Thankfully, they didn’t ask me any more questions and soon, Chesser asked me if I was ready for bed. I followed him to the next trailer and walked into his bachelor pad. It wasn't dirty; there was just nothing in it. The one couch and a TV on top of a box was the only thing in the living room at all.
"Uh…I'll take the couch. You can have my bed."
"No," I interrupted. "I don't want to take-"
"When was the last time you slept in a bed?" he asked and looked at me from under his lashes.
"A long time," I admitted.
"You're taking the bed," he insisted. "I'll take the couch, it's fine. My shift starts at eight, so we'll get an early start."
I nodded and said, "Thank you, Chesser."
"I know you have a family to go home to and all, but it feels…kind of wrong to let you go back there when I know you guys have it rough."
"We all have it a little rough right now." I smiled. "We’ll be fine. We always have been."
He tipped his head once. "Goodnight."
"Night."
I went straight down the hall to the impossibly small bedroom and landed right on the mattress. I was exhausted and I didn’t even take my shoes off. They hung off the end of the bed and I smelled the man whose bed I was in as I drifted to sleep thinking about Merrick and Lily. Wishing I was home, but taking this small comfort for now.
"I don’t need to be the king of the world, as long as I'm the hero of this little girl! Heaven isn't too far away! Closer to it every day. No matter what your friends say…"
I jolted and for a second wondered how Warrant had made their way into my bedroom. Then I growled at the alarm and slapped the 'Shut Up' button. Chesser made his way in and rubbed as his head and neck. "Wakey, wakey."
"So I heard," I grumbled, but straightened. "Thanks. I slept like a dead person."
"Good. I'm gonna shower and then I'll be ready in about ten. All right?"
"Sure."
"There's coffee in the pot."
"Coffee?" I said, but it came out like this dreamy sigh. I said 'coffee' like one would say 'Ryan Gosling'. I cleared my throat as he laughed at me. "Thanks."
"No problem," he said, still laughing as he made his way to the hall and that tiny bathroom I passed last night. "Make yourself at home," he called out before shutting the door.
I practically ran to the kitchen. I took the cup in my hands that he had apparently left out for me and poured the brown brew slowly. It smelled better than chocolate. He even had creamer! It was powdered which was normally yuck worthy, but today, I just didn’t care. I threw in some sugar and took my first sip of coffee in forever.
It slid, hot and delicious, down my throat. I sighed and licked my lips. They were a little cracked under my tongue. I turned to peer at myself in the mirror of the microwave door. I almost gasped at what I saw.
Haggard did not even describe how I looked. I hadn't seen myself in weeks. There were no mirrors in the warehouse. We didn't need them anyway, but this was…a situation. We were all getting thin, I knew. We tried not to bring it up or talk about it, but things had gotten dire. I looked at my arms and hands. I really looked at them. Not only was I thin, but I was almost grey. It was like my skin held no tone, no color, no…life.
I remembered Merrick's beard as I left, not as full as the other's, but a beard nonetheless, and his shirt was so stained from the lack of soap. He had gotten thinner, too.
I sipped my coffee and tried to think about getting to them, not about the things wrong with us.
I heard rain hitting the roof softly, then at more volume. By the time Chesser got out of the shower, the coffee was gone and the rain was coming down in droves. He was already wearing his uniform and looked ready to go. He said as much and I told him where to go. It would take a little while to get out there and I just hoped that I beat the search party that I knew Merrick was planning.
He followed me as we made our long trek down that highway. I felt kind of bad that he had to drive all the way out there just to see me home, but he said that he was just patrol anyway. That's all they did was drive around looking for anything suspicious and answer calls.
So I led the way back to our warehouse in the rain and hoped that I happen to pass Cain on the way. But I didn't pass Cain on the way and the rain had finally stopped. When I saw the top of the warehouse in the distance I literally squealed to myself in the Jeep. As soon as I pulled in, with the mud flying, I saw them loading the van. They all turned to look at who it was and when I saw Merrick, I slammed on the brakes. I yanked open my door and took off.
He dropped the bag he'd been holding and blurred to me, picking me up and holding me against him. I dropped a kiss to his mouth and he kissed me back with the passion of seven suns. One minute I was standing in the parking lot, the next we were in a sauna in Cuba!
Oh, God, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you….
That continued in my mind and I fought my tears before pulling back a bit. He laid his forehead to mine in true Merrick fashion and breathed his happy sigh against my face.
I heard from behind me, "I'm assuming this is the husband."
I turned to introduce Chesser, but everyone was surrounding him with their guns and stakes."He's not a Lighter! Don’t stake him!" I pulled Miguel's arm.
"Worse in my book, love! He's an Enforcer!" He glanced to Billings. "Sorry, mate."
"No offense taken," Billings said easily.
"He's helping me," I insisted. "He made sure I got home safely."
"Or he's just leading the rest of them right to us," Miguel proclaimed with a twitch of his hand on his stake.
"I can tell if he's lying, remember?"
That made him pause. "Yeah. I forgot." He looked at me. "You're sure?"
"I'm sure."
He lowered the stake, but didn't holster it. That was as good as I was getting with Miguel. The rest of them lowered their weapons, too. Chesser turned slowly to Billings, who was at his back. "Enforcer Billings?"
"Yeah," he answered, "what's it to you?"
"You went through my mentor class. You don't remember?"
Billings squinted at him. "Eh."
Chesser waved in dismissal. "Whatever." He turned to me. "I got you home and now I've got to get back."
"You could stay, but I know you won't," I offered.
"There's too much good I could be doing out there. But thanks. We'll cross paths again. You know where I am if you need me."
I crossed to him in the mud and hugged him. "Thank you. For everything."
"No problem," he whispered and set me back. "I have a good feeling about this."
"About what?"
"About us running into each other. I think…I think the war's about to take a turn."
I thought of Lily and Ellie and their new gifts. "I think you're right."
He waved and started toward his car. Danny and Miguel both yelled, "You're letting him go?"
"He's an Enforcer! We could use him if nothing else," Miguel argued.
"I'll explain everything later, I promise, but he needs to be out there. He's doing good for us."
Miguel sighed and twirled the stake in his hand. Then he pouted. "So we don't get to stake anyone?"
I laughed. "Why are you so blood thirsty!" I hugged him around his middle. "Thanks for coming to get me though. Even if it was just the parking lot."
"Anytime," he said and squeezed me. "All right, let's get back into this box of bricks before you make me wail like a woman." He stood straighter. "Wait, where's Cain?"
I felt my throat tighten. "There was an incident." Merrick's hand tightened around mine. "I'll tell you about it when we get inside. He's alive…I think. Someone…they took him. The rebels took him."
Everyone was silent for a moment before Danny asked, "So what did that Enforcer guy do to help you?" I noticed him for the first time and felt ashamed. I hugged him to me.
"He just told me all the good things they're doing on the roads and at the facilities. There are a few
of them that know the truth and try to help the rebels."
"Ah," Miguel drawled, "so he's a real figjam." He scoffed as he took the first ladder rung and started climbing. "I know his type!" He yelled down. "Good riddance!"
I shook my head and watched as the rest of them made their way up the ladder. Jeff winked at me. I mouthed a 'Thank you' to him. I felt bad that they always got dragged into my drama.
I felt Merrick's arm go around me from behind, his face on my shoulder. I rubbed his cheek with my thumb and turned my face to him as much as I could. "I'm sorry I worried you."
"Nah, you didn't. We were just getting some fresh air," he joked.
I turned full on then and tried to smile up at him. "Such a bad liar. I'm so sorry."
"It wasn't your fault."
"They took him," I heard my voice scratch. "They took him and all I could do was stand there."
He held my face firmly. "Cain can take care of himself. Let's go talk and see what happened, then we'll see if we need to go after his sorry behind."
He was trying to act like it wasn't bothering him, but it was. Cain was his best friend. I felt like pond scum. He pulled my face up and kissed me gently, once, twice, three times and I lost count. "Thank you for coming back to me," he whispered, his anguish evident.
"Thank you for coming after me."
"Anytime, sweetheart. Anytime."
I took the first ladder rung, but stopped. "Oh! I almost forgot."
I ran back to the Jeep and Merrick followed. I threw open the back hatch and pulled the first unmarked box out. "What is this stuff? It's not all…" I opened the lid and showed him the gleaming cans of fruit just waiting to be devoured by our family.
He looked at me in an awe filled, stunned expression. "Miguel!" he yelled to stop him from going inside. Miguel peered from the roof and Merrick waved him down. "How did you do this?"
"I used every opportunity to my advantage," I said and tried not to frown.
"You forgot to turn off the car," he said off handedly, not taking his eyes from the food, and turned to do so. But stopped. "You..." That look was back. "You hotwired the car?"
"I had to," I answered.
"Oh, my…" He wrapped me up in another embrace and spoke against my hair. "I'm so sorry for ever doubting you." He leaned back and smiled. "Wow, you're incredible."
"I try," I said coyly. He rested his forehead to mine. "I love you," I said.
"That never gets old," he replied and chuckled. "Gah, I love you."
"I know."
It's So Hard To Say Goodbye
Chapter 20
Daniel
Fate had the whole bunker empty of anyone of importance and rank. They all left to find Sherry and Cain, who had not come home at their time to. And my stupid human conscience was taking a beating for it. I had hoped that Cain wouldn't return, but I hadn't figured Sherry into that equation.
The thought of Cain not returning yesterday had given me almost a happiness. But today, watching Lillian pace with actual tears in her eyes, made me feel an ache inside. Not a good ache.
And Sherry had been nothing but hospitable and caring for me.
It felt strange to feel so…ashamed.
Marissa and Lily were doing some sort of math problems. A form of human education, I assumed. I listened in and found myself laughing at little Lily's answers and the way she worded things. Her little blonde headed bobbed and jiggled as she laughed and spoke. I had stayed away from her since she saved me. I didn't really understand why. But the fact that I had watched her take the life of my brother and give it to her Keeper father could have something to do with it.
It wasn't that I was afraid of her, it was more like I didn't feel worthy to be near her. She held a power in her innocent hands that beguiled us all. And to be so close to that made me feel as if I was spoiling it.
To be honest, I had stayed away from everyone. No one had come right out and said they blamed me, but the Graphter had said all of this was my fault. That my changing sides had messed up the balance and so, he was created. I couldn't tell if people were angry with me or not. No one spoke to me before all this and no one had started since then. Things were same, which didn't help me in my conclusions. But I could imagine they couldn't be happy with the developments.
Marissa saw me looking and tilted her head to the side as if figuring out something. Then she waved to me in a way that suggested I join them. Was I going to be in trouble for watching them?
I got up from my perch on the floor and walked in their direction. Lily smiled at me and I formed a smile to match hers. "Hello, young Lily."
"Hi, Daniel. Wanna know what four plus four is?"
"Of course."
"It's eight. Maybe you should come do some school with me."
"I would love that one day," I answered truthfully. Anything this child asked of me was instantly something I had no intention of refusing.
"Uncle Cain and Mommy are late," she said and pursed her lips a little.
"I heard that." I also noticed that Marissa had said not a word to me. She just watched and I let her. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure!"
"My brother…I mean, the Lighter that you…took and used to save your father. What happened to him?"
"He went home."
I jolted. "You sent him home?"
"Mhhmm. He can't come back. He wasn't too happy about dat," she said and gave me a look. "He said I was a little fool, but I don't know what dat means."
Marissa chuckled and covered her mouth, but I didn't laugh. "I'm sorry he said that."
"It's ok. Do you want to go home, too?"
I was taken aback by her comment. Did I? What was waiting there for me if I did? Nothing. I shook my head a 'No'. "I just wanted to know if there were others like me out there; other Lighters who might have switched sides like me."
"No, Daniel. You are the only one." She said it so clearly that it seemed out of place. Marissa stared at me. It was unnerving. I felt like it was two against one, but I didn't even know what the wager was.
Marissa's eyes fluttered a little and she gasped, the smallest intake of breath, and finally spoke. "Daniel, do you feel like…you have something you're supposed to be doing?"
"You mean like taking out the trash?"
She smiled a little. "No. I mean like in the grand scheme of things. Do you feel like you serve a purpose that no one else can serve."
I thought about it. "I am so jumbled on the inside I have no idea what I feel."
She nodded. "Do you want to have purpose?"
I didn't know why, but I nodded emphatically. She reached across the counter and whispered, "Don't fight it."
When she touched my cold hand I got this sense of importance. It washed over me in warmth and color and I closed my eyes to it. There was a part of me that wanted to pull back, to reject whatever this gift was she was giving me, but I held still. When she finished, she removed her hand and waited for me to say something. I looked at her and knew that what she had given me hadn't been a gift at all in the real sense, but I saw the only way to ever see Lillian smile again in the task she gave me. That was a gift in itself.
I looked over at Lillian. My Lillian who didn’t want me, but wanted me here. Little did she know she couldn't have it both ways. I focused back on Marissa. Her eyes were watering a little and she smiled through them. "I'm so sorry. I wish I'd gotten to know you better." She held my hand like I mattered, like I was human. "It may not help you to know this, but I saw beyond and…what's waiting for you…isn't hell, Daniel."
"Thank you. I'm not afraid. I always knew death would find me eventually. If I can die to save my Lillian's heart, then so be it."
"You're not just saving Lillian, you're winning this war for us. Everyone will know what you did. I'll make sure of it."
I nodded and heard Marissa telling Lily that her Momma was almost there as I walked away. I needed to leave now. The vision Marissa had shown me, the purpose she had dispensed to me with her Mus
e's Wrath, was so clear, unlike any dream.
I walked with purpose to Lillian. I knew it may be wrong and she may not understand, but I had to do this one last thing. I slowed upon seeing her. If there was a God up there, he had made one beautiful creature. She looked up and wiped her cheeks. "Hey," she tried to say brightly.
"Hi. How are you holding up?"
"I'm not really."
"Lillian…Cain will come back, I promise you that. But it won't be today."
"What?" she said, puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"It's just…intuition. But I promise you you'll have your Cain back."
She looked up at me, all innocence and beauty and a radiance that I never knew existed before her. She wouldn't understand. When she figured out what my purpose was, she wouldn't understand it for what it was. She would be angry, but what she didn't know was that I would take anything anyone ever handed to me to bear to have had been able to be with her again. I still didn't understand why this new soul in my chest had latched onto her so strongly, but I didn’t want her to be angry.
I wanted her to think on this later and know that I knew the end was coming for me. That I was at peace with it. That her happiness, though it didn't include me, was more important than anything else to me and I would have given anything to know that a smile would remain on her face.
I reached my arms out for her to come into. My cold arms that held no life, but now held purpose. She walked into them carefully and let me hug her. She assumed, I'm sure, that I was offering comfort. But this selfish heart just wanted to feel her against me one more time. I rubbed my chin in her hair and even in our dire situations, she still smelled delicious. I whispered into her hair, "Can I ask one favor?"
"Sure," she said simply.
"It may seem crazy, but I…need this, Lillian."
She pulled back and looked at me. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, I just want to ask you for something, and I want you to say yes."
She stared into my eyes as if she sensed my next words, she stiffened a little. "Daniel…"