And when you finally came up and looked in on her, what did you see?” Detective Reynolds asked me.
“She hadn’t eaten her sandwich. She hadn’t eaten much of her breakfast or her dinner the night before, so I tried to get her to eat something. I thought …” I looked past him at Cassie. “I thought maybe she didn’t like the sandwich Cassie had made, so I went down and made her a new sandwich with fresh chicken. I cut it in four equal parts. That’s the way Daddy likes his sandwiches, and sometimes Mother does, too.”
“She was talking to you?” he asked.
“No. She was just looking up at the ceiling and not moving.”
“Then how did you know she didn’t want the first sandwich?” Detective Reynolds asked me.
I started to cry again.“She wouldn’t eat it.”
“She’s not making any sense,” Daddy muttered. “I’m sure she’s in a bit of shock. Let her rest. I’ll bring her around, or you can return if necessary,” he told Detective Reynolds.
He nodded and turned to leave.
Daddy stroked my hair and smiled. “You stay here and rest a while, Semantha. Cassie will stay with you. I have things to do.”
He followed the detective out, and Cassie came in and stood by the window looking out.
“You did tell me to stay away from her until two o’clock, right, Cassie?”
“It was such a wonderful day for us,” she said instead of answering. “Daddy has the DVD to play back, so you’ll see. How horrible for this to have happened today of all days. She just couldn’t let him have his day.”
“It’s my fault, isn’t it? I should have gone up to check on her earlier.”
“Stop it. You heard Daddy,” she snapped at me. “It’s no one’s fault.”
“Was it an accident, Cassie?” I asked.
She just stood there looking out without speaking for a few moments and then finally turned and shook her head. “An accident? Emptying all those pills into her stomach? How could that be an accident, Semantha? What have I told you about not facing realities, about fantasizing and pretending things aren’t what they are? You’re almost an adult now, Semantha. You have to put away this childish behavior. Things are going to change radically for us. We all have to be stronger, and we have to support each other, protect each other, and especially you and I have our work cut out for us to help Daddy get through this and go on. Do you think you can do that without moaning and whining and fantasizing your way out of difficulties? Well? Do you? I’d like to know.”
“Yes, Cassie,” I said. “But Mother …”
“She’s broken all our hearts. Now, we must mend then,” Cassie said.
She came toward me slowly and put her right palm flat against my forehead.
“Don’t worry. I’ll give you as much of my strength as I can so that you can be stronger.” She closed her eyes and kept her hand on my forehead. Maybe I was imagining again, but it did feel as if something electrical, some energy, traveled down her arm and into my head. I closed my eyes, too.
When I opened them, she had taken her hand away, but had brought her face close to mine and kissed me on the cheek.
“Haven’t I always been more like a mother to you? Haven’t I always stepped in to do the things she neglected to do? Rest, little one,” she said. “There’s much to be done.”
She straightened up quickly, adjusted her dress, and walked out to join the others. A little while later, Dr. Moffet came in to see me.
“How are you doing, Semantha?” he asked. He sat on my bed and took my hand. “Your father’s very worried about you. It’s a shocking thing to have happened, for a child to see.”
“I waited too long,” I said. “I shouldn’t have waited.”
“Your father told me everything. You and Cassie thought you were doing the right thing, Semantha. I’m sure your mother thought she was doing what was best for all of you. It’s unfortunate that none of us fully understood how depressed she was, but it won’t help now to blame yourself. You want me to give you something to help you sleep?”
“No,” I said quickly. I hoped I would never take another pill again.
He nodded. “I understand. Well, I’ll be only a phone call away. You take care of yourself. You girls have to look after your father now. It hasn’t fully hit him yet.” He patted my hand and stood. “I’ve very sorry about all this.” He looked as if he might cry himself.
Later, when Cassie returned to my room, the thing that seemed to bother her the most was that the police were calling Mother’s death a suicide, so we couldn’t tell people it had been an accident, a mix of medicines, or something unintended.
“It will be treated like some sort of a scandal,” she said, “and just when we were getting all this positive press for our stores and Daddy. You can’t imagine how difficult it’s going to be for him to face his employees and the public. I’m sure they’ll find a way to blame it on him.”
“Why?”
“Why? They’ll say he made his wife feel terrible about losing Asa.”
“She did feel terrible, Cassie. Dr. Moffet said she was very depressed.”
“But not because Daddy made her feel that way, and don’t you ever say otherwise,” she said with her eyes wide. After a momen
t, she calmed. “You saw how loving and devoted he was to her, how he tried to get her to get better.”
“The other students in school will look at us the same way, then, when we return, won’t they? They’ll make us feel guilty or strange.”
“Don’t worry yourself about it. We’re not returning to school,” she said.
“What? What do you mean? Why aren’t we?”
“You’re going to have home schooling, tutoring, and then next year, you’ll go to a private school.”
“What about you?”
“I told you I was quitting to be with Daddy. Now it’s definite. He needs me more than ever.”
“Does he know what you intend to do? Did Daddy say I should be home-schooled?”
“No, he doesn’t know any of this yet. He’s too much in mourning right now to hear anything. At the right moment after the funeral, I’ll speak to him and get everything arranged for you. Don’t say anything about this to him until I have the conversation with him. For now, I have to prepare for people who will start calling to give condolences. Of course, most of them will come out of sick curiosity, but there’s nothing we can do about it. We can’t shut them out.
“What we will do,” she continued, “is be strong and not let anyone see us being weak. Be somber, but Heavenstones don’t cry in front of strangers, understand? I’m hiring some help to prepare and serve during the period of mourning. I’m not cooking and baking for a bunch of strangers.”
“When will they come?”
“It will start tomorrow. It doesn’t take long for bad news to whip through the community. I’m going to work on that right now.”
“Where is Daddy?”
“He’s waiting for the ambulance.”
“Ambulance? Isn’t it too late?”
“Oh, Semantha. You’d think you would know more, at least from those novels you read. There will have to be an autopsy. There’s little or no question about the cause of her death, but the law requires it, so she’ll be taken to the hospital morgue and examined. In the morning, Daddy and I will go to the funeral parlor and start arrangements.”