Chapter Three
By lunchtime, I was usually ravenous and today I quickly took my seat and waited for what smelled like Mrs. Dixon’s famous chicken and dumplings. I was already starting to drool just from the aroma. Thank you Mrs. Dixon! The men were filing in and I turned to talk to an older ranch hand about the new mare. Before I uttered a full sentence I heard a commotion coming from the direction of the kitchen. What in God’s name is going on? It would seem that Mrs. Dixon had indeed made chicken and dumplings, but it was who was serving those dumplings that had everyone at the table going crazy.
I had a strange feeling and my heart quickly leaped to my throat as I turned around and met the eyes of my first, and to be completely honest only, true love. Tanner Dixon stood in front of the table in the flesh and blood. Is this a nightmare? Please tell me this is just a dream? This was not the Tanner Dixon I knew years ago. That had been a boy and the Tanner that was standing in front of me was all man. Where was he keeping those muscles? He had always been painfully handsome. Pretty guys wanted to rough him up and girls wanted to…well you know. I had been lucky enough to be that girl for a time.
He was greeting the few workers he knew and introducing himself to those that had come on since he had left. He seemed to be smiling but although his lips were moving it never reached his eyes. Tanner and I always could feel each other with one glance. We knew each other so well that we were able to understand the feelings through the color of our eyes. What I saw before me was a beautiful man with a fake smile and shallow eyes. What happened? Who hurt my Tanner? My Tanner! I really needed to get a grip.
I began to feel lightheaded, confused and claustrophobic. The dining room was closing in as more of the ranch hands got up to shake Tanner’s hand. This is really happening. I need air. Before I even knew what I was doing I was up and headed out the door. I vaguely heard someone calling for me, but I did not look back. I needed fresh air and to absorb what I had just witnessed. I went straight to the only place that had ever given me complete comfort, the loft in the mare barn.
I made it to the barn and quickly scaled up the ladder. My breath was ragged from running and I collapsed to my knees on the floor. The loft was very simple wood and hay with a few battery operated lanterns for nighttime needs. Needs that previously been met with the man who just happened to pop back into my life. Why is this happening to me? I am over him…right?
As I lay back on the makeshift hay bed I tried to regulate my breathing hoping my heartbeat would soon follow suit. I closed my eyes and saw the lightning from the evening before cross the back of my eyelids. How could this be? Why was Tanner here? Was he just visiting or did he plan on moving back? Does he want the ranch? Does he still love me like I loved him? Whoa wait why am I thinking this way? I am a grown woman and I have earned my place running this ranch. And love? Gage was all the love I needed. The thoughts ran through my brain at warp speed no time for an answer before the next one came. Once again the storm had been right.
“I had a feeling I’d find you up here,” Tanner said in a cautious tone. I slowly opened my eyes and saw a grown-up version of the Tanner I had loved in this very loft standing above me.
“Mind if I sit down?” he asked as he took a place next to me on the hay.
“I’m glad you still come here,” Tanner said quietly, “it is a special place for both of us.”
I could not avoid his eyes much longer, but I knew once I held his gaze I would be a goner. I never was able to resist Tanner’s eyes. They were the window to his soul and his best tool for getting what he wanted. I was afraid of what that would mean for me at this time in my life.
“Yes this loft held a lot of firsts for us,” I replied. Why did I bring that up? I hope he does not think I am trying to flirt with him.
We sat in silence for a minute as we each remembered the times we had spent in this loft. We were fourteen when we shared our first kiss in this loft, stolen minutes between our chores. When our lips had met we both jumped back from the electric jolt we felt. That jolt never left our kisses which had made giving them up so hard.
We also had our first fight up here over something so trivial I could never remember what it was. I did however remember the passion of our make-up make-out session following that fight. Damn he was a good kisser. Last, but certainly not least, we had made love for the first (and only) time here in this loft.
I can close my eyes and still see the night so clearly. It was a harvest moon and the barn was lit with its strange orange glow. That afternoon there had been a massive lightning storm. Unfortunately, I was not yet in tune with Mother Nature but I should have known that something big was coming. The sky cleared at evening time and the moon rose amongst the stars.
We had been dancing around the idea of making love to one another for months now. Neither of us wanted to be the initiator in case the other one really did not want to and was only doing it to please the other. I honestly did not know if I was ready. I loved Tanner and my body showed all the signs it was ready. However, if Tanner had not been leaving for college, it might not have even happened.
Tanner was leaving for college and all we knew was that we wanted our first time to be with each other. Whenever we had talked about it there was never a doubt that we would be each other’s firsts. Neither of us was willing to allow someone else that privilege.
It was awkward and embarrassing, as those things usually are, but it was also magical and special. We were cautious and curious but most importantly we both were respectful of the other’s needs. I never once regretted that night. It bound us to one another forever. You can only have your first time once. No matter what had happened between now and then we always would have that connection.
“Libby?” Tanner’s voice jarred me from my trip down memory lane.
I forced my head and my eyes to look directly at his face. The face that had haunted my dreams for years both nightmares and what few fantasies I had these days. Time had been kind to him and his beautiful features were more pronounced. The only signs that fourteen years had passed were a few fine lines and some dark circles under his eyes. These eyes that had once held the spark of excitement and a little danger but now only looked tired and lost. Where did you go Tanner?
I reached out to touch his face, cradling his cheek in my hand. When I touched his skin I felt my world settle, which unnerved me even more. I am happy. Why does he still bring me peace? I didn’t even know I needed peace!
Tanner leaned into my hand and closed his eyes. I have missed this man so much! But something just does not seem right. I could not shake the feeling that Tanner being here was not an accident, but was also not planned.
“Why Tanner?” I pleaded. “Why are you here?”
Tanner’s eyes opened and for a second I thought I saw them fill with tears. Oh no please don’t cry. I will not be able to handle you crying.
He pulled away from me and quickly said, “Things did not work out in Portland and I need to start over.” He continued, “And the only place I know to start over is here, at home.”
My mind started running in a multitude of directions trying to come up with reasons why things would have not worked out. So much could have caused him to come home and I was not even sure I wanted the whole story right now. I do not think I could handle hearing about a marriage that did not work out or a relationship he had that had gone south. Focus on what you know not what you are creating out of nothing.
Tanner waited for my response. I knew him and I knew that making the decision and then actually coming back home was difficult. This was not because his family would not welcome him back, but because he would feel like a failure. He was a proud man and to him returning would feel like a retreat with his tail between his legs. I was not going to make him feel worse by pressuring him to tell me what had went wrong. He seemed to be beating himself up enough and he did not need my help. Time will tell Libby, time will tell.
“Ok,” I responded.
I wan
ted to kiss and punch him at the same time. I felt happy he was back and angry with him for leaving in the first place. My head was swimming trying to catch ahold of anything that made any sense, but I kept coming up empty handed. It was almost as if I had slipped on the edge of a cliff and fell knowing there were going to be soft and hard places to land. My decisions about Tanner could decide which of these I was going to land on. Argggg what is happening to me? What decisions?
“I have no idea what to think and feel right now Tanner,” I said, standing up. All I know right now is that I have to get away from you as soon as I can.
“I assume your parents are pretty excited to have you back,” I commented as I moved toward the ladder.
“Yes they are,” Tanner answered, then asked, “are you?”
I met his gaze straight on trying to pin down the feelings fighting within my heart. Am I? Am I glad Tanner is here in front of me now?
Finally, I replied, “I honestly don’t know Tanner.”
His eyes held what looked to be pain and guilt from what I do not know. Part of me knew that I should want him to feel those horrible feelings, but another part of me wanted to be in his arms and forget the past completely. I had a strong inclination that this tug-of-war was not even close to being over.
My mind was going wild and I was barely remembering to breathe. Did I really want Tanner back in my life? For so long I had wished and hoped to be in this exact position. Now that Tanner was here before me I did not know whether I actually wanted him back. After seeing him, there was no doubt I still loved him. The question I had to answer, was whether I was still ‘in love’ with him.
“I can understand that,” Tanner replied watching as I started down the ladder.
“Libby?” Tanner called. “Mom and Dad asked me to tell you they would like to meet with you tomorrow morning after you give the work orders for the day.”
My feet reached the solid ground of the barn floor and I called up, “Tell them I’ll be there.”
I turned and headed for the stalls. Without a second thought, I saddled up my horse and took off to ride the fences. Normally this is something I would give to one of the newer hands, but today I felt the need for some fresh air and to be as far away from Tanner Dixon as possible. My mind and body had grown numb and I needed to feel the wind in my hair in order to shake my thoughts loose.
After a few miles my temper began to flare thinking of his audacity just showing up after all this time. What right did he have to arrive home looking tall, dark and ridiculously handsome? If he wants to take over the ranch where does that leave me? I could either work for him or be out of a job. And what would I do with Gage? Tanner’s arrival had completely upset my calm and orderly way of life. He seemed to have a knack for completely disintegrating all of my plans for the future
The further I rode the clearer my head got, which only lead me to finally look at the real problem at hand. I was still hopelessly in love with Tanner Dixon. I am not even sure I ever stopped loving him. I had convinced myself I loved Christopher and in some ways, I had loved him enough to make a child with him. But Tanner always has had my heart with him no matter where he had laid his head. I was hoping that I came to another conclusion but knew my fate was sealed. I have to get over Tanner Dixon because he had gotten over me years ago.
I have no idea what Tanner is thinking and whether he even had more than a passing thought of me while he was in Portland. Who knows what kind of life he has been living and who has chosen to live it with? As far as I am aware he never married and had no children that the Dixons was aware of. I did know he was aware that I had been married and had Gage.
Mrs. Dixon has probably already told half the town that Tanner is home. Gage is a smart boy and he will put two and two together when the gossip starts. Folks in town did not speak about Tanner much anymore, but Gage was aware of him because Mr. Dixon would sometimes tell Gage stories starring Tanner.
I already avoided bringing Gage to the ranch when the hands were there. I wanted him to learn the job, but their language and behavior was not something I wanted him exposed to just yet.
This was a mess of epic proportions and I was at a complete loss for where to go next with my feelings. Gage knew me and would have no problem seeing the unresolved issues between me and Tanner. He was a curious kid and since he started noticing girls last summer he had even asked if I ever thought about dating again. I had told him he was all the man I needed in my life and he seemed to be ok with that.
My phone alarm went off reminding me of the hour. I headed back to the barn to return my horse and avoided any and all signs of human life. I left for home where hopefully I would be met with a son who had avoided the town gossip tree that day. I would know more after my meeting with the Dixons tomorrow morning. Until then it would just have to be business as usual. I would not complicate either of our lives by jumping to conclusions. Maybe Tanner was just here for a visit to let the dust settle from Portland so he could go somewhere new.
As I crawled into bed and closed my eyes, I was met once again by the vision of lightning. It was a telling sign that whatever fate had in store for me it was only just beginning. With a sigh I rolled over and spent the remainder of the night in and out of sleep. Most could be blamed on nerves but when my body did give in to sleep my dreams were delightful and full of the grown-up version of Tanner Dixon.