Chapter 13
The nightmares were bad that night. Ridge woke just before dawn drenched in sweat. He sat up and covered his face with both hands in frustration. Why couldn't he get past the nightmares? Slowly he put his feet on the floor and with a heavy heart walked to the bathroom and stepped into a hot shower. The water beat down on him as he tried to wash away the visions.
His cell phone vibrated bringing him out of his thoughts. Wrapping a towel around his hips he stepped out of the shower and checked the call. It was Mallory. Closing his eyes, knowing the last thing he needed to do was be close to her when he felt like this. So, quickly he sent her a simple text explaining that something came up and he had to take care of it.
No response came back from his text. That surprised him as he stood looking at his phone. Maybe she'd been pushed too far. His heart clenched just thinking about hurting her. For the first time in years he actually felt some sliver of hope, but until he pushed these dreams out, he wasn't good for her. She deserved better.
Slipping out the front door quietly as the rest of the house slept he made his way to the barn. He wasn't surprised when Chase was already in the barn. "Good morning brother."
Ridge poured himself a cup of coffee in the office and took a long sip of the hot liquid. It did nothing for the sinking feeling in his gut. "What's good about it?" He said as he walked by his brother and into the tack room.
When he came out with his saddle Chase gave him a quizzical look. "Where are you headed so early?" Chase said as he put his rodeo rope in a bag.
"To tell you the truth I have no idea." In all honesty he didn't know where he was headed, but he knew it would be a fast ride to clear his head.
For a moment Chase didn't respond. He continued to pack his rodeo supplies as he glanced up at his brother. The troubled look on his face told him this wasn't the time for a lot of questions. Between all the brothers, Chase and Ridge were the closest. Oakley had his head in the books with Vet school and Luke was younger, filled with girls and such. Chase knew him well and his mood wasn't anything new.
Ridge saddled his horse and walked him out of the stall, noticing for the first time what Chase was packing. "I thought you'd put the rodeo thoughts aside."
Zipping the bag and putting it over his shoulder, he grabbed his saddle and hoisted it into his arms. "I'm riding a charity event today. It's nothing, just a favor for a friend." He grinned and winked at his brother as he headed out of the barn. "I'm not leaving till later."
Ridge called after him, "Good luck and stay safe. I hope she's worth it." Sadly Ridge shook his head and climbed into the saddle. His younger brother had rodeo in his blood but his responsibilities to the family ranch kept him close to home and away from his dream. One day that pull would tear him apart, he was all too aware of that. He'd dreamed of being a soldier and one day he joined against his father's wishes. Deep down he knew it was the right thing to do and so did his father.
The morning was cool and serene as he rode out of the barn and toward the open pastures. Nudging his horse he sped across the pasture, feeling the horse let go and give it all he had. His horse was made for speed and these moments of unbridled speed were exhilarating. Unfortunately today he didn't feel the thrill as he normally did. Flashes of Mallory kept slipping into his vision. He'd let her down today, but one day she'd understand why. Wouldn't she?
He rode hard for a little bit and then slowly brought his horse down to a walk. As he headed toward his favorite spot he remembered last night. It had felt right to bring her here. She was an amazing woman and he felt honored that she'd give him a second look. Most women would run screaming from a man with his issues.
Sloan crossed his mind and he thought about the upcoming funeral. Could he hold it together to speak in Sloan's honor? He knew that his responsibility was to give a good memorial of his friend. How many of these had he spoken at since he'd been home? It was sickening the useless killing, but it was part of a soldier's life. When you signed on it was a possibility that you'd come home in a box.
Going over what he'd say as he rode, he didn't hear the rider slowly coming up behind him. Then his second sense told him that he wasn't alone. Turning slightly he saw Mallory coming up beside him. He felt his heart melt as he looked into her eyes. He'd been a fool not to go to her this morning.
"Something told me this is where you'd be. I told you last night to let me in. If you don't, then I can't help you." She stopped when she was alongside him.
Hanging his head as she spoke, he knew she was right. "I've been fighting this alone for so long that I just naturally try to do it all. What did you have planned this morning?" When he looked up into her gorgeous eyes he saw a depth he hadn't noticed earlier.
"I'd planned on taking you on a picnic and being the person I am, I have it with me." She put her hand on the bag hanging from the saddle. "I don't give up easily. Let's find a good place to sit down and talk."
Quietly they rode toward his favorite spot. Once there he jumped down and helped her down. She spread a blanket and sat down with the picnic bag. He watched as she pulled out croissants, cheese, fruit and bottled waters.
His stomach grumbled at the sight of the food. He'd forgotten to eat breakfast as he hastily left the house this morning. Sitting down on the opposite side of the blanket he took the warm croissant she offered him. It was warm and buttery as he took a bite.
"I went by the bakery on the way over here. They'd just came out of the oven. I love these things a little too much." She took a large bite and closed her eyes in pure delight. "Oh my goodness, if I bought these everyday I'd be so big the horses would run from me." She giggled making him smile for a change. It was nice to see that smile spread across his handsome face.
For a long while they sat silently eating their breakfast. She watched the expressions that crossed his face. He was deep in thought and didn't notice her observations. Once he screwed his face up in frustration and she wondered what he was thinking.
When he finished his bottle of water and sat back she knew it was time to talk. She knew deep down last night that things would be rocky and he'd need patience, but her heart told her that what he needed mostly was a sounding board that was nonjudgmental.
"Ridge, can I ask you something?" She leaned back on her elbows letting the morning sun warm her.
"Would you listen if I said no?" He said as he lay down on his back and looked up at the limbs of the old oak tree.
"Probably not because I'm stubborn if you haven't noticed yet." She grinned when she heard him grunt in agreement. "Come on Ridge, you need to talk to someone and why not let it be me? I did minor in psychology."
"Have you ever been at war?" The tone of his voice made her turn toward him.
"No I haven't Ridge and I'm all too aware that you have, but let me tell you something. It's about time you come back home and leave the war in Iraq. We're not a desert here and you're not at war with us." She propped up and looked at him with a purpose in her stare. "What you did for our country is beyond words, but you're home now. You're no longer having to watch your back and wonder if you'll be killed today or tomorrow."
The look he gave her was hard, chiseled stone. "I know I'm home. I also know that many of my fellow soldiers haven't come home and won't, unless it's in a pine box." He sat up and pushed his fingers through his hair. "When I shut my eyes at night and let my mind relax, the memories come back with such a vengeance that sometimes I wake up not sure if it was a dream or reality. Loud noises make me break out in a cold sweat and shake."
Slowly Mallory made her way across the blanket. "I won't even pretend to understand what you've seen, but I do understand that for you to get past it you have to learn to forget. I know it's hard to understand, but it's something you need to try." She placed her hand lightly on his shoulder. The tension radiating from him was thick.
He looked around at her and she saw the raw pain shining back at her. "I saw three of my friends blown up by a roadside bomb. One of
my friends was shot while he stood beside me. So many of my men came home without arms, legs, or both. I was lucky to come back with only scars."
"What are your scars from? If you don't mind me asking." She said in a low voice.
Grasping the bottom of his t-shirt he pulled it over his head. Pointing to a jagged scar across his ribs on his left side he said, "This one is from a roadside bomb that killed my friends. I was in the hospital for a week." Then he pointed at several marks that dotted his back. "These are from a grenade blast near a school. We were evacuating the children. Thankfully we'd moved all the children before the attack."
She reached up and slowly touched the jagged scar and traced it, causing him to shiver. "This must've hurt badly. You're lucky to be alive." Tears filled her eyes as she touched each scar tenderly.
Ridge wiped away one of the tears that escaped. "Don't cry for me. I made it home in one piece. A lot of the guys don't." He put his hands under her arms and lifted her up onto his lap. "You're a special woman."
"No, just a curious one." She tried to smile but it went lopsided. "I'm so humbled by you and what you've been through. I feel so? I don't know the word."
He pulled her into his embrace and held her. The tears that were slow to come now flowed freely down her face and dripped down his abdomen.
Suddenly she felt his body shaking and realized he was crying too, actually he was out right sobbing. This was what he needed to cleanse his mind. She wrapped her arms around him as he continued to sob. Ridge was a man with a heart and his cries told her he was on the road to mends or at least she hoped so.
After a long while his sobs subsided and he became still. She wondered what he was thinking. When he pulled back from her embrace his expression was masked. Gently he lifted her off his lap and placed her on the blanket beside him.
"I don't know what just happened and I'm not even sure why it happened, but I need some time alone."
Mallory didn't recognize the man before her. One moment he was sobbing and the next moment he was hard edged Ridge Cauthen the soldier. He was like a rotating door. Her head was spinning from the change.
"Ridge, you don't need to be alone. I think you made a huge breakthrough just now." She tried to touch his arm but he flinched away.
"I'll see you back to the barn." He stood up and started loading her bag as she sat and stared at him. "You need to stand up so that I can fold the blanket."
Knowing it was no use trying to get him to be reasonable she stood up and snatched the blanket from him. Two could play this game and she'd play it like an expert. "Ok, Ridge I get it. You're embarrassed because you actually opened up and revealed you have a heart." She put the blanket on the back of her horse and stepped up into the saddle. "Well, I'm here if you need me, but I can't handle the yo-yo affect. It makes my head hurt." She turned her horse and rode, fast and hard back to the barn.
Ridge dropped to the ground and wondered what was wrong with him. He'd probably messed up any chance with Mallory. Maybe it was for the best.