Chapter Six
One of the tasks I had been avoiding going over with Tanner was riding the fence line. It would require us to be alone for the entire day and sometimes it might even warrant an overnight trip if there were extensive damages that need to be repaired. Storm season was on its way though so I could not procrastinate on the task any longer. I just hoped that we could have a quick ride and be back before dark.
The thought of spending the night in the wilderness alone with Tanner was just too much to bear. I had acted nonchalant when reminding Tanner to pack an overnight bag but inside I was a ball of nerves. I had not been alone with any man in such a long time let alone a man who I was deeply attracted to but should not be. To my surprise as we were saddling up the horses he fumbled a bit when I mentioned the possibility of a camp out.
As we double-checked the gear I noticed for the first time how interested the other guys were when Tanner and I were together. They had obviously heard through the grapevine about our history and were watching and waiting to see how we would continue to react to each other.
The ride started out crisp and clear with only a few fences that needed mending. We stopped for lunch along the stream we used to play in as kids back when we did not have a care in the world. I had brought Gage out here a few times but he was quick to remind me that the experience was not the same when you were with your mom.
The times Tanner and I had spent at the stream were filled with fishing, swimming and as we got older kissing. I caught him more than once staring at the outcropping of rock that we used to hang out on. We would ride to the stream, strip down to our bathing suits (or underwear when necessary), dive in and bake in the sun for hours. It was also the perfect place to make-out with no chance of interruption. We were so young and so eager to learn about each other and the reactions our bodies were having.
I slipped further into the memory remembering how Tanner and I had taught each other to kiss. We had been sitting on the rock after a quick swim and the heat was unbearable. Tanner began kissing me gently at first but soon we were showing the hunger we had for each other. It had been the summer following our freshman year so we were still in the newlywed phase of our romantic involvement. Everything was trial and error for us and kissing was no different.
Tanner had pulled back, looked me straight in the eye and asked me what I needed him to do. Without the filters of adulthood I told him how I wanted to be kissed and he did the same for me. After that afternoon we never kissed the same again. What had once been a spark was now a raging inferno. It was one of the happiest memories I had of us. Both of us choosing the pleasure of the other over our own.
Now looking out at the stream I sighed and filed the memories away again. Neither of us brought it up but it was obvious that both of us were reliving those same moments.
As the afternoon wore on the wind changed and the temperature began to drop significantly. I shrugged on my sweater and saw Tanner add a flannel over his t-shirt. I could smell the impending rain as it prepared to come over the hills and head straight for us. The smell was sweet but there was an edge to it that alerted me to the danger it could bring. Rain was no problem because we could easily continue our work.
Unfortunately, you could already see in the distance that lightning was splitting through the clouds. What I did know is that we could not continue along the fences because the metal mesh would be a prime target for a lightning strike. I made the decision to stop at one of the old barns where hopefully we could ride out the storm and still have enough daylight to make it home.
Just as we found some lanterns to give the barn a candlelit glow, the sky opened up and sheets of rain began pounding the ground surrounding us. The thunder shook the barn and the lightning illuminated even the far corners of the barn. I still smelled the sweetness of the rain but also felt the dangerous undercurrent in my body. It was not lost on me that I was here during a lightning storm with Tanner who looked just as nervous as I felt. I finally just accepted that we were here for a reason and whatever was going to happen was necessary for our future whatever that may end up looking like.
We made sure the horses were secured in a few of the still functioning stalls and huddled together with the blankets we had brought in case of a camp out. With nothing left to do but wait out the storm we began to talk. At first it was just general chitchat about the ranch and his parent’s impending retirement, but it was not long before we both start tiptoeing into the past.
Mostly we talked about the good times we had as kids growing up on the ranch and all the crazy things we used to do that got us in trouble. We talked about the time our buddy Rusty tried to kiss me at the stream and I broke his nose. This led to us talking about our first kiss and how nervous we were up in the loft. It was a sweet and non-suggestive conversation.
Then it dawned on me that there might never be another time when I would have Tanner as a captive audience to explain the hurt and pain he caused me when he left my life so many years ago. I took a deep breath and decided to open up wounds I had thought were long scarred over. I avoided talking about my marriage to Christopher and did not bring Gage into the conversation except to acknowledge his existence. I was holding Gage close until I could see what Tanner’s true intentions were.
I was hell bent on making sure that Tanner knew exactly what his decision to move to the city did to me and more specifically to my heart. I felt I was at a point in my life that I was no longer angry that he actually moved to the city, because without him leaving I would not have had Gage. However, I was still angry about how he had made that decision and his complete disregard for my feelings at the time. As I was describing my decision to move on after countless attempts to re-connect with him, I saw the pain clearly in his eyes and he started to softly cry. No crying please.
Tanner quickly wiped his eyes and with a struggle lifted his gaze to mine. Kill me now with those eyes!
“Libby,” he began, “there are no words that can fully describe just how sorry I am that you ever had to feel that way.”
He went on to tell me that his choice to leave had nothing to do with me but rather his need to experience different parts of what life had to offer. Unfortunately his youth had blinded him from seeing what he was leaving behind. He loved the city and although he never forgot me, after a time he convinced himself that I was better off without him. He thought that he would just be dragging me down by being miserable at the ranch while wishing he was out experiencing life. Or he thought it would be cruel to drag me away to the city just to satisfy his curiosity.
His apology seemed heartfelt and I found it harder and harder to stay angry with him for leaving. I was beginning to feel confused, appreciating his confession while at the same time still feeling abandoned. It still remained that he had chosen to explore his desires rather than hold on to our relationship. I honestly did not know where our love fit into this picture or whether it ever even had a chance once Tanner left for college. At least it was now all out in the open where we could choose to deal with it if we wanted.
One night alone in a barn was not going to make or break how we felt about each other but it was hopefully the start we needed to get back on track towards some sort of relationship. I tried to concentrate on the fact that we had been young and we just had different ideas of what the other needed. Unfortunately that was making me feel that I was a fool for how much I loved him and continued to love him when he had already chosen another path.
Unwilling to make an emotionally filled declaration with both my head and my heart still spinning, I quickly noticed that the rain was now a slight drizzle and the thunder and lightning had moved on. Breaking the seriousness of the conversation I suggested we head back before we lost daylight. I knew I was leaving things on a complicated note, but there was no way I could go through that roller coaster of emotions right now. I was going to need some time to process everything Tanner had shared with me. He seemed reluctant to leave but Tanner began prepping the hor
ses for the ride back while I made sure the rest of the barn was secure.
Just as I was locking the supply room I heard Tanner approach and felt his hand on my shoulder. He turned me gently and took my face into his hands. My body instantly remembered his touch and he began to stroke my face with his fingers. Oh my... it has been so long. Without a word his lips met mine in a kiss so gentle it felt like tickle yet it was also full of promise and dare I say love?
Tanner pulled his head back and whispered, “You have never left my heart Libby.”
All of my words stuck in my throat and I just stared into his eyes unable to formulate an intelligible response when my body had just been reminded why Tanner Dixon was the love of my life. It was fruitless to deny that I was born to be in his arms. The question was whether he was meant to be in mine.
Tanner held out the reins of my horse and that is the last memory I have of that ride because my mind replayed our conversation and of course that kiss over and over again trying out all the different ways that this scenario could end. Selfishly I chose to keep all of those scenarios positive and with Tanner and I riding off into the sunset. However, I was a realist and as soon as we parted for the night I filed the kiss away for what it was, a pleasant experience. I needed to protect my heart and this was the only way I knew how.
No matter how hard I try to understand and control the fate life has laid out for me, I always learn that I have no say in the matter. After the storm confession, apology and kiss, I felt the largest wall between us break down. We were working together much more smoothly and our conversations were not laced with an undercurrent of unresolved business. We were not speaking of an “us”, but we were not avoiding each other around every turn either. Progress?