“It’s okay. I get it. You’re sorry, I’m sorry, the whole fucking world’s sorry. But it doesn’t fix anything. Sorry doesn’t bring Clay back. Sorry doesn’t stop that fire from starting. Sorry doesn’t get me to that trailer before the fire started. And sorry sure as shit doesn’t make me feel any better.”
I wasn’t mad at Josie. I knew there wasn’t much else to offer than an I’m sorry when tragedy struck. I’d already heard it a few dozen times in less than an hour, and I’d hit critical mass. If I never heard another I’m sorry again, I’d be good.
Instead of saying something back, Josie came around the side of the bed and crawled in next to me. Her body fit around mine as her arm wrapped around me, holding me close. It was an odd embrace, a foreign one for me, but it felt so exactly what I needed right then that I melted right into her. Screw the drugs.
“Neil told me what happened. About how you were trying to get inside.” Her hand wrapped around the wrist of my bandaged hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I always knew you’d be one of those people who’d charge into a burning building to save a person. I always knew you were a superhero in hiding.”
Josie liked to see the good in everyone, and she’d never let go of the idea that some was still left in me. At one time, I’d believed her. I didn’t anymore.
Her embrace became more painful than comforting. “I didn’t save anything or anyone, Joze. I don’t qualify as a superhero.”
“But you tried. That’s what matters.”
“No, that’s not what matters. Saving my dad’s what would have mattered. The only thing that matters now is that he’s dead, my hand is burnt to hell, and I’m homeless.” Too bad the doc didn’t hook me up with an I.V. Then I could have just kept pumping the drugs into me. I wasn’t sure if it was Josie or reality, but one or both of them were forcing me back to a place I didn’t want to be.
“You know you can stay with me and my family for as long as you need to.” Her hold around me tightened when I tried to squirm away. Classic Josie.
“Oh, yeah. That would be ideal. Absolutely ideal. Because we all know how highly your dad thinks of me. If I was the last living creature on earth, he wouldn’t even skin me and use me for his boots, and that’s without him even knowing I slept with his daughter under his roof.” Josie hushed me. Maybe because I was getting a little loud, but probably because I’d brought up being one of the men she’d been with. She hated that. Probably always would. I hated myself for it. That was one of the few things Josie and I had in common. “And let’s not forget your mom, who looks at me like she can’t decide whether to pray for me or pray that the ground opens up and a legion of demons drag me into hell where she thinks I belong.”
Josie let out one of those long sighs, and the warmth of it crept down my neck. “I just wanted you to know the invitation’s there should you choose to accept it.”
“Thanks, Joze, and I mean this with sincere gratitude . . . but no thanks.” Truthfully, that she’d even invited me to stay at her place was enough to choke a man up, but I couldn’t let her know that. There was no way I could let her know she was probably the only person on the face of the earth who’d invite me to crash at their place for an indefinite amount of time. A few minutes of silence passed between us, long enough so her embrace shifted back from pain to comfort. Long enough I’d almost fallen asleep from the drugs.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” I said instantly. I didn’t want to talk about it then, the next day, or never. Talk, kind of like I’m sorry, didn’t change anything.
Josie didn’t press me. She didn’t try to encourage me that opening up and talking until my vocal chords oozed blood was a part of the healing process. She knew me, and while most of the time that was a detriment, right then it wasn’t. She knew I didn’t talk about anything I didn’t want to because she’d been around long enough to know my M.O. Plus, she was the same. Trying to get Josie to open up about something she didn’t want to would have been about as successful an endeavor as trying with me.
“What are you going to do?” she said a minute later, her voice soft, almost scared. Josie did scared about as often as I did, so I couldn’t understand where it was coming from. What was she scared about? Scared for me? Scared of life and its suddenness? Scared of what?
Letting out a long sigh, I said, “I don’t know, Joze. I don’t fucking know.”
Moving so smoothly I barely felt the mattress shift, Josie crawled over me until she was laying in front of me, her face inches from mine. Whatever sadness or fear had been in her voice wasn’t on her face. Her green eyes locked onto mine, and if I believed in that kind of shit, I would have sworn whatever peace or certainty was in them transferred to me. For the first time that night—for the first time that year—I felt peaceful. At rest. It was such an alarming sensation, I didn’t know what to do. Run and duck for cover, or exhale and bask in it.
Before I’d made up my mind, Josie leaned in closer until her lips pressed into mine. My eyes hadn’t dropped before her mouth left mine, but the taste of her strawberry lip gloss lingered.
“What was that for?” I asked once I remembered how to speak. Josie was an expert at rendering me speechless.
Sliding off of the bed, she paused before disappearing behind the curtain. “It looked like you needed that.”
HOW DID ONE hold a funeral for a person whose body was gone? Hell, for a person whose ashes didn’t even fill an urn? The whole concept was lost on me, but I was about to find out.
A few days after the fire, the chaplain at the hospital offered to do a service after he asked about funeral arrangements and I pretty much scratched my head in answer. Clay died with no money in the bank, and his secret whiskey stash went up with the rest of the trailer. Since I had a whopping forty-two dollars in my wallet, having a funeral service inside of a church was out. So much for not-for-profit . . .
The chaplain had suggested holding the service outside, at a location of my choosing—maybe somewhere I had fond memories of Clay and I being together. When my answer was another head scratching, the chaplain gave up and suggested a spot by the river. Worked for me. So long as it was quick and to the point, I was fine with Clay’s funeral being held there.
It was almost one o’clock, and I was going to be late. I’d pulled into the public access parking lot fifteen minutes ago, but I couldn’t pull myself out of my truck to make the short hike to where the chaplain was waiting for me. He was already there. At least, I assumed his car was the one with the bumper sticker that read Don’t drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. There weren’t any other cars in the parking lot. It was late fall, too late in the season for fishermen, or campers, or anyone other than a random funeral goer to be enjoying the river.
The chaplain had encouraged me to invite as many family members and friends as I wanted, assuring me the mourning process was so much easier to go through with the support of loved ones. The best I could do after he’d said that was to not laugh. Loved ones mourning Clay Black? Hell, I was his last living flesh and blood, and even I wasn’t so hot on the idea of mourning him. How was I supposed to mourn a man I’d hated more days than not? How could I miss a father who’d reminded me every day how he cursed the day I was born? Mourning a person didn’t come standard with death. It was an honor reserved for those who lived life right.
Needless to say, I hadn’t invited anyone else. No one but me would be there, and even I didn’t want to attend. The only reason I finally shoved open that driver’s side door was because I knew the chaplain was waiting and he sure as hell didn’t need to go out of his way for Clay. So I sure as hell wasn’t going to let his good deed be wasted. Adjusting my hat, I made sure the bottle cap was still in my shirt pocket before heading down the trail.
Since the only thing left of Clay was whatever was left inside the shell of the trailer, the chaplain recommended I bring something meaningful to Clay and me. Something that could stand in place of a casket or an urn. Something t
hat encapsulated his forty years of life. It took me a while, but I finally found something that summed Clay Black up perfectly. A token that was more the man my father was than any varnished casket.
The trail made for an easy hike down to the river, but I struggled with every step. My feet had grown concrete blocks, and just when I thought I couldn’t go another step, I saw the chaplain. He saw me at the same time, gave me a small smile, and waved. He’d picked a nice spot with the river as a backdrop, and he stood beside a large rock, almost like it was a podium. As expected, we were the only two around.
“Hey, Chaplain. Sorry I kept you waiting.” I forced myself to take the last few steps. Once I got it over with, it would be done. Over. I could sweep the whole thing under the rug and forget about it.
“It’s fine, Garth. I’ve just been enjoying the bounty of God’s workmanship.”
I forced myself to return his smile. The chaplain had drunk way too much of the Kool-Aid in Sunday school as a child.
“How much longer would you like to wait for the rest? Don’t worry about me, because I’ve got the whole afternoon open.”
The chaplain and I might have lived on opposite ends of the spectrum, but he was an all right kind of guy. Despite being a little out of touch with reality. “You might as well do your thing because I’m the only one coming.”
The chaplain indicated just over my shoulder. “Either fisherman have started wearing formal wear to pull trout out of the river, or you’ve got company.”
My sigh cut short as soon as I saw who it was. “What the hell are you two doing here? This is a funeral, not a wedding.”
“Good to see you too, Black,” Jesse replied, helping Rowen over a few rocks in the trail. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fucking on top of the world. Can’t you tell?”
“I’m not sure that fuck’s allowed at a funeral, Black.” Rowen shot me a wink as she and Jesse came up beside me.
“Why not? Clay was that word’s number one fan. The profanity and the act.” The chaplain looked off into the distance.“How in the hell did you two know what was going on today?” I couldn’t decide if I was pissed or relieved they’d shown up. I definitely felt a bit of both. I’d seen Jesse and Rowen a couple of days ago, pretty much right after they got in from Seattle, but I hadn’t mentioned a thing to either one of them about the funeral.
“You called in sick today,” Jesse answered, nudging me. “You’ve never called in sick before. Not even the day after . . . after . . .”
“The day after the fire,” Rowen interjected. Jesse thanked her with a smile.
“You mean the day after Clay was burnt to such a crisp nothing was left of him?” Jesse’s eyebrows lifted. Rowen’s came together. I wasn’t trying to upset two of my only friends. It just went against my nature not to. Truthfully, having them with me made the whole thing less daunting. We were nothing more than a few friends hanging down on the riverbank, saying good-bye to a person I wasn’t sure even deserved it.
Rowen said, “You want to take out your anger at us today, fine. Do it. You get a free pass. Today and today only. Tomorrow you’d better find somewhere else to channel your anger.”
I waited a moment for her to go into more detail, but none came. “Or else?”
She arched an eyebrow. “Or else.”
“I sure have missed your veiled threats, Miss Sterling-soon-to-be-Walker.”
“Yeah, yeah. And we’ve missed your unparalleled goodness, too.”
Jesse tried to keep from smiling, but that was about as easy for him to do as it was me to keep smiling.
“So I get that me calling in sick today alerted the dogs to what I had planned, but how in the hell did you know where to find me?” Montana had as many wide open spaces as there were stars in the sky. “Did you go and install a GPS tracker on me or something?”
Jesse stared into the sky while Rowen’s eyes locked onto mine. “No. We followed you,” she answered with a shrug.
I shook my head. If I hadn’t been so preoccupied with trying and failing to spin a brodie in the middle of the road and tear out of town and never look back, I might have noticed Old Bessie tailing me. That truck was such an atrocity it was impossible to miss. “You two are a couple of regular ninjas, aren’t you?”
“Hi-yah,” Rowen deadpanned, thumping the side of her hand into my stomach.
“And look at you, Walker. Dressed up all fancy in a suit. It almost looks like you’re heading to your own funeral.” I elbowed his ribs, making him elbow me right back. “Hold up. Aren’t you the whipped chump getting married this summer? I suppose that explains why you look like you’re heading to your own funeral.” I chuckled, ignoring Rowen’s impressive glare.
“Two words, Black,” she said, all tough sounding. “Or. Else.” Lifting her fist, she circled it around.
That, of course, only made me laugh. “I sure am glad I have you two here for moral support. I’ve never felt so uplifted and surrounded by warm fuzzies in my life.”
“We love you too, buddy.” Jesse slung his arm around Rowen’s neck, the other around mine, and pulled us together for some sick version of a group hug. I was protesting with an exaggerated groan when I heard a few others coming down the trail. It probably shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did.
Mr. and Mrs. Walker, followed by their three daughters, made their way toward us. Neil had a solemn expression, Rose had a small smile, and the girls all looked a bit red-eyed. Go figure. Three Walker girls who’d barely even met Clay had been crying, but his own son had yet to shed a single tear. I told myself the only reason they were able to muster up a few tears for him was because they didn’t know Clay like I did.
Neil clapped my shoulder as his family fell in line beside him. “It’s a hell of a thing, son. One hell of a thing.”
I nodded once then indicated the chaplain. I had planned on being wrapped up already, not greeting guests I hadn’t invited. Despite not having invited them, I was glad they’d invited themselves. The chaplain had been right—it felt good to be surrounded by loved ones, or as close to loved ones as I had. I’d never openly admit it, but it was the truth.
The chaplain rolled his shoulders back. “We are brought together today by a great tragedy. A life ending before its time. A man—”
“Hold on. Wait! I’m sorry. Just hold on one more minute!” someone hollered from the trail.
My initial response to hearing Josie’s voice was to smile. So I went with a drawn-out sigh. When she came into view, I saw what was to blame for slowing her down.
“Damn these heels. Why can’t they make a pair more suited for rough terrain?” She glanced at me just long enough to acknowledge me with a smile before going back to watching the ground like it was about to reach out and grab her. With the heels she had on, it was a miracle she’d made it that far without breaking her neck.
Jesse nudged me. I didn’t get what he was hinting. Then he elbowed me. I still didn’t get it. Finally he sighed and said, “Why don’t you go help her before she breaks a heel or a leg?”
Riding in on the white horse and saving the day was Jesse Walker’s thing, not mine. That’s why I hadn’t picked up on his hint. When I stayed glued where I was while Josie hobbled over a few more rocks, Jesse shook his head. Before he’d taken one step toward her, I grabbed his arm. “I got it. Hey, stilts, let me give you a hand before you go and break your neck.”
If she wasn’t so busy watching the ground, I knew she would have glared at me. “I don’t know what I was thinking wearing these things. Where’s a pair of boots when a girl needs some?”
I’d seen Josie in a pair of shoes other than boots maybe a dozen times since I’d known her, but seeing her in a pair of heels with the knee-length dress she had on made me wish she’d wear them a lot more.
Unbelievable. I was at my father’s funeral and having moderately inappropriate thoughts about a girl’s legs. I didn’t have many, but I knew I’d had finer moments than that one.
“Yeah, b
ut they sure look nice.” I forced my eyes up right about the time Josie stumbled over a rock Hell, maybe she stumbled over her own two feet. I’d gotten to her just in time. I broke her fall right before swinging her into my arms. We didn’t have much farther to go, but I didn’t want to wait another decade for her to maneuver her way there.
“What are you doing?” Josie asked, her tone as shocked as her expression.
I shrugged, asking myself the same question. “Blue moon.”
Josie’s forehead lined. “Come again?”
“You’ve never heard of a blue moon?”
“Yes, Garth. I’ve heard of a blue moon.” Today’s eye roll count: one. “What does one have to do with you helping me?”
“This guy’s got the day off from playing the hero.” I slugged Jesse’s arm after setting Josie down. “I’m filling in.” Jesse’s and Rowen’s expressions matched Josie’s. “What?” I was ready to slug him again if he didn’t stop looking at me like I’d lost my mind.
“I knew you had it in you all along.” Josie planted her feet on a level patch of sand.
“Yeah, yeah. No need to go and spread the word, Miss See-the-Good-in-Everyone, because I’m about to have the reluctant hero inside of me exorcised.”
“Too bad. That was the first time in years that I haven’t wanted to slug you in the jaw.”
The chaplain cleared his throat, and Josie zipped her lips at me.
“Fine, bossy,” I muttered.
“Whatever. Hero.” She gave me a wide grin before turning her attention to the chaplain.
“Garth? Are you ready to proceed?” the chaplain asked, still looking like he wasn’t in any hurry.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Even the smart-ass tone I’d perfected fell flat.
“Did you bring something to symbolize your father being here in spirit?”
“Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.” Digging in my shirt pocket, I pulled out the cap and set it on the large rock beside the chaplain. Want to know how to make a crowd of talkers go so silent it made the air thick? Thunk a Jack Daniels cap in front of them where a casket would be if Clay Black’s ashes weren’t scattered over acres of barren, rented land.