"Hey…" Carter said, insulted by my dad's question.
My dad turned to face Carter and sighed.
"Fine, you can date my daughter and get to know your son. But if you knock her up again…"
"DAD!"
My dad looked over at me with my hands on my hips and smoke practically coming out of my ears and then continued with his warning like I wasn’t there.
"…I will comb the face of the earth, hunt you down like a dog, and drop her cranky ass off on your doorstep. I'm not dealing with another nine months of Miss Pissy Pants over there."
Oh for the love of God.
I looked back and forth between them as they stared each other down.
Carter nodded his head and stuck out his hand for my dad to shake.
"Deal," Carter said as they shook on it.
Wonderful. One big happy cray-cray family.
Just then, Gavin flew through the living room holding something above his head.
"Carter! Look at the new sword I gots!"
Christ almighty!
My son was running into the room with my Jack Rabbit above his head like he was a gladiator going into battle. A gladiator with a purple "sword" that had five speeds.
"Oooh, what does this button do?" Gavin asked as he stopped and pressed the button that made the beads swirl around.
I flew over to him and tried to snatch it out of his hand, but he wouldn't let go. I frantically pressed all of the buttons to get it to stop while I played tug-of-war with Gavin and suddenly I hit one that switched it to warp speed and made the whole top part start rotating and vibrating so hard Gavin's arms shook.
"M-m-m-m-m-o-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-m th-th-th-th-i-i-i-i-s-s-s-s t-t-t-i-i-ck-l-e-s-s-s."
Fucking hell. When did this kid get so strong?
"Gavin, cut it out. This is not a toy," I said through gritted teeth.
I was playing tug-of-war with a rubber penis and my son. This is not okay people!
"It is too a toy. Why do you get all the good toys?" Gavin huffed as he put all of his weight into pulling the thing out of my hand and I actually stumbled forward.
"No, really guys don't worry. I've got this," I said sarcastically at my dad and Carter. They were standing shoulder-to-shoulder, a few feet away watching the show. They looked at each other and burst out laughing.
Of course. NOW they bonded - when I was trying to wrestle a sex toy out of my kid's hand.
"Gavin, let go NOW!" I yelled.
"You better do as your mom says, Gavin. She gets grumpy when she can't play with her toy," my dad laughed.
Carter laughed right along with him until I shot him a look that clearly said "If you don't shut the fuck up and help me, I will never let you in my pants again."
His mouth quickly shut and he finally moved.
"Hey, Gavin, I got something for you I left on the front porch. And it's a much better toy than your mom's. Why don't you run out and grab it," Carter suggested.
Gavin released his death grip on the vibrator without another word and ran out the front door.
"You are so lucky you helped me when you did or there would have been serious repercussions," I told Carter angrily.
Obviously he didn't get the severity of the situation since he was actually giggling right now. And my dad was wiping tears out of his eyes. Then I looked down and realized I had been enunciating my point by shaking the vibrator in Carters face.
I quickly put my arm down, opened one of the end table drawers and shoved the damn thing inside just as Gavin ran back into the house with a toy gun, cowboy hat and sheriff’s badge stuck to his shirt.
"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they cut your wiener," Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.
"Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately," Carter muttered.
***
I forgave Carter on our ride to the bar because come on, look at him. I couldn't hold a grudge and fantasize about his penis. It was a major conflict of interest.
Business was just starting to pick up at the bar as the after-work crowd started filing in around seven. Liz and Jim ate dinner with Carter at one of the booths and the three of them moved over to the bar after they were done. On one of my many trips walking past them, Carter reached out and grabbed my arm. He swiveled his seat to the side so he could pull me between his legs. I set my empty tray on top of the bar next to him and he rested his hands on my hips.
"Remember when I told you that I would always tell you if your ass looked fat?" he asked.
Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have licked the bowl of milk chocolate clean last night after I finished making turtles. I could feel my thighs getting bigger while I stood here. Were they rubbing together tonight when I walked? I bet he was worried my rubbing thighs were going to start a spark.
Only you can prevent thigh fires. That Smokey the bear jerk only cared about the forest. Fuck the forest. My vagina could catch on fire because Carter thought I was fat.
"Shut your brain off. I wasn't going to tell you that you looked fat," he scolded.
I knew that.
"I was just going to say, I forgot to also mention that I will always tell you when your ass looks so fucking amazing that I want to wrap my hands around it every time you walk by."
I bit my bottom lip and smiled.
"Anything else?"
Yeah, I was fishing for compliments again. I just had a meltdown about a thigh inferno. I earned this.
"Yes," Carter answered after kissing me softly. "I will also always tell you when your legs look so long and sexy that all I can think about is having them wrapped around my waist."
He kissed my lips again.
"And I will always tell you when you are so beautiful that somebody better call God, because he's missing an angel."
"Awww did you just use a cheesy pick-up line on me?" I asked.
"I've been waiting to use that since I was fifteen," Carter said with a smile.
"Are you guys done yet? I just threw up in my mouth a little listening to this shit," Liz muttered from her seat on the other side of Carter.
"Well aren't you two just the cutest couple?"
I turned away from Carter when I heard the female voice behind me dripping with sarcasm.
"Tasha, what the fuck are you doing here?" Carter demanded as he stood up behind me.
Whoa, fucking whoa! Tasha? The ex? This was who Carter dated before he came here? Isn’t this just a pickle on the crap sandwich that is my life. Of course she had to look like a porn star. Miles of long blonde hair, bright blue eyes and a perfect complexion. Not to mention the tiniest waist known to man and the nicest set of boobs I’ve ever seen. They had to be fake. Real boobs weren’t that perfectly round. If I didn’t hate her on sight, I might have asked her if I could touch them. She looked familiar. She flipped her hair behind one shoulder and it suddenly came to me where I knew her from.
"Hey, you were at Jenny’s sex toy party a few weeks ago."
I felt Liz walk up next to me.
"Oh yeah, I remember her. Twat Face Tasha," Liz said with a smile as she crossed her arms in front of her.
Twatty huffed in irritation. "It was Tantalizing Tasha."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure it was Twat Face," Liz said, looking to me for confirmation.
I nodded in agreement.
"Oh it definitely was. She probably doesn't remember because we talked about it behind her back," I said with a shrug.
Before I knew it, Cunty was up in my face.
"Listen slut, just because you're Carter’s new flavor of the week doesn't make you anything special."
All hell broke loose then. Carter started yelling at Tasha, Tasha yelled at all of us and Liz pushed her away from me. I just stood there in the middle of the commotion in shock.
"That's enough Tasha," Carter said angrily. "Tell me what you want, or leave. You will not just show up here out of the blue and insult Claire."
She gave me another snide look before turning her g
aze back on Carter.
"Wow, it sure didn't take you long to find some little whore to dip your wick into did it?" Tasha asked Carter sarcastically.
Oh hell no! She did not just call me a whore.
I took a step towards her, my hands shaking with the urge to punch that smug look off of her face.
"That's pretty rich considering I heard you fucked your way through the phone book when you were with Carter. Your vagina is a giant gaping hole like the one the iceberg left on the titanic. It's a crime scene in your pants with hundreds of people screaming in horror and trying to jump the fuck off."
I didn't even know what I was saying at this point. I was just spouting nonsense because I was pissed. And it looked like I hit the nail on the head - or the vagina. Tasha charged me like a bull. Everyone moved at once. I moved out of the way, Carter, Liz and Jim all got in front of me and grabbed onto Tasha while she screamed about killing me. It turns out, porn star-slut-ex-girlfriends aren’t so pretty when they have tomato-red faces, spit flying out of their mouths and their limbs are flailing all over the place.
Carter finally managed to grab Tasha’s elbow and started pulling her with him over to the front door while she continued to yell insults and death threats at me. Carter made eye contact with me and mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ before he disappeared out the front door with the nut job.
I'm not gonna lie, I was a little freaked out. It felt like everyone in the place was looking at me. It was so loud in here, no one had any clue what had just happened, but it still unnerved me. I hated being the center of attention. And I hated how insecure I felt because right now, Carter was outside, alone, with his ex-girlfriend. Granted, she was obviously one window lick away from riding the short bus, but that knowledge did nothing to ease my mind.
I let one of the other waitresses know when she walked by that I was going to take a break for a few minutes. Liz pushed me down onto her barstool and Jim stood behind me rubbing my shoulders to try and ease the tension. Neither of them said much. I think they were waiting for me to have a mental breakdown or curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. I had never been in any kind of a fight before. I talked a good game but the first time someone came at me I ran the other way. One time in high school, Liz and I were walking through the mall and some crazy emo chick walked by us and slammed her shoulder into mine. Without thinking, I turned and shouted “Stop writing poetry and crying and watch where you’re going!”
She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around, along with the rest of her depressed, too-much black eye make-up posse. I quickly stuck the straw of my cherry slush in my mouth and pointed my thumb at Liz.
"What did we miss, kids?" Drew asked, coming up behind us a few minutes later with his arm around Jenny as the rest of us just stood there staring at the door where Carter had disappeared.
I turned around to face him and his shirt that said, "I shaved my balls for this?"
“Somebody just tried to kill me,” I told him in a horrified voice.
“What? Who?” Drew asked.
"Tasha." Liz said with disgust.
Jenny immediately looked guilty.
"Oh shit! She was here already? Claire, I'm so sorry. Tasha is all my fault.”
“What the hell are you talking about? You know that crazy bitch?” Liz asked.
“We went to college together and she called me a few weeks ago and said she'd be in town and wanted to get together. That's why she was at the sex toy party. She was only supposed to stay for that weekend but she decided to stick around longer. I had no idea she knew Carter until a little bit ago. She asked me if I knew Carter and said she was an old friend and wanted to say hi. It wasn’t until after I told her where you guys were going to be tonight that I remembered she used to date a guy named Carter. That's why we came up here. I really thought we’d get here before her so I could fix this. "
Drew removed his arm from around Jenny and turned to face me, jumping into action.
"Okay, Claire, here's what we need to do first. Do you know how to throw a punch?" Drew asked as he grabbed my arms and stared seriously into my eyes.
"What? No. What are you talking about? I'm not going to fight her," I said with a roll of my eyes.
"You don’t understand. I’ve known this freak for years. Did she threaten you?" Drew asked.
"Yeah, that cum dumpster said she'd kick Claire’s ass," Liz told him.
"Oh it's on now! It's on like Frogger!" Drew shouted in excitement.
"Don't you mean Donkey Kong?" Jim asked as he stood behind Liz and slid his arms around her waist.
"I never really liked Donkey Kong. So it was never on. Frogger just works better for me."
"Drew, nothing is going to be on. I have never been in a fight and I'm not going to start now. Carter took her outside and is hopefully telling her to go to hell. Problem solved," I said.
Drew looked at me in horror. "Claire, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation. Now, as much as I hate Tasha like a fire burning rash on my dick, she's still hot. And Claire, you're a total MILF."
I looked at him in confusion. "Drew, what the hell does this have to do with anything?"
"It's like you don't even know me Claire," Drew said sadly with a shake of his head.
He let go of my arms and stepped back, wiping an imaginary tear from under his eye.
"Jim, help me out here man. I'm too upset to continue."
Jim untangled his arms from Liz and took a step forward to pat Drew on the back.
"As Drew has pointed out Claire, you're hot. And while we all agree that Cray-Cray needs to be put in her place, unfortunately, she’s hot too. And you're both chicks with long hair. And we're in a restaurant that has approximately four different flavors of Jell-O in the back room," Jim explained seriously.
"Oh my God are you fucking kidding me?" Liz asked. "This is about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O?"
"Liz. It's ALWAYS about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O. Never, ever forget that," Drew said without any trace of humor in his voice. “Jell-O is delicious.”
Liz looked over at me. "You know, even though these two morons are speaking with their dicks right now, you should probably learn how to hit something. You know, just in case Carter can’t talk any sense into her. If she comes back in here, obviously we’ll all take her out, but what if she sneaks up on you when you’re unloading groceries from your car? Or jumps up from your backseat while you’re driving down the highway?" she asked.
“Oh my God, what is wrong with you?! This is not helping me AT ALL!” I screeched.
“Alright, that was probably an exaggeration. Besides, her tits are too big to squeeze down in the backseat of a car. You’d totally see her first,” Liz replied with a shrug. “And now, you can learn how to pop one of those implants without breaking a nail.”
This was really not happening was it? I didn't want to learn how to fight. I should have kept my mouth shut with the twat face giant vagina comments.
Drew turned to face me and put both of his hands up in the air with his palms facing out.
"Alright, strap on your brass balls and hit me," Drew said, widening his stance.
I stood there with my hands on my hips looking around at everyone. They all stood there waiting for me to punch Drew’s hands.
"This is the dumbest idea ever," I complained.
"Come on Claire, let 'er rip. Then you can go outside and tear her shit up like a Cyclops," Jenny said.
"Cyclops?" Jim asked.
"You know, that other name for like, a hurricane or tornado. Cyclops."
We all cocked our heads at her in confusion.
Drew sighed. "It's cyclone, baby."
I took that moment to wind back and punch Drew’s hand so I could take him by surprise. Drew looked at me in confusion while I bounced back and forth on my toes like a boxer. That felt good. That felt really good. I hit the shit out of his hand. Bring it on bitch!
"Claire, what th
e fuck was that?" Drew asked.
"Scared you didn't I? That was my fist of fury, BITCH!" I yelled.
Drew put his hands on his hips and stared at me.
"You have the punching power of a drunken baby. I hope you throw down your vagina harder than that. Otherwise, I feel bad for Carter’s penis."
"Why are we feeling bad for my penis?"
Carter came up behind me before I could tell Drew that my vagina and Carter’s penis were none of his business.
"So what's up, man? What the hell did Slut Bag McFuck Stick want?" Drew asked.
Carter sighed. "Oh just to tell me what a big mistake she made turning her vagina into a twenty-four hour seven-eleven. And how "you don't know what you got till it's gone."
"Wow, she quoted a Cinderella song. She's not afraid to bring out the big guns is she?" Liz asked.
Everyone was laughing and making a big joke about this, but it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny at all. That bitch wanted to kill me. Or at least punch me in the face. Did everyone forget about that fact already? She wanted to punch me. In the face. With her FIST.
"I hate to break up the fun, but Crazy Train wants to beat up my face."
Liz gave me a reassuring look.
"Calm down Long Duk Dong. You may punch like a grandma after drinking a forty-ounce, but remember Claire – you know how to take a punch. That's what's most important here right now," Liz said with a pat to my back.
I looked at her in confusion for a few seconds before I remembered what she was talking about - drunken Fight Club night last year.
"I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously.
"Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten-thousandth time. And while I’m all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Claire and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Claire and I started our own fight club in the living room," Liz explained.
"It was your idea, Liz. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker."
Jim started laughing as he remembered back to that night. It wasn't my finest hour. I punched even worse when I was drunk, barely even grazing Liz’s skin. She, however, could punch like a WWF wrestler on steroids.