He really was pretty fucking gorgeous and I watched his tattoo covered arms move and flex as he drove the car. The smell of his aftershave filled my lungs, making me relax further. I was back to being whatever version of me I was now, the one that could just be without having to constantly bat conversation away from heading towards the accident. I smiled and put my hand on the top of Kai's thigh.
***
I sat on Kai's bed drinking directly from a bottle of white wine. It was disgusting and had been open for a while - apparently it was what his sister bought when his family visited him. He didn't say how long ago that'd been but from the vinegary taste I could tell it'd been a bloody long time. Didn't stop me, though.
Kai was so easy to be around. Our friendship, although not based on anything particularly deep, was as real as any other I had right now. I could be myself around him and let my guard down a bit more than I could with anyone else. I knew he wasn't going to try and sneak a hard question in there at any moment. I needed his friendship so much.
"That is disgusting." He grimaced as he swallowed the wine and handed me the bottle back. "I don't know why I bothered trying it. I'm not drinking any more of that shit."
I laughed and shook my head. It was pretty gross but it wasn't about taste or enjoying a drink, I just wanted to be at that stage where I was as close to carefree as possible.
"It is gross," I agreed. Kai took the bottle off me and put it on the bedside table. "Hey." I narrowed my eyes playfully.
"You don't even like it."
"So?"
He grinned and pushed me backwards on the bed. I looked up at him as he hovered over me. His dark eyes alight with mischief and lust. "I can think of a few other ways to pass the time..."
I smirked and ran my hands under his t-shirt and across his soft yet hard and defined chest. My fingers glided along the bumpy contours and I bit my lip.
"Hmm, a few other ways?"
He nodded and very slowly lowered his face. His lips parted about an inch away from mine. What was taking him so long? I raised my head but he moved back. "Kai," I warned. His weight pressed me into the bed in the most perfect way and the hunger in his eyes drove me wild. There was no time for playing games.
"You want me to kiss you?"
I shot him a dark look. "What do you think?"
With a breathtaking smile that made his dark eyes light up, he kissed me hard.
Chapter Twenty
Kai
Tegan pulled away when my hand touched her thigh. She lowered her head and looked away.
"What?" I asked.
"I can't do this."
"Okay," I said, backing away a fraction. "What's wrong?"
She ran her hands through the long lengths of her blonde hair. "I don't know. I just... I don't know."
"You don't want sex right now or at all?" Man, I was getting some pretty mixed signals from her but then I probably didn't help matters.
"At all," she whispered.
On the one hand I was glad, if she wasn't using sex as a distraction then maybe she would face what was going on, but on the other, I was getting any sex.
"We don't have to sleep together, Tegan. There's no unwritten rule that says you need to open your legs to me."
"I know that but..."
I nodded and closed my eyes. "But that's what we do."
"Yeah, we have hot, blow-your-mind sex and I... Well, I'm a bit of a mess right now."
"It's okay."
"What does that mean here?" she pointed between us and bit her lip. Her cheeks reddened.
"It means we're not going at it like rabbits anymore."
She rolled her eyes and cracked a smile. "Yeah, I got that part. Look, for a while now the people in my life haven't really been in my life. My fault, I made it that way, but it's kind of lonely and you're the only person that I don't feel I have to pretend around or put on much of a show."
"You're saying you want us to be friends but you're worried that I only wanted to be around you while I was getting my end away?"
Turning her nose up, she replied, "Nice. Yeah, though."
"I get it, Tegan, but that's not why I want to spend time with you. I've told you this and I mean it." She frowned, genuinely curious why I wanted to be around her. It sent me right back there, to a few years ago when I thought so little of myself that I didn't understand why my own parents still called me son. "Now we're definitely keeping our clothes on I will miss the sex."
That made her laugh and she finally relaxed. "Yeah, me, too. I don't have a whole load of people wanting to spend time with me right now."
That was probably because she didn't want to spend time with them. I would've preferred to chew my own arm off than spend time with friends back when I was like her. I was lucky that James and Holly were still around when I came out of it or I would've had no one. Back then the only people I wanted to be around were the ones that didn't really give a shit about me. We hung out with each other for convenience, for selfish purposes and nothing was even remotely real.
Tegan should've been cutting me off and telling me she never wanted to see me again and I wasn't sure if that was because we had something deep, deep down that stood a chance when things for her were better or because she hadn't fully committed to turning her life around. I wanted option A but I couldn't be sure.
"I doubt that's true," I said, "but I know what you mean. Do you want me to take you home or do you want to chill here for a bit?"
"I think I should go home, see my mum." She was lying. She didn't want to go home but she didn't want to stay either. "Think maybe we can hang out in the week? If you're not busy."
"I'm sure I can fit you in. Want to go on the bike? I feel like a long ride when I drop you off."
She blushed.
I loved the bike even more after I'd had her across it.
"Good and yeah, the bike sounds great."
"Sounded better with you moaning over it."
Ignoring me completely, she got up. "Let's go."
I took her home, dropping her off two houses down so I wouldn't get chased out of town by her mum and crazy-eyed sister. Ava was like one of those creepy-arse dolls that watched you wherever you went.
I rode mostly without thinking where I was going and ended up back in my 'dark place' haunts. It looked the same: run-down, going nowhere and lifeless. There was no ambition here other than getting so off your face you didn't think about what a dead-end life you were leading.
Most windows in the houses along the long stretch of the high street were boarded up. Graffiti was the only colour around; everything else was grey and dull. Police rarely bothered coming here anymore, unless there was a murder.
I left my bike in a mate's garage and went to have a look around. A year ago this was pretty much home and I didn't even care how shitty the place was. It gave me everything I needed to not really exist for a few years.
"Kai!"
I turned around and immediately tensed for a fight. That was how it was around here. Most people were off their tits on whatever shit they could find to shove in their system so you never knew who was going to turn on you. Plus, I'd not been back since the day I left.
"Fuck me, man, it is you!" Declan said, slapping my shoulder.
"Hey, Dec, how's it going? I borrowed your garage, by the way."
He nodded. "Yeah, not bad, take what ya want."
He was only saying that because the day I left I gave him my last two hundred for drugs.
"What're you doing back 'ere?"
That was a good question. "Just visiting."
"Ain't no one just visit here."
"How's your mum?"
Deirdre was the sweetest woman. She never let the fact that her ex husband left her at eight months pregnant and with no money or a place to live. Nor did she let it get her down that she had to work three jobs to support her two kids or that every time she got anything nice it was stolen.
"She's good, man, you stopping long 'nough to see her?"
/> "Not sure yet, if I don't, tell her I said hi."
"I'm on my way to the grind, you comin'?"
The grind was what everyone called the nameless club in the shittier part of town. I had no idea why, it sounded as deadbeat as it was so I never questioned it. I'd been high as a kite many times in that fuckin' club. It was where we spent almost every night that we weren't out doing over shops or mugging some rich bastard. I was like Robin Hood, had he kept everything he took.
"Nah, can't stop long."
"You just come back to take a look?"
"Somethin' like that," I replied.
"You shouldn't come back 'ere, Kai."
I tensed again. His pupils were dilated but then I don't remember them ever being normal. "Why's that?"
"You did the things we all wanna do, you got out. No one thinks you're a wanker for leavin', ya know?"
"Oh, good." I didn't think they would've. Then I didn't really think about them much at all after I left. They were just there, same as me. Besides Dec and Kellen, no one had my back and I was sure he only did because I had a bit of money, could run fast when we needed to get away on foot, drive fast when we needed a driver, sell ice to an Eskimo and throw a decent punch.
"Seriously, man, you don't need to be back 'ere, you know there ain't nothin' good in this place. Go, Kai, you're better than this. Same as Kel." Turning around, he walked away without looking back. Kellen left before I did but he'd shown his face a few times. I hoped he'd finally get out.
Dec was right, but most people were better than this, him, his mum and sister included. When I left four years ago I told myself I would come back at some point, now I knew I never would.
I'd seen all I needed to and knew that no matter what happened to me in the future I'd never call this place home again. I left without looking back.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tegan
As soon as I couldn't hear his bike anymore I turned around and headed in the direction of the bus stop. Going home wasn't an option, not while they were still over. The bus I wanted was fifteen minutes away.
Sitting down on the bench, I pulled my purse out to make sure I had enough for the fare. Walking wasn't happening.
My phone showed far too many missed calls, texts and voice mail messages for my liking. Wow, they weren't giving up easily. I just wanted to be left alone for a while. I slipped my phone in my bag and closed my eyes. It was getting harder. Things were supposed to get easier with time but it wasn't. I just wanted things to go back to how they were so I didn't feel like a stranger and I could breathe again.
The journey on the bus took twenty minutes longer than it did in a car but with every mile I put between myself and home I relaxed more. If Mum said she wanted to move I'd be collecting house brochures in a flash. Everything at home was filled with Dad and I couldn't stand it.
The bus was filled mostly with old people and young mums. I felt like I didn't even belong on a shitty old bus. Looking out at the passing landscape, I wondered what the hell I was going to do, now and long-term.
Before Dad died I had a plan: go to sixth form and study music, get good grades so I could to take it to university and then work towards my dream job. I wasn't sure what that dream job was yet but I knew it involved the piano.
Dad dreamt of opening up a music shop, said it was so he could supply me with instruments whenever I needed to jet off around the world and play. I wasn't so far up my own arse that I thought I'd be able to travel the world and play in some form but I was certainly going to do my best to be able to. Now the idea just made me feel sick.
I needed a new plan but my future looked blank. Right now I had no idea what I was doing or even what I was thinking half the time. I could look at decisions I now made and think 'Tegan would never do that'. Well, Tegan was elsewhere right now, so fuck it all.
As the bus reached my stop, I made my way to the door. "Thanks," I mumbled to the driver and got off. It was around nine thirty and the sun was still holding out - just. Well, at least I wouldn't get cold.
Without thinking too much where I was going, or more importantly, why I was going there, I trudged up Lucas's hill, pushing on my thighs to help myself get up. He came here to think things through and clear his head. I wasn't expecting miracles but I hoped it'd do the same for me.
It was so pretty up here with the waves gently crashing against the shore. I sat close to the edge and played with the blades of grass. New plan, Tegan, come on. Sixth form? Facing my friends - the ones whose messages and calls I'd ignored for months - was the last thing I wanted.
I sighed in frustration and lay down on my back with my arm slung over my eyes. It was useless. I was just going to be a disappointing fuck-up and, to be honest, I didn't even care all that much.
"Tegan?" Lucas's voice made my heart leap.
I sat up and looked around. Should've known he'd figure out where I was. "What do you want?"
He stepped closer, standing over me. "What the hell are you doing?" His voice was too calm and too controlled.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" I said sarcastically, standing up to face him. I dug my nails into my palms. I didn't want to fight with him but I didn't want to want him more.
"We had no idea where you where after Kai dropped you off. Anything could have happened, Tegan," he snapped.
"I don't care what happens to me," I replied. It was one of the most honest things I'd said to him. I really couldn't care less. Part of me wished I were in the car with him when it crashed.
Lucas's face paled. Grabbing my wrist, he whispered, "Don't say that. Maybe you don't care, Tegan, but the rest of us do."
I ripped my arm from his grip. "Don't touch me."
He let me step away, like I knew he would. "You need to stop this. You have to deal with what happened."
No, I really didn't.
His words were like a sledgehammer to my chest. Anger boiled over and I wanted to punch something. Punch him. Punch the whole fucked-up world. Spinning around, I headed back down.
"Tegan," he called after me.
"Just leave me alone, Lucas," I screamed. I was breathing heavy and my hands were shaking violently. I fought harder than I'd ever had to to stay in control. Chanting over and over to let it go and block it out, I sped down towards the bottom, all the time ignoring his footsteps behind me.
Stopping at the bus stop I got off at, I busied myself looking at the timetable. He was still there, still hovering around, slightly glaring at me.
"Tegan, let me drive you." I ran my finger down the column of times to find mine. "Fuck sake, Tegan, just come and get in my car!" I'd never seen him so pissed off before. Whatever.
"No," I replied.
He sighed and stepped in front of me. "Please. I can't just leave you here."
"Why not?"
"Because I care about you. Everyone does. You can hate me and ignore me the whole way back but I need to make sure you get home safe."
My fucking bus wasn't due for another hour.
"Fine, I will ignore you the whole way. Where did you park?"
"At my house." As soon as he told me I took off in the direction of his place, leaving trailing behind. "Are you still pissed off with me?"
"Yes," I bit out.
"I'm sorry, Tegan, but it's true. We all just want you to get better."
I stopped abruptly and spun around. "I'm not sick, Lucas. Just shut up and take me home."
He didn't try talking to me anymore and the whole car ride home was silent and awkward. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he effortlessly changed gear and swept around the corners. His grip on the steering wheel was just that little bit too tight though, and gave away how angry he was.
As we approached my road he slowed down. "Look, I'm sorry for what I said and how I said it. Can you talk to me now? I hate you being pissed at me."
I forced a smile. "We're fine. I just want to forget about it."
He nodded and pressed his mouth into a thin line, clearly wan
ting to say something else. Arguing with him sucked but I was done. Done with everything and everyone and I just wanted to sleep.
I walked into the house and straight upstairs.
Before I could think too hard and run to the safety of my room, I turned around and went back down. They were talking about me, of course. All of them were in the kitchen and Mum was quizzing Lucas on where I'd been.
The music room door was open as I went to go back upstairs. Listening to them discuss everything that was wrong with me wasn't high up on my list of things I wanted to do.
I stood outside and stared in. The large grand piano sat in the middle of the room. It had lost so much of its beauty now and I didn't really want to play it. At the same time though, it was calling me.
Time stood still as I gingerly took steps closer. For the second time today I felt my hands shake.
Taking an uneven breath, I found the courage to reach out and glide my hand over the top. It even felt different. It was just a piano, why was it so hard?
I sat down on the bench and raised my trembling fingers over the keys. His aftershave was definitely still in here. I tried to ignore it. Even though I knew he was gone it gave me false hope that he'd walk through the door any minute.
Without any thinking or planning I started playing his favourite song. The music flowed through my mind, my voice changing to his in my head. I imagined him sitting at the piano, gracefully touching the keys and singing happily.
When I finished the last note I opened my eyes, half expecting him to be there. He wasn't though, of course. Something dropped onto my lap. A tear. Raising my hand to my cheek, I felt the dampness.
A strong hand touched my shoulder and I knew it was Lucas. I squeezed my eyes shut and lost the battle for the first time since Dad's funeral. I couldn't stop it. A tidal wave of ugly, raw emotion hit me and a deep sob erupted from my stomach. I missed him so much. I wanted him back. It was too soon for him to leave me. Bending over, I let it out and gripped my hair as I tried to not let the grief swallow me whole.
***
It took me an hour to calm down. I couldn't take a breath without sobbing and I was exhausted. Lucas had sat beside me, picked my limp body up and curled me on his lap soon after I started crying.