“Did you get enough?” His eyebrows stretch up to his hairline.
“Just take it,” she says in a firm voice.
He drinks the rest of the water. Then he tosses the bottle and plants a huge kiss on Grace’s mouth unexpectedly.
“You always take good care of me; that’s why I love you, woman,” he says. His bear hug lifts her slightly off the ground before he lets her toes touch back down.
I turn toward Cole, who lowers his backpack and digs his water out.
He twists around and gives me his last bottle. “Here,” he says. “I have a bottle left. Just make sure Zeus gets some.” He wipes sweat from his face with a hand towel from the safe house and says, “All right, so let’s set up a perimeter for now. Once we rest, we’ll focus on finding supplies.”
“Roger that,” Bruno says, letting go of Grace.
I gulp the water down like it’s air, allowing it to dribble over my chin. I’m beyond caring about how I appear. I wipe my face with my forearm and hand it back.
Cole takes a sip, then gives Zeus the last bit to slobber over. When Zeus is done, Cole smashes the bottle between his hands and tosses it on the ground.
Grace seems disturbed. She’s looking around the small space as if she can’t imagine how this will work out.
“This place is as good as we’re gonna get,” Bruno says, a hand on her back.
“Meaning?” Grace asks.
“We’ve got something resembling shelter,” Cole says. He touches a flap of the hut and lets it slide between his fingers. “It’s a large area. The guards’ll have a harder time finding us.”
“But it’s contaminated with something,” I say. Cole scrunches up his face at me. “People don’t die in numbers like that unless someone’s either shooting at them or they’re sick with something … bad.” Cole tilts his head.
“Now there’s a pleasant thought,” Bruno says.
We all go silent. I don’t know if any of us thought things would be so bad here.
I feel like I’ve got the heebie-jeebies, and I itch all over. After I scratch my skin red, I remember the woman from earlier whose skin looked like she had scratched it to shreds.
I don’t have what she has.
“Cole!” I shoot up into a sitting position, clothes clinging to me like a latex glove while I tremble.
“Hey, I’m here, you’re safe.” He pulls me into his arms, securing me against his chest, and rocks me. “Deep breaths. Breathe.”
“You were gone, I couldn’t find you,” I say and try to steady my breaths as my lip quivers. “You left me … and I ran everywhere and you were just … gone.” My lungs gasp for air, and he places his hand over my heart.
“It was just a nightmare, Lexi,” he says with a voice so familiar, so strong, and so loving. He holds me tighter, but it’s not tight enough.
Finding his hand, I lace my fingers with his, kiss the top of his hand, and then press it against my clammy cheek. Perspiration has gathered above my lips, and I use my forearm to wipe it away. It might have been just a nightmare, but it felt so real. My chest aches, my heart pounds, and anxiety crushes me. I squeeze my eyes shut and allow Cole’s arms to comfort me.
“Promise me,” I say in a shaky voice. “Please … promise you’ll never leave me, because without you … ”
“Shhhh, stop.” I feel his heart beating against me. “Try to relax.”
“But in my nightmare, you left me because I’m a Sinner, and I am, and you’ll never be able to change that—”
“Lexi. I need you to listen to me for a minute. Can you do that?”
I nod.
“Good.” He gives me his crooked smile. “Guards are trained to suppress their feelings, show no remorse, and be intimidating. You do as you’re told. Nothing more. Nothing less. I watched as friends of mine were shot point-blank in the head. One of them for shedding a tear, another for carrying a Sinner to the hospital because she couldn’t walk, and another one because he handed his drink to a little girl who was dying of dehydration.” He clears his throat. I cringe. “If you show any sign of weakness, you’re executed. You have no idea what I went through to prove to the Commander that truly, my heart was made of stone. He used to call me ‘the rock.’ And I was a rock; I was full of hatred and angry all the time.” Cole pauses; a strange look crosses his face. “Even when I killed people, I felt nothing.” He lowers his head, and I think I see sadness and regret on his face.
“Oh my gosh … that’s terrible. I’m so sorry, Cole.”
“So now, can you understand why I couldn’t let myself care about you?”
“Yes,” I say, resting my head on his arm.
“My life depended on it, but it didn’t matter. I failed miserably. And I fought like hell to stop myself from having any kind of feelings for you at all. Believe me; I did. I was furious with myself for a long time. Furious because feelings make you weak, and I’m not weak. Being around you … made me feel. That terrified me. My only option was to get away from you. So I filled out the transfer paperwork and was getting ready to hand it in on the day you came to me about Alyssa, begging and pleading with me to let you help her.” He sighs. “I made a promise to myself that after she died, I would leave you.” He tucks his face into the crook of my neck, tickling my ear with his breath. “But being around you was like being stuck in quicksand, the more I tried to get away, the deeper I sank.”
“And now you’re stuck?” I smile.
“Something like that. You’re my quicksand. Before I met you, my life was work and allegiance to the Commander. Before you, I had no idea people could care about one another like you cared for Alyssa, like I was starting to care for you.” He takes a deep breath. “When we had our little date, she called me out on my bullshit. She said it was obvious how much I cared for you. And of course, I told her I didn’t, because at the time, I truly believed that. But then she said something to me. Something that changed everything.”
I scrunch my eyebrows and ask, “What did she say?” My stomach flutters with anticipation.
“She said, ‘Maybe you should think about this: how would you feel if Lexi was assigned a new guard?’”
“She said that?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
“Tell me about it. And it was the strangest thing; it was as if she knew what I had planned. But there’s no way she could have. She was just an amazing little girl, perceptive and way smarter than most people three times her age.”
“She was such a beautiful, amazing little soul. Much too young to die.”
“But it’s what she said next that brought it home for me. She told me to close my eyes and picture you with someone else.” He kisses my neck and rubs my arm. “And when I did, instantly, I felt a knife slice my heart open. Jealously and rage shot through me. It was then I realized that being away from you would kill me. So, that night, I shredded my transfer papers and made the decision that my life was now mine, not theirs.”
I picture tiny, sickly Alyssa putting Cole on notice, and it makes me smile. A tear drops down my cheek. I wish she were here so I could hug her and tell her again how much she changed my life. Our lives.
“I cared about her too, you know,” he says. “And the day before she died, she made me promise her something … and it’s a promise I’ll never break.”
He doesn’t even have to say the words; I already know what she asked of him, because it’s who Alyssa was, a caring and loving little girl. No matter what, she could always see the good in everyone, even when others couldn’t see it in themselves.
“You promised her … you would never leave me.” The words just roll of my tongue, and I bite my lip.
“Of course I did.” He kisses my head. “But even if she hadn’t asked me, I wouldn’t have anyway. Because, at that point, I was protecting you for myself, not because I was ordered to.”
“I had no idea, Cole. I really thought you hated me.”
“Sit up so I can see you,” he says. His voice is
lower.
I swing my body around, sit on his thighs, and wrap my legs around his back. He takes my face between his hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears. He brushes my hair from my face and tucks the loose strands behind my ears. He gently traces an invisible line on my face with his fingers, and then runs them gently over my lips. He smells of sweat and blood and dirt. Even still, he smells like my Cole. He takes a deep breath and brings my forehead to his, and for a moment, we just stare at one another. I feel the hair rise on my arms and neck as my heart starts to flutter. We have a connection I can’t explain. But being with him just feels right and safe.
“Wait. Where are Grace and Bruno?” I look around the hut frantically.
Cole lets out a small laugh. “They left to find some privacy just after you fell asleep.”
“Oh,” I say, embarrassed.
Cole pulls me back into an embrace. “Lexi, I’m scared.” He trails his fingers lightly up and down my back, awakening a need in me.
“About what?” I moan against his lips.
“Of the man I once was.” He kisses me softly. “Of the things I did in my past.” He kisses me softly again. “The innocent lives I took.” His kiss is more urgent now. “Deep down, I’m still a cold, heartless guard, and I’m not sure how to shut that part of me off.” I am lost in his kiss.
“You’re not that person anymore, Cole.” My breathing’s heavy and fast.
“That’s what I keep telling myself, but then, I killed that man—in cold blood. I know it would keep us safe, but I don’t want to be a killer anymore.” He pulls back and looks at me.
“You’re not a killer,” I say, taking his face in my hands.
“I am. I’ve been murdering people for years.”
“You did your job like any soldier. No one could blame you for that. Isn’t that what you are trained to do? What you were commanded to do? Neutralize the threat. Keep your people safe. That man was a threat. You took care of it.”
“There’s so much you don’t know about me. And I’m afraid if you knew everything I’ve done, you’d hate me for it.”
“Cole,” I whisper against his mouth.
“Mmmm,” he says, and then he’s kissing me again, pulling me closer and holding me there.
I pull away long enough to say, “I’m in love with you, Cole. I don’t care about the person you once were. I only care about the person you are today. Everything you have gone through helped shape the person you are now, and that man is my hero. And when you’re ready to tell me everything about your past, I’m here. I will not judge you. There’s nothing you could’ve done that will change the way I feel about you.”
His body stiffens, and his eyes turn distant and cold.
“What’s wrong?”
He drops his eyes to the floor. “I don’t deserve you, Lexi.”
“How can you say that after everything we’ve been through?”
“You have no idea,” he says, and I watch as he clenches his jaw and flares his nostrils. Something is eating him alive.
“Oh, but I do. Look at me, Cole. I’m a Sinner, branded forever.” I pull his face toward me. “And you chose to love me still, despite this. You chose to see me for who I am, not for what or who my brand says I am. I am more than my brand, and you see that.”
“Well, I hope you will be able to do the same for me. Because you don’t know everything I’ve done.”
“Of course I will. I love you.”
His eyes rest firmly on mine as he takes my right hand in his. My lips part, and I close my eyes; I listen to the noise his lips make when he kisses my skin. It’s a soft sound, almost like he’s whispering.
“Hey, open your eyes for me,” he says. “Look at me.”
My lids open, and he kisses the corners of my mouth before slowly kissing his way down to my collarbone. I shudder.
“Are you cold?” he laughs.
“Not even close.”
“Hmmm.”
I let my fingers wander up his neck, through his hair, and travel back down to his broad shoulders. When my hands reach his face, I guide his mouth to mine. We kiss slow and soft until I feel his hand move to the small of my back. As he untucks my shirt, he deepens the kiss. I suck on his lower lip, and he grips me harder.
“Lexi,” he says, shaking his head and huffing for oxygen.
I loop my arms around his neck and pull his head to my shoulder. His fingers find the flesh right above my pants, and I jump. The combination of nerves, adrenaline, desire, and fear is heady.
Cole chuckles lightly against my skin. I lift my arms toward the sky as he tries to pull my shirt off. But the damn thing’s pretty much glued to me. He’s kissing and touching and getting inpatient, about to rip it off. Then, somehow, he manages to peel the cloth off, get it over my head, and it drops to the floor like a drenched towel.
His eyes search mine for a minute, and then he smiles his crooked smile. “You have no idea how beautiful you are.” He kisses my lips so softly, gently, sincerely. “I love you, Lexi.”
I get lost in this moment, watching him, watching his emotions, watching his chest move with every breath. Taking the hem of his t-shirt in my fists, I tug it loose from his pants, yank it over his head, and toss it behind me. Zeus growls. I twist around to find the shirt has landed on Zeus’s back. He whines and then lays his head back down, unwilling to toss Cole’s shirt off. Up until now, I totally forgot he was even there.
Cole doesn’t waste any time. His warm lips meet mine. He tangles his fingers in my hair as he pulls my head to the side, kissing every inch between my chin and shoulders. When his lips meet my ear, I listen to his heavy breathing, and a moan leaks out of my mouth.
“You’re so warm,” he says against my skin.
“Warm but filthy,” I say.
“Isn’t that the truth. But I think we’re used to that by now.”
I run my hands over his skin, his muscles rippling beneath them. Then, I slide my fingers across his hard shoulders and down his defined arms. But it’s his chest, oh my lord his chest, that drives me wild. It looks like it was chiseled into perfection. Cole lies flat on his back, and I remain on top of him, sitting just above his belt. My heart’s beating so fast I couldn’t count the beats even if I wanted to. A smile slowly stretches across his face. I relax my body and soak up the feel of him.
For a minute, I’m still, just staring down at him. When I move my hands again, his stomach starts to quiver. Emotion and pleasure overtakes him. I lean down to kiss his parted lips, and he wraps his hands around my head, crushing our lips together. Our mouths open together, and his tongue grazes mine, our kiss intensifying with each moment. He groans the second I pull away to catch my breath, sucking air into his lungs too.
Slowly I slide my hips down till I’m resting on his thighs, and just to make sure I’m not dreaming, I drop my ear to his heart and listen to his fast but steady heartbeat.
“I’m real,” he says. “And I’m yours.” He strokes my hair, and I feel my body flood with warmth, from top to bottom.
“Can you sit up for me?” he asks softly.
I do what he asks. Cole winks at me, and suddenly my knees loosen and I’m weak all over. He takes my head between his hands and brings my mouth back to his, and without breaking our kiss, I feel him unhook my bra. One by one, he brings the straps down to my wrists, and I allow him to remove it completely. I’m nervous, and I’m alive and terrified at the same time.
What if they find us, here, like this? What if we’re seconds away from another spray of bullets? I tense up, trembling all over.
“Let me love you,” he breaths into my mouth. His words make me lightheaded, and I close my eyes. He kisses the tip of my nose, my eyelids, and my forehead.
Cole gently rolls me onto my back, straddles my hips, and leans over on top of me. He lowers his head to mine, and I can’t wait for him to kiss me again. But he suddenly stops an inch from my face and stares into my eyes. His eyes seem to shine, and I’m lost in their pools of
darkness. His long, thick eyelashes are beautiful, and I watch them as he blinks.
“I’m out of my mind,” he says.
“Me too. Come closer, and we can lose our minds together,” I say. But he’s already moving away from me, catching me off guard. “What’s wrong?”
He shakes his head, his hands on either side of his face, and sits up and away from me. “I’m sorry, Lexi. I just … don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He won’t look at me now.
I sit up, retrieve my shirt from Zeus’s snoring figure, and cover myself with it while searching for my bra. “If this is about the past, I already told you, there’s nothing you could’ve done to make me love you less.”
“Don’t say that. Not until you know everything I’ve done.” He glances in my direction, his eyes glazed over. I feel myself go rigid.
“How am I supposed to take that?” I ask. He drags his shirt back on, his hands trembling and his expression unreadable. “Stop,” I say while putting my hand on his arm, but he doesn’t stop. “Please, just talk to me … ”
“I thought I could forget who I used to be. I thought I could atone for the past, but being here brings back a lot of memories.” His once warm voice turns bitter. “The Sinners are right; I’ll always be a guard, and they’ll never let me forget it.”
“What are you saying? You’re not even close to the same person you were before.” I can’t help raising my voice as he stands up, and his hands ball into fists. I find my bra tangled on the floor and put it on, embarrassed.
“Lexi, I’m saying I will never, ever deserve you.” His voice breaks.
“Stop, please, you’re scaring me.”
“Cole.” Bruno’s voice cuts through the tension before I have a chance to respond. He peeks through the thin curtain, and I scramble to put my shirt on.
“What?” Cole asks through gritted teeth, and I’m just as irritated as he is.
“Oh. Sorry, dude, but I need to talk to you.”
“Can you give us ten?” I ask, my voice coming out harder than intended.
“Sorry, but this can’t wait,” Bruno says, ducking his head back out of the hut.