you know what it’s like to live without him.”
“What if he doesn’t come back?” It was her newest fear. That he would stay in Colorado. That her words had killed whatever small spark they’d managed to reignite.
“I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’ll be back.”
Nathaniel walked back into the kitchen. “I talked with the police and then a company about setting up private security for the house. I had to leave a voice mail for Jeff, but I did have a call from Daniel.”
“Daniel?” Dena asked. “About me?”
“He can’t do the mentor session tomorrow and was wondering if you’d mind if Cole ran it sometime next week. He thought it might work better if Cole and Ron came here. You can use my playroom.”
“That sounds good. I wasn’t jumping up and down to head back to Wilmington anyway.” Not anymore, not since the phone call.
He slipped an arm around Abby’s waist. “You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want.” His cell phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket, nodding to Dena when he read the display. “Hello, Jeff.”
Dena held her breath and hoped Nathaniel would stay in the kitchen. She’d told Nathaniel she didn’t want to speak to Jeff, but just knowing he was on the phone made him seem so close, and she didn’t want to give that up.
“I was calling to let you know Dena received another phone call. Yes, just now, less than thirty minutes ago.” There was a pause as Nathaniel listened, head nodding. “I notified the local police and called a private security company.” He glanced her way. “She’s shaken up, but holding it together. This time, though, she thought she recognized the voice.”
Dena shivered just thinking about the mechanical laughter on the other end of her phone. The sound would echo in her sleep, and she was so glad she wasn’t alone in her apartment.
“That’s what I was thinking,” Nathaniel said to Jeff. “Probably work related.” More silence followed. “We know you want to be here, and we all understand why you’re not. How’s your father?”
It was probably eating him alive that he couldn’t be here, and she wondered, just for a minute, if they shouldn’t have told him. He had enough stress dealing with his father and his business. But just as quickly she realized she could never keep the truth from him.
“I’ll let you know if anything changes,” Nathaniel said, and then, looking at Dena, he added, “I will. I’ll protect her as one of my own.”
“What are you doing here, Dena?”
Cole had approached so quietly, she hadn’t heard him. She turned from the window in the Wests’ kitchen. The mentor session had ended twenty minutes earlier, and Cole had sent Ron back to Wilmington as soon as it was over. “Cole, hey. I didn’t hear you come in.”
He tilted his head toward the kitchen table and waited for her to sit down before taking his own seat.
On the surface, Cole was easy-going, but those in the community knew he was also a Dominant. And not just any Dominant, Dena thought, watching him sit down. He was called the Badass Brit by many submissives. Just never to his face. Dena didn’t know from personal experience; this was a case where his reputation preceded him.
“I came to get some water,” she answered, not understanding why he asked.
“I don’t mean here in the kitchen. I meant, why are you here in New York and not in Colorado?”
She sucked in a breath at hearing the words, and memories of Jeff flooded her mind. No one had—
“I know everyone else tiptoes around the subject,” Cole continued, undeterred by her obvious anguish or perhaps spurred on by it. “Or at least those who know of your history with Jeff. The both of you did a relatively good job at keeping your emotions hidden from everyone.”
They had, she would agree. Too good of a job.
“But frankly,” he said, “I’ve never been very good at tiptoeing around things, and I’ve never seen the point in pretending something is other than what it is. So, the question is: why are you here and not there?”
He was certainly bold; she’d give him that much. No one else had the nerve to ask her about Jeff. Still …
She raised an eyebrow at him. “And why do you think I want to discuss it with you?”
“I have no doubt that you don’t want to discuss it with anyone, but …” His expression grew slightly softer. Just slightly. If she hadn’t been watching him so closely, she’d have missed it. “The truth is, I do know something about running away from your past.”
Kate. His ex. Dena knew they’d been together forever, and now they weren’t.
“Sounds to me like you’re the last person I should talk to,” she said. “Why are you here and not there?”
His lips tightened. “It’s complicated.”
She snorted. “Hell, Cole, we’re all complicated. You think Jeff and I are simple?”
“I know there’s some history between you two.”
Against her will, she started to feel angry. “You know the problem with most Dominants? You guys think you know the answer to everything. You think you can fix anything. Well, guess what. You can’t fix this.”
“I never thought—”
“Yes, you did. You thought you could come up to me and give me a little talking-to and I’d go running to Colorado and fall gladly into Jeff’s arms like nothing happened.”
“I just wanted to give you something to think about.”
“There you go again. You think I haven’t thought about it? I don’t think about anything other than Jeff.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. After several seconds he said, “Very well. I’ll tell you about me. Kate and I were together eight years, and she was more than my submissive; she was my slave.”
He stopped for a moment, obviously knowing Dena needed time to process the information. She must have had a shocked look on her face, because the corner of his mouth lifted.
“Are you okay? Shall I continue?”
“Please,” she squeaked out, still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Cole and Kate had lived such a lifestyle. She’d met Kate once and never picked up on the fact the couple was Master and slave. Normally, she had a sixth sense about such things.
“There’s a certain type of intensity involved in a twenty-four/seven relationship. I’m not sure anyone who hasn’t lived it can fully understand. I was her Master in every way. She worked outside of the house and she went out with friends, but we both knew she belonged to me.” He looked at his hands, flexed his fists, and looked back up to her. “Do you know why Kate and I broke up?”
She shook her head.
“She wanted kids and I didn’t.”
“Oh. Wow.”
“We didn’t argue much, but when we did, it always came back to that. We tried to discuss it reasonably, but eventually she’d tell me I was being a selfish son of a bitch by not giving her a child, and I’d tell her to go to her room and write an essay on the problems with overpopulation.” He sighed. “One day I told her if she wanted a kid so badly, she could just find someone willing to give her one. She looked me straight in the eyes and said she would. She moved out that afternoon. I kept waiting for her to come back. She never did.”
His eyes held a pain his normal personality hid. It’d been close to six months since they had broken up, and he was still hiding the hurt. She wondered how long it would take for the pain to ease and knew there was no easy answer. Jeff had broken things off with her more than three years ago and her heart still hurt when she thought about him.
“Do you wish you could take it back?” she asked. “The things you said that day?”
He smiled. Just barely. “That’s a question I ask myself every day. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? Should I have done it differently?” He shook his head. “I don’t know.”
She had asked herself the same question after Jeff took his collar back. If she had it to do over, would she have moved out? Looking back with the knowledge she’d gained in the
years since, she didn’t think she would have. She liked to think that she would have stayed with Jeff, found a way to talk with him about her grief and guilt. If she had done that, they would probably still be together today.
She tilted her head. “You wouldn’t have changed your mind about having a baby, though, right?”
“No.” Cole’s sigh was a sad combination of grief and resolution. “No. I wouldn’t have changed my mind. I’m not having children. I just think maybe I could have handled it better.”
“I miscarried four years ago.” She made the confession before she could think about what she was going to say and change her mind. “Jeff and I got pregnant unexpectedly and the baby died at nineteen weeks.”
His eyes widened, and he looked like she’d knocked the wind out of him. “Damn, Dena. I’m sorry. Here I am talking about not wanting a child and you lost one.”
“No. It’s okay. I only brought it up because it was after that that Jeff and I got in trouble and ended up splitting up. When I think about it now, I wish I had handled it better. Differently.”
He nodded. “Sad to live a life filled with regrets.”
“Yes, but don’t you see? There were two people in the relationship. It didn’t just fall apart because of something you did. And if you can think of things you would have done differently, I’m sure Kate can, too.”
“I’m sure of it, but that doesn’t change the fact that children aren’t an area you can compromise on.” He snorted as if remembering something. “And though I’m somewhat of a—what’s the word? Oh, yes: ‘badass.’ Even though I’m a badass in the playroom, I’d like to think I’m a reasonable man otherwise.”
They caught each other’s gaze, and for a few seconds the room hummed with anticipation. Dena gave him a once-over. He was undoubtedly a breathtakingly handsome man. His dark brown hair was just long enough to curl slightly at his collar. His eyes were a deep bluish green that could change from warm to cold and unyielding in seconds. But it was the sculpted cheekbones and angular jaw that set apart his face and made him look so uniquely handsome.
His lips curled into a seductive smile, and she realized he’d been appraising her, too.
“Why have we never played together, Dena?” His voice was a promise of pleasure and sin that wrapped her in a warmth she’d never thought she’d feel again.
“Seriously?” She was surprised at how husky her laugh sounded.
He took her hand. She didn’t stop him. “The playroom is empty and I have all afternoon. Would you like to join me there?” His thumb stroked her palm. “I can give you pleasure, Dena. Allow you to forget for a while.”
His words made her shiver. She bet he could, and she let herself imagine it. He would be tough and demanding, probably more so than Jeff. Cole promised an afternoon of sexual delights with no strings. She was so tempted.
“I don’t know,” she confessed.
He stroked her cheek with his knuckles and she leaned in to his touch. “When was the last time you played? And not in a training scene.”
“Almost two weeks ago. With Jeff. You?” She wouldn’t allow him to hide; if he demanded truth from her, he could offer the same.
“There were several willing submissives in India.”
Of course there were. She was willing to bet he rarely had an empty bed if he wanted company. Unlike her bed, which was perpetually empty.
He was a knowledgeable and experienced Dominant, one who promised a few hours of stolen pleasure. His touch would be nothing like the mentees she worked with under Daniel’s supervision. Maybe an hour or two with Cole was exactly what she needed.
Telling herself she wasn’t going to think too much about it, she stood up and dropped to her knees beside his chair. She closed her eyes when he stroked her hair. The touch brought to mind faint echoes of Jeff. Cole’s hand was rougher, but with her eyes closed, it might be easy enough to pretend.
“What are your limits?”
“Master Covington has a copy of my checklist in his office.”
The hand in her hair tightened. “I didn’t ask for your checklist, sub. I asked what your limits are. And I expect to be addressed as ‘Sir.’”
She nearly groaned. Yes. This was what she needed. His response was similar to what Jeff’s would have been. “Sorry, Sir. Blood play, breath play, knives, body fluids, and fisting are hard limits.”
“Noted. I’ll discipline you for those two trespasses once we make it into the playroom. What’s your safe word?”
“Win—”
She froze.
When she played with Jeff, they used “wings.” Whenever she played with someone else, she used “red.” That she almost gave Cole “wings” as her safe word stunned her. She looked up at him in shock.
“Dena?” he asked with a puzzled look on his face.
He wasn’t Jeff. He never would be. No one would be.
Not even with her eyes closed.
She shook her head and stood. “I’m sorry, Sir. I can’t.”
Cole didn’t say anything.
“It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us,” she said. “We both know if we went into that playroom, it wouldn’t be just the two of us. There’d be four people present.” As much as she had imagined him to be Jeff, she knew there was a good chance he pictured Kate in her place. “We deserve better.”
He sat and thought for a long moment. “You do at least,” he finally said, then looked at her with a serious expression. “Do me a favor and ask yourself one last time why you’re here and then think about whether that reason is worth what you’re giving up.”
“Sir?”
He stood. “You’re living with a ghost. Either bury it once and for all, or banish it by fighting for the real thing.”
A week after her talk with Cole, Julie and Sasha came to visit her at the Wests’ estate. Abby welcomed them inside. Nathaniel took one look at the group of women gathering in his kitchen and told Abby he was taking the kids out for ice cream.
As much fun as it was to sit, drink wine, and gossip with her friends, Dena found that Cole’s words from the week before refused to leave her alone. They had run through her head nearly nonstop. They taunted her at work. And at night they echoed in her empty room, keeping her from sleep.
She’d thought she’d done the right thing by letting Jeff go. She’d given him up so that he could take the business over from his father. She told herself it would have been selfish to ask him to stay. If she thought about it enough, she could almost convince herself it was noble of her to sacrifice him like that.
During the day when she was busy, she could convince herself she’d made the right choice. But at night, when there was only herself to listen, she knew better. The truth was, Cole was right; she had let Jeff go because living with his ghost was easier than facing her fears and fighting for the man.
It was useless to try to keep her thoughts hidden from her friends. They were always able to see through her.
Julie raised an eyebrow at her. “You’re awfully quiet today. It’s not like you.”
“Just a lot to think about.” She had told her friends about the call she’d received and how the voice sounded familiar.
“Have you figured out who you thought it sounded like?” Sasha asked.
“No.” She hadn’t, which was irritating. “I keep thinking if I try harder, I’ll know. But no luck so far. And I feel so guilty. I know Jeff’s working on it, and he shouldn’t be. He needs to be with his dad.”
“It’ll come,” Abby said; then, as if sensing Dena didn’t want to talk about it, she looked to Julie. “How’s Daniel’s grandmother?”
“Doing much better, thanks. He’ll be able to do the next session with Ron.” She laughed. “Just as well. I think Cole scared him.”
“Probably good for him.” Dena knew she should talk about it, and this was her chance. “Speaking of Cole, I had an interesting conversation with him the other day.”
“Oh?” Julie poured herself more wine. “He’s c
ertainly an interesting guy.”
“I can’t imagine talking with him,” Sasha said. “He seems so … different. But in a hot way.”
Julie shook her head. “He’s a nice guy. Out of the playroom, that is. I can’t imagine submitting to him.”
“I almost did,” Dena quietly admitted.
Her three friends stared at her in shock and spoke at the same time.
“You did?”
“What about Jeff?”
“No way.”
Dena nodded. “After the mentoring session we did together, after Ron left, Cole found me in the kitchen and we just started