“What if I can’t get through the marshes this time?” I whispered, my eyes brimming with tears.
“This time?” Brendan asked.
“The girl led the others through the marshes after they had gotten lost,” the Watcher said. “A human can sometimes be useful this close to the Fade.”
I made a face. “But if Grim and Realtín stay here with Líle, how will they get home? How will we protect them?”
“Don’t worry about that,” the Watcher said. “I can get them back safely when they’re ready to move on. The way isn’t open all of the time, but she’ll be ready by the time the path opens again. Besides, I can show you all a different way back. This one’s not any safer, but it’s not through the marshes. The only problem is that it leads you close to the castle.”
“The ruins?” Drake asked. He glanced at Brendan. “We saw the ruins of a castle in the Darkside. It was hidden from the path, but when we passed the Hollows, we could see it clearly in the distance. It looks like someone has been using it. I think we should look into it when we get back.”
Brendan nodded. “Thank you for your help, Watcher. If there’s ever anything I can do…”
“Nothing you can help me with,” the Watcher said. “Are we agreed? The sprite and the brownie stay here with the woman until she’s ready to leave? They’ll be under my protection and back in your care before you know it.”
Grim looked at me pleadingly. I would be no use to Líle if I lost my mind, too. And if the Watcher could guarantee their safety, then maybe they were better off staying. I nodded, though still reluctant, and went outside to talk to Anya.
I found her on her way back to the house. “Grim and Realtín are staying.”
“I know,” she said softly, brushing the hair off my face. “They already told me. We agreed on it together.”
“Are you staying?”
She shook her head. “I’m staying with you. Líle wouldn’t want us all to hang around here anyway. Stop worrying, Cara. The Watcher said they’ll be safe with him, that he’ll get them home safely. And he’s showing us a way. We’ll be home before you know it.”
Everyone kept saying that, but I couldn’t make myself believe it.
She gave me a little push toward the house. “You should say goodbye to Líle. We’re leaving in the morning, but I think she should know as soon as possible.”
When I went upstairs, Líle was awake and eating some lunch.
“Hi,” she said softly. “I watched out of the window. They’re preparing to leave again.”
“In the morning.” I hesitated. “I have to go with them.”
She nodded, but she looked deflated.
“You’ll be safe,” I said. “Grim and Realtín are staying with you. The Watcher promised to bring the three of you back to us safely.”
“Grim and Realtín? Did you ask them to?”
“No. It was their idea. They care about you. They know they’re needed, and they know I want to stay.”
“But you can’t,” she whispered. “You’ve lost a lot of weight, Cara. I remember feeling scared for you, that you were fading away.”
“I promise not to do that. I’m stronger than I look. I’m not a frail human to be protected. You made me stronger. I’m so grateful to you for everything, Líle. I know you don’t like to get soppy, but you’ve become one of my best friends. I couldn’t have made it through any of the fae stuff without you. You’re nothing like the others, and you do it without even trying. I really need you to get better and come back to me.”
“It’s so strange,” she said. “I’m looking at you through two sets of eyes. One says you’re a stranger. The other says you’re important to me. I’m so confused all of the time, but I do have some memories of you. You helped make me free. It wasn’t as if Brendan treated me badly, but I wasn’t free to be my own person. I couldn’t follow the Mother, couldn’t say the things I really wanted to say. You came into our world and changed that. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how, but I hope you remember that I’m grateful to you above anything else.”
I hugged her, my eyes full again. “Jesus. Why the hell am I so emotional lately?”
She smiled, but she looked terrified.
“I’m not gone yet,” I said. “I’ll be with you until the morning, and you’re not going to forget me. You’re not going to forget yourself. If you even try, Realtín will be there, ready to pelt you with rotten fruit and to tie knots in your hair.”
Her laugh felt familiar, as though she would be okay. As soon as we were all back together in a safe place, everything would be fine again.
Chapter Twenty-One
In the morning, we had to say our goodbyes. I felt sick to my stomach as Dubh trotted away after the Watcher and his dog.
“You’ll see them again,” Brendan said. The riding arrangements hadn’t changed much, despite the extra horse, mostly because Brendan hadn’t wanted them to.
“Promise me,” I said. “Promise me you’ll make sure they get home.”
He hesitated for a second. “Their home isn’t with me anymore.”
I elbowed him in the gut. “Just promise, for fuck sake.”
“I will do my best,” he said. “If they don’t come back, I’ll send someone out.”
“And how will they make it through the marsh?”
“If you’re that worried, you and I will make the journey.”
That satisfied me for a while. I didn’t believe him, not really, but it felt like half a plan as opposed to none. The Watcher led us away from his cottage, away from the marshlands and the Hauntings. The ground was rocky and unstable.
Finally, he stopped. “Well, here we are.”
I looked around in confusion. There was nothing near but stone and moss.
The Watcher smiled, reached into a bunch of moss, and eased it back, revealing an underground tunnel that had been well camouflaged. “You’ll need torches most of the way.”
“How far is it?” Brendan asked.
The Watcher shrugged. “Far enough, I’d say. It’ll take you beneath the marshes, so ignore the way the tunnel changes there. There’s a cave midway. That makes it easier. The rest of the tunnel narrows, so don’t worry if it seems… small. This way is longer, and it’ll still be risky. When you get above ground, you’ll have a fair bit of travelling to do. You can pass through the Hollows again if you like, or you can aim south and find a tiny bridge that crosses the river. The Hollows might be safer, though. The ledges you’ll have to cross from the bridge to find a decent path are treacherous.”
“Promise you’ll send them home safely,” I said.
He patted Dubh. “You’ll see them again. Don’t you worry.” He handed me his torch and walked away.
“No point dawdling,” Brendan said.
He jerked on the reins, and Dubh took the first steps down into the tunnel. The others fell in behind us, as there was only room to ride single file. Brendan wrapped his arm tighter around my waist to keep me steady as the tunnel wound down into the earth.
“I wonder if we’ll see the castle,” I murmured.
“I wonder what state the realm is in,” Brendan said.
“It has two kings to deal with any trouble now, right?”
“And hopefully, the two kings will get along better than the twin queens did,” he said.
“You will. You’re friends now.”
“We shall see.”
“But you’ll try, too. Not just sit there and let things go wrong.”
He pulled down my hood and blew on the back of my neck. He tugged at some hair that had fallen out of my plait. “What happened to your hair?”
“Arlen cut it.”
“Arlen!” Brendan shouted. “Why did you cut Cara’s hair?”
“It needed a trim,” Arlen deadpanned.
Anya giggled. The sound made me brighten again.
“What did you do to my bodyguard?” Brendan whispered. “He just made a joke for the first time in his entire life.”
r /> “It’s not me. Maybe Anya’s good for him.”
Brendan sucked in a breath. “Perhaps you’re right.”
“If we go past it, we could show you the oblivion waters,” I said. “And the place the tunnellers almost got us. And—”
“Cara, I’m not sure I want to see every place you’ve almost died in since I was sent to the Fade.”
I kept forgetting that he had been through some stuff, too. “How was it this time in the Fade? Compared to before.”
“More… confusing. I wasn’t ready. Not that I was ready before, but I felt as though I wasn’t supposed to be there. It wasn’t the same as before.”
“And the priestesses?”
“Don’t get me started on them,” he growled. “I’ll tear down their bloody gardens and teach them what—”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I thought you wanted peace. That means leaving people to their faith. Who are you to stop people like—” I bit my lip. I had said too much again.
“People like who?” he asked.
“People who want to find peace in Brighid. Forget the priestesses. They helped us in the end. Don’t you see? You’re both safe, and I don’t have to feel guilty about either one of you anymore. They helped me. They saved my life and Drake’s, and we saved yours. It worked out. Can’t you just leave it?”
“I don’t think I can. You don’t understand the hate in my heart. This isn’t the only reason. It’s not just for me.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand you.”
He pulled me closer to him.
“Would you stop?” I said. “You’re acting like a total perve.”
“Allow me a little comfort.” The smile in his voice was obvious. “I’ve been through a traumatic experience. Shouldn’t you want to nurse me back to health?”
“No.”
“Anya sits on Arlen’s lap as they ride,” he said teasingly.
I turned my head to glare at him. “And Drake sits on the horse’s rump and holds on to the back of saddle so he doesn’t have to touch Sorcha.”
He arched his eyebrows. “Do you fear you won’t be able to resist me if you get too close?”
“Were you always this full of yourself?” I asked sweetly. “How did you make it so long before getting banished to the Fade? Maybe the third time will be the charm.”
He laughed, and the sound cheered me.
Soon, the tunnel darkened. The light kept flickering as if something were trying desperately to blow it out, but I couldn’t feel the draught. A shiver ran through me. Nobody else spoke. I couldn’t even hear the hooves of the other horses any longer. I glanced behind us, worrying, but I couldn’t see a thing.
“Tell me,” Brendan whispered. His voice sounded colder than before, crueler. “Has he charmed you again? Despite him leaving you to die, despite his lies and secrets, has he charmed you back into his bed? Has he made you forget your tears?”
I stiffened. “No! I haven’t… I haven’t done anything wrong, Brendan.”
“It wouldn’t be wrong here though, would it? We fae are mindless creatures after all. That’s what you said, isn’t it? That we’re all about the debauchery, never anything more.”
“Stop it, Brendan.”
The despair of the entire world felt as though it had just fallen on my shoulders. The light went out, leaving us in total darkness. I gasped and shrank back against him. He automatically held me close, the warmth from his arm the only thing stopping me from trembling.
“We’re under the Black Marsh,” I said. “Somehow, we’re under there. We must be deep.” I couldn’t see in the dark, but Dubh never faltered. If anything, his steps grew steadier.
Brendan pressed my back against his chest and inhaled deeply. “I like this not, Cara.”
“It’s okay. It made everyone miserable. That’s really what was wrong with Líle. We fell into the water, along with Anya. Something under there dragged us down. Líle was down the longest. She wasn’t breathing. When she woke up, she was… different. The despair was inside her. I know that sounds strange.”
“In this realm, nothing sounds strange.”
“Yeah, I think I’m starting to get that.”
“I’m sorry I said those words,” he murmured. “I don’t think badly of you.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “I think badly enough of myself.”
“Why?”
I felt compelled to talk—not in a fae-forcing-me way, more in a I-can-talk-to-this-faery-about-anything kind of way.
“I haven’t… I kissed him. And you were half right. He did charm me again. But so did you when he wasn’t around. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want…” I bit my lip.
“You want what?”
“Everything,” I said softly. “I want to stay. I want to go. I want my family and friends, but I want the fae in my life. I want… I want…”
“It’s all right,” he said. “It’s okay to want things, to not be sure.”
“But I’m hurting myself.” I sucked in a breath. “I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”
“You won’t. We’re fae, remember? We don’t have feelings.”
“Sometimes you fool me.”
The tunnel widened into a cave, and the pure blackness around us eased a little. The others caught up, all of them looking as disturbed as I felt. The rest of the journey was taken in silence. I had a lot to think about anyway.
“Is that sunlight?” Drake asked behind us after what seemed like an age.
Looking up, I saw a crack of light stream across the ceiling of the cave. We came to another tunnel, one that led up an incline. Halfway, the rock was so tight around us that it scraped against the fabric of Brendan’s clothes.
We came out into light, and it was as if we had shed some fear. The others began talking amongst themselves. Arlen rode up next to us so he could strike up a conversation with Brendan. Something about the sun burned the chill away. We moved down a lush slope surrounded by unfamiliar-looking trees that were barely taller than we were on our horses.
“Where are we?” I asked.
Arlen looked around, frowning. “At first, I thought it was the great forest, but it can’t be. Still, this place feels untouched by darkness. Almost… pure.”
“Dubh, stop.” I pulled on the reins. “Brendan, hold on to me.”
“What on earth are you doing?” he asked as I brought up my feet and stood on Dubh’s back.
I wanted to be taller to get our bearings. “I see the Hollows,” I said, pointing to the left. “It’s pretty far away. Do we have to go that way?”
“It’s best to head in that general direction,” Arlen said. “But we don’t have to cross them if we find another way. Can you see the river? Or the bridge the Watcher mentioned?”
“I can see a river that kind of looks more like an ocean,” I said. “No sign of a bridge, though, and the mountain range south of the river looks pretty fierce. That castle must be around here somewhere, but I can’t see it at all. Unless we’re on the wrong side, but that would mean…” I shook my head, squinting in the sun. “No matter what we do, we’re not getting out of the Darkside any time soon.”
Brendan helped me sit back down. “We can ride as far as we dare then find a place to camp.”
“The last time we tried to pass through the Hollows, they forced us to give up a sacrifice. They aren’t going to be fooled by Bekind twice,” Drake said.
“Then there’s another way,” Brendan said. “We’ll find the bridge. And if not, two kings will surely give them pause.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.” Nella sounded pleased with herself. She and Sorcha had frequently been in deep conversation back at the Watcher’s home. I still wondered what they were up to.
“We’ll head south,” he said. “If we see the bridge, we’ll try to cross it. If not, we’ll have no choice but to try the Hollows.”
We couldn’t go too fast because the horses were still tired and we might need them to gallop if we encountered anyth
ing strange. The rest of the day was one long slog. The heat kicked in again, and we hadn’t passed a clean source of water for a long time.
“The horses need water,” Dymphna said. “We must find something before dark.”
“We have to push them,” Brendan said. “We won’t find a thing in the dark.”
The forest was thick with prickly trees that seemed purposefully built to get in our way. By the time we found a spring of fresh water, we were all exhausted. Dymphna made a fire and cooked.
“I miss Grim,” I said glumly as we sat around the fire. Even with the fire and my cloak and the hot tea in my hands, I still shivered. The sweltering days turned into drastically cold nights.
“I miss regular baths,” Anya said. “I miss bubbles.”
“I miss my bed,” Arlen said. “My back is aching from sleeping on the ground.”
“I miss a roof over my head at night,” Drake said.
“I miss my throne,” Brendan said.
I rolled my eyes. “You win.”
He grinned. “Yes, I do.”
He persuaded Arlen to sing that night. I was surprised to find Arlen willing. Anya joined him, belting out a sweet harmony to back up his deep voice. I watched them closely, surprised by the affection in her eyes as she looked up at him. How had I not noticed that?
I settled down on my blankets alone. I didn’t have Grim or Realtín or Líle, and Anya was still up with the others. Bekind curled up next to me. I scratched behind her ears. “This doesn’t mean I’m not mad at you anymore,” I said. “I’m definitely still mad.”
She purred, rolled over, and rubbed her cheek against mine.
“I’m such a sucker,” I muttered.
***
The next morning, my roiling stomach woke me. I got up and stumbled out of the camp area. Behind a tree, I emptied my stomach then wiped my face with my sleeve.
I heard female voices coming from behind some other trees. I headed that way to see who was there. Dubh came from out of nowhere. He bit my sleeve and pulled me back to camp. When we returned, I saw that two of the horses were missing. The other horses were always tied. Confused, I counted the sleeping bundles of people. We were missing four, including Bekind. I drank from the spring and contemplated waking everyone, but I didn’t really think it mattered. I attempted to light the fire. Dubh stood behind me, snorting softly as if mocking me. When Bekind sprinted over to me, I ignored her. She batted at my hands and rolled onto her back.