"We only eat two meals a day," Matt said.
"Are you kidding?" Alex said. "Two meals a day? That's luxury."
"It is for us, too," Matt said.
"It'll be fine," Mom said. "It'll work out. We'll make it work out."
103
June 2
Last night, I wrote my diary entry in my bedroom closet, the most private place I could think of. Thanks to a couple of the flashlight pens Jon gave me, I had enough light, and although I could hear Matt and Syl murmuring in their room, the only other sound was Gabriel crying. Gabriel cries a lot.I hid my diary along with my other diaries, but I got it in my head my hiding place would be too easy to find if anyone really looked. It was hard enough after Matt brought Syl, but Charlie and Alex and Julie are strangers, and who knows what they were like before things happened, or even what they're like now.
So I was in my closet, searching for a better hiding place, which was why I got to hear Mom and Matt arguing in Matt's bedroom.
"They can't stay," Matt said. "You know that."
"This is what I know," Mom said. "I've already told Jon this, and I'll tell Miranda when we have a moment alone. There is only one person in this house who matters and that's the baby. He can't survive without his mother, so that makes Lisa the second most important person. All the rest of us, even the girls, can get by if we have to. Syl's shown me that. But the baby can't, so we have to see to it that Lisa is taken care of, that she has enough to eat, that the baby is kept warm and dry. If that means all those people move into this house, then so be it. If that means we all eat a little less so Lisa can eat a little more, then so be it. No baby is going to die because I ate a second can of green beans. Do you understand me?"
"I do," Matt said. "And on the face of it what you're saying makes sense. But if you're so concerned about that
104
second can of green beans, how can you justify Dad eating it? Let alone all those other people. Mom, Jon and I worked hard for those fish. It wasn't fun and games, especially not the second trip. You know as well as I do the food we're getting from town isn't enough to sustain us, and it sure isn't going to last forever. We need to be as strong as possible when we have to leave here. Just having Dad and Lisa and that army they brought with them here cuts down on our chances. What if the rains stop? Will we fight with them for water?""I'm not turning them out," Mom said. "This isn't a way station for Hal. You're his children. He has rights."
"He has no rights!" Matt exploded. "He deserted us twice. He left you years ago--"
"That was a mutual decision," Mom said.
"He left you," Matt said. "You would have kept the marriage going if he hadn't and you know that. And then he and Lisa drop by last summer and go their merry way. We owe them nothing."
"They brought us food," Mom said. "Food that kept us alive for weeks, maybe months. Food they could have kept for themselves. And would things have been better if they'd stayed? Lisa hysterical with worry over her parents? Food running out and then the sickness. Maybe she wouldn't have survived. Maybe the baby would have died. Things could have been so much worse, Matt. I'm not sure they'd have been any better."
"I don't know, Mom," Matt said, and his voice got so much lower I had to strain to hear him. "Maybe you should have let Miranda go with them. That might have been the best thing after all."
105
I felt like I'd been punched in my stomach. I had never known Dad wanted me along with him and Lisa when they left here last summer."Is that what you wish for her?" Mom asked. "Evac camps? A life like Syl's?"
"Leave Syl out of this," Matt said. "She didn't have parents to look after her. Dad would have protected Miranda. Yeah, it would have been hard, but it's been hard for her here. And we knew, we all knew, that whatever food we had would last that much longer with one less mouth to feed."
"I couldn't let her go," Mom said. "I couldn't send Miranda or Jon or you out there knowing I might never see you again. I don't know how those kids' parents could have done it, Alex and Julie's."
"My guess is they don't have parents," Matt said. "Any more than Syl does."
Mom sighed. "This is a horrible time," she said. "But we've gotten through it together, and that's how it's going to be. I'm sure Hal's already thinking about what to do next. In the meantime we'll make do. Lisa isn't going to go hungry while she's nursing. We can't let that happen."
I heard Syl walking up the stairs. "Laura?" she said. "I remembered seeing a flannel sheet in the linen closet. I thought we could cut it up for diapers."
"Good idea," Mom said.
"Stay here for a moment," Matt said. "Mom and I have been talking, and I want you to know what's going on."
I used that chance to slip out of my bedroom and make my way downstairs before anyone realized I might have eavesdropped. My timing was perfect, since as I
106
walked past the living room, I heard an argument between Dad and Lisa."We can't let Julie go," Lisa said. "Who knows where Alex will take her, what will become of her."
"We know exactly where she's going," Dad said. "Alex's been very clear about their plans."
"To leave her in an orphanage," Lisa said. "So he can go off to Ohio."
"It's not an orphanage," Dad said. "It's a convent, and it took in girls like Julie last summer. It's not like he's planning to join the circus. He feels that Julie would be safer at the convent than she is on the road."
"But she'd be safe with us!" Lisa cried. "Hal, I don't think I can survive without Julie. She understands what I've gone through. No one else does."
"I do," Dad said. "I wish you'd believe me, Lisa."
"You don't," Lisa said. "You say you do. You may even believe it, but you don't. You decided right away that your mother had died. Even when we were trying to make it out west, you never thought you'd see your mother again. But my whole family was out there--my parents, my sisters. I'll never know if they're alive or dead. All I have is my faith that God will reunite us. Julie knows how that feels, that need to see your family again, that terror that you never will. She's the only one I can talk to."
"You can talk to me," Dad said. "You are talking to me."
"It makes no sense for Julie to live with nuns she's never even met," Lisa said. "If Alex would let her stay with us, then he could do whatever he wants, and he'd never have to worry about her. Please, Hal. Talk to him again, try to convince him. I'm sure the nuns are wonderful women, devout women, but Julie doesn't know them. She knows
107
us. I've lost so much, Hal. God brought Julie to me, to help me through. He can't want me to lose her.""Are you enjoying yourself?"
I turned around and saw Alex standing there. Who knows how long he'd been watching me.
"I'm not enjoying any of this," I said to him. "Thank you for asking."
"Miranda, is that you?" Dad called.
"Yeah, Dad," I said, sticking my head into the living room, nice and casual. "I was looking for Lisa. I wanted to tell her Syl found a flannel sheet Gabriel can use for diapers. Oh, hi, Lisa. I bet Gabriel will like that, a new set of diapers."
"I know I will," Dad said. "We've been down to four diapers for weeks now. Every night we wash three and hope they'll be dry by the morning."
I imagined quickly what my life would have been like if I'd left with Dad and Lisa back in August. Only I couldn't imagine. Maybe if I'd gone, Mom, Matt, and Jon would have left before winter got bad. Maybe I never would have seen them again, and I'd be like Lisa, not knowing if my family was still alive, only without her faith. Or maybe I'd have her faith. Lisa hadn't been particularly religious that I could remember.
"I saw some textbooks, Miranda," Alex said. "Julie's in eighth grade. Would it be all right if we used some of your books?"
"They're ninth grade textbooks," I said, like that would make a difference. "Sure. Jon's stopped using them, at least for the summer."
"We have a Bible," Lisa said. "Julie can read from that."
Alex smiled a
t her. "Yes, she can," he said. "Julie and I read from our missal. But it would be good for her to review
108
spelling and grammar and math. She was a very good student when she went to Holy Angels."I was starting to see what Lisa was up against. Alex reminded me of Matt, only a 100 times more protective. Then again, Alex and Julie didn't have a mother watching over them.
What were their lives like? How could they endure without parents? How had Syl?
No matter how awful I'd had it, I realized how lucky I was. Even now, back in my freezing cold closet, the only light coming from my two flashlight pens, I do understand that, in spite of everything, I'm one of the lucky ones.
109
***
Chapter 9 June 3
If you'd asked me a week ago what it would take for me to feel better, I would've said knowing how Dad and Lisa and the baby were, meeting a boy my own age, and running water.Now I have all three. I guess I must feel better.
Dad and Matt got the water running again, which, with ten people and a baby in the house, is a really good thing. All that snow and rain have finally paid off, and the sound of the toilets flushing is music to everybody's ears.
Gabriel isn't exactly Baby Rachel, but I think he's screaming a little bit less. Mom says Jon was colicky also, but I don't remember. Charlie is great with the baby. I think the only times Gabriel isn't crying is when he's nursing and when Charlie sings him lullabies.
Alex may not be the teenage boy of my dreams, but he is a teenage boy. He's eighteen, and if things had stayed normal, he'd be graduating high school this month and preparing to go to Georgetown. Julie told Jon, who told Mom, who told Matt, who told me.
If Alex isn't the teenage boy of my dreams, Julie seems to be the teenage girl of Jon's. Or maybe he's just as desperate
110
for someone his age as I was. He and Julie always seem to be sitting next to each other and talking, even playing chess. I guess Alex approves of Jon and Mom approves of Julie. I know Mom approves of Alex, who stands up every time Mom enters a room and says please and thank you and may I help you. He's definitely Mom's dream of a teenage boy.With all this happiness going on, you'd think I'd be happy, too. Or at least not as obsessed with how long the fish is going to last.
Except we all are. Nobody says so, because that would be rude. But today, instead of fish and a quarter can of vegetables each (except for Lisa, who gets double portions of everything), we had fish and a whiff of vegetables.
It's amazing. I never used to like red cabbage, but now when I get only a teaspoon of it, it's all I can think about. How lovely. How tasty. How not fish it is.
Pretty soon the fish is going to be not fish also.
Charlie eats the least of us, and I have to admit I thought he was sneaking into the garage and stealing shad until he told us a bit about himself.
"I used to weigh three hundred and seventy pounds," he told us over a quarter teaspoon of red cabbage. "I was scheduled for weight loss surgery on May twenty-third. Instead I went on a starvation diet, with lots of walking and biking for exercise." He laughed. "This is the best shape I've ever been in."
"It's an ill wind that doesn't blow anybody some good," Syl said, and we all stared at her.
"My grandmother used to say that," she said.
That got us laughing, and then we came up with clichés that used to mean something. The early bird catches the worm. Big fish in a small pond.
111
The best one was half a loaf is better than none at all. I thought we'd never stop laughing after Dad came up with that.But then Gabriel started yowling, and Lisa nursed him for the 87th time that day and that quieted all of us.
"I've been thinking," Dad said. "It's been wonderful staying here, and Laura, you have no idea how grateful we are, but this house was never meant for ten people."
"I think we all know that," Mom said.
"Julie and I won't be staying much longer," Alex said. "We shouldn't have stayed as long as we have, but she needed the rest."
"You did, too," Julie said. "You're the one who collapsed last week."
"Julie," Alex said.
"We all needed the rest," Charlie said. "Laura, you-- well, all of you have saved our lives."
"Alex and Julie have places to go to," Dad said. "But now that I have my children back, including Syl, who I didn't even know about before, I don't ever intend to leave you."
It's funny how relieved I felt when Dad said that. I'd been trying not to think of his going away again. Even though I'd know he and Lisa and Gabriel were alive, it would still be awful not to have them with me.
"The problem is we can't be sure you'll get any food," Matt said. "It took a fair amount of convincing before they'd give Syl any."
Dad nodded. "That's been my concern, too. We can't keep eating your food, and we can't be sure they'll give us some."
"But you're our father," I said. "That should count."
"Maybe for me," Dad said. "But there's Lisa to consider
112
and Charlie, and Alex and Julie for as long as we can get them to stay. I do have an idea, though, that might solve a lot of problems.""Go on," Mom said.
"Mrs. Nesbitt's house is empty," Dad said. "But if her son came back, his family should be entitled to food. What was his name again?"
"Bobby," Mom said. "He lived in San Diego. Mrs. Nesbitt never heard from him ..." She didn't finish the sentence. We never do. Some sentences don't need to be finished.
"Then no one knows if he's still alive," Dad said. "I'll go into town on Monday and say I'm Bob Nesbitt, that I brought my family back to see how Mom was doing, and we'll be moving into her house. Which we'll do anyway, since that way we won't be underfoot. It's me and my wife, what was her name?"
"Sally," Mom said.
"Me and Sally and our two kids, Alex and Julie, and the baby and my brother-in-law, Charlie. Who's going to know different?"
"Why should they believe you?" Matt asked. "I was there to vouch for Syl."
"Then I'll take one of you with me," Dad said. "Miranda? How would you feel about coming along and swearing I'm Bob Nesbitt?"
"Hal, I didn't bring up the kids to lie," Mom said.
"No," Dad said. "But you didn't bring them up to starve, either."
"I don't mind," I said, because I hated the thought of Mom and Dad going after each other. "If Syl's entitled, I don't see why Dad shouldn't be. And it would be great having everybody at Mrs. Nesbitt's."
113
"There's a woodstove in the kitchen," Matt said. "You'll need firewood. And some space heaters.""We can look for those," I said. "And toilet paper and everything else they'll need. Oh, Mom, it'd be so great to have Dad there."
"Where's Mrs. Nesbitt's?" Alex asked, and Julie asked, "Who's Mrs. Nesbitt?" at the exact same time.
That got us laughing again. "She was our closest neighbor," Matt said. "Her house is right down the road. You can't see it from here, but there's a path through the woods we used to take."
"Then we're agreed?" Dad asked, although it wasn't exactly a question. "Miranda and I will go into town on Monday and see if they'll give us food. We'll spend the next few days here, until we can get set up at the Nesbitt house. Maybe if we can get food, we can convince Alex and Julie to stay a little longer."
"Please, Alex," Julie said.
"We'll see," Alex said.
Julie smiled, and suddenly I understood why Jon likes her so much. Her smile made you forget everything that's happened in the past year.
"We might as well give it a try," Mom said. "If Miranda is willing."
"I am, Mom," I said. But I don't think my smile made anyone forget anything.
June 4
I was in my bedroom, trying to decide what would be the absolutely safest place to hide my diaries, when I heard a knock on my door and Alex softly saying, "Miranda?"Even though I hadn't touched a thing and my diaries
114
were as hidden as they ever are, I instantly d
ecided I needed to find an even better place for them. That was after I finished jumping at the sound of a strange boy's voice."Yeah," I said, which didn't come off quite as friendly as it should have. "I mean, hi, Alex. What do you want?"
He stood in the doorway until I gestured for him to come in.
"I hope I'm not bothering you," he said. "I was wondering if you might have some clothes Julie could borrow. Just for the time we're here."
"Oh, sure," I said. "Julie's smaller than I am, but we can work something out." Syl already has half my wardrobe. Julie could have the other half.
"Thank you," he said. "It'll mean a lot to her."
"Do you want me to ask Matt if you could borrow some of his clothes?" I asked. Why should I be the only naked one in the house?
"That would be great, thank you," Alex said. "It's just for a few days, until Julie's rested up enough."
"There's no rush," I said. "I'll see what I can find."
Alex looked around my room. "You have a lot of books," he said.
"Not that many," I said. "And I've read all of them three times by now."
"I miss reading," he said, taking my copy of Pride and Prejudice off the shelf. "I miss learning useless things. Latin. Calculus."
"I miss friends," I said. "Friends. Family. Food. The three Fs." I smiled, but Alex didn't smile back.
"I miss home," he said. "And the feeling you got in a library carrel, like nothing in the world mattered except the
115
book you were reading." He put Pride and Prejudice back on the shelf. "I miss pride. The sin of pride.""I don't think it's a sin to be proud," I said, looking at my skating trophies. "Not if you've worked to achieve your goal."
Alex shook his head. "You don't understand," he said. "It's different for you. You work to keep your house clean, and you take pride in how it looks. That's not what I mean."