Peter frowned at me. I suppose he was shocked to find me standing there, as if I’d known he was coming.
What was he doing here? I wondered. Had he come to talk me out of ending our relationship? To win me back?
Or had he come to confront Matt about stealing me away?
Rage pounded through me. I had only one hour left with Matt before he would be taken to the OR, and I wasn’t about to let Peter take that precious time away. Whatever he wanted, it would have to wait.
The doors started to close, and we both realized that neither of us had moved or spoken. Quickly, he hopped off and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, glancing over his shoulder with a mild look of irritation.
“Peter, if you’ve come here to fight with me or challenge Matt, now’s not the time,” I said. “They’re taking him to surgery in an hour.”
“I know.” He looked down at the floor and shook his head. “That’s not why I’m here.”
My anger subsided as I watched him shift his weight uneasily from one foot to the other.
“Then why are you here?” I asked.
His eyes lifted, and I realized that what I had first perceived as anger was something else entirely. It was concern.
“I thought you could use a friend today,” he said.
The whole world disappeared for a moment, then I could do nothing but step into his arms and hold him close.
“I don’t want to cause any trouble,” Peter said, as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “But I’d like to see Matt if that’s okay. It’s been a long time.”
“Of course,” I replied. “He’s just down the hall.” All thoughts of coffee left my mind as we walked together to Matt’s room. “Don’t be too surprised when you see him. He’s lost a bit of weight and the nurses shaved his head this morning. He won’t look like the Matt you remember.”
“It doesn’t matter. I just want to wish him luck.” We stopped outside the door and Peter turned to me. “Maybe later you and I can talk about some things.”
“Of course.”
I knocked on Matt’s open door and entered, then gestured toward Peter, who walked in behind me. “Look who’s here,” I said, laboring to sound cheerful.
Matt took one look at Peter, and his eyes glistened with wetness. He struggled to sit up. “My God. Look at you. Come on in.”
Peter approached the bed and bent forward to hug Matt. I had to fight against another powerful onslaught of tears.
“You’re not here to punch my lights out I hope,” Matt joked. “It wouldn’t be too difficult, under the circumstances.”
We all laughed awkwardly. It wasn’t an easy situation.
“No, I came to wish you luck. It’s going to be a long surgery, I hear.”
Matt filled the awkward silence with an explanation about how they were going to drill into his skull, remove the tumor, and put everything back together afterward. He described some of the risks , then asked about Pete’s family, and how work was going at the pulp and paper plant.
When another strained lull in the conversation arose, Matt looked at me. “Cora, would you give Peter and me a minute? I need to say a few things.”
“Of course.” But I couldn’t seem to move my feet.
Gordon was at my side instantly. “We’ll go get that coffee now,” he said, as he led me out of the room.
We didn’t leave the floor, however. I, for one, wasn’t about to spend ten minutes lined up in the cafeteria. Gordon felt the same. All we did was stroll up and down the wide corridor, waiting for a reasonable amount of time to pass before we could return.
I wondered what Matt was saying to Peter, and suspected he was apologizing for stealing me away, and for deserting us in high school when he became friends with Doug Jones.
I had not forgotten the list of regrets Matt had told me about the first time he came to see me at Wellesley, and was quite sure he was ticking this one off, too.
He was making things right.
Peter left Matt’s room a few minutes later and found us by the nurses’ station. “Thank you,” he said, “for letting me see him. I’d like to stick around if you don’t mind. I’m going to grab some coffee now, but I’ll find you in the waiting room later. He told me what floor he’d be on for the surgery. I’ll sit with you, if you like?”
I touched his arm. “That would be nice.”
I watched Peter get on the elevator, then hurried back to Matt’s room.
Gordon didn’t follow.
Chapter Forty-six
A nurse was taking Matt’s blood pressure when I entered the room, so I waited quietly at his bedside, holding his hand.
He looked at me with playful, sexy eyes, and we shared a private chuckle at the strangeness of all this. We were young, passionate lovers, but here we were, mucking our way through blood work, brain seizures, and the terrifying notion of dying early in life during a complicated and dangerous surgery, now only minutes away.
As soon as the nurse left the room, I lowered the bedrail and climbed onto the mattress next to him. He put his arm around me. I laid my head on his shoulder.
“It’s going to be fine,” he said. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
I touched his lips with the pad of my finger and said, “Of course it will, and I’m going to be right here when you wake up.”
Leaning up on an elbow, he pressed his lips to mine and reminded me of how virile he was, despite these unthinkable circumstances. If not for the fact that a nurse could walk in at any moment, we would have made love, for we were both aroused. We understood the meaning of self-restraint, however, and laughed about the inconvenient IV line that was blocking our intentions, and the constant noise outside the door.
Eventually we gave up on the possibility of messing around like a couple of teenagers, and simply held each other.
“I’m glad you came to find me,” I told him. “These past few weeks have been the happiest of my life.” I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at him. “And all those years together in Camden… We were just kids, but it always felt like more. Now you’re here with me again, and I don’t ever want to be apart.”
“We won’t be. You’ve given me something to fight for, Cora. I want to be with you, so I’m going to make it through this, and tomorrow we’ll start making plans.”
I managed a pained smile and fought hard to believe him. I just had to. The alternative was unthinkable.
“I love you,” he whispered, as he kissed my forehead and held me close. “I’ve said it before, but I need to say it again. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you, Cora. I hope you’ll say yes.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Of course I will. I’m saying it right now. Yes.”
Just then, three nurses marched into the room. One of them started clapping her hands. “All right you two love birds. Break it up. This isn’t a hotel room.”
I laughed as I wiped a tear from my face, slid off the bed and rose to my feet.
“It’s time to go now,” another said. “We’re going to wheel you to surgery and take very good care of you. I promise you that.”
She met my gaze directly. “You can follow us and keep holding his hand until we reach the OR doors. Then you’ll have to wait outside.”
I took hold of Matt’s hand and squeezed it. “I’ll be there the whole time.”
Peter was sitting outside the OR in the waiting area, blowing on his hot coffee. I paused a moment to watch him – he hadn’t noticed me yet – and wondered what I had done to deserve such kindness from him.
In my own mind, I had always denied him what he wanted most – my complete and utter devotion. Even my virginity I had given to Matt without hesitation after barely more than a week, and I wondered if Peter somehow knew it. Could he sense it, or see it in my eyes?
He looked up at that moment and smiled at me, and all my fears faded away. No, he didn’t know how far Matt and I had gone. He was completely unaware.
“How are you doin
g?” he asked, when I sat down next to him.
“As well as can be expected.” I checked my watch and counted forward six hours. “But I think it’s going to be a very long night.”
I was surprised when he touched my hand. “Yeah, but you’ll get through it, Cora. He’s going to be fine. You’ll see.”
I hoped so. I really hoped so.
Chapter Forty-seven
Peter, Gordon and I sat together in silence for a long time. Peter read the newspaper while I tried to read a magazine, but eventually I tossed it aside because I couldn’t concentrate on the pictures or words. All I could do was stare at the wall and wrestle with my fears, or think back on all the special moments Matt and I had spent together.
I thought about how blue his eyes were, and how I had become so lost in them, even as a young girl. I remembered kissing him for the first time on Gordon’s sail boat, and I heard the sound of his voice in my ears. I want to marry you, Cora. I hope you’ll say yes.
After a while, I stood up to stretch my legs and wandered around the waiting room, strolled a little way down the corridor, careful not to step on the lines between the tiles. It was a childish game, I knew, but I needed some sort of distraction.
It was quiet in that wing of the hospital, and I felt very alone. All I wanted was for Matt to push through those swinging doors at the end of the hall, walk toward me with a smile, and say that it was all over and everything was going to be fine.
I leaned against the wall and stared down at my feet.
“Are you okay? Can I get you anything?”
I lifted my gaze and realized Peter was standing in front of me. “No, thanks. I’m fine.”
A voice came over the speaker system. “Your attention please. Visiting hours are now over. Visitors may return tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m.”
“I don’t think that’s for us,” Peter said, leaning a shoulder against the wall. “We’re okay here.”
I nodded.
Another moment passed while neither of us spoke. I tipped my head back and looked up at the ceiling, while Peter rubbed out the tension at the back of his neck.
“You know,” he said, “I always knew you guys shared something that I didn’t really understand.”
I looked up. “What do you mean?”
He shrugged. “When we were kids, there was something in the way you looked at each other. You never looked at me like that.” He paused. “Sometimes I would see the two of you sitting together on the beach, and I didn’t dare interrupt. I knew I couldn’t possibly intrude on whatever it was you were talking about. Sometimes I was jealous and angry. Other times I was…”
He paused again, and I turned to face him. “You were what?”
“I was… fascinated. I wanted to know what it was like to be with you like that. I wanted to be close to you, like he was, but I didn’t know how. I was glad when he left, because I knew that as long as he was around, you’d be with him and not me.”
I swallowed over the lump of despair that was rising in my throat. “I’m sorry, Peter. I cared about you very much, and I still do. I never wanted to hurt you.”
He dropped his gaze. “I know. Part of it’s my own fault. I always knew that if I tried to take you away from him, I’d lose in the end. I knew you loved him. It was plain as day. I’m really sorry that this is happening.”
I took a moment to digest all that he had confessed. “Thank you, Peter.”
A janitor came around the corner, pushing a broom back and forth across the wide corridor. I watched him for a moment, then returned my attention to Peter.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” he replied.
“What did you and Matt talk about when you were alone with him earlier?”
Peter drew in a breath. “Well… First he apologized for how he treated us in high school, when he ditched us for that other crowd.”
“He said the same thing to me when he first came to Wellesley.”
And I had known that he would need to say it to Peter.
“Then he told me that he was sorry for being the reason why you broke up with me, and that neither of you took any pleasure in hurting me – you especially. Then he told me that…” Peter hesitated. “That he was going to marry you.”
I pushed away from the wall and regarded him with surprise. “He told you that?”
“Yeah, and I wanted to punch his lights out. If he wasn’t hooked up to an IV, I probably would have.”
I managed a small smile when Peter inclined his head and shrugged apologetically.
He cleared his throat and continued. “I figured that’s what he wanted to say to me, when he sent you out of the room. I told him I wasn’t surprised because I always knew you loved him more than you ever loved me.”
“Peter…” I touched his shoulder, but he raised a hand to let me know he didn’t welcome my pity.
“I told Matt that he better treat you right, and that if he ever hurt you, I’d make sure he regretted it. He accepted that.”
“Peter…” I said again.
“No, Cora. Don’t. Really. I want you to be happy. That’s all.”
I pulled him into my arms and hugged him. “I want you to be happy, too. I know you will be. I just don’t think I’m the one for you.”
“That’s not true,” he whispered in my ear. “I may not be the one for you, but you were always the one for me, and always will be.”
I shut my eyes over the tears that stung my eyes, and kissed him on the cheek.
“So that’s all you talked about?” I asked, as we started walking back to the chairs in the waiting area.
“No,” he replied. “There was one more thing.”
I stopped and took hold of his arm. “Tell me.”
He looked down at the floor again. “Matt said that if anything happened to him, and he didn’t make it through the surgery, that he wanted me to make sure you would be okay. So here I am.” His eyes met mine. “I’m here for you, Cora, no matter what. But I want you to know that I really hope he makes it.”
Chapter Forty-eight
When the doors to the OR finally swung open, my whole being tightened with fear.
I stood up quickly and watched the surgeon walk the long length of the hall toward us. He kept his gaze downcast, and I knew in that moment that he did not have good news for us.
All the blood in my body rushed to my head. I couldn’t seem to breathe.
“I’m very sorry,” he said. “We did everything we could…”
Gordon bowed his head and wept, while Peter took me into his arms and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Cora. I’m so sorry.”
Life
Chapter Forty-nine
Sophie
I sat across the table from my mother and understood completely what she was feeling. I had experienced it myself, one year ago, in a New York hospital. The world had come to an end for me that day. The pain was more than anyone should ever have to endure.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t know about any of that. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“Because I was your mother, and I couldn’t talk that way about a man who wasn’t your father.”
A surprising sense of calm descended upon me as I regarded her in the early evening light. “Because Matt was my real father, wasn’t he?”
Mom pulled a tissue from the box and blew her nose. “Yes.”
We sat for a long time saying nothing, while I waited for my mother to work through the grief she had just relived.
I stood up, went to the cupboard, and searched around until I found a bottle of brandy. I poured us each a small amount and sat back down.
“So obviously you married Dad after…” I paused. “After my real father died.”
She raised the crystal tumbler to her lips, swirled the amber liquid around, and took a slow sip.
“After the operation,” she said, “Peter was there for me in every way. He didn’t pressure me to get back together with him. He was just there to comfort
me, always a friend. He knew how I felt about Matt. He may not have truly understood it, but he knew how real it was.
“It wasn’t easy, but I went back to Wellesley after Christmas and intended to finish out the year and get my degree. But after I started classes in January, I was sick in the mornings, and knew right away that I was pregnant.”
She took another sip of brandy and looked at me solemnly from across the table. “It was the 60s,” she explained. “It wasn’t like it is today, and I was a Wellesley girl. I didn’t know what my teachers or parents were going to say. I was a mess, Sophie, and I missed Matt so much, there were times I just wanted to curl up and die.”
She paused. “At the same time, I was overjoyed that I was carrying his child. You. You were all I had left of him, and I was going to do whatever it took to keep you.”
I frowned. “Whatever it took… Did you even tell Dad? Did he know what he was getting into? That you were already pregnant with Matt’s baby? With me?”
I had a hard time comprehending it.
“Of course he knew,” she said. “He was the one who suggested we get married. I didn’t want to at first. I just couldn’t bear the thought of marrying anyone except Matt. In my heart, he was already my husband, and I was his wife. I still loved him, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to take care of you on my own. My parents would have pressured me to keep the whole thing a secret and give you up for adoption, then finish my degree. Peter knew how I felt about that. He knew I would never give you up. He worked hard to talk me into it, practically begged me to marry him, promised that he would love you like his own child.
“And he did, Sophie. He was a good husband and father. He loved you because you were a part of me – and God knows he loved me more than I ever deserved to be loved. He was my best friend, and I don’t know how I would have survived without him.”
She tipped the glass up and finished the brandy.
“Then why did you leave him?” I asked, feeling a sudden jolt of anger in my chest. “He didn’t want you to leave. I heard you arguing about it in the days leading up to it, but you got on that plane, and you never came back. You left us. You left me. How could you do that? After everything you just told me, how could you abandon me? And Dad? He gave you everything.”