“You’re in a war.”
It was a painfully accurate way to describe her state. “I am.”
“I understand that. There are battles, some greater than others. But they are worth getting through.” He held her tighter. “This is the fight, Celeste. You’re in the middle of it. I feel that.”
“Because you have endured your own?”
“Yes. I got through mine, and you will get through yours.”
QUITE BEGUILED
CELESTE COULD STAY wrapped in Justin’s arms forever, but eventually he pulled back a bit and lifted her face to his. “You ready to go?”
“You still want to take me out?”
“I want to take you out more now.”
“Because you feel sorry for me that I have a dead brother and formerly crazy parents?”
He laughed. “No. Because I like that you shared something with me. I feel closer to you. Don’t you feel closer to me?”
Celeste studied his face. “You often surprise me with your candor.”
Justin shrugged. “I spent a few years in therapy. I learned that I like being truthful.”
“I, too, have been in therapy. It was helpful in many ways, but it did not change who I am at the core.”
“That’s a relief.” Justin jostled her shoulders and then slid one arm behind her neck. “Let’s go to dinner, and you can tell me about it.”
She stopped them at the top of the stairs. “Justin? Thank you for being so kind to me, tonight and all of the times we have communicated. Quite often my experiences with being myself have resulted in rejection by others. I have tried to change who I am so that the average person will accept me, but that has not met with much success.”
“Did that red hair and bodysuit thing have anything to do with that?”
“Perhaps. And perhaps, I will also tell you about that over dinner.” She led the way downstairs, and even though the stairs creaked like crazy, she did not miss the sound of Matt scrambling off the lower risers into the dining room.
“IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!” he half-sang, half-shouted. “If Christmas looks like mangled paper and shredded ribbons.”
“Matty?” Celeste stepped through the archway to where Matt was poised over a mound of crumpled snowman paper.
“Oh, hey, didn’t see you there.”
“You are not a good actor, Matthew, but I appreciate your effort to act as though I did not treat you atrociously earlier tonight.”
“What? Nah, don’t worry about. What you should worry about is whether or not I go insane and hurl all of this gift-wrapping nonsense into the fireplace.”
Celeste walked to her brother. “Matthew.”
“Fine, fine, I won’t burn it all. I’ll save the roll that has the naked Mrs. Clauses.”
“That is Dad’s favorite.” She touched Matt’s arm. “I should not have yelled at you the way I did. You were trying to help.”
Matt refused to look at her and continued to fuss with trying to curl a ribbon. “I didn’t do a good job, did I?”
“That was not your fault,” she said.
“He made you feel better, though? That’s all that matters.”
“This is not a competition.”
“I didn’t say it was.”
“No, you did not. But you sound flippant. Please stop making unsuccessful ribbon curls and listen to me, Matty.”
He dropped the scissors loudly. “What?”
“I’m sorry.”
He softened his voice. “It’s okay. I’m just in a bad mood. It’s not you. I really am glad that you feel better.” Matt stepped back from the table and looked at Justin. “You two going out for dinner?”
Justin nodded. “Sushi. I hear your sister has never tried it.”
Matt crossed his arms and smiled. “I’m liking you more and more. Which restaurant?”
“Fugaku on Beacon Street in Brookline. Have you been there?”
“I have. That’s a great place. Make her get the clam. Or octopus. Don’t go easy on her.”
Justin raised his eyebrows. “I don’t know; I may have already pushed her enough for one day.”
Celeste was trying to interpret how Matt was looking at Justin. Whatever that look meant, he still stepped forward, put a hand on Celeste’s shoulder, and turned to Justin. “Okay, then. Well, go have fun. Mom and Dad know you’ll be out?”
“Yes,” Celeste said. “And I have my phone. Would you turn off my computer for me? I believe that I left it on.”
“Yes, your highness.” Then, in what Celeste felt to be a very sweet move, Matt reached out to shake Justin’s hand. “Good to see you, Justin.”
Justin nodded. “You too. I’ll have her home by midnight.”
“Or eleven-thirty.” Matt said.
Celeste put her arm through Justin’s and steered them to the front hall for her coat. “Or midnight. Good night, Matty. I love you.”
“Girls… They’re impossible. Always pushing limits.” Matt’s voice followed them as they went out the front door. “Be nice, or I’ll return the Hello Kitty purse that I bought you for Christmas.”
When she was buckled into the front seat, Justin pulled the car out of the driveway. She could see Matt through the living room window. He raised his hand in a small wave, and she felt a striking pang of emotion. Celeste waved back at her brother.
He looked so terribly alone tonight. But maybe that was just her interpretation because she had been brusque with him. She would have to apologize again for that. It did seem to Celeste, however, that Matthew was not as happy as he had been when he was with Julie. Celeste missed them as a couple probably as much as Matt did.
“You lost in thought there?”
“Huh? Oh. Yes, I believe I was. I was just thinking about Matt.” She turned to Justin. “I do believe he likes you.”
“You surprised?”
“A bit. Not because of who you are, but because I don’t think Matt develops fondness for people easily.”
“Then I’m especially glad that I passed his filters.” He turned on the wipers to brush away the light snow. “Maybe you’ll come over and meet my parents? They’ll worship you; I already know that.”
“How could you know that?”
“Because some things you just know.”
“Yes. I think you are right about that. Some things you do just know. I would be pleased to meet them.”
“New Year’s Eve, maybe? They always do a fun cocktail party at their house. You could bring your family, too, if you want.”
“You have not arranged to spend that holiday with friends from home? I was under the impression that college students who returned home for vacations were interested in reconnecting with high school friends.”
“Well, to be honest, I didn’t have that many friends in high school. There’s not really anyone who I want to see.”
“But you have good friends at Barton?”
“Yeah. My roommate, Kevin, is awesome. Despite the poor introduction from my texts, you’d love him and Michelle.”
Celeste was not sure they would love her, but Justin had good intentions.
“You ready for your first sushi?”
She nodded. “Given that this is a night of firsts, I feel it fitting. I will be brave.”
“You’ve already been brave.”
She leaned back in her seat and gazed at the boy next to her. “I have a question for you.”
“Sure.”
“You have spoken very forthrightly about your struggles with distractibility. How you are easily scattered.”
“Yes.”
“But tonight, upstairs with me, you were very focused,” She paused. “On me.”
He smiled. “Important things can ground me. People who matter can ground me. It’s, like, I get jarred into clarity. Some of the endless static in my head quiets. It’s not as though I can never pay attention.”
“No, no,” she said quickly. “I did not mean to imply that.”
“Oh,
I know you didn’t. You get me more than most people do. Your patience with me? It means a lot.”
“You have many different sides.”
“Some of them more grating than others?” he asked with a laugh.
“Absolutely not. I like all sides of you very much.”
“You’re the first person to say that.”
“Then our night of firsts is going very well.”
Justin ran a hand through his hair. “You’re calming for me. You can settle me somehow in a way that nobody else has. I can’t explain it.”
“That is exceptionally nice to hear.” The way he looked under the evening streetlights was too much. Celeste lifted a hand and brushed the back of her fingers against his cheek.
Justin was quiet for a minute. “I didn’t like seeing you upset tonight.” He tipped his head into her hand.
“You made it better,” she said. “You fixed me.”
“We can only fix ourselves.” He braked at a red light and turned to her. “I was just there to support you while you did that.”
He let her stroke her hand over his skin, lightly touching his hair. She was so unused to physical contact of this sort—much less wanting it—that she was undeniably entranced. It was one thing to snuggle with Julie on the couch when she was younger, or loop her arms though Matt’s when they walked. But this? This was an entirely different category of touch. Celeste let her hand trail down to the back of his neck before she felt obligated to pull away.
“Don’t… don’t stop. I mean, unless you want to. It’s just… That felt good.”
Without speaking, she moved her hand to the top of his arm, to his shoulder, settling again to the soft skin that peeked out from his sweatshirt.
Justin parked the car on a side street off of Beacon in Coolidge Corner. She let him open the door for her because he seemed to like doing that. As they walked the short block through the soft snow, her hand falling naturally into his, she realized something.
“Hey, Justin?”
“Hey, Celeste?”
“I do not feel scared anymore.”
“Neither do I.”
So they ate sushi.
Justin slid into the seat next to her, saying, “I get to be closer to you this way. Is that all right?”
She touched the menu that sat on her plate. “Yes.”
“And,” he continued as he draped an arm over her shoulder. “This all right, too?”
Nodding was all that she could manage.
He moved the menu between them and opened it up. “We’re going to order one of everything—and extra clam just to please your brother—but we can look at what they have anyway.”
“You have quite the appetite.”
“Fine, we won’t really order one of everything, but it’s the thought that counts.”
“I think that you may need to choose our selections,” she said as she scanned the menu. “I have no idea where to begin. I will rely on you for recommendations.”
Justin walked her through the menu, moving his fingers over the pages, describing different fish for her and asking what sounded good. She was fairly sure that she missed half of what he said because having his arm over her shoulder now caused her to be the one with significant attention issues, but she nodded and otherwise responded when she could. He never took his arm away from holding her.
Later, a colorful selection arrived, and plate after plate of dumplings, tempura, sushi, sashimi, maki, none of which Celeste could have identified on her own. There were vinegar sauces, spicy add-ons, and sweet soy. And while her taste buds danced in reaction to so many explosive new flavors, she listened to Justin. As much as she had enjoyed their many emails over the past few months, she was quickly learning that the sound of his voice had a powerfully wonderful effect on her. It might do well for her to become more comfortable talking on the phone.
“The way you speak, Justin, I find it quite beguiling.”
“What do you mean?”
“I feel as though I might well be able to listen to you all night. There is a pleasing quality about your phrasing, your word choices, the intonation and animation in your speech. It captures me.”
“Really? That’s particularly complimentary considering that I had a horrible stutter when I was a kid.”
“You did? I would not have guessed.”
“Oh God, it was awful. I could hear what I wanted to say in my head, but delivering it was an entirely different matter. Some words were worse than others. It only added to everyone’s impatience with me. Nobody wanted to wait for me ask yet another question. I was that kid, you know? The one who followed every question with another question. It drove people nuts, but I wanted answers and explanations. Why is it raining? But why do the clouds do that? But why some clouds and not others? And my poor parents. Why do I have to go to sleep now? But why do you say so? What happens if I’m tired tomorrow? Why can’t I read another book? Why is this book square and others are rectangular? Why is the caterpillar so very hungry and where did he find all of those random foods just scattered in the middle of nowhere? There was no end to my questions.”
“You were curious. That is a fine quality and indicative of intelligence.”
“Positive rephrasing. I like it.”
“I feel confident that I would have liked your many questions and your stutter because I am sure that you pulled off both with very sharp style.”
Justin raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “I have no idea what to make of you, Celeste Watkins.”
“Oh.” She could feel her body tense.
He rubbed her shoulder. “Hey, easy. I mean that in the most complimentary way.”
“Oh,” she said again. But this time she had to restrain herself from jumping out of her seat with happiness. “Thank you.”
When the bill came, Celeste tried very hard to convince Justin to let her pay for dinner. When he vehemently refused, she tried to get him to agree to split it. “My father was insistent that he treat us to dinner. He dramatically shoved money at me and said that the Watkins family would like to thank you for—”
“Absolutely not. You tell your father that there is no way that I am letting anyone else but me pay for your first date. But say that with lots of respect and stuff.” He winked. “Now, that’s enough of that. We have somewhere to be.” He checked the time on his phone. “Yeah, we need to scoot.”
“Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“You are not going to tell me?”
He led them through the busy restaurant to the door. “Can you trust me?”
“I believe that I can.”
“Okay. I’m the one who should be nervous, not you. What if you hate it? What if you call me a stupid moron and roll your eyes and faint because you can’t fathom how you agreed to blindly follow such a strange fellow on an unnamed adventure?”
Celeste laughed and dusted snowflakes from her sleeves. “I am highly doubtful that will happen.”
“You’re not cold, are you?”
“Not at all. Even with the snow, it is quite agreeable out tonight, don’t you think?”
“Okay, good.”
“You have on only a sweatshirt. Are you not chilly?”
“I have a hood. And I have you.” He pulled her closer. “Damn, I think I forgot my wallet. Oh, no, I didn’t. It’s fine. Anyway, you up for a little bit of a drive?”
“I am.” She would drive across the country if that’s what he wanted.
JOY
THEY WOVE THROUGH busy Saturday night traffic, eventually making their way onto Route 9, heading west. Since he’d seemed pleased with having her hand on him during the earlier drive, she returned to the place on the back of his neck that he seemed to like. His hairline was damp from melted snow, something that Celeste found endearing. It did, however, seem that she found everything about him endearing, so it was quite likely that he could belch out the alphabet and she would be delighted. Not that she would suggest that to him.
br /> Justin took them past a town sign for Dedham and soon slowed, pulling into a parking area. Celeste looked out the window and smiled. “We have arrived at a Christmas tree lot?” She clapped her hands together. “Are we buying a tree?”
Justin parked the car in a row by the entrance. “Better. Or I hope better. But if buying a Christmas tree is the true ultimate in your list of awesome things, then I will absolutely buy you a tree. Although you already have one at your house, so your parents might think that I found something ginormously offensive about their tree and was so horrified that I felt forced to replace it. I’d prefer they like me and not see me as some kind of jerk who goes around passing judgment on Christmas tree adequacy.”
She slipped her arm through his as they strolled through the lot, the snow still swirling softly in the night breeze. “I feel confident that they like you very much.”
An older man in a khaki parka with grey hair peeking out from under a Santa hat waved with one hand as he pulled a tree behind him with the other. “Justin! There you are!” He righted the tree against a chain link fence and walked to close the gap between them. “This must be Celeste. Pleasure to meet you, miss.” He held out a hand and flashed a mustached smile. “I’m Steve. Welcome to Steve’s Trees, and excuse the cheesy name.”
“It is very nice to meet you. You own this cheerful establishment?” Celeste had no idea what they were doing here, but she liked it.
“Your girl looks mighty confused,” Steve said. “You didn’t tell her?”
Justin grinned. “Nope. I’ll take her over now. Thanks, Steve.” Justin patted the man’s arm as they walked by.
“What are we doing?” she asked. Justin was leading her through the stacks of snow-dusted trees, winding among shoppers who were examining shapes and sizes, and eventually taking them to a back gate.
“You ready?” His eyes were full of mischief. “I hope you like this. But it’s not a big deal if you don’t.”
He opened the gate and Celeste stepped forward to find herself at the start of a path. A tunnel, really, of evergreen trees that grew rounded over the path in such a way as to nearly obscure the sky. She was surrounded by what must be thousands of mini white lights.