AWESOME!
The Parking Lot Pull Through
Backing out of parking spots is no fun.
Turning side to side, checking mirrors, reversing real slowly, you're sizing up how far away your car is from another one. It's an awkward three, four, five-point turn, as you twist your spine up, scrape your tires up, dent a fender up, and barely avoid nailing a grocery cart up.
It's a risky, twisty game of Lot Danger.
So take no chances and go for that beautiful Parking Lot Pull Through, a classic parking move that lets you drive right in and drive right out. The trick to pulling it off is finding a double-empty parking spot, entering it, and then driving up into the second spot.
And it's great because you get two smirky, satisfied smiles for the price of one. When you nail that PLPT, you're loving it. When you return to your car and drive out, you're loving it again. For those of you keeping track at home, that's two awesomes for the price of one.
AWESOME!
AWESOME!
The three-paycheck month
Butcher, baker, candlestick maker.
No matter what, if you're working for The Man, there's a chance you're getting paid every two weeks. Maybe every other Thursday or every other Friday, maybe dollars dropped into bank accounts or fistfuls of sweaty change dropped into open palms.
All I know is if you're on this schedule, you're loving the couple months a year when you score three paychecks instead of two. Nobody knows why or how this happens, but let's hold hands today and agree not to question it. On that third pay-day, raise your eyebrows, glance left very slowly, glance right very slowly, nod slightly, and carry about your business.
If you're chiseling away at a mortgage, throwing in for car payments, or dropping coin on a fat phone bill, then you know the bliss that comes with having a tiny bit of extra cash above your monthly debts.
So go ahead: Supersize that combo, fill up with high-octane gasoline, or tuck it under your couch cushions for a rainy day.
AWESOME!
The smell of books
When I was a little kid my mom read to me before bed.
Actually, I suppose read with me would be more accurate. See, we had a deal. She read the left page and I struggled to slowly read the right, moving my finger over the words, letting her help me pronounce the big ones.
Over time we worked our way through many old collections from garage sales, bookstores, and libraries near our house. We learned about the lives of Mr. Men, Curious George, and The Berenstain Bears.
Sometimes we went to the bookstore on Saturday mornings for a treat.
I always loved walking on those creaky wooden floors, loitering at the big magazine rack, and chatting with the friendly staff covered in glasses, beards, and thick wool sweaters. I would sniff up that heady bookstore air full of fresh paper, cardboard boxes, binding glue, and lingering coffee fumes.
The smell of books reminds me of late nights cramming for biology exams between the library stacks at college. It reminds me of lying on my elbows on a warm beach towel by the ocean on summer vacation. It reminds me of the heavy set of encyclopedias in my living room when I was a kid, the ones I relied on to write last-minute reports on the praying mantis, Nigeria, or the 1972 Summer Olympics.
The smell of books reminds me of learning to read and learning to explore the world.
I love walking quietly through bookstores and thinking of how many stories lie hidden in the pages right beside us. Entire lives have been poured into mapping the Earth and conducting experiments, crafting mysteries and teaching languages, showing us how to cook and garden, and sending us on faraway trips to faraway worlds.
The smell of books is the smell of us all coming together to document, entertain, and explain things for ourselves now and forever. It's a big sniff of humanity, a big sniff of wisdom, and a great big sniff of
AWESOME!
Getting in a line before it gets really long
Lineups are everywhere.
There are short ones, fast ones, straight ones, and curly ones. Can you stomach the Top Five Killers? If not, look away, look away:
5. Airport security. Plastic bins, loafers, key chains, and laptops fly in all directions in the maddening chaos of the airport security lineup. Grannies get the beepdown and guards tear through purses looking for Terrorism, while folks jostle about awkwardly, emptying and refilling pockets, a sweaty feet smell hovering over everything.
4. The bank at lunchtime on Friday. Even if you only want the machine, chances are good you'll get stuck behind someone making four deposits.
3. Wherever you get your driver's license renewed. Throw mugshot photos and a few eye exams in the mix, and that lineup just wraps around and around and around all day.
2. The bathrooms right after a movie lets out. How bad is it when the line reaches right up to the inside of the bathroom door but no farther? Then you're the one opening that door to find a clump of fidgety folks wedged tightly in that Bathroom Lobby with their arms crossed and their faces scrunched up. It's a sardine tin of heavy bladders and dark clouds. Not a great scene.
1. Post-Christmas returns line. This is the worst of all. Honestly, you may as well keep that ice cream maker and novelty wine bottle opener at this point. Give up, go home, and drown your sorrows in a bottle of shiraz and a bowl of warm, runny orange sherbert.
So yeah, there are some terrible lines out there. Sometimes you beat them, sometimes they beat you, but one thing's for sure: It's great when you enter a classically long and winding line just before it gets long and winding.
Yes, when you're first through the maze of velvet ropes, when you beat the lunch rush at the sandwich place, when you score the employee who just came off break at the DMV, well--doesn't it feel like you bucked the system?
You can hardly believe your luck as you look back at the poor souls waiting. Smiling sadly, you shake your head because you know you'll be there again one day.
But this time you won the game, you're riding high, and you're feeling so completely
AWESOME!
Getting into a bed with clean sheets after shaving your legs
Stubble-free legs and cool, clean sheets combine to form a silky-smooth ride into Dreamland.
Or so I've heard.
AWESOME!
The Gas Arrow
Put your hand up if you've ever driven your car up to a gas pump only to notice after you've parked that your gas cap is on the other side.
My brother, if your hand is up right now, you are not alone.
See, some cars I've driven have the ol' gas hole on the starboard side and some on port. Due to my unfortunate affliction with gasholenorememberititis, I'm always parking the car the wrong way. Sure, I try desperately to notice the little gas-cap bulge in the side mirror when I pull up, craning my head wildly in both directions, and generally pretty sure I caught a quick glimpse of it as I pull in. But then I get out, notice I messed up, pound my fist on the trunk, and pull an awkward seven-point turn before anyone moves in to steal my spot.
It is a terrible thing.
But guess what? High tens around the room because there is hope for People Like Us. Shockingly, I have recently discovered The Gas Arrow! Yes, believe it, driving fans, because it truly exists. The Gas Arrow is a tiny little arrow right beside the picture of the gas pump, which tells you which side your car's gas hole is on! I know, it's crazy. And I guess whoever is responsible for marketing really dropped the ball on this one, because nobody I asked (n=3) has even noticed this before!
Yes, just look at that Gas Arrow, head nodding casually to the left or the right, a classy pal trying to tip you off real subtle like. It's a flashlight in a storage closet or a lighthouse on a foggy pier: The great, noble Gas Arrow, telling you which way to park your stupid car.
So thanks for the big helper, Gas Arrow. Until car companies start putting gas holes on both sides or they invent a new wireless gas that lets you fill up through the radio, I think I can speak for all of humanity when
I say that we love you and everything you stand for.
AWESOME!
Snow falling on Christmas Eve
Jumbo snowflakes falling thick and heavy on Christmas Eve are a special sight. They blur the world for a moment and lay a fresh blank canvas over everything. So if you're sitting inside listening to carols on the radio, sneaking extra cookies from the kitchen, or wearing a bright red sweater and chatting with family, take a moment to look out the window and just enjoy the scene.
AWESOME!
Playing with a baby and not having to change its diaper
Save your money.
Babies aren't interested in talking dolls, board games, or baseball. They just want to play Peekaboo, Patty Cake, Ripping Up Wrapping Paper, Breaking Your Glasses, or Sticking Their Hands In Stuff.
And playing with babies is great fun.
You don't need to hunt for batteries, find a set of dice, or put your shoes on. You just make faces, do baby-talk voices, and fly your hand around like an airplane. They laugh and giggle and suddenly you're a world-class entertainer.
It's great.
Until, of course, it's that time of the afternoon. You know what I'm talking about. Mommy or Daddy pops in, picks up the baby, does the classic Reverse Angle Diaper Peek move, and finds a chocolate factory working overtime back there.
When they say, "Looks like somebody needs a changing!" that's your cue to slink off silently to the kitchen. The party's on pause during your daring Dirty Diaper Dash, but it's back on ten minutes later when you casually show up and ask, "Hey, can I play with the baby again?"
AWESOME!
Squeezing a little more juice out of dying batteries
It happens when you least expect it.
As you lie on the couch late at night flipping between talk shows and sports highlights, the volume button suddenly stops working. So you push it really, really hard until it eventually zaps into gear. But you have to face it: Those remote control batteries are dying. You know it and I know it. And there are only five possible junk science moves you've got to squeeze out some more juice.
Here they are in order of complexity:
1. The wait. This is what amateurs do. It's called waiting a while and then hitting Volume again a minute later. If this is your only move, then you've got a lot to learn.
2. Flip-flop till they drop. This is a simple and extremely ineffective move. Crack open the back of the remote and switch spots between batteries. Give it a shot, but nobody's promising anything.
3. Ay, there's the rub. Some people swear that popping the batteries out and rubbing them together charges them up. "It has to do with ions," my brother-in-law Dee once said with a straight face. Better hope so or you're trying the next move.
4. Shake it like a Polaroid picture. My old high school computer teacher taught us that shaking batteries helps move the battery acid around and gets them working again. I didn't say he was a good teacher. You risk looking foolish, so best not to try this at birthday parties or in front of an audience.
5. The Robin Hood. Let's say the batteries are dying in your digital camera and your DVD player remote takes the same size. You hardly touch the remote, so they're practically full. Donating them to the digital camera and bringing the camera's barely alive organs back to the remote is like robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. If it works you're laughing.
Hey listen, if you've ever scored big with any of these, then I'm right there with you. Frankly, we all try them because here's the dirty secret about batteries: No one knows how they work. Honestly, could you put one together? Do you know what's in there? I've got no clue.
If I had to guess, I'd say battery acid is harvested from the bark of a rare species of tree in a tiny distant island country where it's the number one export. Though their struggling economy is barely afloat, wealthy battery acid tycoons sip expensive champagne in living rooms full of remote control cars, talking dolls, and cordless radios.
Whatever they are, wherever they come from, when you squeeze a bit more juice from a set of dying batteries, it's like you're suddenly Dr. Frankenstein.
"Rise!" you scream at your remote. "Rise, rise, rise!"
Lightning flashes in the windows and thunder crashes in the distance as the volume bar appears on screen and slowly starts moving up.
AWESOME!
Falling asleep in the backseat of a car late at night on the drive home
Moonlit skies, stained plush seats, and a quietly revving engine combine to form a perfectly cozy late-night bed on the long drive home.
Whether you're a baby in a car seat, a teen getting a lift from the party, or Grandma cabbing home from Bingo, there's nothing like drifting into Dreamland in that rusty Volvo on the slow and swervy country back roads.
Yes, those tires rumble over empty lanes as headlights pop over hilltops, warm your eyelids, and whoosh past, leaving the entire cab pitch black except for the faint glow of the distant dashboard clock.
And if you're little and you're lucky, you might score valet service, which includes wearing pajamas under your winter coat and getting carried up to your bed after you get home. It feels so good you might even pretend to be asleep just to pull it off.
AWESOME!
Ordering off the menu a t fast food restaurants
Ever had a Neapolitan shake from McDonald's?
One where they layer the chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla flavors in the same cup, creating a thick, icy, slow-moving light-brown-swirls-with-pink-flecks taste sensation? Yeah, my friend Chad was a regular customer of those. Of course, when he was working at McDonald's, he got sick of the regular menu pretty quickly and started tinkering in the back like a mad scientist with his coworkers, developing exotic, unstable, and unpredictable meal creations with the ingredients on hand. There were failed attempts, like the Chicken McNugget Flurry, but sometimes they struck gold and created a new off-the-menu line extension.
Now, my world opened up when I first realized with Chad that you could order off the menu at fast food restaurants. Since then I've learned about other secret options around. Like for instance:
* Wendy's--The Grand Slam. If the single, double, or triple hamburgers at Wendy's just don't cut it for you, go all out and order the massive four-patty grand slam. Also known as the Classic Quadruple or Meat Cube.
* Wendy's--The Barnyard. Are you ready for this? Loaded with a beef patty, spicy chicken breast, bacon strips, and a slice of cheese between each layer, this one's perfect for frat hazings.
* Starbucks--The Short Cup. Even though the smallest size on the Starbucks menu is a Tall they do offer a secret Short size behind the counter. Perfect for that between-coffee-breaks coffee.
* Starbucks--The Red Eye. A cup of coffee with a shot of espresso dumped in. Now, I'm not a huge coffee drinker, but apparently you can even upgrade this to two shots, which is called a Black Eye. I presume upgrading to three shots is called a Jumpy, Unblinking Eye.
* Subway--The Quesadilla. Late at night, the staff might whip one of these up for you if you're lucky. Chicken, cheese, and veggies pancaked between two wraps and popped in the oven.
* Subway--The Pizza Sub. Apparently this one's like Sasquatch. There are scattered sightings everywhere and some grainy videos that may have been tampered with. While we're at it, another favorite from Subway is simply the old cut, where they dig a trench in your bread instead of just slicing it, leading to better cold cut and veggie distribution. Also known for causing The Wing Effect , where your bologna hangs out the sides of your sandwich for some tasty pre-nibbles.
* In-N-Out Burger--Animal Style Hamburger. The well-known "secret menu" at In-N-Out features this heavenly gem--their regular burger patty cooked in mustard, then topped with extra pickles, extra spread, and grilled onions. For bonus points try Animal Style Fries too.
* Most Fish & Chip places--Batter Bits aka Scraps. I knew a girl who was all over these. She'd lean over the counter with a guilty whisper and the cashier would nod slowly and hand over a wet, greasy
paper bag full of batter drippings that fell in the oil by accident. Yeah, this is the bottom of the barrel of off-the-menu stylings. I didn't say it was pretty out there.
* McDonald's--The Flavor Saver. This one isn't that common, but it's where the very nice employee pumps a shot of hot caramel or fudge in the bottom of your ice cream cone. Last Tasters go nuts for this, as you can imagine.
* McDonald's--Fries with Big Mac Sauce (pictured). Lots of people put fries right on the burger, which I agree tastes delicious. But this technique allows you to switch things up a bit and put some of your burger's best feature right on your fries. Ignore protests from your arteries and ask for a little cup of Mac Sauce on the side for dipping.
* McDonald's--Big Mac with McChicken or Quarter Pounder patties (pictured). The bun-heavy Big Mac surgically altered into a meat-heavy Half Pounder or Big McChicken. Now you're much less likely to get that dreaded All-Bun first bite.
Now, I'm sure there are hundreds of other off-the-menu gems that I've never heard of or know about. But that's the beauty! There are all these little surprises just waiting to be discovered. What possible fast food mouth love will you discover next?
Ordering off the menu at fast food restaurants is a great deal. Maybe you're a loyal customer looking for that new taste. Maybe you have strict dietary restrictions, so it's either off the menu or no menu at all. Or maybe you're just a grumpy guy who makes personal requests with a deep scowl and a few thumping cane stomps.