Carter made some sort of choking, cough sound behind me.
"Can you say that again? Slowly, and with more details," he mumbled.
I laughed and smacked his arm at my waist.
"I'm being serious."
"So am I. You were naked when you did this correct? Tell me you were naked," he replied.
Baboon heart, truth. Baboon heart, truth…
"My neck is killing me and I'm so hot right now my skin could start a blanket fire," I rambled.
Carter was quiet. Too quiet.
Shit, I hurt his feelings.
"Oh, thank fucking God," he said as he pulled both of his arms out from around me. "My arm fell asleep and my legs were getting a cramp."
***
"The bugs got lotion when the dog tickled. Ha ha farmer!"
I had been lying in bed for a few minutes, watching the first light of dawn creep through the curtains. I had to slap my hand over my mouth when Carter started talking in his sleep.
Jesus, talk about "like father, like son." Obviously no one ever clued Carter in on his sleeping habits. Just the thought of some other woman sleeping in the same bed as him made me feel stabby so I pushed those thoughts away for the time being.
He was on his back with one arm flung above his head on the pillow and the other resting on top of his stomach. If I was in a porno, he would be naked under the sheet with his olympic-size penis sticking up, and I would be all slutty and pull the sheet down to blow him.
Bow-chica-wow-wow.
I wasn't slutty, and this wasn't a porno. But I had seen enough of them to sort of know what to do. I glanced at the clock on the night stand and figured I had at least an hour before Gavin would be up. I looked back at Carter’s peaceful face and remembered how it felt to have his mouth between my legs last night.
Okay, I could do this. He gave me two mind-blowing orgasms since I met him. Right now, I'm in the lead. Time to even things up a bit so I didn't feel so selfish.
I slowly reached over and tugged the sheet down his body until it pooled around his shins. Leaning up on my elbow, I used the tips of my fingers to gently pull the waistband of his boxer briefs away from his skin so I could peek inside.
Well, hello there, big guy.
Wow, I felt all sorts of slutty now. I wanted to lick his dick.
Heh, heh. That rhymed.
Focus!
I scooted my body closer to his and then eased my way down lower so my face was even with his waist. My elbow slipped a little on the sheet, making my fingers jerk away from his underwear so I could brace myself and not fall right on top of his sleeping form. The elastic snapped back against his skin and I stopped all movement and held my breath, staring at his face for any sign of waking up.
"Muffins in the basement," Carter mumbled in his sleep.
I glanced back between his legs and noticed that Sir Cums-a-lot was waking up. Huh, go figure. Dreaming about muffins turned him on. I should make muffins for breakfast. I wonder if Carter had any blueberries. You really couldn't beat fresh blueberry muffins but I guess if I...
Dammit! Why was it so hard for me to focus on the penis? Especially a really nice one like Carter’s.
Heh, hard penis!
I closed my eyes and channeled Jenna Jameson but without the nasty lip injections and black eye from Tito. As slowly as I could, I got up on all fours and straddled Carter’s legs. Without giving myself anymore time to think about muffins or porn stars, I dipped my head and nuzzled my nose against his length on the outside of his boxers.
Wow, he just got harder when I did that. Neat! I wanna see it grow.
Cha-cha-cha-chia!
Shit, no Chia Pet theme songs right before licking a dick.
I rested my elbows on the bed on either side of Carter’s hips, my ass sticking up in the air so I wouldn't touch his legs and disturb him. Ever so carefully, I pulled the elastic away from his skin and peeled it down over his erection.
I glanced quickly up at his face, satisfied that he was still asleep. Letting out the breath I had been holding, it skimmed over his penis since my mouth was about an inch away at this point. I watched him get incredibly harder and longer.
Seriously? My breath on him did that? Or is he still dreaming about muffins?
I shrugged to myself. I was not going to question the penis. It was great and powerful, like the Wizard of Oz. And right now, the Wizard wanted me to lick his yellow brick dick. I jutted my chin forward and placed my tongue against the base of him, right above the edge of his underwear that I still held onto. I slid my tongue up the length of him, completely amazed at how smooth and soft the skin was there. My tongue dipped into the little valley right below the head of his penis and I added some pressure with the tip of my tongue like I saw in "Beat the Heat."
Carter let out a little moan in his sleep and I smiled to myself.
I inched my body up a little further, letting my tongue glide up and over the head of his penis. I swirled it around the tip a few times then brought my lips down around the head and sucked it into my mouth.
Carter whimpered this time and I glanced up to see he still had his eyes closed.
Okay, this wasn't too bad. I could do this. I was a dirty cock sucker! Liz would be so proud.
That reminded me I needed to call Liz later and see if she wanted to help me make three-hundred chocolate penises for one of her parties this weekend.
I dipped my head a little lower and took more of Carter into my mouth, letting my tongue continue to swirl around the head. I tasted a bit wetness that leaked out of him and it was magically delicious, like Lucky Charms. But saltier. And without the leprechaun.
Green clovers, yellow horseshoes, pink penises!
I giggled a little when I thought that. I was giggling with Carter’s penis in my mouth. Thank God he was still sleeping. I don't think laughing at a man's penis would make him feel good.
I sucked harder on him and took him as far into my mouth as I could without gagging. Throwing up on his penis wouldn't be a good introduction into the world of blow jobs.
He was big and full in my mouth and I seriously couldn't believe this was happening right now and no one was witnessing it. I, Claire Morgan, had a penis in my mouth. There should be applause or pats on the back. Maybe I should have waited until Carter was awake for this. I bet he'd give me one of those slow golf claps like in the movies. Or at least say "way to go".
I slowly moved up and down his length, letting my wet lips glide over his smooth skin.
Carter’s hips jerked forward a little and he moaned again, making me completely giddy with power. Until I made one more pass up his length with my Hoover Mouth (Yes, I was changing its name to that of a vacuum cleaner. Don't judge me.) and I glanced up to see his eyes jerk open and his body completely freeze.
My lips were fastened around the head of his penis when he let out a yell.
"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY WIENER! IT HAPPENS TO EVERY GUY!"
His legs jerked out from under me, sending me sprawling backwards to the foot of the bed while I watched him scramble up to the headboard, covering the part of his penis sticking out of his underwear with both of his hands.
"Where's Gavin?" he asked, his eyes frantically searching around the room. “He doesn’t have a vagina.”
I lay there on my back at the end of the bed, propped up on my elbows, wondering what the fuck just happened.
"Um, I'm assuming he's still sleeping. And I'm guessing you are too," I replied.
“Where’s the farmer with the muffins?”
I extended one of my legs and shoved his thigh with my foot.
"CARTER!" I yelled. "Wake up!"
He finally looked at me then, his face scrunched up in confusion. He blinked rapidly and shook his head quickly like he was trying to jar things into place.
"I had another dream that you were giving me a blow job, just like the other morning when Gavin was in the living room watching me sleep. Damn, this one seemed so fucking real," he mutter
ed.
I had no idea what he was talking about right now.
His eyes still glanced worriedly around the room like he expected Gavin to jump out from under the bed or something and shout, "Surprise! I saw Mommy blowing you!"
He looked back at me again. "Why are you laying at the bottom of the bed?"
I sighed and then pushed myself up so I could move back to the top of the bed next to him. When I got up there, I leaned my back against the headboard and glanced down at his lap - where his hands were still crisscrossed over his penis that stuck out of the top of his underwear. He followed my line of sight, moved his hands quickly and yanked his underwear up to cover himself.
What a shame.
"Well, Carter, this time you weren't dreaming. My mouth was on your penis when you decided to start flailing about, yelling about your wiener and our son with a vagina."
The look on his face would have been hilarious if my mouth wasn't depressed from the loss of his penis in there. His penis should be allowed to have the Twizzler slogan, "Makes mouth happy."
"Oh my God. Tell me I didn't interrupt a blow job wake-up call. Say it isn't so and we can pretend I didn't just kick you off of my dick. I don't think my ego will recover from something like that."
I reached up and patted his cheek.
"Sorry, sweets, my mouth and lips were in fact all over your penis while you slept," I whispered.
He groaned.
"I have to say though, I'm a little surprised I never knew blow jobs included donkey kicks to the sternum."
He groaned again but this time in irritation.
"Shit! It's not my fault. Whenever I'm around you, even if I'm unconscious, my dick gets hard and I have dirty dreams about you. I thought I was having a repeat of the other morning and I freaked out."
He looked at me and pouted his lips.
"Pretty please, do it again?" he begged.
I laughed at how much he sounded like a child right now.
The door to the bedroom suddenly burst open and Gavin flew in the room, scrambled up onto the bed and in between the two of us.
"Morning, Mommy," Gavin said as he snuggled into my side.
Carter sighed, knowing there was no use in begging any more. He smiled though and watched me wrap Gavin in my arms and slide down the headboard to get under the covers.
Once we were situated, Gavin looked over his shoulder at Carter.
"Morning, crabby-daddy," he said, before turning back to face me and play with my hair.
I laughed at that one. Carter did look a little crabby.
He just shook his head and laughed right along with me.
Gavin's hand cupped my cheek and he looked seriously into my eyes.
"Hey, Mom," he said.
I squeezed him tighter and smiled.
"Yeah, baby."
"Lemme see your boobs," he said.
19. This Patient Needs an Enema, STAT
Her mouth was on my penis.
We were sitting on the couch after lunch and all I could do was stare at Claire’s mouth over top of Gavin's head.
This is wrong on so many levels.
But Jesus fuck, those red, plump lips were wrapped around my penis and I kicked her away. Sure, it was unconsciously but still... I punted her like a football off of my dick. That was like rule number one in sex. Never kick a girl away from your dick if she's got her mouth there. If her teeth were clamped down on it and she's whipping it around like a chew toy, that's another story.
I let out a big sigh and turned my attention back to the movie.
"What is this one called again?" I asked.
Gavin was curled up into my side with his feet on Claire’s lap.
"Finding Nemo," Gavin mumbled.
We watched the movie in silence for a few minutes and I felt like a kid again as I enjoyed the happenings on the screen. It had been a long while since I watched a cartoon.
"Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish's wife?" I blurted in shock.
"Yep," Gavin replied. "That big, mean fish ated her."
He said it so calmly - like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn't be appropriate for kids. I didn't think it was appropriate for me.
"Are you sure this is a kid's movie?" I asked Claire.
She laughed and just shook her head at me.
An hour later Gavin was asleep with his head on my lap and Claire was leaning in the opposite direction from me, her elbow on the arm of the couch and her head in her hand.
If I had to listen to Nemo calling for "Daddy" one more time, I was going to blubber like a baby. I snatched up the remote and turned the movie off.
Claire lifted her head off of her hand and gave me a questioning look.
"We need to put another movie in. This is too depressing. They killed off the poor fish's wife in the first five minutes and then we have to spend the rest of the movie watching that same, poor sap search for his son who ran away. What kind of sick fucks made this into a kid's movie?" I whispered angrily, trying not to wake Gavin up.
"Welcome to the Disney/Pixar School of Hard Knocks," she said dryly.
I laughed at her comparison.
"Oh come on. There's no way they're all like this. I do not remember being horrified by a children's movie when I was little."
"That's because you were a child. You didn't understand what was happening at the time, just like Gavin doesn't really understand. I think they make these kids movies more for adults anyway," she explained.
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Sorry, but I remember all of the great Disney classics and there is no way you can find anything nightmare-inducing in any of them."
She raised her eyebrow at me in a challenge.
"Okay fine. Bambi," I said.
She just laughed.
"Oh please! That's the easiest one. Bambi’s dad headed for the hills as soon as the stick turned pink. His mom was a single deer, living in low-rent housing in the crack-whore part of the forest where there are gangs of bunnies. His mom gets killed in a drive-by shooting, leaving Bambi alone and forced to grow up much too soon."
Damn. I forgot about that. It had been a while since I watched Bambi.
"Okay, fine. How about the Little Mermaid? Beautiful sea creature falls in love with the handsome prince."
Shut up. I had little cousins. And Ariel was hot. Men could spend hours looking at a hot mermaid and wonder just how in the hell he could stick it in her.
But seriously, how do mermaids bang?
Claire nodded her head, "Oh yes. Sweet Ariel who has to give up everything, including her identity, for a man. God forbid Prince Eric grows some gills. Nope, Ariel has to give up her friends, her family, her home and her entire life for him. Eric just takes and takes and never gives."
I racked my brain trying to think of another classic kid's movie and continued to contemplate the process of fucking a mermaid. Maybe you could just bend a mermaid over a chair and your dick magically finds the hold in the one-legged fin thing.
"Fine, then how about Beauty and the Beast? The most beautiful girl in all the land falls for the beast's personality instead of his looks. You can't find anything wrong with that. Plus, it teaches a great lesson."
I gave her a smug grin.
Maybe there was a magic button that made a mermaid's legs separate long enough to bang her. Ooooooh, like a magic nipple! Push the nipple and watch her spread.
"Wrong," she replied. "A pretty girl with no money falls for a rich, abusive monster. But she loves him so much that she makes excuses for the abuse. ‘Oh that bruise? I tripped down a flight of stairs.’"
She angled her body to face me.
"I could go on all day with these, believe me," she said. "You also can't forget the awesomeness that is the penis drawn on the original Little Mermaid VHS box cover and the whisper of, "Kids, take off your clothes," in Aladdin."
I looked at her in horror.
/> And I'm not gonna lie, I glanced down to her boobs and wondered what it would be like if she had a magic nipple. That would be some Nobel Peace Prize shit right there.
"From now on, Gavin only watches wholesome movies like "Anchorman" and "The Seed of Chucky," I told her. “And you're dressing up as Ariel for Halloween this year."
Claire just rolled her eyes at me, reached over to scoop Gavin off of my lap and then disappeared down the hall. A few minutes later, she was back and I watched her walk across the room to me. She straddled my lap and my hands went right to her hips to hold her in place while she slid her hands around my neck and tangled them in my hair.
"He should be out for a little while. Wanna mess around?" she asked with a giggle.
"Can I touch your boobs?" I asked hopefully.
It wasn't like I'd tell her no if she wouldn't let me play with the twins, but it was always good to set the ground rules ahead of time so there weren't any awkward foul plays.
She laughed and kissed the corner of my mouth.
"Yes, there will most definitely be boob touching," she said against my lips. "I'm not wearing a bra."
Easier access to the magic nipple.
"Sweet!" I cheered.
I swallowed her laugh with a kiss, taking my time while I explored every inch of her mouth. I had been in a state of semi-hardness since she walked in the room. Listening to her soft moans while I kissed her was enough to send me right into boner territory. My hands rubbed her ass and pulled her down so she nestled right onto my hard length that strained through my jeans. She slid her hips back and forth over me and I ran my hands up under the back of her shirt so I could feel here bare skin. My finger tips skimmed her spine all the way up and then back down, slowly, until I felt goose bumps break out over her skin.
Our tongues swirled together while I wrapped both of my arms around her body, underneath her shirt, so I could pull her right up against my chest. Her hips continued to move against me, and I felt like a teenager again, dry-humping on my parent's couch in the basement.
Except this time, Abby Miller’s braces wouldn't get stuck in my hair when she tried unsuccessfully to lick my ear lobe. And by lick, I meant drooled a gallon of spit in there until it sounded like I was swimming under water.