I frowned. "Nothing and nobody."
"So the fact that your eyes are glued to Ellie have absolutely no basis on our study?" he said seriously. I had a feeling he was making fun of me.
"Calvin," I sighed.
"Ry! Come on, man! I'm a kid stuck in a bunker! There's nothing here to do. Please, let me live vicariously through you!"
"What does that mean?"
"It means to go tell Mister Grabby to keep his paws off your woman!" He nodded his head toward Ellie and the man was invading her personal space and then some. She was trying to be polite to him, but my brain didn't think and my heart didn't beat as I made swift steps to her.
"Excuse me," I told the man and moved him slightly to reach Ellie's hand. I gripped it gently and the thought hadn't occurred to me until then that she might snatch her hand away and tell me to scram. But she didn't.
She followed me to the elevator doors, which seemed like the only semi-private area. I could hear her clearly as she said, "Thanks."
"You're welcome."
She started to walk off, but I couldn't let her. I grabbed her elbow gently and when she refused to turn to look at me, I felt my heart break a little. I had done this. I had slammed the wedge down between us just like I wanted. So why did I feel so horrible in my guts about it?
"Ellie," I whispered.
"I'm not a yo-yo, Ryan. You can't just jerk me up and down." She turned to face me and her cheeks were flushed. "You either want me or you don't, and you made it pretty clear that you didn't."
"I want you, I just don't know how to give up something so I can keep something else," I said dejected. I let it all hang on my face like a mask. I let her arm go and leaned against the wall. I had no idea what I was doing anymore. My fingers worked their way into my hair…the body's hair, I reminded myself. Not mine.
I was raw and raging with no end in sight of relief. I'd never been so confused.
I had expected Ellie to leave when she was released by me, but I felt her hand on my chest. I opened my eyes to find her in front of me, looking sympathetic and confused herself.
"My whole family is gone," she said and bit the side of her lip. "They all died and…I wish they could come back more than anything." She gave me a pointed look. "That would be my heaven, but that won't happen. But, if we're being honest, if I could go back and have them live, I would. That would mean I would never have met you."
Her meaning bowled me over. I felt sliced down the middle for this girl. "I would want that, for you to have your family back, even if it meant we'd never have met. Their loss is greater than anything you'd ever gain from me."
She steeled herself. "And the loss of your After place is greater than anything you'd ever gain from me."
I felt my chest rush with breath. "I'm not so sure that's true anymore."
"But that's the point, Ryan. Some things can't be changed, some things can. Whether or not you can go there doesn't matter right now. I'll never get my family back and that won't change." A tear that had been begging to fall slid gracefully down her cheek. "There might not be a tomorrow for any one of us. You have to hold on to right now, you have to live like tomorrow isn't coming. And right now." She stepped closer. She didn't wipe her tears away and I'd never seen her so open and raw before. "Right now I'm standing in front of you, right in front of you, and I'm not asking you to give up anything for me. If the time comes, I'll gladly let you go to the After because I know what it means for you and I'll be happy for you, but right now…I want you to put your arms around me and pretend that there is no tomorrow."
I yanked her to me. I couldn’t even be sorry for my rough treatment of her, but she wasn't complaining as she put her arms around my waist. I reveled in the feel of her. She was a tiny thing and her head fit right under my chin.
She had managed to take something so confusing and heartbreaking in my mind and break it down to a simple fact: That we are all here for the same thing right now, to survive, and you have to take your happiness where you could find it.
"I'm…" I tried, but it just seemed so unconvincing. "I'm so sorry, Ellie."
"No, I'm sorry," she replied and leaned her head back a little.
"No," I insisted, "I thought I was doing you a favor, but I wasn't. I hurt you and I…"
"I forgot that you haven't been a man for very long." She smiled and rubbed my chest with her fingers. "I expected you to be something that you're just…not. I threw it in your face that you weren't the man I thought you were, but I realized that I'm happy about that." She laughed. "Human guys are overrated."
I felt my mouth pull wide in a grin. I lifted my hand to rub her cheek bone. Such softness over something so hard. Used to protect the face, but also made her look beautiful. The human body was a fascinating thing. And this human body under me was gorgeous. "We’ll just see where it goes. No expectations. Just day to day."
"That sounds perfect, Ry."
I startled at that. "Have you been talking to Calvin?"
"I may have," she said coyly. "He's such a smart kid."
I thought I heard a hint of something in there. "Did he give you some advice?"
"He said to stop being such a girl and forgive you. That you were a good guy, and he was right."
"I'll have to thank him," I said in a low voice. "I'm sorry."
"No more being sorry." She smiled, her eyes crinkling in the corners showing me she meant every word. She reached up and put her hands on my cheeks before pressing her lips to mine softly. My eyes closed on their own accord and I felt a shudder ripple through me at her sweetness. She pulled back and said, "Wanna share a can of pineapple with me?"
"I've never had pineapple," I said, dazed.
"Well that won't do, Keeper."
She dragged me to the designated crate for the kitchen, hopped onto the crate, opened the can and popped the first piece into my mouth. It was so sweet and juicy I groaned. She licked her fingers and said, "I guess that means you like it."
I jumped up to sit beside her on the crate. I looked down and saw the words 'Ammunition' upside on the side of it. I chuckled to myself. I was sitting on a crate of bullets, arms and legs pressed to a girl's who was feeding me pineapple and licking her lips that she's just kissed me with. My charge was running from his friend and play fighting, my brothers were all absorbed in their woman or their talks. For now, my earth family was safe.
It was sounding a lot more like Heaven every minute.
And So, We Meet Again
Chapter 23
Cain
My arm, or I as was beginning to call it, the lifeless throbbing bastard, was dead weight in my jacket that I tied around my neck to support it. The thing was hurting so badly from all the missing meat and dirt rubbed into the sore that I contemplated trying to fall down and go to sleep.
But I couldn’t. I knew that the bad guys were out and about so I had to be on my game. It was getting dark again and I hadn't seen a soul all day. The van had left me long ago, hours maybe, and I had trudged through the dirt, staying off the road. My shoes were full of sand and I could literally have collapsed, but I didn't.
I hadn't eaten anything all day yesterday and my stomach had been growling at me.
More hours passed. Even in the military, with all the exercises and training we did, I'd never been this exhausted before. It did me no good to be awake. With the blood I'd lost and no food in my system and lack of sleep, if I was attacked, it wasn't like I could have fought them off.
Things went from bleak to bleaker as headlights rounded the hill. I debated for mere seconds on whether to take my chances that they might help me. At the last second before they could see me, I followed my gut and ducked down. The movement jammed by arm into my leg and I cursed as I lay in the dirt and groaned as silently as I could. They passed by and I raised my head to see. Good call because they were frigging Enforcers. I let my head fall with a thud to the sand at my close call. I couldn't get up, just couldn't.
I thought about Lillian. I wasn't one
to dwell in a bad situation, but I wondered if I'd ever see her again. I imagined her fretting over me, wrapping my arm and humming me to sleep with one of her daddy's hymnals, like a good wife. I smiled. I must've been delirious because I could actually hear her humming in my ear.
If terror falls upon your bed and sleep no longer comes,
Remember all the words I said. Be still, be still and know.
When you go through the valley and shadow comes down from the hill,
If morning never comes to be, be still, be still, be still.
If you forget the way to go, and lose where you came from.
If no one is standing beside you, be still, and know I am.
Be still and know that I'm with you, be still and know I am.
I woke with a boot on my neck, and the sun was down again. I glared up at the Lighter whose long block ponytail hung over his shoulder. A ponytail? That alone made me want to hurt him. Pansy.
But he had the upper hand on this one. My body was still exhausted beyond belief and he was pressing the breath out of my windpipe. I croaked, all bravado, "You should've killed me when you had the chance, Lighter boy." He smirked. "Now you're in trouble."
"What a big mouth on the boy who's under my boot." He laughed and smiled menacingly. He pressed harder and I hissed. "What was that?"
I punched his calf with my palm and his foot slid off my neck. He laughed even more as I sat up and he circled me.
"Why didn't you just kill me while I was sleeping?"
"There would be no fun that way," he said like it was obvious. "I knew you were a rebel, out here all alone. I wanted you to wake up," he clucked his tongue, "but from the looks of things, you're in no condition to put up much of a fight. Shame."
I stood trying not to wobble. "See, this is why nobody likes you. That's just rude."
He smirked. "Are you going to pull the all talk and no action routine?"
"Nah. Let's go," I beckoned. If I was going out, I was going out with my fist busting a Lighter's jaw.
He circled me before blurring to my right and slamming his fist into my back. I groaned, but stood my ground. And learned. He tried that move again and that landed him a punch in the gut. I tried to blast him with my hands, but I was just too beat and he evaded it every time. We went round and round before I had to admit to myself that he was just toying with me. He knew I had no fight in me and could have ended it at any time, but he didn't. I wondered why.
"Ah, they're here," he finally said.
"Who's that?" I asked with dread.
"My brothers." I turned to see headlights and huffed out angry breaths.
"Oh, come on. Don't you Lighters fly and soar and other fairy crap?"
"But then your ignorant humans would know something was different, now wouldn't they?" He smiled evilly to the ones approaching us. There were three of them, all different, but all the same.
"You know you all look the same?" I goaded.
"Shut your mouth, foul human!" one of the newer ones yelled.
I laughed. "Foul human!" I laughed some more. "Dude, too many evil movies for you."
He backhanded me in a blur that I didn’t see coming. I spit the blood off to the side and tried to keep my cool.
"We are done playing with this one," one of them said. "End it or bring him in for questioning."
I remembered Sherry's questioning they'd performed on her. That wasn't happening. "You can just kill me now. I won't be talking to you about anything. Unless you've got the latest news on Gossip Girl. Man, I miss that show."
He frowned and cocked his head in confusion. "Enough!" the other one barked. "Finish it. We've got other work to do."
"Allow me," the one in the back said. He stepped forward and his steps shook the ground. That Graphter thing. Crap.
I always imagined how I'd die, all bad ace and chin raised in defiance, maybe give them the finger. It didn’t quite work that way. I accepted it though. I'd put up a good fight, but this was it so I'd bow out with grace. I closed my eyes and thought of my L.
My eyelids turned red with another approaching light. I opened them to see another car. They were pointed our way, just sitting there. That looked like the… Gremlin! How the heck had they found me? And why the heck were they just sitting there?
The car's engine revved. Then whoever was driving pressed the gas and rushed us. I leapt out of the way in a just in time manner and managed to be missed. The Lighters and that other…thing…moved, too, and gawked at us as the Gremlin slid into the sand next to me. The passenger door opened. I scrambled up and into the seat without even looking and slammed the door shut as he smashed the gas and turned a one eighty. The Graphter looked peeved and when he lifted his hands I knew what was coming. "Punch it!" I yelled and squeezed my eyes shut tight just as the Graphter clapped his hands.
The windshield shattered at the boom.
We kept going, knocking one of the smug Lighters over in the process of our sliding. I figured they'd give chase, but we weren't big enough fish I guessed. I turned back to the front, shielding my eyes from the wind coming at us from the now wide gaping windshield. "Dude, that was…what the hell?"
It was Daniel.
He looked at me and then back at the road. "I've been driving all day and night looking for you."
"What for?" I asked, flabbergasted. "Why are you here? Where's everyone else?"
"I came alone. I told no one."
"Ooooh," I dragged out, "so you snuck out to find me and off the competition, huh?"
He gave me strange look. I could see him in the lights from the dash as he sped down the highway. "I can only assume you are referring to Lillian, and I can guarantee you that won't be happening."
I chuckled without a trace a humor. "Giving up?"
"Yes," he said quickly.
"Why? I thought you said you loved her." I had no idea why I was arguing with him once he said he'd given up, but it just came out.
"I do," he said sternly and flashed a look that held contempt and regret, one in the same. "But she is in love with you."
I almost smiled. "I know."
"I kissed her," he confessed and I balled up my fist.
"Again?" I asked, thinking he was talking about the first time.
"Yes." I almost choked him right there. "When I…said goodbye," he clarified. I imagined the two of them, Lillian's strange affection for him, him bidding her goodbye forever… "I wanted to be upfront with you. She…" he shook his head, "she doesn't love me. She worries about you constantly, her eyes are searching for you even when you're not there." He looked at me. "She looks right past me when she's looking at me. She can't help it."
What was I supposed to say to that? So I said, "I still owe you a beat down for what you did. Don't think I've forgotten."
"I haven't forgotten," he said calmly and kept driving. I eyed him, biting on my lip ring and cracking my knuckles.
"So what are we doing? Going home? Did Sherry make it home all right?"
"She did," he answered. "And no, we're not going there. We have a task."
"What task?"
"We're headed to the state line."
"What for?" I asked angrily. I wanted to go home and see my wife. I wanted to see her and I wanted to ask her why she let Lighter boy put his lips on her again. She wouldn't lie to me, or cheat on me, I knew she wouldn't. And I knew she loved me, I just couldn't understand this strange…thing…with Daniel.
He finally answered, but it was so low I barely heard it. "We're going there for me to die."
I didn't take his bait. I wanted out of that car, but it was a necessary prison. I held my aching arm to my chest and tried not to groan at the pain that suddenly hit me from being still. The adrenaline had said bye-bye and the pain was settling in. I felt a shudder rack me and felt like cursing. This stupid arm was going to make me go into shock or something. I hadn't been able to clean it. A day and a night…it was probably already getting infected.
Daniel must've heard my complaining. "
You're injured."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious."
He frowned. "You need a doctor."
"Nah," I said, but knew that was a lie. I needed to clean this thing. "I'm good."
"I think I should bring you to a human facility that attends to medical needs."
"No hospitals. Last time didn't go so well for us," I told him, remembering Marissa and I with Billings.
"You may not have a choice. What good would it have done for me to have come to save you if you die from infection?"
"Point well made, Lighter boy," I groaned. I hated that he was right. "Maybe we'll just stop in for a quick visit."
"I have your back. No need to worry," he assured and I swore, if he patted me on the back like some 'Good ol' Chap' I was going to go ballistic on him. But he didn't, he just kept right on driving. I leaned my seat back, throwing my good arm over my face and let him navigate.
I wasn't sure what his angle was, but he wasn't getting any unnecessary chatter from me.
He told me that he had stopped by the store bunker and the place had been trashed. All the food and supplies were gone. Even Piper, who'd been left in the back room, was gone. I didn't know what to make of that.
A while later I felt him slowing down. He was eyeing a small clinic. He pulled in and put the car in park. "How did you learn to drive anyhow?"
He looked at me as if that were a strange question. "I learned from the humans, of course."
"Ok," I said and raised my eyebrows in sarcasm. "Well, I'll be back, champ."
"I am coming with you," he insisted and in a stupid move, put his hand on my good arm.
I glared at him. "You're gonna need a hospital for your own arm if you don't let go."
He lifted his hand. "I am sorry, but I am coming with you. I will make sure you make it safely back to your Lillian."
I shook my head. "Whatever, man." I leaned over and opened the door. It creaked loudly in the empty parking lot. He got out, too, and we made our way to the automatic doors.
I hadn't thought about the mess I would look like to her; my bloody jacket wrapped around my neck, holding up my bloody arm. I was dirty, head to toe and who knew what else. The woman gasped and covered her mouth with her hands in a true Oh, no! face. She ran around the counter and took my good arm immediately.