I guess that's what makes it so great when you actually do nail that parallel-parking job on the first try. When you pop into the spot perfectly and tightly, like a battery clicking into a remote control, you get a huge high, a smile reveals itself on your face, and there's an extra spring in your step. Cars behind you zoom ahead, happy to keep moving but a little upset you got the spot and they didn't. And once in a while, if you're really lucky, an old guy will barrel-roll out of the nearby barber shop, extend his hand, and say, "Sonny, now that was impressive."
AWESOME!
The Perfect Chicken Wing Partner
There are two kinds of chicken wings.
First up, there's the Baby Drumstick. You know the one. It's a cute, little baby drumstick slathered in wing sauce. It's the photo attachment you'd expect to see on a "We had a baby!" email sent to you from a couple buckets of fried chicken.
Then there are Flat Pats. Think of it this way: If Baby Drumsticks are the thick, meaty bicep wings, then Flat Pats are the forearms. Like a forearm, they've got two bones, which means you have to tear them apart to get at the tasty meat inside. Don't dismiss Flat Pats, though. Even though they may not have the Baby Drumstick's sex appeal, they come through in the clutch.
Now, some people prefer Baby Drumsticks. Others go for the Flat Pats. Just like some people like their wing sauce mild, some like medium, and some say, "Go suicide or go home."
But people, that's where The Perfect Wing Partner comes in. He or she is that special someone who likes the exact same sauce as you but the exact opposite wing type. You like medium? Perfect, so does she. What, you're a Baby Drumstick kind of guy? Great, she's into Flat Pats all the way.
Face it: While you two are chowing down and enjoying your sticky late-night bar food, there's a good chance you'll both glance up at the same time, your sauce-soaked chins glimmering under the neon beer signs, and know, right then, right there, that you've just met your Perfect Chicken Wing Partner for life.
AWESOME!
Discovering those little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box
Put your hand up if you've ever accidentally yanked the entire roll of aluminum foil out of the box when you were trying to swipe a small slice.
My brother, if your hand is up right now, you are not alone.
See, I'm a bit clumsy in the kitchen. My oven burners are covered in burnt sauce stains, my sink drains are full of slithery rainbow-colored bits of last night's dinner, and my cupboard of really, really old Tupperware looks like a plastic factory exploded.
Add to these issues my apparent love of yanking entire sheets of aluminum foil clear out of the box. Honestly, I just give a little tug and out pops the entire roll, hitting the floor and rolling away while laughing its crackly metallic laugh.
Yeah, tell me that's not a pathetic scene: Cut to freeze-frame of tired-looking man in bedhead and sweatpants holding an edge of aluminum foil in one hand and an empty box in the other, then slowly pan down to a floor covered in a thick, shiny snake of crinkled metal.
The only thing that looks worse is the fat, crumpled rolled-back-up roll stuffed in the box when I try to put it together again.
Yes, we've all been there.
But guess what? High tens around the room because there is hope for People Like Us. Shockingly, I have recently discovered those little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box that hold the roll in place! Believe it, food preservation fans, because they truly exist.
Yes, the little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box can be indented so they anchor the roll in the box. Honestly, it's a jaw-dropping discovery--like finding ten bucks in your winter jacket, a secret pocket in your old blazer, or a long-lost son you thought died in a stormy shipwreck.
Now, whenever it was, whenever it is, whenever it will be: How good does it feel when you first discover those little tabs yourself? Give it up for a pretty good buzz.
So join me today as we give thanks to that modern miracle of the kitchen cupboard.
Those little tabs on the side of the aluminum foil box.
AWESOME!
Your favorite old, comfy T-shirt
Sure, maybe the collar's stretched, the iron-on's wearing off, and a moth ate a few holes in the back, but how good does that translucent, tight-fitting second skin feel when you squeeze into it and rock it down the street?
AWESOME!
The smell of freshly cut grass
Freshly cut grass smells like twilight in the countryside, a football game about to start at the park, or a sunny Saturday morning in the suburbs. So whether you're driving down a dusty farm road while the sun sets, stretching before the whistle blows, or putting your lawnmower back in the shed after crisscrossing your lot, just stop for a second, tip your head back real far, and take a big whiff, baby.
AWESOME!
A long hug when you really need it
Sometimes we all get rattled.
When bad news surprises you, painful memories flash back, or heavy moments turn your stomach to mush, it's great to fall into a warm and comforting pair of big, wide open arms.
Shaking with sobs, dripping with tears, you snort up your runny nose and smear snot across their shoulder as that hug relaxes you and comforts you and helps you get through everything, even for a minute, even for a moment.
Maybe there are "It's going to be okay" whispers, some gentle back rubbing, or just the quiet silence of knowing that they're not going to let go until you let go first. As their steady arms support you, and the pain washes over you, the hug gives you a warm glow in a shivery moment.
So when you eventually pull back, smile that classic "I'm sorry and thank you" smile, and swipe wet bangs off your forehead, you still might not feel great, but if you're lucky you'll feel a little more
AWESOME!
A good floss after a tough steak
How bad was the first steak you ever made?
I hope it was better than the charred shoe I served for dinner after forty minutes of grilling. Needless to say, I made sure there wasn't anything too raw in the middle there. Nothing too tasty either.
Of course, the worst part about a tough steak is how it haunts you for the rest of the evening in the form of tough, stringy bits of beef wedged tightly between your teeth. No matter how hard you twist and turn your tongue, sometimes they don't budge.
That's when you have to bring in the big guns. Yes, that beautiful pack of floss should do the job just fine, thank you very much.
So yank a piece out, snap a piece off, and get down to business. Flecks of chomped-up beef bits are released from tight molar deathgrips as your teeth enjoy a tiny moment of sweet relief.
AWESOME!
Dangling your feet in water
Feet need to breathe.
We already mentioned how your corny paws are sitting ugly at the bottom of the You Chain. Stepped on, squished on, dripping with sweat, they're down low all day getting no love and no respect.
So give them a well-deserved break. Peel those socks off, roll the jeans up, and flash them ankles, because it's time to drop your bare, aching feet into some cool water.
So whether it's the gentle lapping on the edge of the dock, soft waves bouncing at the side of the boat, or fountains raining in a public pool, the calming and soothing feeling is good for the soul and good for the soles.
AWESOME!
Salt
You're here because of salt.
Honestly, salt's ability to preserve food was a foundation of civilization. People figured they could take their food with them and skipped town with a lunch bag to see what was over the hills. Salt affected where roads were built, cities were constructed, and kingdoms flourished.
Get this: During the Roman Empire, caravans of up to forty thousand camels would mosey four hundred miles through the Sahara desert and trade salt for slaves at market. In the 1500s a vast Polish empire rose because of salt mines there but was wiped out when Germans figured out how to make sea salt instead. Salt caused wars and ended them, with ar
mies salting the earth before they left to really mess up their enemy's gardens.
Yes, salt was so valuable that it was used as currency. Even the word salary was derived from the Latin word salarium, which means money given to soldiers so they could buy salt.
These days salt costs a dollar and is available everywhere salt is sold. Sure, we've dumped it on dusty shelves at the back of the grocery store and preached about its terrible health effects in fitness magazines, but let me just say--straight up--that nothing can take away salt's mojo because here we go:
1. The lady, she brings the iodine. Health organizations suggest sucking back 150 micrograms of iodine a day to keep fit and have fun. Unless you're eating a lot of seaweed or fresh fish, the best way to pick this up is iodized salt. Sadly, the World Health Organization said in 2007 that more than two billion people have iodine deficiency, which results in thick goiters on the neck and stunted physical and mental growth. Not awesome.
2. Taste the rainbow. Have you ever tossed salt in a stir-fry of bland vegetables? Buddy, now you're talking. When you add salt, the flavors all have a coming-out party to celebrate. And thanks to salt's powers of preservation, you can enjoy your food long after harvest.
3. Fights ice real nice. Those of us from the snowy side of the planet know ice patches on roads and sidewalks are slippery death traps. But kind, giving salt, always there, always ready, busts up those death sheets without hesitation.
4. It's dirt cheap. Nobody gets top dollar for salt at the market anymore. Nowadays a handful of warm quarters scores you a year's supply.
5. Never quits its day job. Salt has a host of other uses. You gargle with it to help sore throats. Big companies use it to set dyes, keep things dry, and makes soaps and shampoos. Plus, if you've ever had a giant leech sucking on your neck, you know that tossing some salt in its face usually gets the job done.
Life sure would be bland without salt. So people, please: If you have a moment, just sit back and remember that salt's come a long way to be here today.
And we've come a long way because of it.
AWESOME!
When you know all the buttons to speed through the automated telephone system
If you've called your work voicemail system or local phone company so many times that you know how to jump through all the hoops to get right where you want, then you can Press 1 for being
AWESOME!
Laughing so hard you make no sound at all
AWESOME!
When you nudge the person snoring next to you and it makes them stop
Just tap your elbow in the rib cage a bit, maybe pat the belly, or if you're feeling particularly brave, give a kick to the back of the knees while loudly whispering Shhhhhh in his ears. If that still doesn't work, it's time to roll him on over, but don't worry: If he wakes up, it will only last a second and he'll never remember it tomorrow.
AWESOME!
The sound of ice cubes cracking in a drink
This is the sound of your drink getting colder.
It's the final moment in the sweet series of noises that get you ready for the first sip.
First there's the glass clinking on the countertop, the crack n' phshhhh of the soda can opening, the glug-glug-glug pour, the snapping of the ice cube tray, and the quiet bloopbloop of the cubes dropping in your drink.
These opening acts make way for the big show that is the loud satisfying sound of ice cubes cracking and splitting. As you smile and see your glass frosting up, it's time to give a little swirl and take the first sip.
AWESOME!
Solving the Wheel of Fortune puzzle before the people on the show
Sure, most of the time they beat you to the punch. But once in a while you manage to get in there and shout it out before they're done buying a vowel. Screaming out the right answer is great because it means you're smarter than three random people on TV. And since at the time you're gorging on a plate of cookies on the couch with your eyelids half-drooped, this is a pretty good feeling.
We'll take it.
AWESOME!
When the guy at the border doesn't ask any questions
Crossing the border is stressful.
Long lines, heavy fines, interview questions, passport inspections , and through it all you're hoping you don't get an angry customs guy on a power trip. After all, you're completely at his mercy. Unzipping your suitcase, quizzing you on your itinerary, all is fair game.
If you're like me, you get nervous and feel like you might mess up an answer to a question you really do know and sound like you're lying as a result.
"What's the purpose of your trip, sir?"
"Uh . . . what, sorry? Oh, um, I'm just, sorry, I'm just going to Chicago?"
"Please come with me."
That's why nothing beats the wave-through. Customs guy, when you deliver that muted two-finger keep-going wave we're loving you lots.
Thanks for letting us in.
AWESOME!
Really, really selling it while barbecuing
That thick, smoky barbecue smell floats through the yard and everybody starts salivating for dinner.
Yes, sizzling sides of beef and black-burnt wieners are coming right up as the sun's dropping, the party's hopping, and your friends are all chilling with ice-cracking drinks on your backyard patio. And if you're in charge of grilling up dinner, then there aren't many things that scream I'm Serious About This more than really, really selling it to all your friends. Oh sure, some things come close, such as:
* owning a shiny, oversized nine-piece barbecue tool set and having it folded open on the picnic table
* not leaving the barbecue at any point and even holding on to the handle when the lid is down to make sure nobody attempts to flip burgers when you aren't looking
* wearing a giant apron with your name on it
* asking everybody constant questions at all times such as "Did you say medium or medium-well?" and "You're toasted, you're toasted, you're un-toasted, right?"
Yeah, don't get me wrong, all those things shout I'm Serious About This too. But nothing quite screams it like really, really selling it to the crowd. You know what I'm talking about if you've ever hammed it up with any of these classic moves:
* "Dog up, I gotta dog up, who wants a dog?!"
* "Come on, Andrew, you're not eating salad, are you? Come on, how many more can I sign you up for? Two at least?"
* (walking around the deck with raised eyebrows holding a cold cheeseburger on your BBQ flipper and occasionally waggling it in someone's face)
* "Okay, I got a slightly burnt one. Who likes them nice and crispy? Nice and crispy one here, everybody. Niiiiiice and crispy."
Yes, if you're getting your barbecue groove on strong and you're rocking the sales pitch long, then kudos to you. Every deck party needs somebody to tell everybody else to eat more burgers. So today we salute you for embracing the job. You sold it. We bought it. And now we're all feeling stuffed, bloated, and so completely
AWESOME!
Locking people out of the car and pretending to drive away
There are so many different levels to this classic gag.
There's Version 1.0, which involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door, and the slow-rolling drive away while the victim knocks on the window and pretends not to care. Yes, victims have to avoid giving drivers the frustrated reactions they're looking for here. Folks, this is Locking People Out Of The Car And Pretending To Drive Away Lite, a tame version of the gag intended to induce a few giggles without any tense moments. Just some G-rated comic relief for the long drive home. Version 1.0 is the most commonly practiced out there and the officially recommended version by The Book of Awesome.
Next up is something a bit more advanced than Version 1.0 but not quite at the level of Version 2.0. We'll call it Version 1.5, also known as The Big Tease. Now, The Big Tease works as long as the victim leaves his car door open. That open door is critical to pull it off. To execute, the driver simply waits u
ntil the victim is approaching the car and then drives away slowly with the door hanging wide open like a big tease. This works fine on small or large cars but is especially effective in vans with sliding doors. You've got that big van door just sitting there wide open and the victim may figure it's worth running and jumping for it. There's really no telling what could happen in this situation. Just remember to be safe out there.
Next comes Version 2.0, which involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door, then a complete drive away, lap of the gas station, and return after a minute or two. Big difference here is that Version 2.0 dials up the fear notch a little, instills a bit of bootshake in our helpless victim. When the car comes back, some name calling goes down, but nothing too serious. Still, this one's not recommended for children twelve and under. Let's call it Rated T for Teen.
And then finally there's the granddaddy of them all, the one and only Version 3.0. A real cooker, Version 3.0 involves a carful of people, a gas station bathroom break, the locked door, then a full-out drive away into the sunset without any eventual return. The victim is left curbside, casually licking an ice cream cone and walking around for a couple minutes, expecting the car to come sweeping around the corner any second now. But no . . . the car never comes back. Unless practiced within walking distance of the victim's house, Version 3.0 can be devastating. And it's rarely executed and not recommended for obvious reasons: its potential to destroy relationships . . . to destroy relationships . . . forever.