Yours are magic words. How I wish it were that easy.
“I wouldn’t give a fuck even if you had asked for their heads,” he repeated. “Don’t let them destroy what we have. Don’t let them taint what you feel for me. I couldn’t stand that, for us to be so close to having it all, only to lose it because of them. You would only be letting them win. They have taken one man from you. Are you going to deliver me to their ghosts?”
She swallowed, feeling her rapid pulse beating under his index finger. Just the idea that someone could know the truth about her, not judge her and still love her, left Sophia overwhelmed with relief and happiness. “You don’t really mean that.”
“Aye, I do. There is a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay, Renascence.” His eyes asked if she knew it and she shook her head. “You should read it. It speaks of the immense mystery of the universe, which is full of emotion, confusion, pain, sin. Everything that’s happened to us, let’s leave it in the past. We need to be reborn and have our second chance. The depth of our faith is being tested, along with the power of our love. We are not supposed to be flattened souls.” He looked into her eyes. His forest-green eyes flashed and he breathed, “Do you love me, Sophia?” Say aye!
He watched as she blinked, unsure, and her ribcage expanded and deflated.
“Those things in your closet…” His hand was making Sophia remember sensations only he could make her feel.
Memories came rushing back to her. The way he made her feel alive, happy, the pleasure he extracted from her body, and the bliss—endless bliss she found when she was beside him. She needed to put some distance between them to rationalize.
Sophia disengaged her hand and stood up, wincing at the pain in her back, as she forgot and leaned on it to push off the chair. What was I thinking? She stood by the railing, looking at the calm transparent waters of the channel lapping at the thin strip of rock and sand just below her suite.
Alistair noticed her careful movement. “Do you still hurt from the fall?”
Not just from the fall. “Yes,” she lied, dismissing his concern and gazing at the calming view. “I’ve taken some painkillers.”
“Sophia. Talk to me. I’m listening and I can explain all the things that I’m sure you can’t understand, even after the research you did.”
“The things in your closet; the, quote unquote, touch of pain and violence you asked for sometimes…I went to a sex shop. I Googled the names of the things I saw there. Do you know what I found?” She raised her eyes to peer at him and hooded them again. “Dozens of shopping sites and lots of hardcore porn. I even looked up a case that my foundation dealt with recently and restudied it. I’ll never be able to fulfill your needs. Our marriage would be a shooting star. In some of the websites…there was blood and…some I couldn’t even bear to look at. In others, you have to agree to terms and identify yourself to see their hardcore videos. They were disgus—” She swallowed a sob. I will not cry. I will not.
“Disgusting, I know. I saw. Davidoff gave me access to what you Googled.” He rose and stood in front of her. His knuckles tenderly caressed her face. “But you should know by now that not everything you see on the internet is real.”
“No, it is not. Reality’s worse. My foundation had a real case where the woman almost died from spanking and whipping. She had to go to a psychiatric clinic for six months, because she couldn’t let go of her…preferences.” Her hand went to her throat, her breathing labored. “It was horrible. You told me you did some…perverted things. And that you liked it. I could never imagine…how can anyone feel pleasure by hurting, spanking, scarring, and torturing others?”
“I never went that far. I had limits, and I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.” He cupped her face to lift it, but she resisted. How can I explain? “Sophia, look at me.”
Sophia could not, dared not. She would succumb. She should have listened to Alice and Tavish when they had tried to warn her. She should have asked for a background check from Mendes like Edward wanted. Now, I, a warped woman, am helplessly in love with a warped man. It figures. “If you don’t do it anymore…why did you keep those things?”
“In the beginning, I thought I could convince you…I needed to test you.” Alistair threw a hand in his hair. “It’s difficult for me to explain this. I had to see how far you would go, and to be honest, I needed to test my own limits. But you drew a very firm line and…the day I decided I wanted to marry you, I threw away everything I thought you wouldn’t like. From my London apartment. I simply forgot to do the same at Airgead and Ells Hall. I will not deny that I like to have you under my control, blindfolded and strapped to our bed, and I like sex toys and a few slaps. I wouldn’t go much further than that. You liked it too…didn’t you?”
“Yes. Surprisingly, yes. But let me stress this: I don’t like pain. I mean…a light, gentle slap can be arousing, but not spanking or whipping. Never that. How much further will you want to go? How much can I take before I lose it?” She sat on the chair and he sat in front to her. She looked down at their knees touching. Raw pain coursed through her veins just at the thought of losing him. “Pain has never been a turn-on for me. I’ll never share you with another and I’ll never have sex with another woman—or man—for your pleasure. For how long will you be satisfied with me and our vanilla sex?” she sneered at the term, bitterly. “And…there is my part in all of this as well. There is nothing I crave more than to be with you. However, I’ve concluded I don’t know you—I never did—and I assure you, you don’t know me either. I’m not an angel of purity. We’ll destroy each other in the long run. I’m sorry, Alistair Connor, but I truly meant good-bye.”
Alistair was stunned by the firmness of her words. He schooled his face to hide the pain that sliced his heart and the anger that was bubbling in his veins. Patience, Alistair Connor. Patience. If you want her, you have to persevere. He gripped her cold hand tightly between his.
“We have to talk. You can’t decide all this on your own,” he said sternly.
Oh, no? Sophia looked at him. He gave very little away with his poker-face, but she was a lawyer, trained to notice body language and she could see that he was suffering. I hate this expression of yours. Show your feelings, dammit. This is not business. Then she scolded herself. Your problem, Sophia, is that you don’t know what you want. What would you do if he showed his feelings?
“I may be Mr. Hyde, but I’m not a monster who only gets pleasure from mutilating people. Some of the porn you watched was too hardcore. Even for me. I don’t do orgies. Oh, aye, I like sexy lingerie, high-heels, short dresses, lace and leather. And I did a few threesomes. A lot of men do.”
Alistair’s tone was so serious that Sophia peeked at his face. It was drawn taut. She thought about questioning his statement about the threesomes, but let it go. It would do no good. The main issue was not his sexual preferences, but her sins. She had thought this over and had talked with Dr. Kent, her brother, and Edward. She was also the one in the wrong.
Alistair was discomfited by having to explain his ways.
He was aggravated by her resistance.
He was turned on by her presence, her soft skin under his fingers, her sweet smell invading his bloodstream.
“I like my women sated and pleased. Rather, my woman. You.” He squeezed her hand. “I did some things I’m not proud of, but it was like…snorting cocaine. Difficult to stop and it left you always needing more. Unfortunately, Heather was there to offer it to me. I was young, Sophia.” He raked his hand through his hair and Sophia’s hand itched to do the same. “Nae. Young is not the correct adjective. I was an inexperienced, arrogant idiot. If I had the experience I have now, I would have never fallen for Heather. I would never have started a relationship so wretched that it scarred my soul. And then I carried on, because I needed to let out my deep anger. Against myself, and against the women that were so eager to please me. Not anymore.”
“Are you trying to tell me that you don’t like those things anymore?” she w
hispered, watching his face attentively.
“Aye. And much more, if you are willing to listen. The more I did it, the more I wanted. You were right, it debased me as much as I debased the women I was with. I swear to you that I’m more than satisfied with my sexual life with you. If you say you don’t want to be blindfolded or tied anymore, I won’t do it. I don’t need it to feel pleasure with you, my love. I don’t like labels, but let me give names here. BDSM. The acronym comes from six terms.” He raised four fingers, spread apart, and joined them in pairs, “Bondage and discipline, the BD, dominance and submission, the DS, and sadism and masochism, the SM. It’s a…type of role-play, or lifestyle choice, like Heather’s and mine,” he shrugged sheepishly. “We—she used her painful experiences and my power over her to create, uh, sexual tension, pleasure, and release. However, just like with anything else, too much of a thing…it started to scratch me raw. It had a detrimental effect. Because she wanted more and more. More pain. More sex. More partners. Less limits. She was addicted and I became addicted too.”
“But…” She frowned and looked at him. “Addiction is characterized by an impairment in behavioral control. It’s a deep craving. Something that takes away your ability to resist what you are addicted to. And it diminishes your capacity to recognize significant problems affecting one’s behavior and relationships.”
“You’ve just described the Alistair Connor before Sophia.”
“BSDM is—” Alistair opened his mouth to correct her but she waved it away. “Whatever. It’s considered a deviant sex practice and grounds for a sexual disorder diagnosis. It’s a crime.”
He raised his brows at her fierce accusation. “I think this is largely cultural. BDSM is certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, but I think it is unnecessarily vilified and made to seem more pathological than it really is.”
“Are you telling me it’s acceptable? Oh, for God’s sake, Alistair Connor!”
He tilted his head to the side for a moment, looking for words. “Listen, before you give me your opinion. BDSM sex is unapologetic sex concerned with generating intense sensual experiences; it is sex for pleasure—”
“You have a strange definition of what is pleasurable,” she sneered.
Right. His lips quirked up for a split second.
“I’m a lawyer with experience in this field. You’re not going to convince me. The problem with this kind of sex is that the participants keep pushing the limits, they need stronger emotions after each step taken.”
You’re not so wrong. He looked away from her face. “It isn’t like this for everyone. You’re generalizing.”
“I had a case—”
“Sophia. I can bet that in this case, the guy was an abuser. He was probably a pseudo-dominant who was using his power over his submissive to mask an abusive relationship.”
“So, you are—”
He put a finger on her lips. “There is a considerable distinction between a dominant and an abuser. However in my case…you are right. It was an addiction. Heather couldn’t stop thinking about BDSM sex. And, to tell you the truth, when I tried to cut it back, when I tried to stop…I couldn’t. It was just as powerful and destructive as any other addiction.”
She was silent, waiting for the outburst she felt was coming.
“I started to be secretive about my relationship with her. There wasn’t intimacy, communication, or trust between us anymore. I lost my friends and our relationship started to become troubled. I tried to justify my actions and when I couldn’t, I…abandoned myself. I lost touch with reality. I ignored my feelings.” His lips thinned and then the corners came down. “I felt guilty because she was always complaining that she felt rejected, that I wasn’t the same, or so she told me. She started to lie and keep secrets from me. When I discovered she’d cheated on me, I felt ashamed and a failure. She…”
“She abused you,” Sophia stated. “It was a relationship marked by abuse.”
“Aye. She did. But normally, these relationships are not always about whips and pain. Without the pathological side, BDSM is something much more delicate and sexually sublime. You just have to tell me. You are more important to me than anything.”
I can’t falter. Just a few more days. She didn’t answer, turning her profile to him.
Fuck! Don’t do this to me, Sophia. I can’t live without you. “Look at me, Sophia.” She didn’t turn her head. He curled his fingers under her chin. “Please.”
Slowly, ever so slowly, she looked at him. “Don’t push me. We have unresolved issues and…” So many things we’ve never talked about. “I don’t really mind gentle slaps or some bondage, however…I believe sex should never involve pain or humiliation of the partner. That’s abuse.”
He closed his eyes for a brief moment and whispered, “I agree.”
“I’ve researched and—”
“Sophia, I know you can’t really understand what I had with Heather. You can’t understand what losing Nathalie…in that horrendous way, did to me. I can tell you that it screwed with the little good that was left inside me. I became an abuser too. And I almost crossed the line with you too. I guess that Heather was the worst partner to be in this kind of relationship with.” He sighed. “I tried to push you away when I realized that I was falling for you. I was afraid of loving again. Afraid that you might not return my strong feelings. I can’t live without you. I thought that I could walk away, but I can’t. I tried to convince myself that you’d be better off if I weren’t a part of your life. But I can’t be so altruistic.”
She didn’t know how to respond, but her cold resolution melted at the obvious pain in his voice and the sincere look he gave her. His ready admittance that he had flaws, softened her resolve to say no.
“I want our relationship to be based on desire, pleasure, and exultation. I don’t want it tarnished by disgust, guilt, or torment. I have thought a lot. I’m sure it can be sensuous and enjoyable without the things you don’t like. I—you know that I’m an alpha. It’s just my personality. I need the control. I need to be in charge.”
Sophia was startled by his honesty. Warily, she said, “That’s what I’m saying. I cannot abide—”
He put a finger on her lips. “You’re not listening. I’m not talking about sex, about BDSM. Let’s forget about this label and let me put it in other words. There is one thing I can’t change about myself. I’m a leader. In every way. This is all about attitude.” He smiled down at her, pleading with his eyes. “Can you accept me as I am? A domineering caveman?”
I can and I do. Give me a few days, and I will say yes! I just can’t answer you right now. I don’t want you to know. She looked down, avoiding answering him.
“Mo chridhe?”
How can I resist his charm? A small smile graced her lips and some of her sadness seeped away. She breathed more freely and his scent hit her fully. Sweet Vanille and hot Alistair Connor. The perfect combination.
She missed him. A lot.
“Answer me, Sophia. Can you accept me as I am? Do you love me?” Oh, Christ! What did I do to deserve this stubborn wee lass? He almost smiled because it was written all over her face that she loved him. He raised his head and the hunger that flared in his eyes made heat pool in her belly.
I can’t, Alistair Connor, don’t push me. “I’m not the right woman for you.” Well, I am. But I need a few days.
“I think I should be the judge of that.” His thumb began to stroke the column of her neck and his gaze went to her mouth.
His heart stopped as he waited for her answer.
I do. She couldn’t confess. She was too frightened of what would happen if she did. “I’m sorry, Alistair Connor. My answer is still no,” she informed him firmly, finding strength from deep within. “I don’t believe in great changes. You are who you are. I am who I am.” Her head dropped and her hair curtained her face.
All right, Sophia. You have earned a few hours. He contained his impatience. “Sophia, you are an intelligent woman. I’ll email you some lin
ks for you to read about healthy, kinky sex. And I expect you to do your homework.”
“Please, give me some space. Please,” she whispered, barely holding herself together. All she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and confess that she loved him.
“I will no’ go away, Sophia. I will no’ let you out of my sight. You are mine, do you understand? Mine.” Irritation ran under his smooth tones. He was angry with himself for not being able to convince her. And with her, for not giving in to the feelings that were begging to be freed. “Woman, you would try the patience of a saint.”
“You, as you have told me time and again,” she declared with a sneer, “are no saint, my lord.”
“A point you would do well to bear in mind. I’m no’ so easily discouraged, Sophia. Do you think you are going to dispatch me this easily? You are entirely wrong. I’m staying in the suite at the end of the corridor.”
“I am not dispatch—” Oh, Alistair Connor.
You love me. I can see that. Why are you keeping me at bay? “I will see you at lunch. And you’d better eat. I don’t like a skinny woman.” Alistair had run out of patience. He needed to leave her before he threw her over his shoulder, locked her in his room, and made love to her until she said yes.
Pausing in the middle of the room, he looked over his shoulder. “At least Gabriela missed me.”
When he reached the door, Sophia whispered, “You’re a heartless, ruthless manipulator.”
He looked back over his shoulder again, and smiled triumphantly at her, his forest-green eyes flashing. “I always knew that was one of my finest qualities.”
She had planned to feign coldness and send him away before he could see how much she had missed him.
But Sophia knew she could not; would not.
She could not pretend to be impervious to the love she saw shining in his eyes. She would not.
For reasons only God knows, she had changed something inside him.
And he had changed something inside her too.