Walter nodded up the street to a restaurant. "That place serves tofu to the tourists," he told us.
I glared at him, and lowered my voice to a deep, gravely growl. "Dead and deep-fried," I slowly repeated.
"There's the place across the street that serves roadkill," Steven suggested.
I whirled around to him, and blinked. "Are you serious?"
He shrugged. "Some people said they've found some skunk tails and possum claws in their soups."
My face fell. "Skunk tails in soups?"
"If we went in there Helen would kill me," Walter spoke up. My heart fell, along with my calorie count; the dream of eating carnivore-style drifted away into the tofu sunset. "But seeing as how she's not here, and I wouldn't mind making my last meal a hamburger if she does find out, how about we go in?"
We tromped in, and the moment I crossed that termite-infested threshold I knew I'd died and gone to heaven. The aroma of grease and fat wafted past my nose, and I inhaled enough smoke from the patrons to give me a designation as a forest fire. We took a table and a woman amply qualified to be a waitress at Hooters walked over to us. "What'll you have?" she drawled out.
"Your greasiest burger," I piped up. "And a soda."
"That'll be our Doctor Support Special," she replied.
"Why is it called that?" Steven asked her.
The waitress grinned. "Because everyone who eats it supports the local doc by needing his services afterward."
"I guess I'll support the doctor myself," he told her.
She nodded and turned to Walter. "You'll have the usual, sir?"
"Yes, but hold the onions this time. My wife nearly caught me when she smelled my breath," he answered. The waitress bounced away, and left Steven and me gaping at Walter. He frowned at us. "What? Can't a man entertain himself with keeping secrets from his wife?"
"That depends on the secret," I pointed out. I leaned over the table and dropped my voice. "If you have a stash of meat somewhere at the house, that would be a good secret."
Walter chuckled. "I'm afraid not. Helen found my nook in the freezer and disposed of the meat."
My shoulders slumped and I fell back against my chair. "Drat..." I murmured, and then sighed. "I guess we'd better enjoy this delicious meal, it'll be the last good one for a few days."
Our food was brought, devoured with all the eagerness of omnivores hungering for their carnivore side, and we headed for the store. There we bought the vegetables and tofu on the list, and shuffled out with our unwanted treasures. We plopped the food in the back, me secretly hoping the tofu was bruised beyond consumption, though possibly it started out that way.
Steven and I were ready to get back on the road, but Walter stopped us and nodded at the local liquor shop on the next block. "I need some supplies in there."
Steven sighed, but nodded. "All right, we'll just-"
"You go retrieve it for me," Walter ordered.
My brave fiance started back. "Me? Why me?"
"The owner told me your mother asked for his surveillance tapes a few weeks back. I'd rather she not catch me in there." Walter pulled out a long list of names and handed it to Steven. "These are the brands I buy and the quantity." Steven rolled his eyes, but obeyed his father and went to the store. I slipped into the back of the car and expected a quiet time until Steven got back, but Walter leaned over the driver's door toward where I sat in the rear passenger seat. "What are your intentions toward my son."
I inwardly sighed; this interrogation sounded familiar. The distrust must have been built into their genetic code. "I told Helen-"
"I know what you told her, but I want to hear it for myself," he insisted. His eyes burrowed into mine. "And I don't want any lying."
I straightened and glared right back at him. "After all we drank together you still don't trust me?"
"Just answer the question," he replied.
I folded my arms across my chest and pucked out my lips in a pout. "Fine, the truth. I hate your son so much that I've decided to love him. Are you satisfied?"
He smiled and nodded. "Satisfied enough."
We finally got back on the road. The drive back was just as terrifying, but at least I had a stomach full of greasy foods to comfort me in the event of our near-assured doom. Somehow that didn't happen and we arrived back at the house alive and kicking, especially my heart. It beat so fast it made NBA dribbling look slow, and I had to peel my hands off the side of the car.
We helped Doffing do the unpacking out of fear he'd be packing off to the great boss in the sky. After that I finally got some alone time with my boy-toy in my room and surrounded by all my new gear. The gear was an ever-present reminder that life was too short to use it, but that I had no choice but to don it tomorrow. Steven tried to cheer me up with words of comfort. "Think how great a view we'll get up there," he encouraged me.
"Yeah, bury me on the prettiest outcropping, will you?" I sarcastically requested.
He gave me a scolding look. "It won't be as bad as that. You might even like some of the trails we go on." His eyes widened and he hopped up off the bed. "That's an idea!"
"What? We feign sickness and not go tomorrow?" I guessed.
"How about we go take a peek at the trails together so you know what monster you're up against?" Steven suggested.
I shrugged. "Sure, but I already know it's going to be a hydra."
"A hydra?" he repeated with a puzzled expression on his face.
I solemnly nodded. "Yep. A deadly creature with many heads, just like a hiking trail."
He laughed, grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. "Come on, worrywart. Where's the woman I fell in love with?"
"Still clutching onto your dad's car. I think I gave up the ghost on the drive up," I replied.
Steven rolled his eyes, but smiled and kissed me on the forehead. "Don't change, even for my family."
"I wish you'd tell them that," I countered.
He laughed and dragged me outside. This time we went out the front entrance and went along the right wing of the house toward the trees. The lawn stopped at the tree line, and from there onward was a thick growth of old pine trees. I noticed a large, open trail part the thick brush and trunks, and disappear into the woods. This was my adversary.
Steven gestured to the path. "See? Just like the ones at the inn where I proposed to you," he insisted.
I stubbornly shook my head. "Nope, not at all alike." He crossed his arms over his chest and waited for an explanation. I pointed at some of the stones along the trail. "These rocks don't have manicures."
He blinked; that wasn't something he expected. "What?" he asked me.
"At the inn the rocks had manicures because their union was so good," I told him.
Steven shook that thought out of his head, and frowned at me. "Rocks don't even have fingers," he pointed out.
I shrugged. "I heard the management tried to tell them that, but they didn't care."
He pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. "I may regret this, but what else is different about these trails?"
"They're not as wide, the trees are too tall, the rocks too mossy, and the brush too brushy," I rang off.
He snorted at the last one. "Brush too brushy?"
I sheepishly grinned. "Well, maybe that part's a lie."
"Uh-huh, how about we just take this trail for a test-drive and see how you handle her?" he suggested.
He pushed me onto the winding path and we made our way up the mountain. My breath came out in gasps and my forehead broke out in a sweat so thick a major pipeline must have broke in my sweat glands. My arms and legs grew heavy, and the world grew blurry. I reached out to Steven and choked out my final words. "Go on...without me," I gasped.
He stood ahead of me with his arms crossed and a crooked smile on his lips. "We've only gone ten yards." He was right; the grass could be seen over my shoulder.
I straightened up. "And it was a long ten yards," I protested. "Your parents should install an elevator to reach all t
he nice views."
"They're not so nice if you don't have to exercise hard to get to them," he countered.
I scoffed and glanced over his body. "I've seen some pretty nice views just from stripping you down."
He laughed, grabbed my hand and pulled me further up the trail. We passed through several forks, all of which made me hungry, and in half an hour arrived at our first scenic view. I collapsed on the nearest boulder; it was the most comfortable spot to die. "You sure do know these paths by heart," I huffed.
"I was on the trails yesterday," he explained to me.
I playfully scowled at him. "So that's why I couldn't find you. You were in the one place I wasn't going to follow."
Steven shrugged. "I just wanted to make sure the path was clear so we could get up here."
"Traitor..." I grumbled.
He plopped himself down at my side and gestured at the scenery. "Just look at that. Wasn't that worth it?" We were on a rocky outcropping where the trees at our level opened up, and the ones beneath us were too low to block our view. It gave us a nice picture of the meadow with the house, and the winding road down the mountain.
I sighed and leaned against him. "I guess I'll admit this is pretty nice."
He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. "Sort of makes you want to climb higher and see the better views, doesn't it?"
"Not on your life." I sat up and stuck my tongue out at him. "This just isn't for me."
He sighed and nodded his head. "That's what I thought, so I asked my parents if you could get out of it. My mom offered to entertain you while Nicole, Dad and I go up the mountain."
The color drained from my face. I was left with two choices; death by mountain or death-match with my future mother-in-law. Both would be very painful, and I could never win over the mountain. Still, it would've been far worse to sit with Helen again than climb the Mountain of My Doom. "I'll go up the stupid mountain..." I grumbled.
He leaned in and cupped his ear. "What's that? You sort of mumbled."
"I said I'd go with you guys so I could push you off a cliff."
Steven was so afraid of my threat that he laughed out his fear and patted me on the back. "Good to have you aboard."
I don't know if it was the thin air or the unlikelihood of being interrupted, but I scooted up against Steven and batted my eyes at him. "I'd rather have you aboard me," I cooed.
He raised his eyebrows. "Here? Now?" he asked in surprise.
I shrugged. "Why not? We could just squish some of these patches of wildflowers to make a nice bed."
I had a feeling he was tempted when his hand reached down to caress my thigh. "Maybe we could," he hesitantly agreed.
I sighed and glanced up at the late afternoon sky. "Out here we're all alone. Nobody can interrupt-"
"Monica! Stevie! Where are you?" Nicole's voice rang out along the trail below us. "Mom says to come in and get ready for dinner!"
I slumped over and put my head in my hands. "This is a conspiracy by your family to keep us apart..." I grumbled to Steven.
He laughed and patted me on the back. "We'll get some time alone. You'll see," he encouraged me.
"I hope you're right, or I'm going to explode with need."
CHAPTER 6
The last day of my life arrived with the sunrise because any earlier would've been way too early for me to start fearing my doom. We ate breakfast with sausage lies and the guide came after the meal; he probably knew about the tofu meals. We intrepid and suicidal hikers met him in the living room.
Walter approached the man with a smile and an outstretched hand; all I wanted to do was back up and hiss at him. "Good to see you again, Mack. It's been a long time."
"Too long, Walt, but that's what happens when you're on some remote mountain trying to avoid cannibals," Mack replied with a laugh. "How's the old ticker been?"
Walter shrugged. "It's ticking along, but what do you think of these recruits my wife's given you?"
Mack glanced at the three of us, and I had my first good luck at him. He was about forty with graying hair at the temples and creases beneath his eyes. His skin was rough and tan, and he wore an old winter jacket with dirty jeans. I could see why Helen didn't join us for the greeting; he was a heathen in her eyes. "I was told there was going to be three of you. Who's the extra?" he asked us.
Walter gestured to me. "That would be Miss Monica Collins," he explained to Mack.
"And me," a voice spoke up. Elizabeth waltzed into the room with elegant, hand-carved walking stick in hand and showed off a stylish hiking outfit. It was complete with pink boots, white shorts and a white shirt. She smiled at us, and particularly at me. "I thought I'd join you for your hike."
This hellish adventure had gone from bust to bomb. Walter looked his daughter up and down. "Are you sure that's the best outfit to be wearing?"
Elizabeth glanced down at herself. "It's all I could scrounge up on the short notice. Will it work?"
Mack shrugged. "It'll work all right, but not that great. Maybe you can find some pants to put on," he suggested.
"I'm afraid my pants are all in the wash," she told him.
"Suit yourself." He turned to the rest of us. "All right, troops, are you ready for a fun day of hiking?" As much as a visit to the dentist.
"Yes!" Nicole yelled.
"All right, let's see what's in your bags and then we'd better get going. The trail Walt planned out it tough and will take most of the day to get up and down." By his order we dumped our bags, and he inspected them. They all passed with flying colors because Walter had prepared them for us; unfortunately, it meant they weighed as much as an elephant. "Very good. First aid kits, canned food, and even a tent in case of emergencies. Looks like we're ready here. Come on, troops," he commanded.
We were marched execution style to death by mountain trail. We got to the head and had a fun round of musical positions where Steven wanted me close but wanted to be behind his dad and our guide, and Elizabeth insisted on last place. Eventually I shoved the energizer bunny Nicole ahead of me to be behind Steven with Elizabeth at my large rear, and we went up the path. It was as horrible as yesterday, but worse. Stones jumped into my path and kept tripping me, and every low-hanging tree branch in the forest was a hit-man in disguise.
I didn't mean to whack Elizabeth so many times with those branches, but at the third beating she shoved her way ahead of me. I didn't mind because I was quickly losing steam, and after an hour I was trailing the group so badly they had to stop at a fork to wait for me.
Elizabeth scowled. "You're slowing us down," she snapped at me.
I wheezed in reply; even a shrug was too much effort.
"We have a resting point not far ahead," Mack informed us. "We'll take a breather and have a snack."
My spirits perked up at the mention of food, and I looked forward to this resting spot not far ahead. What I didn't know was his definition of far and mine were not exactly the same, and the trail was getting steeper. I had to stop before the resting stop, but I waved them off. "I'll be all right," I gasped out. "Just let me sit here and die for a while."
"I'll be glad to keep her company," Elizabeth spoke up.
"You would?" Steven asked her.
I wasn't about to take this offer from the devil. "I'll be fine, just keep going or we'll never reach that rest stop," I insisted.
Elizabeth smiled and plopped down on a nearby rock. She waved her hand at the others. "You heard her, go on." Steven and Nicole regretfully left me with the devil, and followed Walter and Mack up the trail. The moment they were out of sight and hearing Dr. Jekyll turned to Mr. Hyde. "Trying to impress my brother with your athletic skills?" she taunted me.
"Yeah, straight to the grave," I replied.
Her voice slithered out like the snake of Eden. "I don't think he's too impressed with it right now. He seemed rather disappointed you couldn't keep up. I wonder what else he'll find disappointed in you."
"Heaven forbid he ever finds out about my thing
for anchovies," I quipped. Elizabeth blinked; she wasn't sure to take that seriously or not. As she teetered on the edge of decisiveness I struck back. "But whatever he finds disappointing, he'll find a lot more to approve of or he wouldn't have asked me to marry him."
She scoffed. "That's probably the biggest mistake he's ever made in his life, and he's made quite a few."
I shrugged. "All I need is someone who loves me enough to open the pickle jars and scoop out the ice cream."
"Then you may as well get a pimp and leave my brother alone," she big back.
I sighed, stood up and marched over to her. She cringed back when my large shadow loomed over her, and I put my hands on my hips. "It's kind of obvious I'm not very good at dancing around anything, especially subjects, so what are you getting at?" I asked her point-blank.
She jumped to her feet and sneered at me. "I'm saying you need to stay away from my brother. My mother and I don't want you around."
"Then it's a good thing I'm not marrying either of you," I snapped back. "And whatever you and your mom want matters to me only because it matters to Steven, otherwise I'd stick my tongue out at you right now, like this." I gave her my best raspberry and spit flew in all directions, including on her fancy hiking gear.
That initiated mortal combat. Elizabeth's saliva-splattered face turned red, and with a cry of war she jumped at me. I jumped to the side, but she grabbed me around the waist. Fortunately, she couldn't get a good grip on my jiggling middle and I squeezed out of her grip like ketchup out of a bottle. Not those glass bottles that nothing comes out of, but the plastic squirt ones. I tumbled to the ground and rolled over in time to have her weight fall on my chest. I thought I was heavy, this girl really took the cake and ice cream.
We rolled, screamed, and pulled at each other's hair. Strands flew in all directions, and by the time the others hurried back down the trail I thought I was bald. Steven grabbed me and Walter grabbed Elizabeth, and by the miracle of male strength we were pulled apart still kicking and clawing. Our clothes were wrecked, our hair pulled out in patches, and the stuff in our bags were strewn about the place.