The day after the decision was made, Daisuke had his hair trimmed and his beard shaved for the first time in many days. During the first two or three days of the rainy season, it had rained in torrents, so that now, all that was dustlike had settled quietly on the earth and on the branches of trees. The sun’s color was paler than it had been. The rays that fell from the rifts in the clouds were softened, as if they had lost half their reflective power because of the dampness of the earth. Looking at himself in the barbershop mirror, Daisuke stroked his cheeks, as plump as ever, and thought that today, he was embarking on a positive existence at last.
When he arrived in Aoyama, he found two rickshas parked at the entrance. One driver, waiting for his mate, had fallen asleep leaning against the running board and did not notice Daisuke as he went by. In the living room Umeko sat with a newspaper in her lap, staring absently at the crowded green in the garden. She too seemed drowsy. Daisuke abruptly sat down in front of her.
“Is Father home?”
Before she would reply, Umeko studied Daisuke’s appearance with the air of an inspector. “Dai-san, haven’t you lost a little weight?”
“No, I don’t think so,” he replied.
“But your color isn’t good.” Umeko drew her eyes together and peered into Daisuke’s face.
“It’s because of the garden. I’m just getting the reflection from all the green.” He looked out at the thick growth in the garden and added, “That’s why you look pale, too.”
“I haven’t been feeling well for the past two or three days.”
“No wonder you look so blank. Is something the matter? Do you have a cold?”
“I don’t know what it is but I keep yawning all the time.”
With these words Umeko let the newspaper slide from her lap and clapped for the maid. Daisuke inquired once more as to his father’s whereabouts. Umeko had already forgotten the question. It turned out that the rickshas at the entrance had brought their father guests. Daisuke thought he would wait until they had left if it would not be too long. His sister-in-law got up, saying she wanted to splash water on her face to clear her head. The maid brought in a deep dish of fragrant arrowroot rolls. Daisuke dangled one of the sweets by the tail and sniffed at it.
When Umeko returned, looking refreshed, Daisuke was swinging the roll like a pendulum. This time, he asked, “How has Seigo been?”
Umeko, as if she felt unobliged to answer such a trite question immediately, stood for some time on the verandah gazing at the garden; then she observed, “See how the color of the moss has come out with the rain.” With this uncharacteristic remark, she returned to her original seat and shot back, “What about your brother?”
When Daisuke repeated his question, she answered quite carelessly, “How is he? Well, he is as he always is, of course.”
“Does he still stay out all the time?”
“Yes, yes, day and night, he’s hardly ever home.” “Don’t you get lonely then?”
“Why should you bother to ask a thing like that now?” Umeko began to laugh. Whether it was because she thought Daisuke was teasing her, or that it was all much too childish, Umeko hardly took notice of him. Daisuke, for his part, when he reflected on his usual self, was rather surprised that he had put such a question seriously. For all the years he had been witnessing his brother’s and sister-in-law’s relationship, he had never noticed this point. Nor had Umeko ever behaved so as to suggest to Daisuke that she found anything wanting.
“I wonder if that’s how most couples get along,” he said as if to himself; since he did not particularly expect an answer from Umeko, he did not even look at her but let his eye fall to the newspaper on the floor.
Then Umeko responded sharply, “What did you say?”
When Daisuke’s eyes, startled by her voice, directed themselves at her, she said, “So, when you have a wife, why don’t you stay home all the time and lavish affection on her?”
Then Daisuke realized for the first time that he was with Umeko and that he was not his usual self. He made an effort to assume his normal manner.
But his mind continued to dwell on the refusal of the proposed match and the relationship with Michiyo that was sure to ensue. Therefore, in spite of his resolve to return to his normal self and chat with Umeko, strange notes, unexpected to her, kept straying into the conversation without his notice.
Finally, Umeko said, “Dai-san, something’s wrong with you today.” Daisuke had on hand any number of ways to deflect his sister-in-law’s words so as to avoid having to give a direct response. Today, however, he was reluctant to employ them—they seemed both hypocritical and bothersome. So instead, he implored rather earnestly that she tell him in what way he was strange. His question was so silly that Umeko gave him an odd look. But Daisuke only grew more insistent, so with the preface that in that case, she would, she began listing examples of the ways in which he was strange. Daisuke assumed that Umeko was deliberately pretending to be serious.
Eventually, she came out with, “And when you say things like ‘with my brother out all the time, you must be lonely’—well, that’s too thoughtful.”
There Daisuke interposed, “No, you see, there’s a woman I know who is in that position, and she seems so unhappy that I just felt like asking another woman how she felt. I didn’t mean to make fun of you in any way.”
“Is that true? Who is this person?” “I can’t really tell you her name.”
“Then why don’t you talk to her husband and tell him to pay more attention to her.”
Daisuke smiled. “You think so too?” “Why, of course.”
“What if the husband won’t listen to me?”
“Well, then that can’t be helped.” “You’d just leave them alone?” “What else is there to do?”
“Does that woman still have to fulfill her wifely duties?”
“You really try to push with logic, don’t you? Well, I suppose that would also depend on the degree of the husband’s unkindness.”
“What if there’s someone the wife likes?”
“I don’t know. How foolish. If there’s someone she likes, why doesn’t she go there in the first place?”
Daisuke fell into silent thought. Presently, he said, “Umeko-san.” Startled by the depth of his tone, Umeko looked at his face anew. Daisuke continued in the same tone. “I’m going to refuse this match.’’
The hand that held the cigarette trembled slightly. Umeko, on the other hand, heard his words with a face drained of expression. Daisuke proceeded, unmindful of her manner. “I’ve caused you a great deal of trouble over this business of marriage, and now I’m making you worry over this match. As you say, I am thirty now and should be willing to go along with your recommendations at a reasonable point. But I have some thoughts on the matter, and I would like to refuse this match as well. I am sorry about my father and brother, but it can’t be helped. It isn’t that the woman in question doesn’t suit me, but I’m going to refuse. The other day, Father told me to think it over carefully and I have, but it still seems better to refuse, so that’s why I’m going to say no. To tell you the truth, that’s why I came over today, to see Father about this, but he seems to be busy with company. I shouldn’t say incidentally, but I’ve taken advantage of this opportunity to tell you about it too.”
Because Daisuke’s manner was serious, Umeko heard him out without her usual frivolous interruptions, but when he was finished, she expressed her own views. Her words were extremely simple, brief, and to the point. “But Father will be troubled.’’
“I will tell Father myself so you don’t have to worry.’’ “But the talks have come so far.”
“No matter how far they may have come, I’ve never once said that I would marry her.”
“But you’ve never clearly said you wouldn’t.”
“That’s what I came here
for today.”
Then Daisuke and Umeko, sitting face to face, fell silent. Daisuke felt that he had said all that needed to be said to Umeko. Umeko had many things to say and many to ask, but her lips could not form the words to logically connect these thoughts with what had preceded.
Finally, she said, “I don’t know myself how far the talks have advanced without your knowledge, but no one expects you to refuse so flatly at this point.”
“Why is that?” Daisuke’s tone was coldly composed. Umeko frowned. “Why? But it isn’t a question of logic.” “It doesn’t matter if it isn’t logical; please tell me why.”
“If you’re going to refuse as many times as you have, it doesn’t make any difference in the end, does it?” she explained. But her meaning was not immediately clear to Daisuke. He lifted uncomprehending eyes at her.
Umeko began to expand on her true meaning. “In other words, even you plan to get married some day, don’t you? Even if you don’t want to, it can’t be helped. If you keep on being so selfish, it just causes Father problems. And so, well, no matter whom we find, she wouldn’t suit you, so what I want to say is that it really doesn’t make any difference whom you marry. No matter whom we show you, it doesn’t do any good. There’s not a single person alive in this world who would suit you. That’s why you should just accept that a wife isn’t meant to be pleasing in the first place, and get married—what other choice is there? If you’d just quietly marry the one we think is best, then everything would be nicely settled—true, maybe Father isn’t consulting you on everything this time. But from his point of view, that’s only natural. If he didn’t do it this way, he’d never live to see your bride’s face.”
Daisuke listened patiently to his sister-in-law’s words. Even when they came to an end, he would not open his mouth readily. He thought that if he were to refute her statements, things would only become more complicated, and his meaning would never penetrate Umeko’s ear. Still, he had no intention of agreeing with her argument. He believed that practically speaking, to do so would only put both of them in a difficult situation. So he turned to his sister-in-law and said, “I understand your point, but I have my thoughts, too, so please leave me alone.” His tone naturally betrayed the feeling that he found Umeko’s interference bothersome.
But Umeko would not stay silent. “Of course, Dai-san, since you aren’t a child, it’s only natural that you should have some serious ideas of your own. I’m sure that unasked for advice from someone like me is only a nuisance to you, so I won’t say any more. But try putting yourself in Father’s place. Every month he gives you as much as you say you need, so that means you’re even more of a dependent than in your student days. You’re willing to take his help just as before, but now that you’re grown up, you’re not willing to listen to him—how can you expect anyone to accept that?”
Umeko’s tone was becoming heated and she was about to pour out more words when Daisuke cut in, “But if I had a wife, I’d have to depend on Father even more, wouldn’t I.”
“But that’s fine, since Father says he’d like it that way.”
“Then Father’s determined to have me get married, even if it’s to a woman who doesn’t suit me at all?”
“lt’d be one thing if there were a woman to your liking, but we couldn’t find one like that if we walked all over Japan.”
“How do you know?”
Umeko turned a steadfast gaze upon Daisuke. Then she said, “You talk like a lawyer, don’t you.”
Daisuke drew his pale forehead toward his sister-in-law. “Umekosan, there is a woman I like,” he said in a low voice.
There were many times in the past when Daisuke had made such confessions in jest to Umeko. At first, Umeko had taken him seriously. There had even been comical instances when she had gone behind his back to probe into the matter. Once she had learned the truth, Daisuke’s woman-that-I-like had no effect on her whatsoever. If Daisuke tried to use it, Umeko would take no notice. Or else she would tease him. Daisuke had been perfectly satisfied with that. But this case was unlike all the others. His facial expression, his eyes, the power concentrated in the depths of his low voice, everything that had preceded and brought him to this point—all of these things could not but startle Umeko. Daisuke’s few words fell on her like a gleaming dagger.
Daisuke took his watch from his obi. His father’s guests seemed unlikely to leave soon. The sky was beginning to cloud over again. He thought it would be wiser to withdraw for now and come back another time to settle the matter. He started to rise, saying “I’ll come again. I think it would be better to see Father another time.” In that space of time Umeko recovered herself. Being of a nature that sincerely insisted upon taking care of others to the end, she was not a woman to abandon things midstream. She all but held Daisuke back and asked the woman’s name. Daisuke of course would not answer. Umeko insisted. Daisuke still would not accede. Then Umeko began to ask why he didn’t marry the woman. Daisuke replied simply that he didn’t because he couldn’t. In the end, Umeko began to weep. He had thwarted her efforts to help him, she accused. Why hadn’t he confided in her from the start, she reproached. Then all of a sudden, she became sympathetic—she felt sorr y for him, she said. Still Daisuke would say nothing about Michiyo. Umeko finally gave in. As he was leaving, Umeko asked, “Then you’re going to tell Father about it yourself? I suppose it would be better if I said nothing?”
Daisuke himself could not tell whether it would be better for her to be silent or for her to say something on his behalf. “Well,” he hesitated, then continued, “I’m going to say no anyway, so . . .” and looked at his sister-in-law’s face.
“Then if it seems better to say something, I’ll speak to him. But if it doesn’t look promising, I won’t say anything and you can tell him everything from the beginning, that would be better,” said Umeko kindly.
“I’ll leave it to your judgment,” Daisuke said and stepped outside. When he came to the corner, he took the Shiochō streetcar on purpose, thinking he would walk from Yotsuya. As he passed the military parade grounds, the heavy clouds in the west parted and the setting sun—an unusual sight in the rainy season—cast scarlet rays over the wide field. They fell on the wheels of a ricksha moving in the distance, so that each time the wheels turned, they gleamed like steel. The ricksha looked small in the middle of the distant field; the field was wide enough to make it look small. The sun’s rays were garish, like blood. As he watched the scene from an angle, Daisuke was swept away by the train that tore through the air. His heavy head felt giddy.
By the time he got to the terminal, whether it was because his mind had attacked his body, or because his body had attacked his mind, he felt an unpleasant sensation that made him anxious to get off as quickly as possible. The umbrella he had carried in case of rain now served as a cane as he dragged it along.
As he walked, he murmured inwardly that today, he had of his own accord as good as destroyed half his life. Up to now, with his father and sister-in-law, he had gently pushed his way at moderate intervals. This time, he would have to reveal his true self or not get his way at all. At the same time, there was little hope of gaining the satisfactory results he had attained before. There was, however, still room for him to retreat. But to do that he would unquestionably have to deceive his father. Daisuke inwardly sneered at his past. He wanted desperately to recognize that with today’s confession he had destroyed half his life, and on the strength of that shock, to throw himself before Michiyo and appeal to her with all his passion.
He wanted to prepare his own position so that the next time he saw his father, he would not be able to take a single step back. Therefore, he was deeply fearful of being called before he could have another meeting with Michiyo. He regretted having told his sister-in-law to use her discretion in conveying his intentions to his father. If she should tell him tonight, he might even be called tomorrow morning. In that case he
would have to see Michiyo tonight and declare himself. But since it was night he decided it would be inconvenient.
When he came to the bottom of Tsunokami, the sun was about to set. From the military academy he walked straight toward the moat, and after two or three blocks, when he should have turned to Sadaharachō, Daisuke deliberately followed the streetcar tracks. He could not bear to go home as usual and pass the night idly in his study. Across the moat, upon the high banks, the pine trees formed a black line as far as the eye could reach, and at their base the streetcars passed to and fro. Daisuke derived a measure of gaiety from seeing the rapidity with which the small, light boxes slid effortlessly over the rails, to and fro. On the other hand, the Outer-moat Line that ran relentlessly along the same tracks he was following seemed noisier and more hateful than usual. By the time he arrived at Ushigomemitsuke, he could detect a few flickering lights in the distant woods of Koishikawa. Without a thought of eating dinner, Daisuke began walking in Michiyo’s direction.
Some twenty minutes later, he climbed Andōzaka and came out before the burnt ruins of Dentsūin. He went beneath the tall trees that spread their branches on either side and turned left to come out by Hiraoka’s house. A light glimmered through the wooden wall as usual. Daisuke pressed himself against the wall and strained his ears. For a while, there was not a single sound; all was quiet within the house. Daisuke thought of entering the gate and calling from outside the grating. But just at that moment, someone slapped his shins near the verandah. Then that person seemed to get up and walk inside. Presently, people could be heard talking. It was hard to make out what they said, but the voices were unmistakably those of Hiraoka and Michiyo. The conversation died out in a while. Then footsteps approached the verandah again and with a resounding thump, someone sat down. Daisuke withdrew from the wall. He began to walk in the opposite direction from which he had just come.