“Matt….” she breathed.
While his tongue slipped inside her mouth again, he lifted her leg, resting her foot on the rim of the tub. Matt, Julie noticed, might be socially inept in a myriad of ways, but he was anything but inept now. Everything he did was effortless, smooth. His hand glided over her back, then down lower, pulling her against him for a minute, and then letting her fall away so he could continue gliding that hand to the top of her leg, to her inner thigh, between her legs….
Julie had to pull her mouth from his so that she could breathe. She dropped her head forward, resting against his chest as he worked his hand against her. Just as she was getting close to being as heated as she ever had with anyone, he stopped.
“No,” she murmured, hearing the whimper in her tone. “Keep going.”
He lifted her chin up, kissed her cheek, and put his mouth by her ear. “We’re going to take our time.”
She groaned, making him laugh. “But you said what I want, when I want. I want now.”
He laughed again. “Trust me.”
So, because she did trust him completely, she didn’t protest as he washed her hair, soaped every part of her body, and teased her with lingering, unhurried touches. Besides, she knew that two could play at this game, so she returned the tease, taking the time to let herself get comfortable with him and with everywhere that her hands were starting to explore. It was impossible not to take a certain kind of satisfaction as Matt bit his lip when she let her hand graze between his legs.
She was surprised at how easy it was to be with anyone like this. She was… touching him. Quite intimately. Shouldn’t she be more nervous? More self-conscious? But she wasn’t. It didn’t matter to her that she hadn’t exactly been doing crunches and lunges all year in preparation for Matt seeing her naked because they were about more than that.
Later, in bed, Julie knew that no one had ever been so grateful to have the hot water run out. Not that she had anything to compare it to, but whatever Matt was doing with his tongue to her under the sheets right now was pretty unbelievable. Technically, what he was doing to her for the second time, but she wasn’t about to bring numbers and math and geekiness into this. Although the thought occurred to her that, considering Matt took every conceivable thing to an outrageously academic level, there was an extremely good chance that he’d extensively researched female anatomy and become some sort of expert on the subject.
But since he was the first person to make her body tremble in a way that only she had made happen before…. Well, from now on, she would never complain when he got so engrossed in his laptop that he failed to hear anything that she was saying.
God, he was thorough and attentive in a way she couldn’t have dreamed of. Julie moved her hand down, stroking his shoulder. She was nearly delirious.
But it wasn’t just what he was doing to her physically that was making her so euphoric. It was him, being close with him. Trading touch, and sound, and taste with the person she cared so much for. How, even though she didn’t know exactly what to do, Matt relaxed her, guided her, responded to her. Julie knew that for so much of their time together over this past year, she had been the one in control, steering him in different directions with Celeste, trying to bring him out of his own shell, and helping him find himself again in the craziness of his family. Now it was his turn to lead her, to be in charge, and she needed that from him. She liked that he was taking care of her. He would do what he was doing to her right now for the rest of the night if she let him.
And that one thought did interrupt her absolute bliss.
Julie reached her hand down and lured Matt up to her. She kissed him deeply, showing him how much she wanted him. “Matt?”
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Matthew Watkins, are you stalling?”
“Am I what?”
“Are you stalling?”
“What…? Why are…? Do you want me to stop? Julie, we can stop anytime you want to. You know that, right?”
He sounded so cute and worried that it just confirmed her thought. “You are stalling.”
Matt slid his arms underneath her shoulders and held her. He didn’t say anything for a minute, but she had learned to wait him out. “Maybe a little,” he whispered.
“Why?”
“Julie, until this morning, I thought that I’d lost you. That maybe I’d never even had you to lose at all. And now you’re here, and….”
“Matt.” Julie kissed him again, reassuring him.
He dropped his head, nuzzling into her neck. “I don’t want to lose you. Not again.”
“You won’t.”
“What if this changes things? What if we’re moving too fast, and you flip out tomorrow, and that’s the end? I don’t want that to happen.”
She lifted his face and made him look at her. The light from the hallway was enough that she could see how genuinely scared he was. Trusting—after being failed by so many, including her—must be incredibly hard for him. “This is not happening too fast. How could it be? We’ve been together in one way or another for a year now. I want this. I want you. I know without any doubt that I’m here right now for all the right reasons. And I know that you are, too.”
“I love you, Julie.”
“God, I love you, too. I do. I’m sorry about everything I said to you last spring. About not being able to love you. It took me a stupid amount of time to… to reconcile you and… Finn… as being all you.”
“I know what a complete idiot I was.”
“Stop. I’m not mad anymore in the least. I’m here now because I choose to be, not because I’m confused. I’m not going anywhere. Really. Tell me you believe me.” He didn’t say anything. “Matt, tell me that you believe me.”
“I’m considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this.”
“That’s not funny.”
“You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you.”
“Is it working? Because I am desperate to sleep with you.”
He was shaking. Not dramatically so, but enough. He was always so confident, preferring to change the subject than deal with what he didn’t want to discuss, and it was so unlike Matt to ever be nervous. To react in a way that he couldn’t control. She knew that he didn’t like it, that it made him uncomfortable, and yet it was a side of him that she absolutely adored when he let her see it.
“Matt? Matty?” She curled her hips up into him. “I want to feel you.”
He smiled now. “That’s it. I don’t care if you’re tricking me or not, you just killed any willpower that I had left.”
Julie sighed with relief. “Oh, thank God.” She stretched out an arm and groped toward the floor by the bed. “There’s a bag there. Can you get it?”
Matt propped himself up on one elbow and reached out, pulling a plastic bag onto the bed. He rustled with the plastic for a minute. “Look, Julie, I’m happy that you’re an advocate for safe sex and all, but—”
“Oh, no. I didn’t get the right ones?”
“Um, it’s not that. You must have seventy? Eighty condoms here? I don’t know what you’ve heard, but even the best of us have certain limitations.”
“I know that. I just wasn’t sure which kind you… liked. So I got an assortment.”
Matt leaned in. He kissed her, then ran the tip of his tongue over her bottom lip. “Then I say we test out as many as we can.” He pulled a box from the bag and lifted his body from hers.
Julie’s hands were in her hair as she struggled to control herself while she waited out the excruciating seconds it took him. She couldn’t stand having him away from her. There was nothing she wanted more than to be as close to him as possible, and these few moments were torturous. She could feel herself squirming on the bed, unable to control how nearly frantic she was for this. For him. Maybe she was supposed to be acting more… virginal… or something, but as she had said to Matt, they had already been having a relationship for many months. She was going to be
as frantic as she wanted.
Then his body was above hers, his chest barely touching her as he held himself up on his elbows, keeping his full weight just off of her. Matt kissed her mouth, her cheek, her neck. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?”
“For letting me be your first.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
He started to move inside her. Ever so slowly. Just a small movement at a time.
Julie arched her back and tightened her grip on his back. He stopped.
“Julie?” he asked softly.
“Yes. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re not. Don’t stop,” she told him. She moved her hands to his lower back, pressing on him gently. She could feel her breathing pick up. It wasn’t entirely true that it wasn’t hurting her at all, but it didn’t matter. He was perfect.
He eased further inside her and groaned, then pulled back a bit before sliding in even deeper.
She forced herself not to tense up, keeping her body relaxed so that she could take him in, because the small part of this that hurt was getting lost in everything that felt so right. She pressed her cheek against his. The touch she had on his back lightened, her hands starting to stray as she sought out more from him. He pulled out gently and started to find a rhythm, gliding in and out at just the pace she could take. Julie turned her head, slipping her tongue into his mouth. God, he was an amazing kisser. She flashed back to that night in his room, the first time that he ever held her in his arms and the first time that they had kissed. Both of them had had so many defenses up then, but it was hard to look back and not wonder how she could have let things between them stop that night. How had she not totally melted and made him continue to kiss her then? How had she not wrapped her body around his, taking everything that he could give?
Julie moved her hands between them, pushing against his chest. He straightened his arms, lifting up, continuing to rock his hips into her. She wanted to watch him now see how he looked as he made love to her. And it was love. She could see that in his eyes. Fine, there was lust there also, but it was the intoxicating combination of the two that was throwing her into sensory overload.
She looked down between them. He knew just how to handle her body, how to take care of her. She lifted into him, matching his rhythm. “God, Matt….”
He smiled softly at her.
“More,” she told him, her voice barely audible. It was hard for her to talk now. “More.”
Matt started to move faster, still steadily and evenly, but faster. She closed her eyes, letting herself drift into this. She ran her hands over his arms, his shoulders, his chest, starting to lose any bit of inhibition that was left. The only thing to do now was to let herself be pulled into this almost semi-conscious place, a place that held only the two of them and their craving, sensation, need. There was nothing else now.
They must have stopped the world. They just must have.
Julie listened to Matt. She could easily be overcome by his sounds. The small growl that escaped his lips as he started to grind harder into her. The change in his breathing that told her he was getting closer. The quiver in his voice as he said over and over that he loved her, that he wanted her completely, that she felt impossibly good. She wanted to stay like this forever. But with the way Matt was working his body against hers, she knew he was close. Julie wanted that so much for him. It didn’t matter that it was beginning to sting and that maybe she was using her hands on his waist to pull him in more than she should. She wasn’t going to slow down. After everything that he done to her and for her tonight, she wanted to give him as much pleasure as she could.
They were moving together now so smoothly. Julie wrapped her legs around his, and Matt groaned again, louder now. He slid one hand under her back, bringing them even closer together. “Matty,” she whispered to him. Julie gasped as his whole body tightened. She listened to him, took in his sound and the way he moved against her as he started to shake. She knew she would never get enough of this.
Eventually, he slowed. The minute that he caught his breath, his mouth found hers again, and he kissed her while he recovered, staying inside her. Julie trailed her hands through his hair, cradling him, loving him.
Matt took his lips away and sweetly rubbed his nose against hers. “You’re all right? I didn’t… hurt you? I’m sorry if… God, you felt so… mind-blowing. Everything about you is totally amazing. I got a little lost there for a bit.”
“I couldn’t possibly feel better right now.”
Still joined together, they stayed quiet, snuggling and drawing out the moments that came with the calm after the fervor. There would never be another moment just as significant and valued in the way this one was. They both knew that. They would find other moments—maybe even better ones—but none with the exact tone as this one.
Afterward, when it was time to leave that precious place, Julie glanced at the bag on the floor. “So, that’s one down, seventy-nine to go?”
Matt laughed. “I might need a minute. I can’t wait to go through your rather extensive collection, but I might need a minute.” He stroked his lips across her collarbone. “But until then, I’m sure we could find something else to do. Besides, you might be sore?”
“A little,” she admitted.
“Maybe I can help with that. For instance….” His mouth never left her skin as his lips trailed to her shoulder. She almost stopped him when he lifted his body so that he was no longer against her, but then those kisses found her breasts, later traveling down her stomach and not stopping until he was settled between her thighs. “If I were to do something very, very gently, perhaps I could distract you from any discomfort.” Matt moved his hands underneath her, lifting her into him.
As much as Julie admired his outstanding genius when it came to everything math, computer, and physics-related, she was much preferring the divine application of his smarts when it came to other things.
“Yes. I… I think that might work.”
And then they were both done talking.
About the Author
New York Times bestselling author Jessica Park mines the territory of love’s growing pains with wit, sharp insights, and a discernible heat and heartbeat. Her previous novels include Flat-Out Love and Relatively Famous, and her NA book, Left Drowning, will be out July 16, 2013.
Please visit Jessica on her website, Twitter, and Facebook for the latest news and silliness.
Left Drowning, Coming July 16, 2013
Weighted down by the loss of her parents, Blythe McGuire struggles to keep her head above water as she trudges through her last year at Matthews College. Then a chance meeting sends Blythe crashing into something she doesn’t expect—an undeniable attraction to a dark-haired senior named Chris Shepherd, whose past may be even more complicated than her own. As their relationship deepens, Chris pulls Blythe out of the stupor she’s been in since the night a fire took half her family. She begins to heal, and even, haltingly, to love this guy who helps her find new paths to pleasure and self-discovery. But as Blythe moves into calmer waters, she realizes Chris is the one still strangled by his family’s traumatic history. As dark currents threaten to pull him under, Blythe may be the only person who can keep him from drowning.
This book is intended for mature audiences due to strong language and sexual content.
Acknowledgments
Once again, Jim Thomsen provided lightning-speed editing and unfailing cheering throughout my writing career.
How Lori Gondelman catches the things she catches will always astound me, and I am in awe of her proofreading skills. Liis McKinstry and Maria Gowin also swooped in at the last minute to do final reads, and they are now stuck with me for life.
Without David Pacheco, my characters would be posting about weather and meals. So a big thank-you goes to Dave for writing all of the status updates for Flat-Out Matt and sharing a bit of his genius. Also
for bailing me out and making me laugh. His ego will totally stay swollen for more than four hours now, but you should still follow him on Twitter @whatdoiknow.
Andrew Kaufman got me through tough writing days because he knows how to “listen to Jessica, damn it!” He also has quite the Celeste fixation, which both she and I enjoy to no end.
Tremendous, unrelenting love to In Like Lions for allowing me to use the lyrics to “Shallow Cars.” James Bridges (guitarist and songwriter for ILL) wrote this gorgeous song, and I cannot recommend the band’s music enough.
Massive gratitude to the entire team at Amazon Children’s Publishing/Skyscape for the enthusiastic support they’ve given Flat-Out Love.
Most of all, thank you to my fans, whose Facebook and Twitter rallying for Flat-Out Matt absolutely stunned me. I could not have written this without you.
Jessica Park, Flat-Out Matt
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