The next question was whether I should go to the library and see if I could find the book and get Sexton University's address. If I don't, I won't have to tell Alex. But if I do go, it's specifically to tell him, because why else would I want to know where Sexton University was located, except to fantasize about going to a school that had Sex in its name?
If I told Alex, he would leave. It wouldn't matter how far away it was. He'd wait until he was sure Julie was up to the trip, and then they'd take off and I'd never see either one of them again, unless I went with them, which apparently would require the approval not just of Mom and Dad but the eyes of God and the Church.
But how could I not tell him? And how could I be certain Syl wouldn't let something slip during Bible studies with Lisa and Charlie? Alex would hear about Sexton University, and he and Julie would leave, but he'd leave hating me.
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If we were never going to see each other again, I wanted him to at least feel bad about it.So I biked to town. I lied to Mom, saying I was going to Dad's to play with the baby, and Mom didn't try to break me. I guess some lies are more believable than others. My bike was in the garage, but she didn't notice when I got it, or if she did, she didn't run out to demand an explanation. Nobody else did, either. I biked the four miles to town all on my own.
I don't like going to town. It's a reminder of everything that isn't anymore. It was never a big town, but there were places to eat and to shop and to hang out. And now it's dead, except for City Hall, open on Mondays to hand out food. For as long as that lasts.
As I biked to the library I thought about having to break one of the windows to get in. That seemed horribly immoral, as bad as breaking a window of a church. But lucky for me, someone else didn't feel that way, because the window was already broken. I let myself in.
It was filthy. I don't know why that surprised me, since we scrub frantically to keep the soot manageable and there was no one at the library to do that. But there was something about the library being so cold, dark, and dirty that broke my heart. It felt like losing Horton again.
I didn't cry, though. There's enough to cry about without shedding tears over a building. Besides, if a miracle happened and Mom went to Dad's and found I wasn't there, I'd be grounded for life, which I pretty much am anyway, but this time it would be official.
I walked over to the reference section. Most of the books were still there. Of course most of the books had nothing to do with colleges. I had to dust off the covers of a
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lot of no longer useful books before I found what I'd been looking for: The American College Guide.I almost didn't pick it up. I told myself I could pretend I hadn't seen it and bike back home before anyone noticed I was gone and forget all about it, and Alex and Julie would stay with us. At least Jon and Julie would be happy. Didn't I owe it to Jon to keep Julie from going? And Dad and Lisa? And Charlie? And if Jon was miserable, then Mom would be miserable, and if she was miserable, she'd make Syl miserable, and that would make Matt miserable. And everyone would make me miserable.
Ignorance is bliss.
I picked up the book.
The colleges were listed in alphabetical order.
Sexton University was located in McKinley, Tennessee. It had a student enrollment of 5,500 and was best known for its agricultural and veterinary programs.
There's something about succeeding, even at a job you don't like, that makes you push harder. I tore out the page about Sexton University, then located a road atlas. There were five pages devoted to Tennessee, and I ripped them all out. Alex would have to find the state on his own, but once he got there, he could follow the map to McKinley.
Then, because I was all alone in a library and had already destroyed two books, I found my way to the poetry section, located an anthology of contemporary American poetry, and took it for Syl. I might even give it to her someday.
I stopped in at Dad's on my way home. Gabriel was yelling his little baby head off.
"He's teething," Lisa said, like he needed an excuse to scream.
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Alex, Jon, and Julie were in the parlor. Alex was giving them a world history lesson. Alex probably felt history still mattered. Julie believed Alex still mattered, and Jon believed Julie still mattered. Or maybe all three of them were actually interested.I could have interrupted, told Alex then and there about the safe town in McKinley, Tennessee, waved goodbye as he and Julie left us forever, consoled the brokenhearted, consoled my own broken heart.
Instead I gave Alex a quick nod, returned my bike to our garage, and came up to my bedroom closet to write all this down. I'm spending so much time in here, I'm thinking about putting up curtains.
Alex told me to trust in tomorrow. Well, maybe tomorrow I'll know what to do.
July 7
I still haven't decided.Instead of thinking, I scrubbed the house so clean that if decorating magazines still existed, our house would be the cover.
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***
Chapter 16 July 8
I didn't sleep well last night, and when I did, I had the same dream over and over, that I was alone in the house, which was our house but didn't look like our house. It was sparkling and new and I couldn't get over how beautiful it was, but every room I entered was empty. The more I had the dream, the more I knew the house was empty because everybody had died and I was the only person left alive.After a while I gave up trying to sleep.
I thought about my choices. They seemed pretty simple at first. Either I told Alex or I didn't tell Alex.
Then it got more complicated. I could tell Alex now or I could tell Alex next week. Or I could decide whether or not I'd tell him next week. Or next month. Or next year. Just because I didn't tell him now didn't mean I'd never tell him.
Of course when you can't be really sure you'll be alive a year from now, postponing decisions is the same as making decisions.
That got me back to either I told Alex or I didn't tell Alex. Because it would take him and Julie months to get to Tennessee, and winter comes early these days. Like by the
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end of August. If I delayed telling him until then, he and Julie would set off anyway and have a lot harder time making it to Tennessee.For all my talk about choices, I really didn't have any. I'd tell Alex where the safe town was, and I'd tell him right away. He and Julie would stay through Monday. Two days from now.
They'd already stayed much longer than Alex had intended. If the convent had still been open, they'd already have been gone for more than a week. My fantasy that Alex would have stayed with me was just that, a fantasy. He'd made a deal with God. Julie in the convent, Alex in the monastery. And Miranda? Miranda was just another dream.
So I'd tell him. I'd hand him his walking papers.
Nothing lasts except fear, hunger, and darkness. Five weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to imagine what I would feel loving, truly loving, a boy. I'd had feelings. I'd had fantasies. But nothing like what I've felt for the past five weeks. It would have been like picturing a color you've never seen.
Five weeks. Maybe I'll live five more years, or five more weeks, or only five more days. But I've been given the gift of those five weeks, and I shouldn't be greedy for more.
Once I accepted that, it was a matter of waiting until morning. I'm pretty sure I fell back asleep, but the dreams were gone.
I walked over to Dad's after breakfast. Alex and Julie were in the parlor praying. I thought, I have the answer to their prayers, but of course I don't know what their prayers are.
When they finished, I let them know I was there. "I need to talk to you," I said to Alex, but there was still a part of me that thought I didn't have to tell him.
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He waited for me."Outside," I said. "Let's go for a walk."
I didn't give Alex a chance to ask any questions. If I hesitated, I might not have gone through with it. We weren't ten feet from the house before I handed him the sheets of paper. "Syl says there's a safe town there," I said
. "At Sexton University."
Alex stared at the pages. "Has she seen it?" he asked.
"No," I said. "She heard about it from someone who was there when they turned it into one. She didn't know where it was and I lied about why I asked. I went to town, to the library. This is what I found."
Alex read the write-up of Sexton. Then he reached over and kissed me. "We'll go tomorrow," he said.
"It's Saturday," I said. "Wait until Tuesday."
"I hate waiting," he said. "If we wait much longer, Julie won't make it."
"It's just a cough," I said.
"There's no such thing as just a cough," he said. I held him and we kissed again.
"You'll come with us," he said. There was no question in his voice, just the assurance that I would. "Alex, I don't know," I said.
"No," he said. "You have to. Now that it's real, that Julie has a place to go, I can make plans for us."
"I'm not a Catholic," I said. "I can't convert for you."
"I'm not asking you to," he said. "I don't love you for what you believe. I love you in spite of what you believe."
"I believe in family," I said. "And so do you."
He nodded. "I thought the passes were the only thing I had of value. But you're what I value. I'll give Lisa two of the passes, for her and Gabriel. Julie can live with them in the
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safe town. Hal and you and I will live outside of town. Charlie, too, if he wants. They're bound to need workers, people to farm and clean and keep the town running. Miranda, we can do it."I thought about it as much as I could think with Alex's body so close to mine. I knew the journey would be hard, but it would be harder a month from now, a year from now, whenever the food ran out and we'd have to leave here. And I wouldn't have Alex.
If I left now, Mom would still have Jon and Matt and Syl. She couldn't object if I went with Dad. Even if she did object, she couldn't stop me.
"Yes," I said. "Oh, Alex, yes."
July 9
It was one thing to tell Alex that I would go with him. It was a whole other thing to tell Mom.I knew I had to. I couldn't vanish. I'd asked Alex to hold off telling Dad and Lisa until today, but once they knew, they'd come over to talk about plans.
It would be even worse if Julie told Jon and Jon told Mom before I had.
But it was Sunday, and Mom politely declined when Syl asked if she wanted to join them for their prayer service. I declined just as politely. Mom and I stood at the door and watched as Syl and Matt and Jon walked over to Dad's. I was alone now with Mom. I had no choice.
"There's something I have to tell you," I said.
I could see Mom calculate how bad it was going to be. But she didn't say anything, just gestured for me to sit by her side.
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"Alex has some papers," I said. "Three passes into a safe town.""What's a safe town?" Mom asked.
"They're towns that still work," I said. "The government set them up. They have electricity, I guess. Hospitals, schools. They're for important people to live in. People with connections."
"How did Alex get the passes?" she asked. "Does his family have connections?"
"What difference does it make?" I said. "He has them."
"It makes a lot of difference," Mom said. "Because the next thing you're going to tell me is you're going off with him and Julie and the three of you will be fine and happy and I shouldn't worry because you'll be in a safe town, whatever that is. But if Alex stole the passes or worse, then I want to know."
"I don't know how he got them," I said. "But I know Alex. He would never have stolen them."
"All right," Mom said. "Somehow these passes fell into his lap. It's a miracle. Why hasn't he taken Julie there already? What was all the business about the convent if there's this lovely safe town waiting for them?"
"He didn't know where one was," I said. "They keep them hidden. I found out for him."
"And how did you find out?" Mom asked.
"That doesn't matter," I said. "I found out. I told him. He and Julie and I will be leaving day after tomorrow. We're going to spend the rest of our lives together. Mom, he's giving up everything for me."
"You're the one who's giving everything up," Mom said. "You're giving up your home, your family."
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"No," I said. "That's what you don't understand, Mom. Alex is giving two of the passes to Lisa, for her and Gabriel. He'll let Julie live with them, and he and Dad and I will live together nearby. That's what he's giving up, Mom. Those passes are worth a lot. Alex could trade them for whatever he wants. But what he wants is me.""And where is this paradise on Earth?" Mom asked. "Where you'll live just outside someplace with hospitals and schools."
"Tennessee," I said. "Sexton University, in McKinley, Tennessee. Alex says we're sure to get work there. You can't stop me, Mom, any more than you could stop Matt from falling in love. I'm going. I'll be with Dad. I'll be all right."
"You're not doing this to be with your father," Mom said. "At least be honest about that."
"I'm more honest than you ever were," I said. "When you kept me from going with Dad last summer."
"I had to make that decision for you," Mom said. "You weren't old enough to decide for yourself."
"I'm old enough now," I said. "And I've decided."
"Does your father know?" Mom asked.
"Alex is telling him today," I said.
"Well, he'll be happy," Mom said. "A safe place for Lisa and the baby. Will Charlie go with you?"
"I don't know," I said. "I hope so."
"I hope so, too," Mom said. "Because you're going to need all the help you can get, Miranda, when this blows up. You think you're grown up but you're not. You have no idea what love is. What you feel for Alex, it's pity and desire, not love. Not the kind of love two people build a life on."
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"Maybe that's what love is now," I said. "Pity. Desire. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones because I still have feelings. I don't know. I just know I can't bear the thought of losing Alex. This is my chance, maybe my only chance, to love somebody. I can't worry about what we'll build a life on. We have today. If we're lucky, we'll have tomorrow.""What if you don't stay in Tennessee?" Mom asked. "How will I know where you are?"
"We'll let Alex's brother know," I said. "Carlos Morales. He's in the Marines, stationed in Texas. Alex can give you all his information."
"There's nothing I can say to change your mind?" she asked. "You have no doubts?"
I had a thousand doubts, a million doubts. "I love Alex," I said. "He loves me. I'm going with him."
"But not until Tuesday," Mom said. "If you do change your mind, it will be all right. Alex will understand and so will your father. Promise me you'll think about it between now and then. I love you, Miranda, and I want what's best for you. Think about what you'll be giving up if you go. Think about it hard."
"I have thought about it," I said. "And I promise you I'll think about it more. But, Mom, I'm going. I know what I'll be giving up if I go. But I also know what I'll be giving up if I stay."
Mom took my hand. "This wasn't how things were supposed to be," she said. "You should be in high school, your future ahead of you. Not this."
"It wasn't supposed to be this way for Alex, either," I said. "Or Matt. Or Jon. You have to fight for happiness, Mom. Maybe it didn't used to be that way, but it is now. I'm
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not going to settle for sadness. That's not what you want for me, not really.""I want to protect you," Mom said. "I want to know you're safe, that you'll be all right."
"Just love me," I said. "Love me and let me go."
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***
Chapter 17 July 10
I thought I knew what fear was. I thought, For the past year I've lived every day afraid; I must understand fear. I understood nothing.Last night was horrible. Matt yelled at me, told me that Alex wasn't good enough for me, that I was disloyal and stupid. Then he and Syl got into a screaming match in their room, so loud we could all hear
it downstairs.
Jon didn't yell, at least not at me. He and Mom had a huge fight. He wanted to go with us and Mom wouldn't let him. It was so bad she sent me over to Dad's to bring him back to tell Jon he'd be better off staying home.
Even Charlie got in the act. He came over to talk things out with me.
"I'm glad you're going with us," he said. "It makes Hal so happy, and Hal's the best friend I've ever had. But don't count too much on Alex. He's a great boy, Miranda, a wonderful boy, but that's what he is, a boy. A boy who's been given so much responsibility, he thinks he must be a man."
That was last night. And awful as it was, I'd give up everything to go back to it.
Matt and Dad went out this morning to chop wood
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and spend their last day together. Syl hid in her room; Jon, in his. Mom and I cleaned downstairs, carefully staying in different rooms as we dusted and scrubbed.Alex and Julie came over around ten. "Julie would like to make the food run with Jon," Alex said. "Is that all right with you, Mrs. Evans?"
Mom nodded. She went to the staircase and hollered to Jon to come down. He did, each step taking longer than the step before.
"Julie wants to go to town with you," Mom said. "For the food run. All right?" Jon shrugged.
Julie took that for a yes. "Let's go," she said. Jon followed as she left the house.
"I'd like to go out with Miranda if you don't mind, Mrs. Evans," Alex said. "I'd like to look for bikes or maybe even a car."
"It looks like it might rain," Mom said.
"She'll be fine," Alex said. "I'll look out for her."
"I'll get my jacket," I said. I ran to the closet and got it, giving Mom a peck on the cheek when I returned. "Mom, don't worry. I won't melt."
"All right," Mom said. "I won't worry."
When we got outside, I realized I wouldn't need my jacket. It was very muggy and close to 70 degrees. There was the smell of thunderstorms in the air. I hoped tomorrow would be better. It would be easier for Mom if I didn't leave under stormy skies.