Save Me
By Natasha Preston
Copyright 2014 Natasha Preston
The right Natasha Preston to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
All characters in this publication are fictional and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to my lovely beta readers and friends. Thanks for all that extra work you made me do... Ladies, I couldn't do it without you.
To Mollie Wilson from MJWilson Design for creating the cover.
And to my editor Eileen Proksch.
Dedication
Kirsty, this one could only ever be for you!
Chapter One
Tegan
I sat in the small family room with my mum and sister, waiting to hear if our worst nightmare - the one we didn't speak aloud in case we jinxed it - was about to come true.
Dad's parents and brother were on their way but at the minute it was just us three. I needed more people here; more to focus on so I could pretend the surgeons weren't fighting to save my dad's life right now.
The room we were in was all wrong. It was light and welcoming, with bright flowers in a tall vase on the coffee table. It was cheerful and gave false hope. Not everyone that came in here was going to leave happy.
Ava sniffed and wiped her nose. She and Mum clung to each other. They were close. I was close to Dad. Whenever anything bad happened it was just assumed Dad would comfort me, and Mum would comfort Ava. I wanted, needed, the support they were offering but I knew the only person that could do that was in emergency surgery.
"What's taking them so long?" Ava said. She already knew what. They were fighting to stop a pretty serious bleeding in his brain. I was terrified that they wouldn't be able to.
"He'll be fine," Mum said, nodding more to herself than anyone else.
I tensed my body, stupidly telling myself that if I just stayed as still as I could he'd be fine. That was ridiculous, though. If I sat as still as a statue or did cartwheels around the room it made absolutely no difference to what the outcome of the operation would be. That was all down to Dad and the surgeons.
We'd only been here forty-five minutes but it felt like hours, days even. Dad was already in surgery when we received that call. I didn't know how long something like that took to fix and I didn't know if it was a good sign that we hadn't heard anything since we arrived or not.
"Alison!" Nan said, bursting through the door. Tears streamed down her face, taking her mascara with it. Mum stood up and hugged her tight. They cried together for a minute before Nan pulled away and sat in Mum's seat between me and Ava and put an arm around each of us. Her son was in surgery but she was doing her best to comfort us.
Ava cried harder, turning to sob on Mum's shoulder on the other side of her now. I couldn't cry at all. I didn't want to. It would be like accepting there was a possibility that my strong dad wouldn't make it. Deep down I knew there was a chance that could happen, of course. He was going to make it, though.
Next in the room were Grandad and Uncle Sam, just minutes behind Nan. I watched them talk, exchanging comforting words almost animatedly but I didn't really hear a thing.
"Tegan, are you okay?" Mum asked softly. She knelt down in front of me, worry etched on her tear-stained face. How long had she been there for?
I nodded, at least I think I did. I didn't want her worrying. "I'm fine," I replied. Fine wasn't how I felt at all; petrified was a much better fit. She smiled and sat back on her chair, wrapping her arm around Ava again.
Waiting was excruciating. What if they came with bad news? What if they couldn't stop the bleeding? His car was hit by a lorry, what chance did he really have against that?
"Mrs Pennells?"
I leapt up with everyone else at the doctor's words. My world stopped. The doctor's face was blank, giving nothing away. I could feel my heart racing at a hundred miles an hour.
"I'm so sorry. We did everything that we could-"
I spaced out, muscles locking in position, hearing only the ringing in my ears as I tried to think of a way that I'd misheard that. Black spots danced in front of my face. My lungs burned where I couldn't get enough oxygen. Then I was falling.
***
When I came around the doctor was kneeling above me with my mum at the other side, sobbing hysterically. It hit me like a bus. Dad's gone.
A crushing, stabbing pain pierced through my body as I lay on the rough carpet. No. No, he couldn't die. He couldn't. I wasn't ready to lose him, I should be in my sixties, not fucking seventeen.
I opened my mouth but the suffocating pain stopped any sound coming out. I was plunged into ice-cold water, sinking lower and lower while the doctor tried to get a response from me.
I couldn't lose him. It already felt so painful I could barely breathe. How could I do it? The thought of getting off the floor made me want to curl up in a ball and stop existing.
"Tegan," Mum sobbed.
In a trance I sat up, falling straight into her lap. Her arms curled around me and we cried together. It was the first time Mum had really held me since I was a little kid.
"Mrs Pennells?" the doctor said once she was satisfied I was okay. "I'm sorry to have to bring this up now but I'd like to talk to you about organ donation if that's okay?"
I froze again and felt Mum nod against the top of my head. "Simon would want that. Do you need me to sign anything?"
"No, he carried a donor card. I just wanted to make sure you're aware that your husband is doing an incredible thing for others."
My mind finally pieced together exactly what that meant. His organs were going to be cut out. No! I wanted to stand up and scream. I couldn't move an inch. They couldn't cut him apart and take anything out of him. His heart? Were they taking his heart? That belonged to us. My dad was a person, not a body they could just take things out of. He was my dad and I wanted him whole. I wanted him back.
"Would you like to stay here and say goodbye when he's out of surgery?" she asked. When he'd had his organs removed, she meant. I didn't want to see my dad dead.
"Yes, I need to see my child," Nan said between heavy sobs.
"Of course. I'll come back soon."
Nothing was said as we waited for the surgeons to remove God knows what. Was there a limit to what they could take? Dad would have his wishes listed but what if they took everything anyway? No one would know. I didn't even know he was a registered donor. Why didn't he tell me that so I had some warning? Mum and Ava didn't look at all surprised, they knew.
I stayed curled up on Mum's lap the whole time they were cutting his organs out. Mum must have been uncomfortable - I was - but neither of us had the energy to move.
"Mum," I whispered, barely recognising my own voice.
"Y-Yes?" I didn't know what I wanted to ask. I needed her to tell me they got it wrong. I needed her to tell me that Dad was okay and would walk into the room any second. I wanted my dad. "Shh, we're going to be okay," she whispered. Liar.
Dad was the heart of our family. Nothing was going to be okay.
Time passed, I didn't know how much, but the doctor came back for us.
"Mrs Pennells? If you'd like to follow me you can come through now."
I looked up through blurred eyes and shook my head. I didn't want to see him like that.
Mum took a d
eep breath and stood up, lifting me with her. "You need to, Tegan. You have to say goodbye."
No, I didn't. I didn't want to tell the most important person in my life goodbye. "I don't want to," I replied, sitting down on a chair.
"Are you sure, sweetheart?" Nan asked, kneeling in front of me.
"I don't want to say goodbye." Why the fuck couldn't they understand that? My stomach turned and bile burned my throat. Sobs racked my body as I tried to stop crying. It hurt so much. I needed it to stop.
Nan nodded. "Okay, I'll stay with you."
"No, you go. You want to, and I want to be alone."
There was no way I was going to be the reason Nan didn't get to say bye to her son. I sat on the chair, gripping the seat painfully and forced myself to breathe deeply.
It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
I was fooling myself but I couldn't help it. I desperately wanted to believe it could be okay, that I would get through it. I was scared for the next few days, weeks and months. I didn't want to miss him. How would I deal with not seeing or speaking to him again? I breathed deeply through my nose, clenching my stomach muscles, just trying to stop from curling up and dying, too.
"Are you okay?" someone asked.
I jerked and looked up. A tall guy, maybe a few years older than me with ash brown hair towered over me. He looked down, eyes full of concern.
"No, I don't... I..." I'm drowning. I wanted it to stop. I wanted my heart to stop hurting, I wanted to shout and scream and hide. I felt like I itched all over, like my skin was crawling, like I was being held down and bugs were crawling all over me. I was too hot, too cold, too empty and alone.
He sat next to me, drawing my attention back to him while what I assumed was his Mum, brother and sister sat over on the other side of the room. They all looked alike, the same shade of light brown hair and light green eyes.
"I'm Lucas," he said, giving me a warm smile. His voice was deep but friendly. I didn't want to talk to him, as nice as he seemed. I didn't feel that I could even hold a conversation right now. I wanted to be far, far away. The others didn't say anything, just sat there and twiddled their thumbs or started clock watching.
"Tegan," I whispered, clearing my sore throat.
"Are you here alone, Tegan?"
I shook my head. "No, they're saying...goodbye."
I didn't see his reaction but it took him a minute to talk again. "You're not?"
"Can't." Out of the corner of my eye I saw him nod his head.
We fell into silence, which suited me fine, but I could tell he was searching for something to say. Maybe he needed to keep busy to pass the time? "Are you okay?" I asked.
He nodded, though his eyes told me otherwise. "Yeah. Do you want to talk about it?"
No. I didn't want it to be happening, and I certainly didn't want to talk about it. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself.
"Okay," he said.
We sat mostly in silence, until Mum and Ava came back, clinging to each other and crying. Nan, Grandad and Sam were just behind. I didn't move. Lucas's mum, who'd tried to talk to me a few times, stood up.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," she said.
They'd managed to get that much out of me. They knew I'd lost my dad.
"Thank you," Mum whispered, frowning and taking my hand.
"I'm Emily. Your daughter told us what happened. If there's anything we can do? A lift home?"
"Alison. Thank you but I've got my car." Taking a deep, composing breath, Mum asked, "Are you okay, Emily?"
"I'm not sure. I should be. I am. I'm scared. My husband's needed a heart transplant for six months and he's finally getting it."
I sank deeper into the water.
Chapter Two
Tegan
I woke up and the pain of missing Dad hit me hard again, same as ever morning since he died. Getting out of bed took a hell of a lot of effort and I could quite happily stay curled up under the covers all day.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs was when I heard Mum and Ava talking and crying together in the living room. That was the same every day, too. It'd been four days since his funeral and I hadn't been able to cry since. Something was wrong with me. Dad meant everything to me, he was the person I turned to, the one that made sense of the world, and the one that taught and guided me. He would've told me what to do but he was gone and I didn't even know how to grieve. I was a zombie.
I turned the corner and saw them huddled up on the sofa together. They helped each other so much. Mum was to Ava what Dad was to me. She would be okay. Mum was holding her up. She was trying to do that for me, too, but I just felt disconnected. All I knew was that it hurt so much more than words could describe and nothing was helping to ease it at all.
Dad's things were all over the house. I wanted to hide every single thing that reminded me of him but they wanted them around. They wanted to feel close to Dad and I wished I could forget.
"Tegan," Mum said, holding her hand out. "Come here, sweetheart."
My stomach turned. I didn't want to sit with them, hear them talking about him and crying. I hated when my mum cried. She was the strong one; my parents had always kept a strong front for me and Ava. Mum didn't cry in front of us and right now she was a mess. Every time I saw that look in her eye or heard her sobbing I felt like I was being ripped open all over again. It wasn't enough that I lost my dad but my mum had to be in pain, too. It wasn't fair.
"I-I need a drink," I said, spinning around and making a run for the kitchen.
Breathing heavily over the sink, I took deep breaths to try to calm my queasy stomach.
On the counter was another frozen meal defrosting. People brought us food. Mum's friends came every couple of days since he died with meals. Everyone was too nice. I wanted things to be normal, not for people to look at me in sympathy.
"Tegan, you okay?" Ava asked.
I turned around and looked in her tear-stained eyes. "I'm fine."
I wasn't fine. I was drowning, but the person that could tell me how to stop was gone.
"I'm thinking of going out today, there's only so long I can spend looking at the same four walls. You want to come? It might be good for all of us to get out of the house, take our mind off everything."
That was what I wanted. I wanted my mind somewhere else, somewhere my dad hadn't died and I didn't feel like I was so completely lost and alone.
"Yeah, I'll come."
I regretted it. The second we got into town and the people that knew what'd happened stopped to offer their condolences or the ones that pretended they hadn't seen us because they didn't know what to say.
My friends were in Starbucks and I watched through the window as they laughed and messed around, throwing wadded up napkins in empty coffee cups. A few weeks ago that was me, too. Every one of them had tried calling or coming over and I ignored them or sent them away every time. I couldn't do it.
My best friend, Sophie, the one that I did still talk to because she didn't mention Dad, knowing I didn't want to talk, looked over and stood up. Shit, I hadn't wanted any of them to see me.
I felt like running to the bookshop next door to find Mum, but Sophie was already halfway to the door and I didn't want to hear Mum having a conversation about my dad with the lady that owns the shop.
"Tegan, hey," she said.
"Hey."
"You want to join us?"
"No, thanks. I'm here with Mum and Ava."
"Okay, cool. You up for a party at Adam's tonight? His parents are on their annual South of France holiday."
I didn't want to say yes but I kept thinking about what Ava said about getting out and taking my mind off what'd happened. "Sure, I'm in."
"Great! I'll get Adam to pick you up, too."
"It's at Adam's house."
"I know, but I don't like to walk and he's too nice." She laughed and tucked her short, dark blonde hair behind her ear. "Pick you at up eight."
"Thanks, Soph."
She grinned. "No worries. Bye, hun."
Mum and Ava came out a few minutes later. "Lunch now?" Mum asked.
"Sure. Is it okay if I go to a party at Adam's tonight?" I asked.
"Of course. I think it'll be good for you to spend some time with your friends."
"Thanks. Where're we going to eat?"
"That place Dad loved?" Ava suggested.
The positivity I felt just a few minutes ago was replaced with dread. "Not there," I said, practically snapping. "Um, what about the pizza place? Mum, you said you wanted to try that pesto base next time we were in town."
Mum put her arm around me and I hated it. I wanted the comfort but I didn't want it to hurt. When she hugged me she cried and I felt even guiltier for not being able to.
***
Adam's annual parents-are-gone party was the same every year. People would drink far more than they could handle and end up passed out on the floor, sofa or bed. I'd had a few every time but never to that extent. But this year I was on my sixth and the alcohol combined with not being at home with my grieving family and seeing Dad's stuff everywhere, meant I was feeling good.
I sat on the bench outside getting some fresh air. My head felt fuzzy but in the best way possible. Nothing hurt, nothing was hard.
Adam's older brother, Ian, sat beside me. "Hey, how're you doing?"
"Good, you?" I replied.
He nodded, swigging on his bottle of brandy. Down on the lawn some girl that I didn't recognise slapped another girl and chucked her drink on her. That didn't usually happen at Adam's parties.
"What happened there?" I asked.
He shrugged. "She doesn't like that Sammy has the same shoes or some shit like that. They were bitching each other out about it earlier."
They were wearing the same shoes but so what. "She's a bit of a bitch," I said.
"Yeah, but that's intentional, no one can hurt the bitch."
No one can hurt the bitch.
"What're you looking all pissed off over?"
"Nothing," I replied. I was going to be okay now. "I need more drink."
He handed the bottle over and I took a swig. It was the most disgusting thing I'd ever tasted but that didn't stop me going back for more.
"Keep drinking," Ian said. "It makes everything ten times better."