About what? you might well ask.
He was dry, he was fed, he had slept. I would have tried blanket on, blanket off; he was neither hot nor cold. He'd been burped, and I have a gut instinct that he didn't have colic; Kevin's was not a cry of pain but of wrath. He had toys dangling overhead, rubber blocks in his bed. His m o t h e r had taken six months off from work to spend every day by his side, and I picked him up so often that my arms ached; you could not say he lacked for attention.
As the papers would be so fond of observing sixteen years later, Kevin had everything.
I have theorized that you can locate most people on a spectrum of the crudest sort and that it may be their position on this scale with which their every other attribute correlates: exactly h o w m u c h they like being here, just being alive. I think Kevin hated it. I think Kevin was off the scale, he hated being here so much.
He may even have retained some trace spiritual m e m o r y from before conception, and glorious nullity was far more what he
— 1 0 6 —
missed than my womb. Kevin seemed incensed that no one had ever consulted him about turning up in a crib with time going on and on, w h e n nothing whatsoever interested him in that crib.
He was the least curious little boy I've ever encountered, with a few exceptions to that rule that I shudder to contemplate.
O n e afternoon I started to feel draggier than usual, at times a bit light-headed. For days I'd been unable to keep warm, and it was late May; outside, N e w Yorkers were in shorts. Kevin had pulled off a virtuosic recital. Huddled on the couch in a blanket, I reflected crankily on the fact that you'd stacked up m o r e w o r k than ever. Fair enough, as a freelancer you didn't want your l o n g - t e r m clients to find an alternative scout, whereas my o w n company could be trusted to underlings and wouldn't just go away. B u t s o m e h o w this meant that I was stuck all day w i t h hell in a handbasket while you tooled merrily off in your baby-blue pickup to window-shop for fields with the right-colored cows.
I suspected that if our situation were reversed—you headed a thriving company while I was a lone freelance location scout—
Eva would be expected to drop the scouting altogether like a hot brick.
W h e n the elevator clanked and shuddered, I was just noticing that a small patch under my right breast had turned bright red, tender, and strangely stiff, mirroring the m u c h larger such patch on the left. You opened the lattice gate and went straight to the crib. I was glad you were turning into such an attentive father, but of the two other inhabitants of our loft it was only your wife w h o appreciated the meaning of the w o r d hello.
"Please don't wake him up," I whispered. "He's only been d o w n twenty minutes and he's outdone himself today. I doubt he ever goes to sleep. He passes out."
"Well, has he been fed?" Deaf to my imprecations, you had laid h i m on your shoulder and were poking at his conked-out face.
He looked deceptively content. Dreams of oblivion, perhaps.
"Yes, Franklin," I said with immoderate control. "After four
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or jive hours of listening to little Kevin bring the house down, I thought of that. — W h y are you using the stove?"
"Microwaving kills nutrients." Over lunch at McDonald's, you read baby books.
"It isn't so simple as figuring out what he wants and can't ask for. Most of the time he has no idea what he wants." I caught it: Your eyes flicked toward the ceiling like, oh-brother-not-this-again." You think I'm exaggerating."
"I didn't say that."
"You think he's 'crabby.' He's 'fussy' sometimes, because he's h u n g r y — "
"Listen, Eva, I ' m sure he gets a litde ill-tempered—"
"See? A little ill-tempered." I waddled to the kitchen in my blanket."You don't believe me!" I had broken out in a cold sweat and must either have been flushed or pale. Walking hurt the soles of my feet and sent pains shivering d o w n my left arm.
"I believe you're being straight up about your perception of h o w hard it is. B u t what did you expect, a walk in the park?"
" N o t a carefree stroll, but this is like being mugged in the park!"
"Look, he's my son, too. I see him, too, every day. Sometimes he cries a little. So what. I'd worry if he didn't."
Apparently my testimony was tainted. I would have to bring in other witnesses. "You realize that John, downstairs, is threatening to move out?"
"John's a fag, and they don't like babies. This whole country's anti-child, I ' m only just starting to notice.'The severity wasn't like you, except that for once you were talking about the real country and not the star-spangledValhalla in your head. "See?" Kevin had roused on your shoulder, then took the bottle peaceably without opening his eyes."I'm sorry, but most of the time he seems pretty good-natured to me."
"He's not good-natured right now, he's exhausted! A n d so am I. I k n o w I ' m run down, but I don't feel right. Dizzy. Chills. I w o n d e r if I ' m running a fever."
"Well, that's a shame," you said formally. "Get some rest, then.
I'll make dinner."
I stared. This coldness was so unlike you! I was supposed to belittle my own infirmities, you to make a to-do over them.
Forcing you to go through the motions of your old solicitation, I took the bottle and plastered your hand to my forehead.
"Touch warm," you said, withdrawing the hand right away.
I'm afraid that I couldn't stand up anymore, and my skin hurt wherever the blanket touched it. So I staggered back to the couch, as if reeling from my revelation: You were angry at me. Fatherhood hadn't disappointed you; I had. You thought you'd married a trooper. Instead your wife was proving a whiner, the very peevish sort she decried amid America's malcontented overfed, for w h o m a commonplace travail like missing a FedEx delivery three times in a row and having to go to the depot constitutes intolerable
"stress," the stuff of cosdy therapies and pharmaceutical redress.
Even for Kevin's refusal to take my breast you held me dimly accountable. I had denied you the maternal tableau, that luscious Sunday-morning loll amid the sheets with buttered toast: son suckling, wife aglow, breasts spilling their bounty over the pillow, until you are forced out of bed for the camera.
Here I thought that I'd brilliandy disguised my true feelings about m o t h e r h o o d thus far, to the point of dereliction; so m u c h lying in marriage is merely a matter of keeping quiet. I had refrained from throwing that self-evident diagnosis of postnatal depression d o w n on our coffee table like a trophy but had kept this formal accreditation to myself. Meanwhile, I'd brought h o m e loads of editing work but had only got through a few pages; I was eating badly and sleeping badly and showering at most every three days; I saw no one and rarely got out because Kevin's rages, in public, were not socially acceptable; and daily, I faced a purple churn of insatiable fury while rehearsing to myself with dull incomprehension, I'm supposed to love this.
"If you're having trouble coping, we don't lack for resources."
You towered over my couch with your son, like one of those
— 1 0 9 —
mighty peasant icons of dedication to family and motherland in Soviet murals. "We could hire a girl."
" O h , I forgot to tell you," I mumbled."I had a conference call with the office. We're researching demand for an African edition.
AFRIWAP. T h o u g h t it had a ring."
"I did not mean," you stooped, your voice deep and h o t in my ear, "that someone else could raise our son while you go p y t h o n -
hunting in the Belgian Congo."
"Zaire," I said.
"We're in this together, Eva."
" T h e n why do you always take his side?"
"He's only seven weeks old! He's not big enough to have a side!"
I wrenched myself to a stand. You may have mistaken me for tearfiil, but my eyes were watering of their o w n accord. W h e n I lumbered into the bathroom, it was less to get the thermometer than to underscore
the fact that you had failed to fetch it for me.
W h e n I returned with the tube poking from my m o u t h , was I imagining it, or were your eyes once more rolling toward the ceiling?
I scrutinized the mercury under a lamp. " H e r e — y o u read it.
Everything's a bit blurry."
Absently you held the tube to the light. "Eva, you screwed it up.You must have put it near the bulb or something."You shook the mercury down, poked the end in my m o u t h , and left to change Kevin's diaper.
I shuffled to the changing table and made my offering. You checked the reading and stabbed me with a black glance. "It's not funny, Eva."
" W h a t are you talking about?"This time they were tears.
"Heating the thermometer. It's a shitty joke."
" I ' m not heating the thermometer. I just put the bulb under m y t o n g u e — "
"Crap, Eva, it reads practically 104°."
" O h . "
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You looked at me. You looked at Kevin, for once torn between loyalties. Hastily you scooped him from the table, then bedded him with such perfunctoriness that he forgot his strict theatrical schedule and cranked up his daytime I-hate-the-whole-world shriek. With that manliness I'd always adored, you ignored him.
" I ' m so sorry!" In one swoop you lifted me off the floor and swept me back to the couch. "You're really sick.We've got to call Rhinestein, get you to a hospital—"
I was sleepy, fading. But I do remember thinking that it had taken too much. Wondering if I would have a cool cloth on my forehead, ice water and three aspirin at my side, and Dr. Rhinestein on the telephone if the thermometer had read only 101°.
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D E C E M B E R 1 3 , 2 0 0 0
Dear Franklin,
I ' m a bit rattled, since the p h o n e just rang and I have no idea h o w this Jack Marlin person got my unlisted number. He claimed to be a documentary maker from N B C . I suppose the droll working title of his project, "Extracurricular Activities," sounds authentic enough, and at least he was quick to distance himself from "Anguish at Gladstone High," that hasty Fox show that Giles informed me was mostly on-camera weeping and prayer services. Still I asked Marlin w h y he imagined that I would want to participate in one more sensationalist postmortem of the day my life as I understood it came to an end, and he said I might want to tell "my side of the story."
" W h a t side would that be?" I was on record as assuming the opposition w h e n Kevin was seven weeks old.
"For example, wasn't your son the victim of sexual abuse?"
Marlin plied.
"A victim? Are we talking about the same boy?"
" W h a t about this Prozac business?" T h e sympathetic p u r r could only have been put on. " T h a t was his defense at the trial, and it was pretty well supported."
" T h a t was his lawyer's idea," I said faintly.
"Just generally—maybe you think Kevin was misunderstood?"
I ' m sorry Franklin, I k n o w I should have hung up, but I speak to so few people outside the office...What did I say? Something
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like,"I'm afraid I understand my son all too well." And I said,"For that matter, Kevin must be one of the best-understood young m e n in the country. Actions speak louder than words, don't they?
Seems to me he got across his personal worldview better than most.
Seems to me that you should be interviewing children w h o are a great deal less accomplished at self-expression."
" W h a t do you think he was trying to say?" asked Marlin, excited at having snagged a real live specimen of what has b e c o m e a remote parental elite, whose members are strangely uneager for their fifteen minutes on TV.
I ' m sure the call was recorded, and I should have watched my tongue. Instead I blurted, "Whatever his message was, Mr.
Marlin, it was clearly disagreeable. W h y on earth would you like to provide him one more f o r u m for propounding it?"
W h e n my caller launched into some nonsense about insight into disturbed boys being vital so that next time "we can see it coming," I cut him off.
"I saw it coming for nearly sixteen years, Mr. Marlin," I snapped. "A fat lot of good that did." A n d I h u n g up.
I k n o w he was only doing his job, but I don't like his job.
I ' m sick of newshounds snuffling at my door like dogs that smell meat. I am tired of being made a meal of.
I was gratified w h e n Dr. Rhinestein, having lectured that it was practically unheard of, was forced to concede that I had indeed contracted mastitis in both breasts.Those five days in Beth Israel on an antibiotic drip were painful, but I was coming to treasure physical pain as a f o r m of suffering I understood, in contrast to the baffling despair of n e w motherhood. T h e relief of simple quiet was immense.
Still in the grip of your breadwinning fever and perhaps—admit it— reluctant to put our son's "good-natured" temperament to the test, you took this opportunity to hire a nanny. Or should I say two nannies, since by the time I came h o m e the first one had quit.
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N o t that you were volunteering this information. In the pickup as you were driving me h o m e you simply began nattering about the marvelous Siobhan, and I had to stop you. "I thought her name was Carlotta."
" O h , her. You know, a lot of these girls are immigrants w h o plan to go A W O L w h e n their visa turns into a pumpkin. T h e y don't really care about kids."
W h e n e v e r the pickup hit a bump, my breasts flamed. I wasn't looking forward to the excruciating process of expressing milk on arrival, which I'd been dictated to do religiously every four hours for the sake of the mastitis, even if only to p o u r the milk d o w n the drain. "I take it Carlotta didn't work out."
"I told her up front he was a baby. A pooping, farting, b u r p i n g — "
"—Screaming—"
"—Baby. She seemed to have expected, like, a self-cleaning oven or something."
"So you sacked her."
" N o t exactly. But Siobhan is a saint. From N o r t h e r n Ireland, of all places. Maybe folks used to being b o m b e d and shit can keep a little w h i m p e r i n g in perspective."
"You mean Carlotta quit. After only a few days. Because Kevin was— what's the term of art? Cranky."
"After one day, if you can believe it. And w h e n I call at lunchtime to make sure everything's all right, she has the gall to insist I cut my workday short and relieve her of my son. I was tempted not to pay her a dime, but I didn't want us blacklisted with her agency." (Prophetic. We were blacklisted by her agency two years later.)
Siobhan was a saint. A bit homely at first glance, with unruly black curls and that deathly white Irish skin, she had one of those doll-baby bodies that didn't narrow at the joints, but merely crimped a bit; though she was slim enough, the columnar limbs and waistless torso gave the impression of thickness. Yet I grew to regard her as prettier with time because she was so good-hearted.
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True, I was apprehensive w h e n she mentioned at our introduction that she was a m e m b e r of that Alpha Course Christian sect. I conceived of such people as mindless fanatics and dreaded being subjected to daily testimonials. A prejudice, and one Siobhan did not substantiate; she rarely raised the subject again. Maybe this offbeat religious route was her bid to opt out of the Catholic-Protestant folderol back in C o u n t y Antrim, of which she never spoke, and from which she had further insulated herself with the Atlantic O c e a n as if for good measure.
You teased me that I took such a shine to Siobhan just because she was a Wing and a Prayer fan, for she'd used AWAP
w h e n traveling the Continent. Unsure w h a t G o d w o u l d "call"
her to do, she said she couldn't imagine a more delightful occupation than professional globetrotting, stirring my nostalgia for a life already growing distant. She ignited the same pride that I h o p e d Kevin would some day kindle, w h e n he got old e n o u g h to appreciate his parent
s' accomplishments. I'd already indulged the o d d fantasy whereby Kevin w o u l d pore over my old photographs, asking breathlessly, Where's this? What's that?
You've been to AFRICA? Wow! But Siobhan s admiration proved cruelly misleading. Kevin did pour over a box of my photographs o n c e — w i t h kerosene.
After a second round of antibiotics, the mastitis cleared up.
R e s i g n e d that Kevin was on formula for keeps, I allowed my breasts to engorge and dry up, and w i t h Siobhan holding d o w n the fort was at length able to return to AWAP that fall. W h a t a relief, to dress well, to move briskly, to speak in low, adult tones, to tell someone what to do and to have t h e m do it. W h i l e I t o o k fresh relish in what had previously g r o w n workaday, I also chided myself for having imputed to a tiny bundle of confusion such malign motives as an intent to drive a wedge b e t w e e n you and me. I'd b e e n unwell. It had b e e n harder to adapt to o u r n e w life than I'd expected. Recuperating some of my old energy and discovering with pleasure that I had agitated myself back d o w n to my f o r m e r figure, I assumed that the worst was over and made a mental note that the next time o n e of my friends bore a first child I would fall all over myself to sympathize.
O f t e n I'd invite Siobhan to linger with me for a cup of coffee w h e n I came home, and the enjoyment I took in conversing with a w o m a n roughly half my age may have been less the delight of leaping generations than the more standard one of talking to anybody. I was confiding in Siobhan because I was not confiding in my husband.