“You look good, Em.” The words felt like they were torn out of me. Last time I’d seen her, she’d been covered in stitches, her face barely held together because I couldn’t save her.
Her gold-colored eyes flared with something I couldn’t identify and a muscle in her cheek twitched furiously. “You don’t, Sutton. You look like crap.”
“Can you find out what they did with my clothes when they brought me in?” Not that I was opposed to walking out of here with my ass hanging out. That couldn’t touch the embarrassment of being too far gone to realize I was killing myself and hurting my daughter beyond repair one drink at a time.
“Leo took them home to wash them. They smelled like the floor of the bar and were covered in beer.” She fiddled with her phone and gave me a critical once-over. “Cy is running to the ranch and said he’ll bring you something to wear. He’s switching cars with Leo so it’s easier for you to get into.”
I swore and rolled my eyes. “I can climb up into his truck.”
She rolled her eyes right back at me. This was not the same woman who had run out of my hospital room when I told her to go. This woman was not backing down from me. She wasn’t scared of me. Emrys crossed her arms over her chest, drawing my attention to the swell of her breasts under her denim shirt. When I first saw her, I thought she was pretty but thinner than I preferred my women. She was tall, lean, and sleek. She didn’t have the curves and softness that Leo did. She also didn’t have the Playboy-build that Brynn rocked. Em looked like she had been designed for speed rather than comfort and easy handling. It worked for her, and apparently worked for me, because even as I told myself she still wasn’t my type, my dick twitched and I couldn’t tear my eyes off her.
I’d been numb below the belt for six months. I figured it was what I deserved for not being able to stop that monster from touching her. But my dick must not have gotten the memo that we were being punished, because as she glared at me and her tits lifted when she exhaled in frustration, the faint, familiar tightening made me look at my lap in shock. I wasn’t exactly hard as a rock, but I was definitely interested. Things were stirring and shifting, working the way they were supposed to.
I cleared my throat and shifted on the edge of the bed uncomfortably. “How far out is he? Do I have time to take a quick shower before he gets back?”
Her shoulders dropped as she sighed and tapped on her phone some more. After a few seconds, she looked up at me and nodded. “He just got there. He said another hour or so, which will give the doctor time to come in and determine if you can go home or not.”
I growled at her under my breath. “I’m going.” Daye needed me home. She needed me to get my shit together and my head on straight. I wasn’t going to accomplish any of that in this hospital bed.
Her eyebrows quirked again. “Really? Because you fell over when you tried to get on your feet a second ago.”
Annoyed that she was right and that she was here when I didn’t want her to be, I put my hands on the bed next to me and slowly levered myself to a standing position. The room didn’t tilt as badly as it had before, but immediately I felt like I was going to throw up and my knees started shaking. I locked them to keep myself upright and refused to move my eyes away from hers as she watched me carefully.
“If you’re determined to do this, wait for the nurses to get back. You look like you’re about to pass out.” Her voice had a little wobble in it now that I was no longer sitting down. I had lost a lot of weight after the shooting, but I was still a lot taller and a lot bigger than she was. That hint of fear she fought so hard to repress was back in her eyes.
“You got the IV out of my hand with no problem. You can help me in the shower.” It was my turn to lift an eyebrow at her, but she was pointedly looking anywhere but at me. “How did you do that, by the way? I thought you worked in human resources.”
Her eyes lifted back to mine in surprise. Like I would ever be able to forget anything about her. There weren’t enough booze or pills in Wyoming for that. She took a step toward me as I took a faltering step. She blew out a frustrated breath and moved to my side as I took another wobbly but determined step toward the bathroom. “My mom is a nurse. She works primarily in obstetrics, but most of the basics are the same. She used to help me bandage up all my toys when I played hospital. I picked up a thing or two from her along the way.”
I stiffened when her arm wrapped around my waist, the heat from her touch burning into my uncovered back. This was the closest I’d ever been to her and it was making me dizzier than the lack of nutrients. She put another hand on my stomach and looked up at me from under her lashes.
“You’re really skinny, Sutton.” She wasn’t wrong. That’s what happened when you started drinking all your meals instead of eating them.
I grunted in reply as we shuffled across the room. I was skinnier than I had ever been, but there was still a lot of me to keep upright and moving. By the time we got into the sterile, cramped bathroom, both of us were breathing hard and Emrys had beads of sweat dotting her forehead. She helped me sit down on the lid of the toilet and again warned me that I should wait for the nurses to come back and help.
I waved her off. “You can stay and make sure I don’t fall and break my neck, or you can wait outside and trust that I’ll call if I need help.” I didn’t care. I was tired of smelling myself and grossed out by my overall hygiene.
She wavered by the doorway, clearly undecided on the best course of action. Without waiting for her to make up her mind, I reached behind my back and tugged loose the only tie that was holding the gown on my body. It fell in my lap with a soft swish, covering my suddenly working cock. I thought the fact that I was getting naked would scare her off. I thought she would take one look at my scarred chest, at the visual reminder of how I’d let her down, and run.
I thought wrong.
She let out a gasp that made my skin tingle, and before I could stop her, she was on her knees in front of me with her hands on the twelve-inch scar that ran from the hollow of my throat to the base of my breastbone. I’d been cut wide open to save my life and the scar was still red and angry, but her touch when her fingers brushed across it burned more than the healing had. She traced the long length, tears glittering in her eyes. I was too stunned to speak because my dick definitely liked the position she was in and was letting me know. I cleared my throat and gently pushed her hand away, acutely aware of the fact she was uncomfortably close to my growing erection.
“I’ll be okay for a couple minutes. I just need to rinse off and wash my hair.” I needed to jerk off and take advantage of the fact my shit was working again, but she didn’t need to know that. It was a minor miracle and I wasn’t about to question my luck. “Shut the door, and I swear if I feel dizzy or can’t keep my balance, I’ll let you know.”
She was wavering when I pushed to my feet, letting the hospital gown fall and putting my erect cock right in her face. She let out a strangled sound and fell back on her ass. She looked up at me with startled eyes and quickly climbed to her feet. She didn’t have any clue it was the first time in way too long that I’d been hard, and she sure as hell didn’t need to know she was the reason behind my miraculous recovery. Quickly, she turned her back on me and shut the door behind her, leaving it open a crack so she could hear me if I needed her.
Oh, I needed her all right. But not to help me in or out of the shower.
I looked down at myself, taking in the jagged scar and the straining erection. I snorted at the sight. I was still a mess, but at least I was a functioning mess once again.
I twisted on the water, took careful steps to get myself under the spray, and let it wash away the last six months of bad decisions. I vigorously scrubbed my too-long hair and too-long beard and put a hand on the wall in front of me when my vision started to go dark around the edges. I let the warm water rush over the back of my head and down my neck as I reached down and wrapped a fist around the flesh that had been worthless up until the woman outside the
door burst back into my life.
I had to bite back a groan at the first stroke. It had been too fucking long and it felt so fucking good. I swore at the second stroke and ignored Emrys when she asked if everything was okay. It was her voice and her face that followed the third stroke and the ones after. I kept my eyes closed and lost myself in the welcome sensation of pleasure and release.
I felt my spine tingle, my legs shake, and my breathing speed up. It was going to be over before it started and I prayed this wasn’t the only hard-on I was going to get for the foreseeable future. If it was, I was going to be pissed as hell that I wasted it on my hand instead of using it on a willing woman. When I came, I couldn’t hold back a strangled shout of relief. I squeezed the throbbing shaft and felt my entire body shudder. It was the first time I’d felt right, felt whole in months and months.
I was pushing off the wall to turn off the water when a breathy, high-pitched sound from the doorway caught my attention. Emrys was standing inside the bathroom, eyes twice their normal size, face flaming, and her fingers over her parted lips. My hand was still on my dick and I was sure the expression on my face was hungry and hard. She blinked her big, honey-colored eyes at me and slowly started to back out of the room as I let go of my twitching dick and reached to crank off the water.
“I heard a sound and got worried. Sorry.” She dropped her hand and turned on her heel to flee the room.
“I told you I would call if I couldn’t handle it on my own.” I reached for one of the scratchy towels that was at the back of the shower. I wasn’t putting on that stupid hospital gown again. I pushed my hair off my face and scratched my wet beard. When I got back to the ranch, I was going to shave, or least trim the fuzzy mess up. When I took a step out of the shower, the darkness on the outside of my vision started to bleed into the center, and shaking my head didn’t clear it up. I swore again and called out, “Em.”
With obvious reluctance, she poked her head back in the bathroom. She was still blushing and couldn’t meet my gaze. “Now I’m dizzy and a little unsteady. Give me a hand back to the bed.”
She ran her eyes over my wet torso and the towel wrapped loosely around my waist. I fully expected her to refuse, but she gave herself a little shake and straightened her spine. Her long braid swung over her shoulder and trailed between her breasts. It dragged my mind into the gutter along with it. I bit back another groan and tried not to shout in excitement as my dick twitched under the towel. Apparently, it was making up for lost time.
She gave me a curious look as she moved to slide her arm around my waist. I lifted my eyebrows and told her flatly, “I need you.” She didn’t look impressed by my sarcasm.
I’d told her I would let her know when I needed her; I should have known it was her I needed all along. It seemed like a cruel twist of fate. Maybe there was a bigger, badder punishment for failing out there than my dick not working. If there was, I had no doubt Emrys Santos was going to be the one to dole it out.
Home is Where the Heart is
Emrys
The doctor wanted to keep Sutton until the morning, but the stubborn man was determined to go. He warned him there was a high likelihood he would start experiencing symptoms of withdrawal considering the abuse he’d been putting his body through the last few months. Sutton waved the concern off saying he would be fine. The doctor was skeptical but realized nothing he could say would keep him there.
Instead of fighting him and putting him through more stress, they decided to let him go against doctor’s orders. Cy wasn’t happy about the decision, but he knew there was no stopping his brother once his mind was made up. I could hardly look at Sutton after the eyeful I’d gotten in the bathroom. My cheeks were still hot and my mouth was dry from the sight of him working himself over in the shower. Even injured and at far less than his best, Sutton was still a sight to behold when he was naked and vulnerable. He still had a sleek strength to his body and those clearly defined muscles looked good all wet and slick. Not to mention his cock didn’t appear to have suffered any ill effects from his recent foray into addiction. It was the one place on his body that seemed just as big and virile as the rest of him had been before he’d gotten shot. That was a lot of masculinity right in my face, and it had taken a very stern lecture to keep from walking across the bathroom floor to get a better look as his hand moved up and down the stiff length under the water.
Cy brought Sutton a pair of track pants and a faded t-shirt to change into for the ride back to the ranch. He also had on a pair of battered and well-worn Converse instead of his ever-present cowboy boots. He looked like a stranger in those casual clothes, but he seemed to be far more comfortable than he had been in a while. He groused at his older brother when he helped him into the SUV, but it was obvious he was still weak and having some difficulties getting around on his own.
The ride back to the ranch was quiet, the brothers each lost in their own thoughts while I struggled to get my suddenly alert and curious libido under control. I’d always had a healthy and active love life. I tended to be a serial monogamist, jumping from one long-term relationship to the next. None of them lasted longer than a couple of years; I found the romantic equivalent of a fixer-upper, and once the rehab was done, I moved on to my next project. I’d been casually dating an executive chef before Leo and I left for Wyoming. He was sophisticated and charming, with a French accent that I couldn’t resist. He also didn’t know just how good he was and I’d been steadily encouraging him to take the steps toward opening his own restaurant. We were still at the ‘getting to know one another’ phase when I left. It had been a long time since I’d been with anyone before and after that. As soon as my face was put back together, I’d been tempted to see if it was as easy as it had always been for me to catch the eye of the opposite sex, but my heart wasn’t into it. It wasn’t my ego that needed soothing, it was my soul. I didn’t need to hear I was pretty and desirable. I needed to know I was worth saving. That I was worth sacrificing for. I also needed someone to show me that they were worth sacrificing for.
The truth was, no one had lit me up and flipped my switch as quickly as Sutton had . . . ever. One look at him and everything inside of me perked up and took notice. I was typically confident and sure around men. I didn’t play games or beat around the bush. I had no problem asking for what I wanted and walking away guilt-free if I didn’t get it. I knew exactly what I had to offer and never gave anything more than that. Something was different with Sutton. From the start, I wasn’t sure how to approach him. He seemed so blatantly disinterested and annoyed by my presence that I’d been intimidated. I knew I wanted him, but I was also a little bit afraid of him. He intrigued me more than any other man ever had. Now that I knew exactly what he looked like when he was lost in pleasure and caught up in his release, I was having a hard time remembering he didn’t want anything to do with me, that I was the last woman who would ever get the chance to put that intense look on his handsome face.
I heaved a sigh that was far louder than I thought it would be in the silent car. Both heads in the front seat turned to look at me questioningly, making me blush and lower my eyes to my lap.
“Everything all right back there?” Cy’s rumbling tone was full of brotherly concern.
I nodded and turned to look out the window. “Just tired. I think jetlag is finally catching up with me.”
Cy turned his attention back to the road but Sutton settled his gaze on mine. He looked a little green around the gills and there were thin, white lines of tension bracketing his lips. He didn’t look so good, but he wasn’t complaining about being in pain. “Where did you go?”
Unspoken was the fact that he was the one who demanded I leave. “I stayed with Leo for a little bit at her place in the city, but I was cramping her style. She missed Cy, but wasn’t about to leave the Bay Area as long as that’s where I felt safe. I left without telling her and went to visit her grandmother in Florida.” I leaned my forehead against the glass of the window and closed my eyes.
“My face was still a mess. I looked like a monster. I didn’t want my parents to see me that way, so I couldn’t go home.” I was avoiding those difficult conversations I didn’t know how to have. “My cowardice worked in my favor. Leo’s gram is seeing a retired plastic surgeon who lives in the same retirement community. He took one look at me and hooked me up with a specialist. I stayed there for a few months getting my face fixed. Once I could look myself in the mirror, I took off for somewhere sunny and warm because everything inside of me was ice cold. Being around other people hurt. Being around people who cared about me hurt even more. I needed someplace quiet, someplace I could heal without answering questions.” I needed something easy . . . or so I thought.
I could feel his gaze boring into me but I wasn’t ready to meet it yet.
“Have you seen your family now?” Sutton’s voice was raspy and there was a quiver of something I couldn’t identify laced through it. I peeled my eyes open so I could look at him.
He looked clammy and shaky, so I leaned forward to touch the backs of my fingers against his forehead in concern. His skin was damp and blazing hot. He looked worse than he had the night they brought him to the ER in the back of the ambulance. He jerked away from my fingers and stubbornly turned to face the front, eyes locked on the scenery whizzing past.